Emotionally Exhausted (long)

So, my work took all of the staff (16 of us) on a retreat to a mountain lodge for 2 days. it was for team building and personal growth. pretty much the whole staff except for me is in great shape (they do marathons and the like together), and i have been dreading the weekend for about 6 months.

the activities consisted of hikes, team building stuff, and the finale of a "high ropes" course, where you strap into a harness and climb around on ropes 35 feet in the air.

so yesterday i was full of anxiety, and spent most of the day not enjoying myself knowning that the hard stuff was just around the corner. at the end of the activities yesterday, i had to ask the facilitator all the embarassing questions i had been dreading.

- what is the weight maximium for the zip line
- do you have a harness that will fit me
- is there a way to get me down if i end up getting stuck
- can i try on the harness alone with you so i'm not embarassed in front of my coworkers and friends.

he was nice about it, and told me that everything would be fine, and just to do as much today as i felt comfortable with yada yada.

in the evening, everyone was partying and having fun and i felt like poop. i didn't want to participate in anything and i ended up going to bed at about 9:30. there were alot of times that i just took myself outsiide to sit int he misty rain crying because i just couldn't take the thought of embarassment or humilation.

it was a double edged sword. humilation if i did it and fell or failed, or got stuck with my big fat *kitten* hanging in the harness etc, or embarassment for being the only person that didn't do it, and the only reason being because i'm 325 pounds.

i'm lucky enough to work with my best friends... my one friend i've worked with for almost 5 years (i keep following her lol.) well after breakfast, i went for a walk to the bathroom, and she just happened to be coming out, and we sat on a bench and she asked me how i was doing.

i lost it.

i bawled and bawled. i told her how ashamed i am, how i hate the fact that i've wasted 30 years of my life being fat, how my whole life has been defined by my size, and how it sickens me that so much of my life is limited by the fact that i can't do the same thing as other people. i told her how much i try to stop eating, but sometimes i just can't. i have the best intentions, but often that really isn't enough. how it pains me that i can't come ont he adventures with our other friends (like half-marathons, kayaking yrips, mountain biking etc) because of my size, and i just sat there sobbing and sobbing.

she's very supportive and a great friend, and she worked hard to calm me down. she told me that i should do the rope course so that i can feel better about myself, and just to give it a try. she said that she would help me when we got home to devise a plan (she's a certified personal trainer too... go figure) where we would do baby steps and work towards a finite goal.

every year they do a half marathon in june, and i told her that i am goign to work towards the goal of being able to walk it this year.

anyhow, when the time came to go, i got fitted into my harness, along with the group and we walked about a kilmoeter, mostly uphill to get to the course. i thought i was going to die. i watched a few of my teammates do the course and was confident that i could do at least part of it.

trying to lift myself onto the first element, i almost quit because i was not able to hoist myself up with my arms, because i'm so heavy. i pushed through though and managed to finish 2 sections (about 5 mintutes each.)

when i got down, i was not mad at myself for not doing the whole thing, but i was proud of myself that i at least did part of it. at the end they asked us what we had learned from the exercise, and i started crying in front of my colleagues. i told them that when i woke up this morning, i was not even sure that i was goign to try, but with help from my friends and some personal strength, i was able to at least try. i got half the people in my office crying, and that's something to be proud of in itself.

one of the things i noticed watching the other people was the the only thing that was limiting me up there was my size. i was not scared, had no fear of heights and was eager to finish. however, the physical limitations of my body are what held me back.

there were other who did the same amount as me who are really fit and agile. they could not finish because of mental limitation, even though physically they were perfectly capable.

so, i came home and had a big nap, and i am sore everywhere on my body. i forgot what it was like to excercise! i am emotionally drained and i've seen that i really am missing the best years of my life. no amount of food is worth not living. hopefully this will be a catalyst for significant change.