Fat Shaming Yourself
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Sargent,
Love the pic. Were you actually shaming yourself or motivating yourself to make a change? I guess it would come down to the kind of messages you were feeding yourself.0 -
How badly do we beat ourselves up over our size/shape. I know how much I am personally disgusted with the way I look and the size I am. It is the majority of the reason I am on this journey now and still getting my mind in the right place for it. I know I need to do this for myself and partly how to go about it. I try not to put myself in public situations where I know I will be uncomfortable due to my shape. Bathing suits are not my favorite thing at all. I beat myself up about my weight more than anyone else ever could. Not sure how to keep from mentally berating myself and use that energy instead to focus on the task at hand.
I used to do this, until I learned that there is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of my body under any circumstances. My goal is to be healthy and fit and to feel the best that I can feel. When I was fat I felt horrible-I ached and didn't want to do much, and I was in a really bad mood a lot.
Think of it this way: self-shaming comes from deep within and indicates issues that need to be worked on. Sometimes they go way back to when we were kids, but other times it's all about what we do to ourselves.
In other words, if we aren't shaming ourselves about our bodies, we would be shaming ourselves about something else.
The solution is to figure out why we shame ourselves, and then to make changes toward healthier self esteem. Sometimes this requires counseling or treatment.
I can tell from reading that post that you understand what I mean. Especially the physical shortcomings that put me in a bad mood. I used to be able to do these things, but now it takes much more effort and I am mad at myself for it. I have listed the things that hurt and know they are all a direct result of carrying this weight. I think that is what part of this self dislike is. I don't want to call it hate, because it is not that. I am two weeks in here with a long way to go. The time to focus and act is now.0 -
I think everyone has image issues. I joined MFP as a skinny fat person. I've never been overweight or anything close, but I still feel awful enough about how I look to count and track every little thing because I want to be 18% body fat. Not for any particular reason. I think it'd just make me feel better.
Even today, I put shorts on for the first time in a while (80 degrees in LA today) and thought, ick my legs look fatter than I remember!
But it is a progression. If you don't like something, get over it or change it, and I'm well on my way to changing it.0 -
Tbh ive always liked myself, so beating myself up seems illogical and counter productive. I have always been my own best friend, but also been honest. You need every ounce of energy to go towards soemthing positive, be that support or effort into making your journey easier or successful. Do yourself a favour and retrain your mindset.
I did have a short period where I thought enough was enough, but the underlying driver was health and avoiding future health risks. Not shaming more about not wanting to be at serious risk.0 -
This is me exactly!! No pictures ever. I'm the one who takes the pics. I don't like to eat out because I feel people are saying, "Like she needs to be putting food in her mouth". No full length mirrors. Yep, sad but true.
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Body shaming myself is one of the best things I've ever done. Hating my body is what sprung me back into being active and healthy again. When I was fat I couldn't even run half of a 5k without stopping to walk. Since dropping the weight I ran a marathon (bucket list item) in 3 hours 18 minutes. I love my body again and my family members comment on how much happier I seem to be.0
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SergeantSausage wrote: »azulvioleta6 wrote: »SergeantSausage wrote: »
Do you think you look GOOD in this picture?
When the pooch started here - hells yeah it looks great- that's 54 pounds of "not helpful" *helped* right into oblivion never to be seen again. I understand you don't like it, and I don't particularly care. I'm the one that has to, right?
And I do. Yes. I do think I look GOOD.
Beating myself up HAS WORKED just fine - 54 pounds of belly lard worth.
No way was I gonna practice any kind of "acceptance" on that waistline.
As usual, you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about...or, apparently, what we are talking about.
Does Hot or Not still exist? Maybe you should go over there and see what kind of feedback you get on how good you look.0 -
I beat myself up to no end. I had someone in my life when I was a kid telling me not to eat this or that, then force me to eat full meals of things I didn't like. Then would ridicule and criticize my weight. This emotional abuse made a huge impact on me even today. Add in an autoimmune disease that contributes to weight gain and inability to lose, I'm screwed.
I beat myself up because I hate how I look. It's not 100% my fault with my poor choices, it's my own body working against itself that caused my hatred of it. It takes a huge toll on us. I have to live with the abuse from my childhood. I have to live with my autoimmune disease.
Nothing I do can change these things, but I can fight through them and overcome them. Recently, I have accepted these things and that I can't change them, but I refuse to let them run my life anymore.0 -
My self talk is determined by the decisions I make. When I'm choosing well I'm kinder to myself, when I'm choosing poorly I'm a lot less kind.
Resorting to dishonesty and the abstract aren't traits of people with good self esteem it seems to me, though. Most popular self-help stuff I've read and encounter from others who speak that language is feel-good fluff bordering on the inane, often magical thinking Peter Pan-ism - say something that ain't so enough times and really try to believe it is so and it will be so. Change what is with the power of your mind. Jedi mind-trick the universe and *poof* self-esteem despite lacking merit. Your mind is the only reality there is, so if you just think something is so, then it is so in your mind which is the same as it being so in reality. Change the definitions and categories of things from referring to the precise to the very abstract so that anything you want can fall under that term/category.
Someone brought up the drama of beating yourself up and I agree that pity-parties are dramatic. As is the other extreme end of the self-esteem spectrum dramatic. Trading one falsehood about yourself for another is to remain intolerant of and disconnected from reality, the problem persists.
I'm female.
eta: post from phone posted, this is the edited one from pc.0 -
^^^ This. All of it.girlviernes wrote: »It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
I had the same thought.
I think some of it may stem from cultural differences. For instance, sports coaches who "motivate" boys and men by tearing them down, yelling at them, calling them names, saying they're worthless... I think our society teaches boys that this is all part of being a man, and that you have to "take it like a man".
On the flip side, I also think that girls and women are too often taught to be ashamed of our bodies, and that our self-worth is tied up in our appearance. There's a lot of pressure on women to conform to media ideals of beauty. We tell men that if clothes don't fit, they should get them tailored (i.e. the problem is with the clothes) but if women's clothes don't fit, then they should lose weight (i.e. the problem is with the woman).
Mixed messages that could all contribute to this.
It's a generalization I realize, but in general, men do seem to handle the coach style of motivation well, whereas women tend to not. We're wired differently.
But there is also a big difference between self shaming and a kick-butt pep talk to one's self. It does feel like that if you're an overweight woman, you're deemed as a worthless pile of crap. Who you are doesn't change with weight--your IQ, talents, and basic personality are the same, but we still tend to measure our worth by the numbers on the scale.
So we need to remind ourselves that we CAN do this, that we ARE worth the effort, and that the effort is to make us feel better, fit into clothes better, be healthier, NOT to raise our worth, no matter what others' perceptions may be.
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I don't fat shame as much as I bash myself for "messing up." This can include eating over my goal, eating too late at night, not exercising for days and/or not losing weight. It can be pretty bad at times but on the other hand it gives me the motivation needed to get back at it in the morning!0
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i am still vicious to myself and i have lost 160 pounds
ive gotten much better though and have periods of self love0 -
NoelFigart1 wrote: »I won't say I'm never stern with myself. 'Cause dewd, totally am. But hateful and shaming? Nope.
Yeah, this is an important distinction that I think is getting lost.
Being honest with yourself, yes. Denial is bad. One thing I did for years after I started to gain weight was to refuse to get on the scale because I knew the number would be bad and would depress me and I felt like I couldn't face it. Part of why I felt like I couldn't face it was that stupid inner voice telling me how disgusting I was, what a failure, etc. Being honest with myself is related to owning the number and part of that, for me, is realizing that I'm not a disgusting failure just because I was overweight (and really thinking of that in connection with anyone but myself makes me realize what a dumb idea it is). Being honest means "yeah, I need to lose X amount and am seriously not happy with what this says about my treatment of myself, respect for my health, or, yes, how I look or what my priorities have been," but it also means that I am still a pretty good person with lots of strengths and successes and not worthless just because I'm fat and hating myself or obsessing about the details of my body (except to the extent I'm specifically doing something helpful, like exercise) is just kind of dumb and not how I'd treat anyone else or excuse anyone else treating me. Realizing I'm a capable non-worthless person despite the thing about myself I am not happy about (as opposing to simply hating myself) is related to the fact that I knew I had the power to change it and my motivation to do so.
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Bologna.there is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of my body under any circumstances
Yes. I tried the "accept myself" route, and kept getting fatter, all the while being very defensive when people made anti-fat comments. (Even though, yes, I was making them to myself in my head, because deep down I knew I was fat, ugly, miserable, undesireable, etc. because I was grossly obese - 100 lb over the top healthy weight - and I'd put myself there. Who'd do that to herself?)JAT74 wrote:I believe that building self-esteem and trying to feel better about yourself when you are obese is more damaging because you ignore the problem
When I got completely fed up & disgusted with how I'd turned out, I did something about the problem, and here I am almost 80 lb lighter in 13 months.
I'm still overweight, and despite weightlifting I'm still flabby in spots (can you say 'bingo wings'?), but I can finally look in the mirror and think "I'm OK". Not great, not where I want to be (about 30 lb to go), but OK. I'm looking pretty average. When I get to a healthy weight, I will look awesome!
(And I'm happy to have cheekbones, a chin, collarbones, ribs, hips, a much flatter butt, and I can see & feel muscles all over. Plus I can lift moderately heavy things and my endurance is amazing, at least to me... I started in JAN14 with 5 min on a treadmill @ 2mph. Pretty pathetic, huh? Now I do up to 90 min @ 3+ mph, sometimes jogging a bit @ 5.5.)
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Well, my body is broken, thanks to medical issues. I'm motivated to make it the best it could be by health concerns.
Back about 10 years ago, the first of those, fibromyalgia, dramatically changed my life, and I felt changed who I was as a person. I went into a deep depression because of it.
I learned a lot from that. Accepting where I am in life no matter what is part of rolling with the punches and not letting whatever my body throws at me take me for such a loop. I never want to hit the bottom of the well like that again.
However...
That acceptance ENABLES me to remain positive in outlook, and that positivity is just the mindset needed to face making the changes towards a better, healthier body. I have more health problems now. I work within limitations. I'm okay with that. I accept them, because they don't define me.
I don't shame myself. Shaming myself for what I was got me into a black pit. Accepting myself makes me want to be better. It doesn't equate to complacency.0 -
it's an actual fact that people perform better from positive reinforcement. shaming yourself does nothing than make you feel awful. rather than focusing on what you dislike about your body, try making a list of everything you do like. i promise you'll come out of it feeling a whole lot better, and a whole lot more motivated.0
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SergeantSausage wrote: »azulvioleta6 wrote: »SergeantSausage wrote: »
Do you think you look GOOD in this picture?
When the pooch started here - hells yeah it looks great- that's 54 pounds of "not helpful" *helped* right into oblivion never to be seen again. I understand you don't like it, and I don't particularly care. I'm the one that has to, right?
And I do. Yes. I do think I look GOOD.
Beating myself up HAS WORKED just fine - 54 pounds of belly lard worth.
No way was I gonna practice any kind of "acceptance" on that waistline.
You're acting like if you accept yourself, you can't possibly want to improve yourself. They aren't mutually exclusive.
I accepted that I was fat. I accepted that it was my fault. Then I changed, and lost 65+ pounds and become 100% more active than I was. I didn't accept my size, or my chins, or my thighs. I did accept that the fact that I was worth it.
I still challenge myself every day, I still push myself and am internally saying things like "get off your butt", "no being lazy today", "you don't need an extra peanut butter cup" - stuff like that.
What I won't allow in my head anymore is "you're not worth the effort", "even if you got less fat, you'd still be lazy/ugly/whatever", "if you try, you'll fail, so don't bother".
It's a pretty big difference between the two and I feel sad that anyone would motivate themselves the second way.
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I think we're running into something here in this discussion in that ... now hold onto your hats... people are different.
I know that I've read the studies on this, but it was long, long ago and I don't feel like looking them up. It had to do with motivation, but yes, some people are better motivated by negative reinforcement. And some people are better motivated by positive reinforcement.
Now this thread could keep going round and round in circles while the two types hurl accusations at the other that they'll never get where they want to go, or... we could just chalk it up to different strokes for different folks.
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mamapeach910 wrote: »I think we're running into something here in this discussion in that ... now hold onto your hats... people are different.
I know that I've read the studies on this, but it was long, long ago and I don't feel like looking them up. It had to do with motivation, but yes, some people are better motivated by negative reinforcement. And some people are better motivated by positive reinforcement.
Now this thread could keep going round and round in circles while the two types hurl accusations at the other that they'll never get where they want to go, or... we could just chalk it up to different strokes for different folks.
That's what I've read as well - people are more likely to stick with health behaviours when promotional messages / communications resonate with their own way of thinking. People who are motivated by fear - who are worried about risking loss - respond better to negative messages. People who are motivated by approach - whose goals are more about gaining goods (in this case, gaining a slim/fit body or whatever) - respond better to positively framed messages. ("Better" meaning they actually stick with the new health behaviour, not that they necessarily feel better about it. It's just that they feel more at ease when their beliefs and the approach are consistent.)
Me, the last time I lost, I really did not have a lot of love for my extra pounds, and I wanted them off. That worked to lose the weight, but caused some issues when I got to goal weight and things weren't 100% the way I expected they'd be.
This time, I am limited in the kinds of activities I can do, and I also have experience in knowing what my body looked like at my goal weight. So I know in advance what will happen. I'm trying to be kinder to myself even as I lose, and to focus less on areas that bother me.0 -
Lourdesong wrote: »My self talk is determined by the decisions I make. When I'm choosing well I'm kinder to myself, when I'm choosing poorly I'm a lot less kind.
Resorting to dishonesty and the abstract aren't traits of people with good self esteem it seems to me, though. Most popular self-help stuff I've read and encounter from others who speak that language is feel-good fluff bordering on the inane, often magical thinking Peter Pan-ism - say something that ain't so enough times and really try to believe it is so and it will be so. Change what is with the power of your mind. Jedi mind-trick the universe and *poof* self-esteem despite lacking merit. Your mind is the only reality there is, so if you just think something is so, then it is so in your mind which is the same as it being so in reality. Change the definitions and categories of things from referring to the precise to the very abstract so that anything you want can fall under that term/category.
Someone brought up the drama of beating yourself up and I agree that pity-parties are dramatic. As is the other extreme end of the self-esteem spectrum dramatic. Trading one falsehood about yourself for another is to remain intolerant of and disconnected from reality, the problem persists.
I'm female.
eta: post from phone posted, this is the edited one from pc.
It's funny, I find the reverse is true for me. My self talk determines the quality of my decisions. When I think more highly of myself, I make much better decisions.
I find that negative self talk is very defeatist. If I think I am worthless and useless, how am I ever going to a) believe I can change my situation; or b) even bother to take care of myself. I would rather think of myself as a capable, worthwhile person who is well equipped to make whatever changes are necessary.0 -
Could be a feedback loop. But i contend it is determined and reinforced by actions that provide reasons to think better or worse of oneself. If someone really believes they are useless and are not just feeling sorry for themselves or suffering from a mental illness, then a remedy would be to do something useful so the thought doesn't match reality.MakePeasNotWar wrote: »Lourdesong wrote: »My self talk is determined by the decisions I make. When I'm choosing well I'm kinder to myself, when I'm choosing poorly I'm a lot less kind.
Resorting to dishonesty and the abstract aren't traits of people with good self esteem it seems to me, though. Most popular self-help stuff I've read and encounter from others who speak that language is feel-good fluff bordering on the inane, often magical thinking Peter Pan-ism - say something that ain't so enough times and really try to believe it is so and it will be so. Change what is with the power of your mind. Jedi mind-trick the universe and *poof* self-esteem despite lacking merit. Your mind is the only reality there is, so if you just think something is so, then it is so in your mind which is the same as it being so in reality. Change the definitions and categories of things from referring to the precise to the very abstract so that anything you want can fall under that term/category.
Someone brought up the drama of beating yourself up and I agree that pity-parties are dramatic. As is the other extreme end of the self-esteem spectrum dramatic. Trading one falsehood about yourself for another is to remain intolerant of and disconnected from reality, the problem persists.
I'm female.
eta: post from phone posted, this is the edited one from pc.
It's funny, I find the reverse is true for me. My self talk determines the quality of my decisions. When I think more highly of myself, I make much better decisions.
I find that negative self talk is very defeatist. If I think I am worthless and useless, how am I ever going to a) believe I can change my situation; or b) even bother to take care of myself. I would rather think of myself as a capable, worthwhile person who is well equipped to make whatever changes are necessary.
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Yes, people are different.
But back to the generalizations again, I think men and women are different because for hundreds of years, the worth of a woman was tied to her appearance, while a man's worth came from his skills or wealth or job or status.
For men, "I need to lose weight" means not accepting your fat, but still accepting yourself.
For too many women, "I need to lose weight" is all tied up with the idea that if you're not young and sexy and beautiful, you're worthless in society.
Which is NOT TRUE AT ALL but I get why people feel that way.0 -
Yes, people are different.
But back to the generalizations again, I think men and women are different because for hundreds of years, the worth of a woman was tied to her appearance, while a man's worth came from his skills or wealth or job or status.
For men, "I need to lose weight" means not accepting your fat, but still accepting yourself.
For too many women, "I need to lose weight" is all tied up with the idea that if you're not young and sexy and beautiful, you're worthless in society.
Which is NOT TRUE AT ALL but I get why people feel that way.
Yup.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I used to be, until my therapist recommended this: I'm not allowed to speak to myself in a way I wouldn't speak to my kids/mom/sister/husband/etc. It's really helped me realize how terribly I was treating myself.
I came here to say exactly this. For me, I wasn't able to really commit to losing weight until I started treating myself with basic human decency. 92 pounds down, I can easily say that continually choosing to love myself unconditionally is the healthiest decision I've ever made.
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Yes. I tried the "accept myself" route, and kept getting fatter, all the while being very defensive when people made anti-fat comments. (Even though, yes, I was making them to myself in my head, because deep down I knew I was fat, ugly, miserable, undesireable, etc. because I was grossly obese - 100 lb over the top healthy weight - and I'd put myself there. Who'd do that to herself?)
If you were being defensive and still making those comments to yourself, you really didn't actually accept yourself, then. That's kind of the whole point. I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I talk in ways to myself in my own head that I wouldn't dare ever say to another human being. All it did was continue to make me feel worthless, disgusting, and not worth trying to change anything because, what's the point? I'm worthless and disgusting, so why bother? My self-worth was so tied to my appearance that I couldn't even separate it from my own self.
I'm not "curvy" or "plus-size," I'm just FAT. Breaking it down, being fat just means my body has an excess of fatty tissue. I made myself this way, but now, I try to look at it as something that just is. Calling myself disgusting and worthless, and being overburdened by unending shame over my weight serves no purpose but making me feel worse, further spurning self-destructive behaviours.
Being this weight doesn't make me happy, but everything I've done up to this point - the dieting, the obsessive working out, the self-hatred, has done nothing to help me change that. I'm fat. Oh well. I'm okay with it. I'm changing it. Separating my fat and how I eat from me and my self-worth is going to be the very reason I'm I lose this weight.
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Or, more to the point, I have fat. I am not fat.
The excess fat isn't me. It doesn't define me. I can lose it, because it's not great for my health or my looks, and I'll be happy when it's gone.
I've been both happy and sad when I was smaller. I've been both happy and sad when I was bigger. Who I am is about more than just a dress size.0 -
I think the first step toward changing is acceptance. So until you can accept that your body is what it is (for now) and be at peace with it, only then can you change it into the body you want it to be. I have done the beat myself up thing and it has gotten me nowhere. Just many rides around the gain and lose merry go round. I have finally accepted my current size and the fact that it may take a long time and a lot of work to get where I want to be. No quick fixes. And I've decided to enjoy the journey instead of just wanting to be done. This will take at least a few years to acheive and a lifetime to maintain, so may as well enjoy the ride.0
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girlviernes wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
Well, actually I'm female. I guess, rereading my post, it does seem kinda like a guy thing to say.
I seem to be incapable of changing the well worn paths that my thoughts take and not only in this area. . Your words about letting go of the shame, etc...I don't understand how that is done.
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NoelFigart1 wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
Do you motivate people around you by saying hateful things? I mean, God knows I don't need pets and strokes all the time, and I don't talk to myself that way, but ya know, when I'm teaching someone, there is a gradient. I can call them an idiot for not knowing something, or we can acknowledge that, nope, they don't know it, so let's get to working on that.
I'm hardly fluffybunny, but I sure as hell don't think being hateful is productive.
I'm not sure how you got from my words to the idea that I speak hatefully to others. I don't feel hateful toward other people, either. (Well, maybe one or two.)
I treat myself harshly in my thoughts. No, it's not at all productive. I wouldn't speak to another person the same way. I do see the illogic in that, but I don't know how to change it.
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lthames0810 wrote: »girlviernes wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
Well, actually I'm female. I guess, rereading my post, it does seem kinda like a guy thing to say.
I seem to be incapable of changing the well worn paths that my thoughts take and not only in this area. . Your words about letting go of the shame, etc...I don't understand how that is done.
Well, if you think it would be helpful to you, a lot of the meditative practices have a focus on self-compassion and loosening attachment to judgment. I've done a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course which I enjoyed, although you can start with just youtubing some meditations such as Mindfulness of the Breath, Leaves on a Stream, and Self-Compassion mindfulness.
It's a lot of work to change your relationship with your thoughts, but it's been worth it to me. It's an ongoing journey though! I still have those kinds of thoughts, but they don't impact me much and don't hang around as long as before.
I also like the book, "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" and I've heard great things about Brene Brown's books.
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