Fat Shaming Yourself
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Could be a feedback loop. But i contend it is determined and reinforced by actions that provide reasons to think better or worse of oneself. If someone really believes they are useless and are not just feeling sorry for themselves or suffering from a mental illness, then a remedy would be to do something useful so the thought doesn't match reality.MakePeasNotWar wrote: »Lourdesong wrote: »My self talk is determined by the decisions I make. When I'm choosing well I'm kinder to myself, when I'm choosing poorly I'm a lot less kind.
Resorting to dishonesty and the abstract aren't traits of people with good self esteem it seems to me, though. Most popular self-help stuff I've read and encounter from others who speak that language is feel-good fluff bordering on the inane, often magical thinking Peter Pan-ism - say something that ain't so enough times and really try to believe it is so and it will be so. Change what is with the power of your mind. Jedi mind-trick the universe and *poof* self-esteem despite lacking merit. Your mind is the only reality there is, so if you just think something is so, then it is so in your mind which is the same as it being so in reality. Change the definitions and categories of things from referring to the precise to the very abstract so that anything you want can fall under that term/category.
Someone brought up the drama of beating yourself up and I agree that pity-parties are dramatic. As is the other extreme end of the self-esteem spectrum dramatic. Trading one falsehood about yourself for another is to remain intolerant of and disconnected from reality, the problem persists.
I'm female.
eta: post from phone posted, this is the edited one from pc.
It's funny, I find the reverse is true for me. My self talk determines the quality of my decisions. When I think more highly of myself, I make much better decisions.
I find that negative self talk is very defeatist. If I think I am worthless and useless, how am I ever going to a) believe I can change my situation; or b) even bother to take care of myself. I would rather think of myself as a capable, worthwhile person who is well equipped to make whatever changes are necessary.
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Yes, people are different.
But back to the generalizations again, I think men and women are different because for hundreds of years, the worth of a woman was tied to her appearance, while a man's worth came from his skills or wealth or job or status.
For men, "I need to lose weight" means not accepting your fat, but still accepting yourself.
For too many women, "I need to lose weight" is all tied up with the idea that if you're not young and sexy and beautiful, you're worthless in society.
Which is NOT TRUE AT ALL but I get why people feel that way.0 -
Yes, people are different.
But back to the generalizations again, I think men and women are different because for hundreds of years, the worth of a woman was tied to her appearance, while a man's worth came from his skills or wealth or job or status.
For men, "I need to lose weight" means not accepting your fat, but still accepting yourself.
For too many women, "I need to lose weight" is all tied up with the idea that if you're not young and sexy and beautiful, you're worthless in society.
Which is NOT TRUE AT ALL but I get why people feel that way.
Yup.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I used to be, until my therapist recommended this: I'm not allowed to speak to myself in a way I wouldn't speak to my kids/mom/sister/husband/etc. It's really helped me realize how terribly I was treating myself.
I came here to say exactly this. For me, I wasn't able to really commit to losing weight until I started treating myself with basic human decency. 92 pounds down, I can easily say that continually choosing to love myself unconditionally is the healthiest decision I've ever made.
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Yes. I tried the "accept myself" route, and kept getting fatter, all the while being very defensive when people made anti-fat comments. (Even though, yes, I was making them to myself in my head, because deep down I knew I was fat, ugly, miserable, undesireable, etc. because I was grossly obese - 100 lb over the top healthy weight - and I'd put myself there. Who'd do that to herself?)
If you were being defensive and still making those comments to yourself, you really didn't actually accept yourself, then. That's kind of the whole point. I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I talk in ways to myself in my own head that I wouldn't dare ever say to another human being. All it did was continue to make me feel worthless, disgusting, and not worth trying to change anything because, what's the point? I'm worthless and disgusting, so why bother? My self-worth was so tied to my appearance that I couldn't even separate it from my own self.
I'm not "curvy" or "plus-size," I'm just FAT. Breaking it down, being fat just means my body has an excess of fatty tissue. I made myself this way, but now, I try to look at it as something that just is. Calling myself disgusting and worthless, and being overburdened by unending shame over my weight serves no purpose but making me feel worse, further spurning self-destructive behaviours.
Being this weight doesn't make me happy, but everything I've done up to this point - the dieting, the obsessive working out, the self-hatred, has done nothing to help me change that. I'm fat. Oh well. I'm okay with it. I'm changing it. Separating my fat and how I eat from me and my self-worth is going to be the very reason I'm I lose this weight.
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Or, more to the point, I have fat. I am not fat.
The excess fat isn't me. It doesn't define me. I can lose it, because it's not great for my health or my looks, and I'll be happy when it's gone.
I've been both happy and sad when I was smaller. I've been both happy and sad when I was bigger. Who I am is about more than just a dress size.0 -
I think the first step toward changing is acceptance. So until you can accept that your body is what it is (for now) and be at peace with it, only then can you change it into the body you want it to be. I have done the beat myself up thing and it has gotten me nowhere. Just many rides around the gain and lose merry go round. I have finally accepted my current size and the fact that it may take a long time and a lot of work to get where I want to be. No quick fixes. And I've decided to enjoy the journey instead of just wanting to be done. This will take at least a few years to acheive and a lifetime to maintain, so may as well enjoy the ride.0
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girlviernes wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
Well, actually I'm female. I guess, rereading my post, it does seem kinda like a guy thing to say.
I seem to be incapable of changing the well worn paths that my thoughts take and not only in this area. . Your words about letting go of the shame, etc...I don't understand how that is done.
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NoelFigart1 wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
Do you motivate people around you by saying hateful things? I mean, God knows I don't need pets and strokes all the time, and I don't talk to myself that way, but ya know, when I'm teaching someone, there is a gradient. I can call them an idiot for not knowing something, or we can acknowledge that, nope, they don't know it, so let's get to working on that.
I'm hardly fluffybunny, but I sure as hell don't think being hateful is productive.
I'm not sure how you got from my words to the idea that I speak hatefully to others. I don't feel hateful toward other people, either. (Well, maybe one or two.)
I treat myself harshly in my thoughts. No, it's not at all productive. I wouldn't speak to another person the same way. I do see the illogic in that, but I don't know how to change it.
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lthames0810 wrote: »girlviernes wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
Well, actually I'm female. I guess, rereading my post, it does seem kinda like a guy thing to say.
I seem to be incapable of changing the well worn paths that my thoughts take and not only in this area. . Your words about letting go of the shame, etc...I don't understand how that is done.
Well, if you think it would be helpful to you, a lot of the meditative practices have a focus on self-compassion and loosening attachment to judgment. I've done a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course which I enjoyed, although you can start with just youtubing some meditations such as Mindfulness of the Breath, Leaves on a Stream, and Self-Compassion mindfulness.
It's a lot of work to change your relationship with your thoughts, but it's been worth it to me. It's an ongoing journey though! I still have those kinds of thoughts, but they don't impact me much and don't hang around as long as before.
I also like the book, "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" and I've heard great things about Brene Brown's books.
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One final note, I think self-compassion can be highly bidirectional with taking action in your life, the more I accept myself, the more able I am to be flexible and sustain these changes, and the more that I WANT to fight for the best life I can have, and the more I actually do the work and make healthy choices day by day the more I accept myself. And so on.0
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lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
So you think that every single person who is overweight is a worthless waste of space? Or just yourself?
Just myself. I understand that it makes no sense to hate myself for allowing myself to get fat, but I can love others who have done the same. I don't know how to change that.
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lthames0810 wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
So you think that every single person who is overweight is a worthless waste of space? Or just yourself?
Just myself. I understand that it makes no sense to hate myself for allowing myself to get fat, but I can love others who have done the same. I don't know how to change that.
I think recognizing that it's not just you or your friends who caused the weight to be gained might help. Nobody lives in a vacuum. We live in a world that is set up so that if we don't structure our food choices in a very conscious way, the default outcome is overweight and obesity. Think about that! That wasn't always the case. The cause of the gain wasn't just down to you. The answer to it is, though.0 -
I'm absolutely vicious when it comes to fat-shaming myself. I know all the weak spots, so there's no mercy. I'll even use the words my bullies taunted me with in school.
I'd never, ever say the things I say to myself to another person. Oh no. But to myself? Sure. I get to do that, because this is me. Not someone else, someone who gets to be what they are and do what they do. I don't.
In addition to verbally/mentally beating myself up, I also set impossible goals for myself, so I can twist the knife when I inevitably fail. And did I mention I self-sabotage?
... yeah. Not so healthy, I know. But I've been doing it for years and it's a hard habit to break. I honestly feel like I'd be deluding myself if I gave myself a bit of leeway/love.0 -
I think the pendulum has swung too far for far too many with the self-worth argument
Sometimes what we do is not OK and we have to accept that or the consequences of what we do
Yes, I admitted earlier I was body dysmorphic in the positive way, so no I have never felt ashamed of my body or hated myself for it... but I always knew (in my busting out of my UK size 16s ..US size 12s...way) that I was overweight, I just didn't unduly care .. but I always knew it was my own fault because I ate too much and moved too little
There's a parenting argument this spins into this too .. too many parents, in my view, give meaningless praise all the time to little ones .. oh did you just walk down that step, well done, aren't you amazing .. that doesn't build self-worth .. it's pointless .. praise effort / praise endeavour, empathise with failure but praise the getting back on the horse / getting up and over the obstacle / picking yourself up and brushing yourself off and doing it again .. this extrapolates to self-worth too
You can love yourself whilst accepting your own faults .. it's what makes us human .. but it's your decision whether you decide to do anything about that .. and tbh this is a closed audience because being here means you're doing something about it .. that's worth praising yourself0 -
ote="lthames0810;31139396"]NoelFigart1 wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
Do you motivate people around you by saying hateful things? I mean, God knows I don't need pets and strokes all the time, and I don't talk to myself that way, but ya know, when I'm teaching someone, there is a gradient. I can call them an idiot for not knowing something, or we can acknowledge that, nope, they don't know it, so let's get to working on that.
I'm hardly fluffybunny, but I sure as hell don't think being hateful is productive.
I'm not sure how you got from my words to the idea that I speak hatefully to others. I don't feel hateful toward other people, either. (Well, maybe one or two.)
I treat myself harshly in my thoughts. No, it's not at all productive. I wouldn't speak to another person the same way. I do see the illogic in that, but I don't know how to change it.
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I see. Well that's certainly tough. I hope you learn to treat yourself with the same courtesy you'd treat another. Since you are clearly aware that being unkind doesn't motivate other people I hope that you can stop being unkind to yourself.
A way that is often recommended is to be conscious of self-talk and remind yourself to talk to yourself the same way you'd talk to someone you loved.0 -
lthames0810 wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
So you think that every single person who is overweight is a worthless waste of space? Or just yourself?
Just myself. I understand that it makes no sense to hate myself for allowing myself to get fat, but I can love others who have done the same. I don't know how to change that.
Focus on what you're doing to change things and how positive that is. You don't have to make it all sunshine and unicorns but take some time to mark your accomplishments - workouts, meals, everything you do that takes you towards your goals deserves to be noted.
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I find shaming myself to be counter-productive, because I see becoming fit and healthy a positive thing to do for myself. Why would I do something nice for someone I don't like?
And I think shaming yourself is not sustainable for a lifetime. It's sad to me that someone finds it necessary to beat themselves into submission for years and years. Learning to love and accept yourself is hard, and it doesn't necessarily mean "I have no need to change, so I am not going to". It means "I appreciate myself enough to make changes for a better future".0 -
I think this is something that I spent so much time doing, in a way, to try and get myself going. As someone who is starting this journey with the mindset that I want to succeed, it will take some time to change that habit, just like changing my old eating and exercise habits. I have never been a person to pat myself on the back and talk myself up, telling myself things are ok the way they are; when they obviously aren't. I appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions. I honestly never thought this thread would take off like this. I guess I am not alone in this boat after all.0
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I find shaming myself to be counter-productive, because I see becoming fit and healthy a positive thing to do for myself. Why would I do something nice for someone I don't like?
And I think shaming yourself is not sustainable for a lifetime. It's sad to me that someone finds it necessary to beat themselves into submission for years and years. Learning to love and accept yourself is hard, and it doesn't necessarily mean "I have no need to change, so I am not going to". It means "I appreciate myself enough to make changes for a better future".
This is how I feel too.
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