How I lost the weight, recovered from my eating disorder, and gained my life back
jackiegiraffe
Posts: 5 Member
I’m going to share my very personal success story with you. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but I finally have ended the lifelong battle I’ve had with myself and my body. My success story isn’t just my weight loss story. It’s my life story.
You can read all of my fitness, nutrition, and health tips at my site, Eat The Damn Cookie!, which highlights the importance of moderating treats along with a healthy diet and fitness regimen to be successful in your weight loss! I hope you guys enjoy my story!
I have always struggled with body image. Even as a child, I was always feeling self conscious. If it wasn’t my weight, it was my acne, my hair, my nose – basically I would just look for flaws to nitpick. Unfortunately, it’s hard not to compare yourself to others when our society has engrained this image of “perfection” in our minds. We grow up being exposed to the beauty standards of models and celebrities, and for some reason, we feel our looks are inferior. I’d like to delve further into this topic another time. Right now, I’d like to tell you about my road to weight loss and, more importantly, to loving myself.
This is a very long story. It’s 26 years in the making. It’s extremely personal and includes facts about myself that I have never opened up to anyone about. I am hoping to help others struggling with body image to jumpstart their recovery and live the amazing life we all deserve to live. If I could overcome this, so can you.
I’ll start at the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The Epiphany That Caused Me to Lose Weight
Back in 2011, I had become obsessed with the show “The Biggest Loser”, a reality show about extreme weight loss. At this time, I was just over 140 lbs (at 5’1″, it’s considered moderately overweight), eating absolute garbage, and had never stepped foot inside a gym. I ate huge portions of whatever I wanted without thinking twice about its nutritional benefits. I felt sluggish, lazy, and spent most of my days in bed or on the couch. One night, I was binge watching “The Biggest Loser” on Netflix, and without thinking, decided to binge on an entire box of Chips Ahoy Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies. Upon finishing the cookies, I actually said outloud, “Well, this is ironic.” At that very moment, a switch went off in my head that said I needed to make a change in my life. I immediately set out on losing weight the next day. I researched weight loss and decided to go on a low-fat diet after reading some outdated studies telling us to avoid eating fat to avoid getting fat.
I hadn’t been comfortable with my body for years. I would spend hours changing outfits before going out. Often times, I would cry at my reflection. I became so consumed with how my body looked that I frequently decided to stay home to avoid the stress getting dressed caused me. I dreaded seeing unflattering photos of myself from a night out on Facebook. I would basically anticipate the photos so I could untag them immediately. For reasons unknown, it had never occurred to me that I could stop myself from this misery. The solution was as simple as to stop treating my body like *kitten*.
2010. Me at my heaviest weight, over 140 pounds.
When I started to consider what I was putting into my body, I saw an immediate change. Others started to notice, too. My co-workers at the time were constantly asking if I’d lost weight. My friends were all asking me for my secret. My mom was worrying that I wasn’t eating enough. All of this attention started getting to my head. It worked like drug- I was addicted to hearing that I was thin. It turned me on. I became more obsessed with losing weight than I had been about being overweight. It wasn’t a healthy obsession. I began counting calories, and made sure I didn’t exceed 1,000 for an entire day. I had a job where I had to be on my feet for the entire shift. I basically lived off of coffee and cabbage soup. This was an extremely unhealthy lifestyle, and I was malnourished. I had dropped down from a size 8 to a size
3. 140 lb to 110 lb. My breasts went from a full 36DD to barely a 34C. I had lost all of my feminine curves and I missed my boobs, but I was skinny. People noticed, and I was happy… or so I thought.
2012. I was too thin at 110 lbs.
The Realization That I Had Developed an Eating Disorder
As the months went on, being on a low-fat, mostly vegetarian diet started to take its toll on me. I avoided fat like the plague; never cooking with oil or butter, steaming all of my food, and living mostly on cabbage soup, pretzels, and granola. Not only was I tired all of the time, I was ravenously hungry, constipated, and a daily migraine was just imminent. I felt horrible. I was weak. I would go to the gym and run 3 miles on the treadmill and immediately go home to crash on the couch for the rest of the day. I didn’t have proper running shoes, so my feet and shins hurt constantly. I wasn’t eating nearly enough calories or nutrients to be functioning normally.
I had quit my job at a retail store, and started working at a bakery to pursue my career as a decorator. There, I developed an eating disorder that I am extremely ashamed of. No one in my life, not even my boyfriend of 6 years, is fully aware that this was going on, so it’s really taking a lot for me to make this public knowledge. At this time, I was dealing with a serious identity crisis, and self deprecation. When working at the bakery, I would not allow myself to eat lunch or dinner so that I could eat cake all day. Not only did I replace my meals with cake, I would binge so horribly on it that I would try to throw it up. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but either way, this act was so damaging to my health. It grew larger than just binging and purging cake, it would feel the urge to throw up no matter what I ate. It had become a reflex to throw up my food directly after eating it. I was hiding jars in my room to throw up in and later pour down the toilet. I had constant heart palpitations, headaches, depression, stopped getting my period, and the enamel was wearing away at my teeth. This quietly went on for a whole year before I decided enough was enough.
The Road to Recovery
It took what seemed like an eternity, but I slowly regained the ability to eat without purging. The desire was still there, I just suppressed it until it went away. It now seems like it was a hundred years ago, but at the time, I thought I would never recover. It has taken me all of the strength I have to overcome this. I quietly recovered on my own without anyone’s help. In retrospect, I should have opened up to others about it. Doing it on my own, though, has made me mentally so much stronger. I feel like I have control over my life, body, and mind for the first time. It’s one of my greatest accomplishments, and yet no one in my life knows about it. I’m sharing my story as a PSA that I am fully recovered from my eating disorder.
Post-E.D., Paleo Diet, and Binging
After I had made a full recovery from my binge/purge disorder (Bulimia Nervosa), I decided to ditch the low-fat diet. I read about all of the benefits of a high-fat, low-carb, whole food diet, and jumped on the Paleolithic Diet bandwagon. The Paleolithic Diet (Paleo for short) is the belief that humans follow a contemporary version of the diet of our ancestors. Paleo followers are encouraged to eat fats (including saturated fats), plenty of lean protein, fruits, and vegetables; while avoiding sugars, starches, alcohol, and processed foods. For the most part, I felt good following a pretty strict Paleo diet. I had integrated healthy fats, like nuts, avocado, olive oil, and grass-fed butter into my meals. I also had dramatically increased the amount of protein I was eating. Along with this diet, I added weight training into my workout regimen. I put on a few pounds of muscle. I was sleeping better, had more energy, increased mood, even pooping better! The only problem was, I started binging (no purging) harder than ever, because of the restrictions of the diet. I mostly binged on sweets. Once I started, I didn’t want to stop, because I knew how long it would be until I’d have another chance to eat it.
Finding A Balance/Finding My Happy Place
Left: 2006. Right: 2014.
I found my happy place with a well balanced diet. My definition of a well-balanced diet includes nutritious meals using whole vegetables and fruits for fiber, carbohydrates, and vitamins, good fats to stay full and keep my digestion regular, lean protein to repair my muscles after a good workout, drinking plenty of water and green tea, and treating myself to a sweet or salty snack each day. I have basically doctored my own diet, based on the Paleo diet, but without the restriction. My diet, combined with a solid gym regimen at least 3 times a week for an hour a session, has kept me at a comfortable weight of 125 lb. I am now in the middle of my heaviest and lowest weight, and it’s perfect. I no longer deal with irregular periods, constipation, chronic headaches, and frequent binge eating. Could I lose a few pounds of belly fat? Sure, but at this point, I am feeling so good about my physical and mental health, I wouldn’t change a thing. For the first time, at 26 years old, I feel completely confident and sexy naked, as well as fully clothed. My boobs grew and look fabulous. Squats and lunges have done wonders for my butt. I have strong, defined arms and legs. I eat the damn cookie, along with my health food, along with exercise, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The happiness I feel at this weight inspired me to start a lifestyle blog.
2014. Strong and healthy at 125 lbs.
Reflecting on and writing about my journey to where I am today was eye-opening. I can’t believe how far I’ve come from all of the hard work I’ve done on myself. I finally get to live my life the way I am supposed to. I finally love myself and my life.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, losing weight, or trying to find yourself, I understand. Reach out to me. I’m someone who has been through it all, even though I didn’t have an exorbitant amount of weight to lose in the first place. You can and will get your life back, trust me. Your happiness is more than the number on the scale. It comes from within.
Jackie
You can read all of my fitness, nutrition, and health tips at my site, Eat The Damn Cookie!, which highlights the importance of moderating treats along with a healthy diet and fitness regimen to be successful in your weight loss! I hope you guys enjoy my story!
I have always struggled with body image. Even as a child, I was always feeling self conscious. If it wasn’t my weight, it was my acne, my hair, my nose – basically I would just look for flaws to nitpick. Unfortunately, it’s hard not to compare yourself to others when our society has engrained this image of “perfection” in our minds. We grow up being exposed to the beauty standards of models and celebrities, and for some reason, we feel our looks are inferior. I’d like to delve further into this topic another time. Right now, I’d like to tell you about my road to weight loss and, more importantly, to loving myself.
This is a very long story. It’s 26 years in the making. It’s extremely personal and includes facts about myself that I have never opened up to anyone about. I am hoping to help others struggling with body image to jumpstart their recovery and live the amazing life we all deserve to live. If I could overcome this, so can you.
I’ll start at the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The Epiphany That Caused Me to Lose Weight
Back in 2011, I had become obsessed with the show “The Biggest Loser”, a reality show about extreme weight loss. At this time, I was just over 140 lbs (at 5’1″, it’s considered moderately overweight), eating absolute garbage, and had never stepped foot inside a gym. I ate huge portions of whatever I wanted without thinking twice about its nutritional benefits. I felt sluggish, lazy, and spent most of my days in bed or on the couch. One night, I was binge watching “The Biggest Loser” on Netflix, and without thinking, decided to binge on an entire box of Chips Ahoy Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies. Upon finishing the cookies, I actually said outloud, “Well, this is ironic.” At that very moment, a switch went off in my head that said I needed to make a change in my life. I immediately set out on losing weight the next day. I researched weight loss and decided to go on a low-fat diet after reading some outdated studies telling us to avoid eating fat to avoid getting fat.
I hadn’t been comfortable with my body for years. I would spend hours changing outfits before going out. Often times, I would cry at my reflection. I became so consumed with how my body looked that I frequently decided to stay home to avoid the stress getting dressed caused me. I dreaded seeing unflattering photos of myself from a night out on Facebook. I would basically anticipate the photos so I could untag them immediately. For reasons unknown, it had never occurred to me that I could stop myself from this misery. The solution was as simple as to stop treating my body like *kitten*.
2010. Me at my heaviest weight, over 140 pounds.
When I started to consider what I was putting into my body, I saw an immediate change. Others started to notice, too. My co-workers at the time were constantly asking if I’d lost weight. My friends were all asking me for my secret. My mom was worrying that I wasn’t eating enough. All of this attention started getting to my head. It worked like drug- I was addicted to hearing that I was thin. It turned me on. I became more obsessed with losing weight than I had been about being overweight. It wasn’t a healthy obsession. I began counting calories, and made sure I didn’t exceed 1,000 for an entire day. I had a job where I had to be on my feet for the entire shift. I basically lived off of coffee and cabbage soup. This was an extremely unhealthy lifestyle, and I was malnourished. I had dropped down from a size 8 to a size
3. 140 lb to 110 lb. My breasts went from a full 36DD to barely a 34C. I had lost all of my feminine curves and I missed my boobs, but I was skinny. People noticed, and I was happy… or so I thought.
2012. I was too thin at 110 lbs.
The Realization That I Had Developed an Eating Disorder
As the months went on, being on a low-fat, mostly vegetarian diet started to take its toll on me. I avoided fat like the plague; never cooking with oil or butter, steaming all of my food, and living mostly on cabbage soup, pretzels, and granola. Not only was I tired all of the time, I was ravenously hungry, constipated, and a daily migraine was just imminent. I felt horrible. I was weak. I would go to the gym and run 3 miles on the treadmill and immediately go home to crash on the couch for the rest of the day. I didn’t have proper running shoes, so my feet and shins hurt constantly. I wasn’t eating nearly enough calories or nutrients to be functioning normally.
I had quit my job at a retail store, and started working at a bakery to pursue my career as a decorator. There, I developed an eating disorder that I am extremely ashamed of. No one in my life, not even my boyfriend of 6 years, is fully aware that this was going on, so it’s really taking a lot for me to make this public knowledge. At this time, I was dealing with a serious identity crisis, and self deprecation. When working at the bakery, I would not allow myself to eat lunch or dinner so that I could eat cake all day. Not only did I replace my meals with cake, I would binge so horribly on it that I would try to throw it up. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but either way, this act was so damaging to my health. It grew larger than just binging and purging cake, it would feel the urge to throw up no matter what I ate. It had become a reflex to throw up my food directly after eating it. I was hiding jars in my room to throw up in and later pour down the toilet. I had constant heart palpitations, headaches, depression, stopped getting my period, and the enamel was wearing away at my teeth. This quietly went on for a whole year before I decided enough was enough.
The Road to Recovery
It took what seemed like an eternity, but I slowly regained the ability to eat without purging. The desire was still there, I just suppressed it until it went away. It now seems like it was a hundred years ago, but at the time, I thought I would never recover. It has taken me all of the strength I have to overcome this. I quietly recovered on my own without anyone’s help. In retrospect, I should have opened up to others about it. Doing it on my own, though, has made me mentally so much stronger. I feel like I have control over my life, body, and mind for the first time. It’s one of my greatest accomplishments, and yet no one in my life knows about it. I’m sharing my story as a PSA that I am fully recovered from my eating disorder.
Post-E.D., Paleo Diet, and Binging
After I had made a full recovery from my binge/purge disorder (Bulimia Nervosa), I decided to ditch the low-fat diet. I read about all of the benefits of a high-fat, low-carb, whole food diet, and jumped on the Paleolithic Diet bandwagon. The Paleolithic Diet (Paleo for short) is the belief that humans follow a contemporary version of the diet of our ancestors. Paleo followers are encouraged to eat fats (including saturated fats), plenty of lean protein, fruits, and vegetables; while avoiding sugars, starches, alcohol, and processed foods. For the most part, I felt good following a pretty strict Paleo diet. I had integrated healthy fats, like nuts, avocado, olive oil, and grass-fed butter into my meals. I also had dramatically increased the amount of protein I was eating. Along with this diet, I added weight training into my workout regimen. I put on a few pounds of muscle. I was sleeping better, had more energy, increased mood, even pooping better! The only problem was, I started binging (no purging) harder than ever, because of the restrictions of the diet. I mostly binged on sweets. Once I started, I didn’t want to stop, because I knew how long it would be until I’d have another chance to eat it.
Finding A Balance/Finding My Happy Place
Left: 2006. Right: 2014.
I found my happy place with a well balanced diet. My definition of a well-balanced diet includes nutritious meals using whole vegetables and fruits for fiber, carbohydrates, and vitamins, good fats to stay full and keep my digestion regular, lean protein to repair my muscles after a good workout, drinking plenty of water and green tea, and treating myself to a sweet or salty snack each day. I have basically doctored my own diet, based on the Paleo diet, but without the restriction. My diet, combined with a solid gym regimen at least 3 times a week for an hour a session, has kept me at a comfortable weight of 125 lb. I am now in the middle of my heaviest and lowest weight, and it’s perfect. I no longer deal with irregular periods, constipation, chronic headaches, and frequent binge eating. Could I lose a few pounds of belly fat? Sure, but at this point, I am feeling so good about my physical and mental health, I wouldn’t change a thing. For the first time, at 26 years old, I feel completely confident and sexy naked, as well as fully clothed. My boobs grew and look fabulous. Squats and lunges have done wonders for my butt. I have strong, defined arms and legs. I eat the damn cookie, along with my health food, along with exercise, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The happiness I feel at this weight inspired me to start a lifestyle blog.
2014. Strong and healthy at 125 lbs.
Reflecting on and writing about my journey to where I am today was eye-opening. I can’t believe how far I’ve come from all of the hard work I’ve done on myself. I finally get to live my life the way I am supposed to. I finally love myself and my life.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, losing weight, or trying to find yourself, I understand. Reach out to me. I’m someone who has been through it all, even though I didn’t have an exorbitant amount of weight to lose in the first place. You can and will get your life back, trust me. Your happiness is more than the number on the scale. It comes from within.
Jackie 0
Replies
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Your story is so inspirational and so like my own! I went from a bit overweight to anorexic, to bulimic, to binging to recovered. From the ages of 14-19. Now I'm 22 and I'm trying to lose a bit of excess weight I gained from being chronically ill this year and being on zombie meds- woohoo. Makes me sound like I do nothing but be sick but lol! But I want to be like you, at a happy healthy medium. Nice to know someone else has done it.0
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Well Done You! Cant believe how much youve gone through. Keep up the good work!0
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I love you.
You are beautiful. And you should be so so soooo proud of all you have overcome and achieved! A huge well done! xxx0 -
Thank you so much for sharing.. congrats on your journey so far on the path to a healthy lifestyle!0
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Fantastic story! well done! x0
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"I finally love myself and my life."
Oh honey, I'm so pleased you found your happy place - but I am sorry you got lost along the way! It does help to talk about these things though and to share your experiences, that's why I love the idea of your blog. You've learned so much about healthy eating and exercise that I think you'll have a lot to teach the people who visit it!
Good luck moving forwards. xx0 -
Thank you for sharing. I am sure it was a difficult road and doing it on your own must have been realy hard. But now by sharing your story you are opening eyes of people like when you were younger. This was very helpful for me back then and I am happy for this post.0
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Amazing story! You're so beautiful! Congrats on having a healthier life and overcoming your eating disorder.0
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Hi Jackie, thank you for sharing your story – I will definitely have a look at your blog!
I wish I could have sorted out all this stuff in my 20s, I tell you what. Now at 44 I am pretty sure I am well on the way to this being "it" finally. I blog over at http://amytenpercent.blogspot.com if you want to read about me, too. Long history there, so I can really identify what you've gone through.
xoxo!0 -
You look amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your story.0
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I normally pass over the tl;dr posts, but I'm glad I spent the ten minutes to read this. Very inspiring, and awesome story. It is good to know that there are actually other people out there who deal with their problems head-on by themselves, even if secretly, without the crutch of outside assistance.
You look awesome, and I wish you the best!0 -
You, young lady, absolutely rock! You've come so far and learned so much. You also look amazing - the 125 looks beautiful on you!!!!0
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Thank you for sharing...0
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outstanding!!!! You look great at 125...0
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This is such a beautiful success story. Thank you for sharing this. Baring your soul for all to see. Finding true happiness is all we can hope for.0
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Wow well done on your recovery and finding balance. Thanks for sharing!0
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Such an inspiration!!!!0
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Congratulations girl, I myself am trying to just find a happy me ! Good work0
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Incredible story, you look great and it's even better that you feel great!!0
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This is such an amazing story to see. My life is following a similar pattern (from overweight to ED to binge eating) and I think it's something that happens to a lot of people who suffer from EDs, so seeing a story where someone beats the odds is awesome!! Thanks so much for sharing this 0
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Wow you are such an inspiration thankyou for sharing your story0
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I've never had an ED, but your story spoke to something universal. I'm so proud of you. And by the way, you look super fantastic!0
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Wow!! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!!!0
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I feel for the struggle, but I also understand obstacles. You are awesome for figuring it out, and finally loving yourself! I am one of those who seeks everyone's approval . It's so annoying! I hope this is finally the successful road for me. Take care, you look fantastic!!0
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What a difficult journey, I am so glad you had the strength to work through it. Your story must have been so hard to write and I admire your bravery. Congratulations on finding your happy place, something I hope to achieve one day. You look beautiful and strong.0
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you look great in your last picture. Glad you are finding happiness!!! I can totally relate with the cake thing, i have no control with sweet, but I have never purged before, and don't plan on it, I have to train myself to be OK wanting sweets, but not eating them like I have, and whatever it is that I am trying to fill in my life by eating them with reckless abandon haha. @jackiegiraffe0
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Congratulations on your success.. It takes a very strong person to overcome those struggles.. And you look great!0
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I am so happy to hear you feel good! The bonus is you look better than you did in any of the other versions of yourself.0
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Thank you for sharing your story. I have also struggled with an eating disorder most of my life and still find I obsess about my food and weight on a daily basis. I'm hoping this website will help me lose the weight and keep it off in a healthy way. Glad you recognized when you felt too skinny and found your happy place.0
This discussion has been closed.
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