Let's Support Each Other--HOLY CRAP, this is long!

Hi, my name is Erin. I'm a 32 year-old woman from Boise, Idaho. I gain weight easily and lose it slowly. I can eat less than others and still gain weight. I don't mind exercising and I usually prefer healthy foods. My trouble is that I resent having to count calories because I love eating, but I love life more and I want to keep going as long and as happily as I can. Most of all, I'm exhausted by my negative thoughts and I want to discover self-love, which at this point, I honestly can't even conceptualize. Self-love? Love myself? LOVE my body? HOW??

I'm looking for teammates to encourage and who will encourage me. This is my first time on MFP. I've been tracking my food for almost a month now, and now it's time to take it a step further by joining the community.

About Me: I just finished Peace Corps in Jordan. Now I'm home in Idaho for a while, but I got a job with USAID in Jordan so I'll be moving back soon and that will throw my food and exercise routine a curve. I graduated from BSU in 2007 with a BA in Social Work/PoliSci. I want a Master's in International Development, or Int'l Public Policy, or something close to that. I should be pinpointing that this year. My long term goals are hazy (I'm ever in existential crisis and I can never determine just what it is that I want to do with my life), but might include a JD specializing in Refugee Law. I'm also a neo-burlesque performer and an acroyoga base. My good friend and I co-founded a vaudeville variety show several years back and I often wonder if I should maybe just stick with the circus rather than seek out a soul-sucking career?

My Weight Loss Journey:

Born--tall, sturdy, strong, hale, but of normal weight, I can remember feeling fat as early as 2nd grade (at 7 years old? WTF?). I put myself on my first diet when I was 10--when I was still a totally normal weight. My most memorable highlight of that diet was gorging on Nilla wafers that I'd hidden in the record player. I'd like to re-emphasize that at this time, I wasn't at all overweight. I wasn't in ballet or gymnastics and I can only guess that my negative thoughts came from media, and more powerfully, from my mother's own negative body image. I saw her hating herself, and I wanted to be adult, so I modeled her self-loathing behavior? That's my best guess.

Middle school/High school--developed early and was hourglassy, thought that I was fat. Still wasn't fat. Was actually quite thin for my height/structure upon graduating (junior's size 9--145 lbs?). I hated all of my body that was in excess of a size 7. I only wanted to be a size 7. I obsessed over images of heroin chic models in Delia's and Seventeen. My emotional life was hell because my mom was an alcoholic racing to rock bottom. I was taking care of her, never sleeping, and stressing for four years. My weight may have been more due to these factors than anything healthy.

Age 19-22: I was engaged and I got really, actually fat for the first time ever, but I barely noticed because I had always believed myself to be fat already. I got married and was pretty miserable emotionally. I got up to a size 20 and stretch marks exploded over my stomach. I started Weight Watchers (WW) Online on Jan. 9, 2004. I lost about 60 pounds by counting points and doing the Firm cardio/strength training tapes. Then I got divorced and stopped WW. My lifestyle totally changed. I no longer had a disposable income or a scale. My lowest weight must have been 175-180. For me this was quite comfortable. I could wear size 10 pants and skirts, sometimes even an 8. I could shop anywhere for the first time in years and I wasn't worried about gaining a little weight. I was worried about things other than my damn weight for once. It was nice.

Age 23-Age 29: I steadily gained weight while I worked for a Congressional campaign, started burlesque performance, met my best friends, and struggled with the question of what do with my life. I fell in love with Ashtanga and acroyoga, weight training, and hiking, but mostly hovered around 200-205 pounds no matter how much I did. I was deeply disturbed by my weight. I'd go through periods of deep self-loathing, but mostly try to ignore it or make the most of it by focusing on bigger problems. Mother Theresa wasn't worried about her thighs, right? She had *kitten* to do. How could I care how I looked when our world was so full of social injustice?

December 2014, a
ge 32: I returned from Peace Corps to find myself at 217 pounds. Within the first month of being home, I increased to 224. I got my first smartphone and started on MFP and until yesterday, had lost several pounds. I've been eating well and suddenly I'm up to 225? I'm hoping it's water or something since I have added jogging to my exercise regime. I'm not sure about what my weight goal is. BMI says 128!??? No way! At any rate, I've got a ways to go. Really, my personal goal is to feel good about myself and have a body that can last another several decades. I want to dance on my 100th birthday, you know?

If you've read this far, you're crazy! Be my friend.