Hopeless

Lucy_6678
Lucy_6678 Posts: 63 Member
edited November 13 in Introduce Yourself
I am 36 years old. I am 5 feet 5 inches, I weigh 186.6 lbs. and I hate myself.

This is the heaviest I have ever been. I have always been skinny, now I am out of control, and feel completely disgusting. Some of this is my own fault, but there are also extenuating circumstances adding to how I feel.

I am depressed and I am trying to hide my feelings with food and beer. I CAN’T wait for my husband and kids to go to bed each night so I can eat unlimited snacks and drink unlimited beer. I stay up later just to get this alone time at night. Literally every morning I wake up and tell myself, “today will be different, you will not over indulge.” By the time 9 p.m. rolls around I am stressed beyond belief and need the snacks and beer. The amount I am bingeing has been increasing. I ate a whole bag of potato chips in 2 nights. I can eat a whole bag of Goldfish in one night. After I overindulge I hate myself even more.

I am on anti-depressants, and have anti-anxiety medication. I still feel hopeless. I am afraid to take too much Ativan b/c my doctor told me it can be habit forming. When I do take it- things are better. I am stressed from my job- I teach 8th grade. My husband has me stressed beyond belief, and my mom has me stressed as well.

My husband currently has his jaw wired shut. This is due to a surgery he opted to have due to severe sleep apnea. This was on January 20th. He went to the doctor and was told it would be wired shut 6-8 more weeks, this was Wednesday. He has gone from 250 lbs. to 210. His brother told me today his goal is to reach 185 lbs. I would officially be heavier than my husband. I don’t know what I am going to do. I feel so hopeless. I used to walk 4 miles a day almost every day. We got a puppy in July and my walking has stopped completely. When I get home from school I feel guilty going out for a walk leaving my husband home with the 2 kids, and the puppy. The puppy is now able to walk with me. The new problem is our other dog wines non-stop until I come back for him. This stresses my husband out and makes things terrible for the girls while I am gone. I feel like all I can do is “manage” things. I also suspect he might be having an affair or an emotional affair. Anytime I have his phone (him telling me to answer calls or texts while he sleeps) he never has any text messages from our friend Trish. I know they text b/c she takes our 1 daughter to school every day. Our two families are actually very close but it is so strange to me that there are never any texts there. There are texts from everyone else, even his ex-wife, but never ANY texts from her. I think he deletes any text threads from her. I can understand how he would be attracted to her. She is good looking, nice, and in good shape. She is happily married, but I just feel like he would leave me in a heartbeat if he could.

Oh top of this my mom is 64 years old and lives in a nursing home. She has Huntington’s disease. It is an awful disease. Even worse its genetic. I have a 50/50 chance of getting it also. Even typing about it almost puts me into a full blow panic attack. I have chosen not to have my own children b/c of this chance. “Our girls” are his daughters and my step-daughters, ages 11 and 13. It is terrible to see my mom disintegrate like this. It’s awful. My dad is so wonderful to her and that makes me so happy. I visit her every week but I can’t bear to stay over ½ hour. It is too hard for me. Then I feel guilty I didn’t stay longer. I am sure being fit and living well would push back the onset of it, but I don’t have the willpower. I can get genetically tested to see if I have the gene, but I am afraid of the results. I would probably take my own life if I knew I had it. I do not want to burden my husband or kids with this in the future.

I’m am mess and don’t know where to start to change things. I do not like who I am. I want to be someone different. I don’t know why I am posting this. I just feel so lonely and pathetic. I am sure I am leaving out important parts of my story, but I am trying to get this out the fastest I can. I know the change needs to come from me. I’m not sure I am strong enough to start this change.

-Lucy

Replies

  • ythamoon
    ythamoon Posts: 26
    Hey lucy, you seem a nice person and you are really worried about your family and that show that u deserve to be happy! Im trying to lose some weight too and if I could help you I would but im in the same position I dont really know what to do. But im telling you something, dont hate yourself! You are an incredible person and you need to believe in you.
  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
    The hardest thing I had to do was get rid of the guilt of leaving the kids alone so I could go workout. Can you do this?
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
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  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Hang in there!! Get back to walking, it's good for the body and clears your head. Baby steps!! Hugs
  • ilovemypeekapug
    ilovemypeekapug Posts: 106 Member
    Lucy, you are so brave to put all of this on here.... it takes guts to open up like that. Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to on a regular basis to help give you coping skills. Are you seeing someone? As far as the risk of getting Huntington's Disease, you cannot let yourself be robbed of enjoying life now because of the chance of getting it. I have multiple sclerosis, and if I let myself worry about going blind or being in a wheelchair in a few years, I get depressed. I have to choose to live every day in the moment, and deal with the future when it gets here. You have come to right place to get started on your weight loss journey. MFP has some awesome people on here with great advice. Feel free to add me as a friend. Is there any reason your girls can't walk the dogs with you? That way both dogs can go at the same time and your husband isn't left watching anyone? In reality, how much trouble can watching an 11 and 13 year old be so that your wife can get some exercise. Maybe you need an adjustment in your medications if they are not helping control your anxiety/depression? I have spent a lot of my life feeling hopeless/hating myself. I am finally at the age of 38 realizing my worth. You ARE loved by your family, and important. You have SO much on your shoulders right now. stopping late night binging is HARD, but it is possible. Lots of us on here struggle with that daily. Just get started on here, find out how many calories you can have a day and lose weight, exercise when you can, and take it one day at a time. Best of luck to you!
  • tephanies1234
    tephanies1234 Posts: 299 Member
    Sounds like there's only 2 things you can control or at least make better? Your health and your relationship with your husband. Have you confronted him about this other woman? Maybe you should eventually do that...there may not even be anything there like you think. Been in this situation before and it can become consuming on your mind if you never "have a discussion" with him. Your girls seem old enough to stay at home alone, maybe take him on one of your walks and have a "talk". If you can get it all worked out eventually, you may be able to focus more on your own health and stop the need for binging.
    I'm not a therapist, so take it with a grain of salt.
  • KrunchyMama
    KrunchyMama Posts: 420 Member
    *hugs* I also think that a therapist is a great idea. I found that methylcobalamin really helped with my anxiety, maybe talk to your doctor to see if it could help you? If you could start by changing one habit at a time, I think that would really help too. Maybe start by going for a walk with the puppy after work? Bring hubby and the girls too for some really great family bonding time, or leave the girls at home (where I live, 12 years old is old enough to babysit other kids). I can understand how hard it must be to visit your mom, maybe start visiting her every other week? She loves you very much, and wants you to be happy, so I'm sure she would understand. Or make a point of going to bed when everyone else goes to bed? You need to be able to trust your husband too, maybe marital counselling will help? Although imo, if you are able to start working on yourself, you might realize that this issue has more to do with your own insecurity than anything else. Are you able to quit your job to work on you for a bit? I know a lot of people think this is impossible, but as someone who is doing just that I know that it *sometimes* can be done. Me staying home involved selling our second vehicle, and getting our grocery budget down to $50-100/week for our family of 4, but it can be done. The money we've lost in income has been barely noticeable, in fact we are actually better able to pay off our debts now because I'm not spending all that extra money on a vehicle payment, gas, junk food, groceries that we don't end up eating, haircuts, vehicle insurance, etc. Try to figure out a way to relieve some of the stress in your life, and start doing more things that will make you happy (besides eating and drinking). Make yourself a priority, you deserve it!
  • Lucy_6678
    Lucy_6678 Posts: 63 Member
    Thank you everyone who took time to read this and post a reply. I appreciate it all- even the picture of the hug :)

    I am sure a therapist would help. I am putting off doing this until the end of the school year. I am off all summer and will have more time. Between the girls' activities, dog classes, and my mom there's not much time left for therapy! The dog classes actually are a great stress reliever for me, I don't want to give that up.

    I rode my exercise bike 2 days in a row. I'm debating to do it again tonight. As for my husband, I'm not touching that topic until his jaw is UN-wired. I know I talk to my girlfriends about him sometimes. Maybe that is what he is doing- bitching about me, then deleting the texts.

    Thank you all so so so much! It does feel good to get everything off my chest!



  • Catlover771
    Catlover771 Posts: 65
    Lucy, I have to add my 'two cents' in here and say that it sounds like your nightly binges are.... "LUCY TIME"!

    Know why? Because you aren't giving yourself enough time FOR YOU the rest of the time!

    It sounds like you do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE...your mother, your husband, your kids, your job....you are frazzled, stressed out, and worrying yourself to death.

    STOP. Think about what you're doing. YOU are in charge of your life. And YOU can 'carve out' YOU time. You CAN assert yourself....with EVERYONE in your life...to get the time and space you NEED. And I'm not talking about anything big here, just little snatches of time...to sit and have a cup of herb tea, to make friends here (?)....to talk with a friend, to chill out maybe in a hot bath, to read a good book or just veg out with a computer game. Whatever floats your boat, you know?

    EXERCISE would be great for you, too...it's a natural anti-depressant because it raises the endorphin levels in your system. It's STRESS RELIEF, bigtime, for me. I joined a gym and I've never looked back...I LOVE it. I make SURE I pay for it (out of our tax refund every year, I pay annually LOL)....and therefore I know I can go...it's 'just for me'. I made friends, take classes, and have learned to challenge myself. I never in a million years thought I could do what I do now...SPINNING classes (!), Pilates, Weight lifting, treadmill, you name it....all because my friends encouraged me and I TRIED it.

    I also got WAY more assertive with my mother and my husband. I had to tell them NO sometimes.

    We do everything for everyone...and we leave OURSELVES out! I can see that's what's happening with YOU.

    Losing weight will help you, too....it will increase your confidence and make you realize that YOU CAN DO IT. I'm on a diet program that I highly recommend. I also have a list of books that may help you...specifically on binge eating, ways to handle that inner 'urge' inside telling you to just EAT and forget about everything. You're attempting to make yourself FEEL BETTER....but what happens is, you HATE yourself even WORSE afterwards.

    Believe me, I'VE BEEN THERE. Two or three years ago I could've WRITTEN your post!

    Please send me a message....I'll share my email address with you and more info to hopefully help you. I want to help. I really do.

    HUGS

    Linda
    alias Catlover771
  • TheFinestRunner
    TheFinestRunner Posts: 7 Member
    Lucy - Hang in there! I agree with Catlover771 - you need to take some "Lucy" time for yourself during the day. Take one day at a time, be positive, and take care of yourself! The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself - you will feel much better in the end! Here's a saying I fall back on once in a while "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

    Also, great job on the bike! Keep it up! I think exercise is key component to feeling great, plus you'll lose the weight faster.

  • stacyd1030
    stacyd1030 Posts: 3 Member
    Yes agreed! You need LUCY TIME! You just need to find something to replace your bad habits with good for you habits. Baby steps tho. Exercise is so great for stress and it helps me take out my anger so I'm not walking around with that. I have started setting a timer in my phone that goes off everyday and for a half n hour I exercise. I set it for a time that I know dinner and clean up is over and things are settled a bit in the house. My hubby knows that's my time and he takes over the kids and I have really started to look forward to that time. But emotionally you need to get in a good place. Having suspicions will take over your life and cause you to feel so out of control. Take everything 1 day at a time. Trust your judgement tho. And don't beat yourself up! You are doing a great thing by reaching out to people. Good luck!
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