How weightlifting and gaining weight changed my life

My story is far from over, but I feel like I'm at a point where I'm on the right path and I know how to stay the course. This is a long story, but I'll try and condense it as much as possible. I'm a 30 year old female, 5'4". 10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other various mental health conditions. Throughout those 10 years I tried all the various meds- SSRI's, benzos, stimulants. None of them really helped much, because I continued to have extreme fatigue, racing thoughts, etc. In Fall 2011 I tried the stimulant Vyvanse and that one seemed to help the most. And it had the added benefit/side effect of suppressing appetite and raising metabolism a bit. But for me that wasn't good because I didn't need to lose weight. But I'm ashamed to say that I wanted to lose more weight or at least be thinner.

In July 2012 I had a DEXA scan done just for fun. I was 97 lbs with body fat at 28%. My bone density was in the questionable range (I guess at my age definitive conclusions about osteoporosis are hard to predict based on the DEXA). I had no idea what a good BF% was supposed to be. I quickly found out that I was skinny fat. Which wasn't surprising, because I had spent many, many years eating very little calories, very little protein, and doing little exercise- and when I did exercise it was just cardio. At the time I thought it was great- I could take the Vyvanse (and before that it was Strattera) and not be hungry, eat junk food, and lose weight. It was great! So I thought. But I was basically just wasting away my muscle mass.

So in July 2012 I decided to get serious and start a strength training program. It was extremely difficult since I was so weak and I have scoliosis. But I kept at it. But I felt like my progress was really slow. My calories were around 1700 which I thought was enough, but it really wasn't. It wasn't until I started bulking in January 2014 that I started to see real progress in terms of building muscle. I had also started a heavy weightlifting barbell program in May 2013 (I've been doing Mike Matthews's Thinner, Leaner, Stronger program since that time). So I did the bulk and got up to 110 lbs by June 2014. My calories at the end were up to 2300. But my body fat % was getting a bit high, so I did a recomp and then cut which ended in Sept 2014. Then in November I started bulk #2, and my plan is to keep bulking for the rest of the year. It's a slow bulk, so I'm gaining about a pound per month. Calories are at 1900, and need to be raised again soon since my gains are tapering off. Currently I'm 108 lbs., and I'm guestimating body fat to be somewhere around 17%.

In October 2014 I decided to taper off the Vyvanse, because it just felt like the right thing to do. I'm not saying psychiatric meds are bad, but for me at that point in time, it was the best thing to do. The Vyvanse had helped give me the energy to get out of bed and start weightlifting in the first place, so I'm thankful for that. But I felt like it had run its course and I could rely on nutrition and weightlifting to get me through. So I've been off all meds since November 2014. But then in December, I was diagnosed with what appears to be Lupus. So maybe all the fatigue I've had over the years has been due to an autoimmune condition and not a psychiatric condition? Difficult to say for sure. But one thing I can say for sure is that I'm so thankful I started weightlifting when I did, because now it's become habitual and I feel confident that I can stay the course even on days when I'm completely fatigued.

My hope is that my story will inspire others (mainly women who eat too little, feel trapped in cardio hell or never-ending starvation diets). I've done all the crazy diets over the years. I used to exercise so I could eat and stay skinny, but now I eat so I can fuel my workouts and get stronger and stronger. Building yourself up from a place of being skinny fat takes a lot of time, patience, and dedication. You have to trust the path and stay the course. As a woman, it is definitely difficult sometimes to be ok with gaining weight (from a mental/emotional standpoint). In the beginning I thought I would gain muscle magically. But I found out it took a conscious effort to make the scale go up. A conscious effort of eating enough and lifting heavy. It's taken me a long time to build myself up, because I was basically starting from being a bare bones skeleton. But I think I've accomplished a lot, and my success goes way beyond aesthetics (although I do think I look a lot better with more meat on my bones). I have a completely different mindset and I have much more confidence and self-esteem. I feel like I can tackle any problem or challenge that comes my way. In the past, having received a diagnosis like lupus would have caused me to fall apart. Now, I'm like "ok, one day at a time, and I'm just going to try and do the best I can each day." Not be perfect, but just the best I can be at that point in time. Sometimes that means I have to slow down and rest, and I'm ok with that. It's about accepting our limitations, but not letting our limitations define us, and finding creative solutions to work around the limitations. For me, one of those creative solutions has been weightlifting. Currently I’m only doing 30 min of cardio once a week. All the cardio I used to do in the past just left me feeling weak and fatigued. I used to dread my weightlifting workouts at first, but now I absolutely love them- they're one of the best parts of my day, because I love making progress and getting stronger. Finding out what ignites your passion and is best for YOUR body is so important.

Also, I strongly believe in the power of failure and habit. Weightlifting was extremely difficult for me at first and after many failed attempts at proper form, effective program, and other failures, I finally dialed in the best program for me. Same thing with nutrition, calories, and macros- took many failed attempts before I figured out what was best for my body. And these things are still works in progress as I figure out more and more about what’s best for me. Also the power of habit- starting something new is challenging at first for many reasons. One of those challenges is being able to sustain something over the long haul. Weightlifting and counting cals and macros was tedious at first, but now I’ve got this momentum that makes those things feel like second nature.