Problems with my mom... help?
My mom and dad got divorced a little less than 3 years ago. My parents moved me into school, said goodbye, and the day they got home my mom left. All of this without telling me. I found out my parents were getting divorced (not even separated) from my grandmother at thanksgiving... yeah, 5 months later after she moved out. Anyways, my mom and I haven't had a good relationship since then. Since I was about 10 years old she cheated on my dad with 4+ people. The last guy she was cheating on dad with, she now lives with him and they want to get married.
When my parents got divorced my dad had to give her a lot of money. She chose to buy a huge new house, go on a few vacations, etc with her boyfriend... and she paid for all of it with the money my dad had to give her. Meanwhile, I'm in college which is $20,000 plus extra stuff like a weekly allowance to live on and buy food with or for emergencies. My dad has paid that $20,000 tuition straight from his bank account for the past 3 years and my mom has sent me a total of about $50 in 3 years time. When I ask her for some money, which has literally been 3 times in 3 years, she says she is “broke.” I understand that she doesn't HAVE to help me, she doesn't HAVE to send me money because I'm a big girl and I do have a part-time job, but it could have been something thoughtless from her considering my dad pays for everything for me. It would have been a nice gesture.
Meanwhile, she calls me selfish and complains that I never visit her. She lives 9 hours away with her boyfriend whom I don't like. She doesn't understand why I don't accept him... um, duh? I work a part-time job and am a full-time student and she doesn't understand why I don't have time to visit her? She hasn't worked for 3 years because my dad's money is still taking care of her AND her boyfriend. My sister even sides with my mom and thinks I'm a brat.
The whole thing kind of escalated on mother's day. I didn't call my mom because, well, she hasn't really acted like a mom to me for 3 years. I kind of want to cut ties with her but that seems impossible. My sister always says, "well, she IS your mom." I'm the type of person that, I don't care if someone is blood... if they don't treat me right, they don't need to be in my life. My mom goes on like nothing is wrong and just makes it out like I'm a bad, selfish daughter. She is an alcoholic, so she will call and text me when she's drunk and crying, and she will yell at me and/or make me feel bad.
I will never forget her sneaking around at night trying to hide bottles and getting drunk in our garage or basement. I'll never forget how I heard her on the phone with her current boyfriend, while she was cheating on my dad, saying "I hate my life here. I just want to leave." I'll never forget her walking outside in the middle of the night and not coming back until the morning because she was with that boyfriend. I'll never forget the night my dad had to call the police on her because she was drunk and screaming at him, although I pretended like I slept through it. I'll never forget her screaming at my dad: "Would you rather me drink or cut/kill myself?" I'll never forget how many times I went to sleep crying, pretending like I was fine.
It tears me up inside, I think about our relationship every day and what she did to my dad and how she selfishly tore my family apart. I am also bi-polar and suffer from depression and it's really hard to deal with all this drama, and I feel like more is building up.
Advice anyone? Or anyone been through a similar situation? It's very hard to deal with, to the point of where I'm in tears multiple times a day, and I'm considering counseling.
When my parents got divorced my dad had to give her a lot of money. She chose to buy a huge new house, go on a few vacations, etc with her boyfriend... and she paid for all of it with the money my dad had to give her. Meanwhile, I'm in college which is $20,000 plus extra stuff like a weekly allowance to live on and buy food with or for emergencies. My dad has paid that $20,000 tuition straight from his bank account for the past 3 years and my mom has sent me a total of about $50 in 3 years time. When I ask her for some money, which has literally been 3 times in 3 years, she says she is “broke.” I understand that she doesn't HAVE to help me, she doesn't HAVE to send me money because I'm a big girl and I do have a part-time job, but it could have been something thoughtless from her considering my dad pays for everything for me. It would have been a nice gesture.
Meanwhile, she calls me selfish and complains that I never visit her. She lives 9 hours away with her boyfriend whom I don't like. She doesn't understand why I don't accept him... um, duh? I work a part-time job and am a full-time student and she doesn't understand why I don't have time to visit her? She hasn't worked for 3 years because my dad's money is still taking care of her AND her boyfriend. My sister even sides with my mom and thinks I'm a brat.
The whole thing kind of escalated on mother's day. I didn't call my mom because, well, she hasn't really acted like a mom to me for 3 years. I kind of want to cut ties with her but that seems impossible. My sister always says, "well, she IS your mom." I'm the type of person that, I don't care if someone is blood... if they don't treat me right, they don't need to be in my life. My mom goes on like nothing is wrong and just makes it out like I'm a bad, selfish daughter. She is an alcoholic, so she will call and text me when she's drunk and crying, and she will yell at me and/or make me feel bad.
I will never forget her sneaking around at night trying to hide bottles and getting drunk in our garage or basement. I'll never forget how I heard her on the phone with her current boyfriend, while she was cheating on my dad, saying "I hate my life here. I just want to leave." I'll never forget her walking outside in the middle of the night and not coming back until the morning because she was with that boyfriend. I'll never forget the night my dad had to call the police on her because she was drunk and screaming at him, although I pretended like I slept through it. I'll never forget her screaming at my dad: "Would you rather me drink or cut/kill myself?" I'll never forget how many times I went to sleep crying, pretending like I was fine.
It tears me up inside, I think about our relationship every day and what she did to my dad and how she selfishly tore my family apart. I am also bi-polar and suffer from depression and it's really hard to deal with all this drama, and I feel like more is building up.
Advice anyone? Or anyone been through a similar situation? It's very hard to deal with, to the point of where I'm in tears multiple times a day, and I'm considering counseling.
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Replies
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If it makes you feel any better, I didn't call my mom on mother's day either. As for the rest, I don't know what to tell ya.0
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I think you might want to talk to a professional about how you're feeling. I'm NOT saying you're crazy, but talking to someone who can really help you through these emotionally hard situations can be a lifesaver.. Trust me!!0
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I think you might want to talk to a professional about how you're feeling. I'm NOT saying you're crazy, but talking to someone who can really help you through these emotionally hard situations can be a lifesaver.. Trust me!!
She's right. There are probably counselors at school who you could see for free or little charge. Good luck!0 -
I'm considering counseling.
I think that would be a really good idea. I'm not a professional but I think you have to sit down a deal with these issues with your Mom. She's obviously done a lot of things to hurt you in the past and I don't blame you for resenting her now, but I also don't think it's healthy for you to hold on to all of that anger. I really thinking talking to someone would help.0 -
And by the way... just because she's your Blood, doesn't mean you owe her a damn thing. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.. but, if someone treats you badly, and you can't trust them.. and they've hurt you time and time again.. you don't have to do anything "just because they're related, etc."
That's a bull**** thing people say and I can't stand it.
If someone does you wrong... you DON'T have to take it.
I think you're very brave to put yourself out there like this and ask for help. I wish you all the best. Keep your head up doll.0 -
It sounds like a toxic relationship. Sometimes, even though it hurts, you have to let someone go. At least until you get your head and heart to the point you can handle her. Also, you have bi-polar disease which can be hard to manage as it is. Its possible your mom does too. Alcoholism often accompanies it. If you want to one day have healthy relationships with other people including a SO, you have to come to terms with your mom. My mother was sexually abused by her father and he beat her mother. She had to cut to ties with him for her sanity and for her children. Yes, it hurt her and she did have guilt, but after counseling she was able to come to peace with things.
I hope for your sake, you find a solution that can make you happy. Prayers and blessings your way!0 -
You obviously have a lot going on and you sure got a lot of it off your chest in this post. I hope, at least, that it made you feel a bit better to let some of it out.
I'd definitely suggest talking to a professional. You have some things to work out and usually talking with someone completely objective helps. I truly wish you the best.0 -
Sweetie, I know you are hurting, but sometimes you have to accept people, it doesn't mean you are actually condoning the behaviour, but accepting without judgement.
By forgiving her you are giving yourself a gift, a gift of peace and love. I have had a lot a crap thrown my way in life, and to start to heal you need to move forward, lets fact it you are not going to erase or resolve any of that stuff, but you can decide to not let it poison your life from here on in.
*hugs* and hope you find some way through.
GG0 -
Just because she is you're mother doesn't mean you have to accept the way she chooses to live it also doesn't mean you have to be part of it but unfortunately you do deal with it because you're dad still give a lot to her. Be happy you have a dad that is going to stand by you and help you get to where you want to go in life. Be careful with everything you know about her cheating history. I'm not saying all but most children who grow up watching one parent cheat on the other tend to not trust their future significant other. I wish you the best.0
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I agree with this. I don't think you need to or should hold onto the anger or hurt. But I do feel there is a point where you have to recognize that someone is not good for you and let them go. I personally do not have a relationship with my mother. I tried many times over the years to cut her out and have finally been pretty successful. She now contacts me maybe once a year. She is exaclty the same, so it's like a good reminder of why I don't want her in my life in the first place. But the thing is, that people don't seem to often get, is that I don't have anger or resentment towards her, I just feel comletely indifferent. She is like a stranger to me and what she does or did to me in the past no longer has an impact on me anymore.And by the way... just because she's your Blood, doesn't mean you owe her a damn thing. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.. but, if someone treats you badly, and you can't trust them.. and they've hurt you time and time again.. you don't have to do anything "just because they're related, etc."
That's a bull**** thing people say and I can't stand it.
If someone does you wrong... you DON'T have to take it.
I think you're very brave to put yourself out there like this and ask for help. I wish you all the best. Keep your head up doll.
I do think that going to counseling is a great idea. I myself have been to a few counselors over the years and think it has helped me to accept that things are the way things are and that's okay. I don't have to explain myself to anyone, and no one but me can ever understand what I went through because of my mother. I think you would greatly benefit from talking out your feelings with a professional. They probably even have people available at your school that can help you. Your situation is a little harder than mine, because you have a sister, so that probably makes it tougher to cut ties or let the guilt go.0 -
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your mom. That has got to be so tough.
I have a lot of family members I don't speak to including both of my grandmothers and many aunt and uncles. I chose to not have a relationship with them because they were unable to equally communicate or be available to me. I see nothing wrong with you standing up for yourself, I admire it actually!
I definitely would suggest seeing a counselor, if you're not already. I see one and it is always nice to have an advocate who can listen and help you sort through this to empower yourself and move forward.
Again, standing up for yourself is really great, keep it up
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I'm the type of person that, I don't care if someone is blood... if they don't treat me right, they don't need to be in my life.
^^^That. Be healthy. :flowerforyou:0 -
Unfortunately, I have been through everything you are currently dealing with. Keep your head up and I'll send you a personal message.0
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I am sorry for the hardships you've gone through with your mom. If you're not ready to cut her out (the pain you're obviously in tells me you shouldn't make that decision), maybe having appointment phone calls with her would be good for both of you. Creating a structured relationship. Like Thursdays, 7 pm for 15 minutes. If she calls you outside of this time, ignore it.
I've been through infidelity, and while I don't understand it I have come to acknowledge that it happens. A LOT. I am ok now, it no longer holds power over me or makes me angry. I think above other things it was wrong of your parents to let you see these issues. It's really not your business (I say this protectively of you) what made their relationship fall apart. They should have done better. Our kids ask us IF we fight. We don't let them be involved. It's 100% our relationship. They get parent-child relationships that are separate from our couplehood.
Sometimes it was tempting for me to smear partners for cheating on me, to go to work and say "that SOB..." but I had to take a breath. What a person does to me does not affect what they do to others. If they're able to go on to happy healthy relationships, I don't need to be bitter. Clearly we were not meant for each other.
I know that I dont know anything about your mom, you, her boyfriend etc. But if you want to end your relationship with her please take stock of just that- YOUR relationship with her. Not her treatment of your father, not her boyfriend, not the fights you overheard (I once went to check on my brother and sister when my parents were having one of those blow-off-the-roof fights to find them weeping tearfully in their beds, I just sat and held their hands). My step dad did terrible things (prostitutes, cocaine) but at the end of the day it is how he treated me that determined how I responded to him over time. He and I are not close, but I don't hate him or insult him etc. What he did to my mother was disgusting, but he's human. He loves his kids, even I he did break their family apart with his actions. They all have a good relationship with him.
And I don't know the laws in your state, but if your mom remarries she shouldn't likely be able to take anything else from you dad if she's collecting alimony. So if she is, that'd be one reason to support the union- the man whose likely mooching off your mom whos mooching off of your dad will have to support them both (some men stupidly think they can marry a woman and live off of her alimony).0 -
be nice. not for her but for your dad. he obviously put up with a lot for you to have both parents. and he knows without a doubt that you are in his corner. besides that will through her off.0
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I wish that your mum was who you want her to be.....some people just cant fulfil that obligation though, and as a mum myself I cant imagine how you could treat your kids the way your mum is treating you.
I agree with seeking out some counselling. You cant change anyone's behaviour but your own - this took me SO many years to learn.
You cant change your mums behaviour, but you can change your reactions to it.
I hope you find a solution that works for you.
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I have actually been through a lot of what you have stated. Firstly, i want to say, yes you should see a counselor, talking to someone who doesn't know you or anything about you can help and not be judged at all. I am now 25 and my parents spilt when i was about 12. I heard nearly ALL of their arguments and it really hurt me and made me upset, they didn't realise how much i actually heard. They didn't get married for love-my mum got pregnant with me to trap my dad and he did the "right" thing by marrying her, sometimes i think they must have been happy sometimes as they gave me a brother.
I believe my mum cheated on my dad on numerous occasions but when she thought he had cheated on her she threw him out!! he gave her the house and paid ALL her bills and wouldn't let me speak to my dad. i was once left in the house with one of her "boyfriends" and i got so scared i locked my self in my room!!
My dad found out and went mad, i got so upset and i asked to live with him and he said yes and that my brother would have to come with me too and i might have to go to court. I never had to go to court - she never fought for us. For me that was the end of EVERYTHING! i had enough!!
I spoke to her occasionally but my brother being 2 years younger than me didn't really understand and he hated me for so many years because i refused to speak to her or have a relationship with her. Eventually my dad found someone else and she had a daughter who was 8 (now 21!) and we all get on really well. over the years we all moved in together and they got married and i call her mum - as far as i'm concerned she is my mum and has been there for me always! She made us sit down and talk about everything and my brother now forgives me and slowly realised i was right about everything and started seeing our mum in a different light and he has a limited relationship with her now. (i think only as she has another son who is now 5 - she did what she did to my dad to antoher guy!!)
As soon as me and my brother moved out of our home to live with our dad, he disn't need to pay her anything else, but to be nice he said have the house and everything in it. She sold the house and went on a 2 month cruise!! didn't think of me and my bro!
I tell you this because i got through it, and you can too!! believe in yourself and talk to your dad. write a letter to your sister, you don't have to send it but writing it down can get it out of you, so can smile again. Take this as a lesson and learn from it, you know how NOT to treat people from your mum and TO treat people from your dad. Treat people and (when you have a boyfriend/husband) how you would like to be treated.
Good luck and i wish you all the best - if you need any advice or want to vent - message me! xxx0 -
I'm considering counseling.
I think that would be a really good idea. I'm not a professional but I think you have to sit down a deal with these issues with your Mom. She's obviously done a lot of things to hurt you in the past and I don't blame you for resenting her now, but I also don't think it's healthy for you to hold on to all of that anger. I really thinking talking to someone would help.
You definitely need some outside help here, especially as you are bi-polar too. What an awful 3 years you've had....and through no fault of your own. Counsellors would have heard stories similar to yours before.....good luck :flowerforyou:
Sue x 0 -
For some reason, you *seem* to feel guilty about setting boundaries with your sister and mom to protect yourself. You have the right to protect yourself. You could tell your sister you aren't talking about it and if she persists, walk away from it... or tell your mom she's welcome to come around (if she is) when she's able to be sober and kind. These are just suggestions. Don't hesitate to see a counselor - everyone endures emotional struggles.0
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I had a toxic relationship with my mother (she was a cheater on my dad, verbally abusive to me, etc, etc). I cut her out of my life 15 years ago and haven't looked back, my sister did the same. She is the one now missing out on 4 beautiful grandchildren as well as our lives. This decision was made after counselling and trying, but in the end it was the right decision for me. I agree you should do counselling first to see if anything can be resolved, but if you have to take drastic steps be confident in your decision to do so, it will all work out in the end. Wishing you the best!0
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I'm considering counseling.
I think that would be a really good idea. I'm not a professional but I think you have to sit down a deal with these issues with your Mom. She's obviously done a lot of things to hurt you in the past and I don't blame you for resenting her now, but I also don't think it's healthy for you to hold on to all of that anger. I really thinking talking to someone would help.
This.
I went thru something similar with my father and 30 years later I still have 'issues'. Councelling just isn't easily available in the UK, but if I had the chance I would jump at it.
Oh! And I have had no contact with him for 30 years. Just because they are your parents does not give them rights if they dont act like parents. Abuse is abuse whatever the form it comes in.
I hope you get this sorted out.
Hugs0
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