Non-supportive spouse.

nirsky · May 2011

Hello All,

I am not sure how deep the support group her should be, but here we go.

What do you do when your spouse does not support your life drastic change, and get annoyed when you are working out 6 day a week, even when you do it after 8:00pm after you cover all your choirs like dishes, folding laundry, reading a bedtime story to the little one.

I try to push her to work out, and I %1000 support her when she want to go to the gym.
I started to work out at home (got some weight and a bench in the garage) so she will be able to go to the gym while I am home if the little one wakes up.

What do I do?
She doesn’t like me watching my calories, or logging it on my phone.
She gives me a wired look, when I scale myself every morning.
I stopped running on Sun my long runs 2-3 hours, just to be more at home, but that sucks!
What do I do?

lynnmarie60 · May 2011

I would find out what the root of the problem is; maybe it's not your working out that is bothering her but why you are doing it. I don't know but I know you have to sit her down and speak from her heart and ask her how can you make her feel more comfortable with you wanting to be fit and healthy because you also want to make her happy along with yourself as well.

nehtaeh · May 2011

What lynn said - you need to talk to her about it. She may not even know why she acts that way, but if you ask her and talk to her, she can evaluate it. Maybe she doesn't even realize she isn't being supportive. Maybe she's feeling insecure about herself or not understanding your reasons for what you are doing.

mjemerson · May 2011

Is it the time away that she resents? If so could you guys work out together? I know it is harder to do that with kids.

I had this problem with my husband...in that I am a stay at home mom and he was always away at the gym and leaving me here alone with the kids on the weekends/evenings when I wanted to spend time with him. I know it sounds horrible. I have since learned to get over myself and no longer make him feel guilty about it.

Doing workout at home I think is good. Unfortunately it sounds like you have done everything in your power and then some with some big sacrifices. If she still can't be happy for you then you guys might want to have a sit down and have a serious talk. Do you think it is jealousy?

hamiltonba · May 2011

Does she need to lose weight? She may be resentful because she knows she should be exercising and taking care of herself as well and isn't doing it. She might be jealous and scared that you are losing....

breezymom81 · May 2011

Talk to her, she may feel insecure. While I know you are trying to help by making sure she can go to gym, in her mind you are likely saying that you are unhappy with her body! We are crazy and very sensitive about our bodies! Explain to her that you have tried to work out your schedule to exercise around the family life but you need this to be the best husband and father. I have a hard time with working out, I get up at 5 am and can't do late night work outs, that means that I have to take away from my home, but after a month I am realizing I need it, and that is OK.

Let her know you don't expect her to participate in this you NEED her support, in time she will get in to(probably) My husband is slowly coming around to join me in this, and he laughs when I spend so much time logging my food but realizes how much more relaxed I have been!

Becca_007 · May 2011

First thing that comes to mind right off the bat is Quit pushing her!! That approach never works in a positive way.

If she's interested, she needs to get to that place where she decides for herself. Pushing someone to do something can make them feel inadequate, like you think less of them.

The very best thing you can do is continue taking good care of yourself and not putting it in her face (not saying that you, just something to keep in mind) and be an example. On the boards that's how we all learn from one another, seeing others set higher goals helps us to try it out as well. Same with new foods, someone on here may share a new recipe and we learn to try new things out & enjoy it. But if someone told me I HAD to eat it...well I'd think they were annoying and definitely blow them off.:noway:

Your post is fine, there are many many others that deal with this same situation with their spouse, parents, friends etc.

Wishing you well:drinker:

ETA: fixed some spelling:blushing:

clintbritt3 · May 2011

HI.... just speaking from a women's point of view, she might feel intimidated with you loosing weight because it might attract attention from other females..... It's hard for women to feel confident anyways and she might be wondering why you are so into the whole working out thing anyways and why you devote so much time to it when your family needs you to. Just talk to her talking does wonders. You need to just adjust your priorities, women need to feel important because we get insecure very fast if we feel threatened. Good luck

dlaplume2 · May 2011

It doesn't sound like there is much you can do. For what ever reason she is resentful and unless you ask her and she can tell you, then there isn't much you can do.

Does she work out normally? I ask this because if she doesn't, maybe it is the resentment of you making changes she doesn't want to make for herself. If that is the case just don't ask her or make comments about her working out.

jizenna · May 2011

My husband was annoyed with me at first also, I think I was obsessed with this app on my phone lol!! I had to learn how to let it go on the weekends, or at least one day a weekend, that might help??

DonnaLFitz · May 2011

She fears you will succeed where she cannot. It's much easier to bring you down than to hoist herself up to the same standard.

You gotta do what you gotta do. It sounds like you are being very considerate of the family, for which you get an A+ in my book. If talking to her about it does nothing but degenerate into tears and recriminations, take some time for yourself and decide what you have to do for yourself. Draw your line.

Every time she remarks, simply remind her to stay on her side of the line. No emotions. No fanfare.

krystleRD · May 2011

Nirsky, It sounds like shes jealous and scared at the same time.. Shes afraid that you will start changing your weight, your state of mind , and in her mind shes thinking you will leave her. Shes afraid of change. You need to set down, just the two of you and explain to her that your doing this in the long run, to be here for her and the little ones. let her know that your feelings havent changed , tell her how much you love her and care for her. and tell her when shes ready to or willing to give it a try by working out you will help her in every step of the way..

If that doesnt work ask her, what would you like me to do? what can i do to make you comfortable with this change? Behonest with one another and it will work out..

Best of luck to you and your fspouse

skittybang · May 2011

A while back my husband started trying to eat healthier and would talk about nothing but calories. I have always eaten healthy but he was taking what little he knew and treated as law. My husband is already a fit guy and he started dropping so much weight. I have such a hard time with it I did become pretty taken aback about his approach. My argument was that he wasn't doing it the right way, but truthfully i was just jealous it came so easy for him.

MrBrown72 · May 2011

I have an Ex-wife that's like that...
You've made a choice to better yourself, her job as a spouse is to support you or at least get out of the way. Chances are she is either jealous of your time or your progress. Perhaps she thinks your trying to impress some hottie at the office or gym? Maybe you should talk it over, in depth. Try asking the real questions. Why are you trying to hold me back, keep me from getting healthier, live longer? Why are you insulting my willingness to at least try? I've always found the best way to argue is to use their tactics. "what you are doing is hurting me. Why are you trying to hurt me?" works like a charm.

Either way you need to go forward bettering yourself. As long as you are not pushing her to do it as well there should be no reason for her to try to block you. You may need to just make it clear. "I'm moving forward, either get behind me or get the hell out of the way." in of course the nicest way possible.

miriamtorason · May 2011

I've done this. I hate to say it, but I have. My DH wants to play games, though, rather than work out.

In our case, it was that I stay home with our son all day, every day. I put him first all the time. I clean up after him, I make meals, I try to keep track of everything that needs to be done. Then DH comes home for the day, and he wants to play games. Yes, he's worked all day, but so have I. I deserve a break as much as he does. And, for even more fun, he wanted to do his thing, and he would sacrifice things around the house to do it (if I left the house to go for a jog, run to the store, whatever, I could come back and be guaranteed that the baby would still be in the same diaper he was when I left, even if I was gone for several hours).

My first inclination is to ask if all of her NEEDS are being met before we get into who wants what. It's very difficult to not resent your spouse if your needs aren't being met, regardless of how or why. If she is too busy to get a shower in on a given day, why on EARTH would she want to go to the gym? There's no time! In addition, she's probably seeing your 1000x supportive as a reinforcement that you don't think she's attractive anymore. After all, if you did, you wouldn't push her to go to the gym all the time. o.o;;

My advice (for whatever it's worth) is to STOP EVERYTHING. Don't make a point of announcing your weight loss strategies, and instead stop and talk to her. Ask her what's wrong, tell her how you feel. Really LISTEN to each other. With any amount of luck, the root cause of the issue will come up and you both can work from there.

Tic_Tac_Toe · May 2011

Does she go through spurts where she worksout & eats healthier too? My husband started doing the same thing... workingout, eating healthier, and weighing himself. I am usually the workout fanatic in our house so it took me by surprise. I was kind of in the dumps & feeling insecure so I wasn't as supportive to him. Then one day he told me that he would love me no matter what... whatever I ate or if I didn't workout but he wished we could do it as a team. It woke me up! Now, we've both been pumping it out and even go the gym together. Talk to her!

rhondaredhead · May 2011

I'm not your wife, so I can't say for sure (yes—talking to her might be best), but I can tell you how I used to feel when my husband would get on a weight-loss/exercising kick: pressured. Pressured to lose weight myself (even if I wasn't "ready" to, mentally), pressure to cook the "right" way (for him, low-calorie without regard to other nutrition aspects)—all around pressure to be better, look better, eat better, etc. He was always supportive of me, but I couldn't help feeling the pressure or insecurity. I was insecure because of my own weight-gain since we had met, and if I tried to lose along with him, I'd get discouraged because I couldn't keep up: he lost weight faster than me, ate less than me, did more away-from-home social and physical activities than me, and left me feeling jealous. When I finally decided to make a life-change—better diet (okay, most of the time) and more exercise—it was for me, not him, and left me feeling better about myself.

Reading this may not help at all, because I don't have any solutions for you other than to show your wife that she's what's important to you and let her go at her own pace when it comes to health and exercise. (Well, maybe you could do some of the cooking—and make sure it's not bland diet food!) Just thought that having this perspective might help you better understand what your wife might be feeling. (If, that is, she's anything like me.)

flyawaybyebye · May 2011

@Donna, you are clearly *not* married! Telling your spouse that you've drawn a line, and emotionlessly telling her to stay on "her side of the line" is not the way to have a healthy and happy marriage! Wow! I think that may be the most shocking advice I've ever read on MFP!

@Nirsky, my hubby has always been very into exercising. It takes a *lot* of time, and there were times in our marriage when I resented all the time away - especially when our child was little. I felt like I never saw him, because he was always working, playing with our daughter, doing chores or working out. Although he got the stuff done I wanted him to get done, he didn't spend his "fun" time with me - he spent it exercising. Maybe you could plan a regular date night (if you don't already have one) and spend that time really focused on her? (No cell phones, no logging in to MFP, no talking about exercise, etc.?) For me, my irritation with my husband exercising had nothing to do with a fear that he'd get in really great shape and leave me. He was in great shape already, for one thing, and for another, I wouldn't have married him if I thought he was the kind of guy who would leave me. I've never had a moment's fear about that. For me, it was about the fact that I spent allllll day with a small child, getting no real time to talk to or relate to another adult, and I wanted my husband to want to spend time with *me*, not spend it on the jogging trails. The date night thing really helped us. I bet some intentional time spent with her (it doesn't have to be allllll your time, it just has to be focused, intentional time) will go a long way to making it easier for her when you spend other free time on your exercise.

If she's not motivated on her own to start exercising, no amount of support or encouragement from you will change that - TRUST ME. When my hubby suggested things that even *hinted* at the idea that he thought I should exercise, I felt like he was saying I wasn't good enough for him, and that made me that much LESS interested in ever doing any exercise, at all. It took me coming to the conclusion that I wanted it for myself to get me started dieting/exercising, and the success I've had with it is because I was motivated to do it for my own health, not because my husband wanted me to. Knowing he loved me and wanted to spend time with me regardless of whether or not I ever exercised again made it easier for me to make the decision to exercise for myself. While I think you could possibly do a walk together or something like that for your date night, I wouldn't start out with that. I'd start out with something *she* loves to do, and after you've given it a few months of doing things you know she loves, I'd bet she'll trust that the date nights are about spending fun time together, not about some hidden agenda to get her to exercise, and she'd be open to the idea of a casual stroll in the moonlight or something... and voila, you are exercising together!

Good luck, and best wishes! Your marriage is vitally important to your family and to your own health - please don't risk it for the sake of a little extra exercise. Find a compromise with time that gets your wife's needs met and allows you to get your exercise as well.

Bridgidm2000 · May 2011

I know how you feel. My guy is totally against me losing weight. I keep trying to talk to him and he would say I love you the way you are...however, one day the truth came out. He was afraid I would leave him. I assured him I was not going anywhere. He keeps saying he needs to lose too but has not taken any steps to start. I offer him advise and that is all I can do. He is a HVAC and eats crap ALL DAY LONG. I know he feels bad because of what he is eating. We don't live together so it's hard for me to sway him to give up drive throughs. I do show him how much calories and fat are in the fast food he eats and how in one meal he goes over his ideal calorie intake. When we are together for a whole day, I choose the foods so that is helping a little.
I've also talked to him about it's not how he sees me and I'm greatful for it, but it's about how I see myself. If I'm not happy with who I am, I can't be happy with anyone else....him included.

Daisy_May · May 2011

I wonder if it's about your losing weight or if she feels you don't have enough time together?

I found myself wanting to scream at my fiance on Monday night when he decided to wash the car when he got home from work.(I didn't by the way!lol) Do I have something against a clean car? No. But I feel I barely get any time with him to just relax anymore with all the craziness of life.

I'm sure she logically has nothing against your healthy lifestyle, she just might be feeling distant from you right now.

Sarahr73 · May 2011

I wonder if it's about your losing weight or if she feels you don't have enough time together?

I found myself wanting to scream at my fiance on Monday night when he decided to wash the car when he got home from work.(I didn't by the way!lol) Do I have something against a clean car? No. But I feel I barely get any time with him to just relax anymore with all the craziness of life.

I'm sure she logically has nothing against your healthy lifestyle, she just might be feeling distant from you right now.

This was my first though as well. I would not like it if my fiance all of a sudden made a change and I wouldn't get to see him as much. Oh, wait, he did! Even though it's not the same situation, when my fiance changed his work schedule in hopes of a promotion, I was so mad at the lack of us time. I did not talk to him about it as much as I should have, it was more being mad than anything. While neither myself or your wife are in the right, women need that bond and when it goes away or gets cut back for whatever reason, we feel threatened. I would talk to her about it and hopefully she will tell you the real reason why she is so upset.

Non-supportive spouse.

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