How do you deal with people who bullied or shamed you when you were fat.

taymam
taymam Posts: 55 Member
edited November 14 in Motivation and Support
Ok, obviously the answer would be to cut these people out of your life. But what about the people that you can't avoid like your boss, family.ect
I've lost 40 pounds since I saw my father in law last and I just know when he sees me he's going to comment on how I lost weight. If it were anyone else I would accept the compliment and move on, but for some reason it just irks me when people who used to fat shame me get the satisfaction of "being right" about how I should have lost weight. And still every time I do see him he goes on about how he doesn't like fat people, ugly people and to keep the peace I remain quiet. Man do I ever want to choke the ever loving *kitten* out of that man. This isn't the only person in my life who used to fat shame me that I still have to deal with on a semi regular basis. How does one keep the peAce when dealing with these jerks?
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Replies

  • EmmaFitzwilliam
    EmmaFitzwilliam Posts: 482 Member
    ::Hugs::

    All of the people who shamed me are actually out of my life, so I'm not much help. I would say, focus on your own strength and resolve.

    Anybody who has to "be right" - well, arguing with them is like playing chess with a pigeon. The pigeon is going to knock over pieces, poop on the board, and strut around like it won, no matter what. Just recognize the pigeon and laugh to yourself.

    I hope that helps.
  • Barbs2222
    Barbs2222 Posts: 433 Member
    He's prejudiced through and though. Judgmental as*****. Family can so be difficult. Maybe this will help? http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_deal_with_prejudice
  • redoakcircus
    redoakcircus Posts: 32
    Why do you need to deal with him? It's ok for your spouse to go to his father's house by himself.
  • redoakcircus
    redoakcircus Posts: 32
    P.S. Congratulations on the weight loss. 40 lbs is awesome.
  • Barbs2222
    Barbs2222 Posts: 433 Member
    Congrats on the weight loss btw :)
  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
    maybe ask your husband to speak to him?? or... don't go. there's no way u could make me go to someone's house who put me down all the time. i think my husband would understand why i didn't want this person in my life. i feel for u though i really do. it's not easy to cut someone out. i had an uncle like that. 'had' being the key word. haven't seen him in 10 years. no loss
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    edited March 2015
    My Dad was the same way. He just recently died. He hated fat people. He was slim all his life and did not understand. He would grab my arm pinching fat, call me short and dumpy and laugh. He would upset me something terrible. I guess he just wanted me to have a good life and look good. He went about it all the wrong way. I guess they don't mean anything by it in hindsight but it hurt like h#ll! Oh yes and if he went to hospital he said I don't want her, (talking about nurse) I want the pretty one. It use to make me soo mad! Cant change them is all I know. Their values are different, they like beauty, slimness. Hey what about character?
  • irejuvenateme
    irejuvenateme Posts: 96 Member
    Ditto - congrats on your loss - but sometimes with people you could always say if he says something, "did I?" or "thanks" - sometimes you can't take folks like that seriously.
    - you know that your well being does not ride on folks like that, so you can also just distance yourself - not pay any attention -
    - My dad meant well growing up, but he would say I had weak biceps (and I was not even 12 years old) - it gave me a real headcase - he continued that for many years -
    and there were so many ways I felt hurt by him... we have a good relationship now but I had to keep some distance so the relationship didn't feel toxic (particularly when I was in my 20's)
    Later now I realize so much was his insecurities that were projected on to me. Brilliant guy with an amazing analytical mind (workaholic introvert) but not very empathic and I was overly sensitive as a kid (not a great combination)

    Anyway you have to know that spew he says about fat/thin is all about his biases and it ultimately has nothing to do with you (I know easy for me to say)

    Good luck, but have faith in yourself, that's what got you the weight loss in the first place, and not because someone in your family said anything - you were the one who made it happen and he can't take that and no one can take that away from you.

    All the best...
  • ForeverSunshine09
    ForeverSunshine09 Posts: 966 Member
    My dad never did this to me but, talked and still does about my mom(divorced 20yrs) and now my little half brother from my mom not him. I have had it out with him on numerous occassions. I am not a keep the peace type of person. I will call you out on ridiculous behavior. I warned my husband if I saw his brother talk down to him one more time I was going to flip the freak out.
  • IAmTheGlue
    IAmTheGlue Posts: 701 Member
    Tell him to **** off? :) Probably not the socially correct answer, but it's the one that I would choose.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    giphy.gif
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
    Thanks, all your suggestions are great! Especially the ninja punch, I visualize doing that every time. I only have to see the guy a few times a year so he can see his grand kids. I think next time I'm going to say something along the lines of "that surprises me because usually people with that opinion have really low self esteem and you seem pretty confident." Backhanded all the way. If he doesn't like that maybe he will just leave me alone and at least know I don't appreciate his comments. It's amazing how being bullied as a kid has affected me in my adulthood, you'd think I would have a thick skin by now.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    "thanks....But I don't recall asking for your opinion....

    did you guys here about Murry being transferred today?"

    (i.e. move on to the next available subject- leave no room to question you are discussing it)

  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    also congrats on the hard work and weight loss!
  • kelly_e_montana
    kelly_e_montana Posts: 1,999 Member
    I was a life-long yo-yo dieter. One thing I've said to people is "Thanks. I feel healthier. One nice thing about having been different weights is I had good insight into people's character and how they treat people based on appearance."
  • johnnylakis
    johnnylakis Posts: 812 Member
    How does one keep the peAce when dealing with these jerks? You don't. Just like cancer, you need to cut them out of your life. Doesn't matter if its family.
  • emily889
    emily889 Posts: 296 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    "thanks....But I don't recall asking for your opinion....

    did you guys here about Murry being transferred today?"

    (i.e. move on to the next available subject- leave no room to question you are discussing it)

    This usually does the trick. It kills them to know that what they think or say has no affect on you (even if it does).
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
    The simply answer is, thanks but the truth is my looks have never defined me and I am glad you raised your son to see my inner beauty, which has not changed even though my outward appearce has...
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    Maybe you can just say that you don't like your kids to hear talk like that with all of the emphasis they are putting on bullying in school and ask him to refrain from making such remarks around you and your kids. If that doesn't work, just don't go. It doesn't sound like a great environment and just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to spend time with them.
  • Dutchie848
    Dutchie848 Posts: 17 Member
    I've always been really honest with people like that. My mom used to always bring up my weight every time we talked, and she even got my sister doing it. Finally I got fed up and told them not to bring up my weight or I would stop calling (we live thousands of miles apart). Now that I've lost 102 lbs, I can tell they talk to me differently and really want to say something, but they know not to unless I bring it up. I occasionally run into people now that used to say things or just look at me in that way, and they say something now and I just completely ignore them or say something backhanded back. One girl used to bully me for my weight, and I saw her the other day and she had clearly gained a lot of weight. She said: "I see you've finally managed to lose some weight." I was so mad she said that, clearly not expecting me to ever lose it that I told her right back: "I see you haven't" and walked away. Was it mean? Absolutely. But sometimes you just have to say something to get them to stop.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
    I have no trouble telling them that they are @$$clowns.
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
    harvo wrote: »
    The simply answer is, thanks but the truth is my looks have never defined me and I am glad you raised your son to see my inner beauty, which has not changed even though my outward appearce has...
    Ha that would imply that he raised his son, which he didn't thank god!
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    edited March 2015
    I have sex with their significant others, then post pics of it on 4Chan.

    ...it just irks me when people who used to fat shame me get the satisfaction of "being right" about how I should have lost weight.

    Well, in fairness, that's on you, TBH. You needed to lose weight, so they absolutely *were* right. Sounds like there may still be some denial about it all at your end....maybe, just possibly...?
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
    Dutchie848 wrote: »
    I've always been really honest with people like that. My mom used to always bring up my weight every time we talked, and she even got my sister doing it. Finally I got fed up and told them not to bring up my weight or I would stop calling (we live thousands of miles apart). Now that I've lost 102 lbs, I can tell they talk to me differently and really want to say something, but they know not to unless I bring it up. I occasionally run into people now that used to say things or just look at me in that way, and they say something now and I just completely ignore them or say something backhanded back. One girl used to bully me for my weight, and I saw her the other day and she had clearly gained a lot of weight. She said: "I see you've finally managed to lose some weight." I was so mad she said that, clearly not expecting me to ever lose it that I told her right back: "I see you haven't" and walked away. Was it mean? Absolutely. But sometimes you just have to say something to get them to stop.

    I can relate to that, ever since I was little my mother would discuss my being overweight at every meal. It really tore down the 6 year old in me. She didn't help me, just criticized from age 6 onward. She even had a doctor lie to me and tell me I would die if I ate sugar. Funny thing is, I didn't at sugar and was still fat. It was an emotional thing for me and the fact that my mom always cooked fattening foods. I'm glad you said that to her, sounds like she deserved it. My sister in law said to me the other day, I see your finally taking care of yourself now. I just wanted to tell her off this girl that has no idea what it was like for me. Doesn't help that my cousin married my junior high bully, and my other cousin married a man who bullies me now. The things that people did and said to me have definitely stuck with me. I hope I will be able to move past this without turning my family away. Except for the cousins husband that bullies me now, I told him to shove it.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    Well, with your father-in-law, you don't really have any recourse, and honestly he sounds so stubbornly ignorant (or full of self-loathing) that, unless you're fairly sure saying something will cause him to change, it might not be worth it.
    Your boss, however? That's called harassment, and there are laws against that kind of behavior. Talk to him once, if you can. If he doesn't change, report him.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    My first reaction to the title of this thread was, "they aren't in my life any more." But idiot relatives are another thing. There are the obligatory visits a few times a year. They aren't going to change and you don't have to tolerate them long.

    The biggest insult you can pay him is dismiss any idea that he can change. Nod and smile. So just brush him off. He's wallpaper in your life. Not worth the attention.
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
    Yeah I used to have a boss who would tell me I needed to lose weight all the time, he had a monopoly in my field of work so there was no other options other than leaving my chosen profession that I went to school for. I find that our justice system is really failing in this as well. Innocent until proven guilty, if you don't get a confession or recording your likely not going to win. It's comparative to charging someone for rape. Lawyers spend a lot of time attacking your character, morals, your past. I wasn't willing to be torn down in front of my coworkers and family.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to remove negative people from your life. As for family? Well that is why God created alcohol.
  • inchwormbyinchworm
    inchwormbyinchworm Posts: 180 Member
    And that’s the funny thing about shame. The commenter above said “It’s only shaming you if you let it.” That’s only half-true. The way I receive a comment about my size or my build doesn’t change the fact that the intention was still to make me feel bad about my body. What I can do, however, is develop the ability to call this behavior out for what it is – an attempt to make me feel bad about who I am and where I am in my life – and I can reject the effects it tries to have over me. I can laugh at someone’s need to control how I view myself. I can acknowledge, in a positive fashion, that I am on my own journey of love and self-discovery, and no one has the right to make me feel bad about that.
    It doesn’t require an outward and open display of rebellion. In fact, smiling at a shamer while shaking your head and changing the subject, drawing a clear boundary line, and/or walking away are often the strongest forms of resisting outward pressure. And, if something that was said hurts your feelings, you remind yourself – “I am on my own journey, and I’ll get where I’m going eventually… with the love, support, and encouragement of the people who love me in the healthiest way possible.” The strongest weapon against shame is a developing sense of self-love. No weapon formed against that can prosper, not even shame.


    Excerpted from What Fat-Shaming Looks Like In Action - A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss
    http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/social-construct/what-fat-shaming-looks-like-in-action/
  • ForeverSunshine09
    ForeverSunshine09 Posts: 966 Member
    I have an uncle who is just an all around awful person. I straight up ignore him. I dont mean to just nod and agree. I mean he says something to me and I turn and walk away. I dont care if it is polite. I dont care if it makes ppl feel awkward. You earn the right to be family and if you screw with me enough you lose that right. I am a smartass and through my late 20s and now beginning of my 30s I have learned to stick up for myself. If that means telling you to go f yourself I will gladly put you in your place. I am so sick of ppl allowing themselves to become doormats because it is the polite thing to do. I will not allow an ahole to just spout crap because he feels all high and mighty.
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