i hate myself so much... i just want to die

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breanayo
breanayo Posts: 2
in Motivation and Support
i'm an 18 year old junior in HS( i got held back in elementary)and i just can't take it anymore... i'm so tired of being overweight....I'm tired of being self concious and not having any guys like me or being able to fit in cute clothes like other girls.... 8th grade, going into freshman year I lost about 20 pounds in two months going from 160 to 130.... but of course i gained it all back.... I've been trying to diet ever since. when i'm on these diets, i'm so strict and paranoid about what and how much i eat. I feel like i can't enjoy normal food or food my mom makes.... speaking of her, she isn't that supportive with me which hurts the most.... she continues to makes cookies or brownies for my siblings on weekends even though she knows i can't help but eat most of it... no matter what i tell her she just says " you need to control yourself' and if it was that easy I wouldn't be like this she also yells at me and makes me feel worse about myseld... she never says im pretty just "you would looks so beautiful skinny"... i have terrible binging problem, i honestly... I've always been overweight even when i was litttle so i don't know what 'normal' is.... I just hate myself and i need help i dont want to be fat my senior year...i want to be pretty for once in my life

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  • amsmithatc33
    amsmithatc33 Posts: 27 Member
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    Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your mom? Explain that you are trying, but need her help, not her pressure or criticism. I teach, so I know how rough these years are, they are flat out brutal with pressure from every side. I feel so much for you and what you are going through. It will get better though. I promise! Keep plugging away, and be healthy! Hugs!!
  • breanayo
    breanayo Posts: 2
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    amsmithatc33 wrote: »
    Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your mom? Explain that you are trying, but need her help, not her pressure or criticism. I teach, so I know how rough these years are, they are flat out brutal with pressure from every side. I feel so much for you and what you are going through. It will get better though. I promise! Keep plugging away, and be healthy! Hugs!!

    I try to talk to her, but her tv shows are apparently more important than me and she yells..... it's like i have no one to talk to or motivate me
  • kp3868
    kp3868 Posts: 36 Member
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    I've been there. I topped the scale at 200lbs my senior year and in 5th grade I was 2nd largest in the whole class. I'm only 5 foot tall so 200lbs looks amazing on me ill tell ya! But hey look on the brighter side. I bet you have beautiful eyes. Plus me as a big girl always took extra pride in cleanliness and neatness. I always tried to paint the barn or put a little make up on, make sure my hair was presentable, always kept a nice spray. Don't let your weight determine your social status. Be confident, love the skin your in. Hey you can make an honest effort to get healthy. But that starts within... Mentally and physically! The rest will fall into place.. trust me plenty of guys love thick chicks and there is always time for that. Focus on the things you can change and pray about the things you cant!! Even tho I'm heafty I love people and I love to meet new people. Even GUYS!! I project positive energy and guys love that. I'm no dime piece but god sent me my soul mate in due time it was my personality that won him over not my looks. My inner beauty!!

    I'm here if you ever want to talk. Don't allow this weight thing run your life.. your in control here!! You got this!
  • meganjcallaghan
    meganjcallaghan Posts: 949 Member
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    guuuuuuuurl....my mother was constantly trying this diet or that diet and trying to make me do it with her even though I actually liked myself just fine and didn't feel like there was anything wrong with me...at least until she constantly tried to get me to diet with her...and make me go use my neighbour's scale to weigh myself since it was "more accurate than ours" (don't recall ever seeing her traipsing over there to weigh her own self...but whatevs) and tell me I should wear jackets or sleeves over my sleeveless shirts, and that I shouldn't get the dress I actually LIKED for grad because it happened to be sleeveless and because I had "big arms"......I think a lot of it was her projecting her own feelings of insecurity/inadequacy (which, considering a well remembered comment I got from HER mother - "you've grown....not taller, though" - is understandable) but it still sticks with you. To this day I would not be caught dead with bare arms....All that to say, I'd love to say it won't stick with you because it probably will. Can you rise above it and have a good life regardless of the words and actions of other people who you can't control? Yes you can. I'd start with checking with school counselors regarding options and availability of people or resources to help you figure out the binge tendency and how to change whatever thoughts or mindset you find lead to that. Find support wherever you can if you aren't getting it at home.
  • amsmithatc33
    amsmithatc33 Posts: 27 Member
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have a family member you can talk to? Grandparent, aunt... Sometimes it can be that one person who can help you to get through the hard times. My aunt has always been my rock!
  • cvstokke
    cvstokke Posts: 249 Member
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    Hi there,

    In terms of overall support, I can tell you that many of us have been there and echo want several others have said. I can't stress enough how hard it is and how important it is to find a healthy medium between binging/not taking care of yourself and being overly strict/unhealthily obsessed with food/exercise. It's so hard to find that place and so many of us here know how you feel. I'm not at my goal, but I've felt many of your feelings so feel free to friend me or message me for support. Also, maybe try talking to your mom. It sounds like she's a positive force in your life and maybe she doesn't realize some of the things she does and how they make healthy choices hard for you.

    On another note, your title of 'I just want to die' has me concerned and I want you to know that if you really feel that way, you are not alone and it's important to seek help. I know I said things like that in high school and didn't mean them, but if you're worried about those feelings or do feel that way, I suggest reaching out to a suicide hotline. Many of them have online chat options, so you could just type to them without having to tell anyone in person or say things out loud.

    Take care!
  • shiloo88
    shiloo88 Posts: 8 Member
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    Daaaaaw! Makes my heart hurt! I didn't struggle as a kid but now it sure is harder. I feel ya with food. If it's around its soooo hard not to say no let alone only have a little even! Do you have any friends that could do myfitnesspal with you? I've found that's the only way I do well. It's like a competition, but in a good way. Makes you wanna exercise if they do or keep eating well when you see they are under their calories for the day. I no longer have a friend to do it with so I've been having a hard time keeping with it. I'm re starting over... again. I lost 40 lbs when doing it before with my friend who Id run with and try to "compete" with. You could also post inspirational things around your room to encourage you towards you're goal. And like she said above me, if you can, tell your mom it's really important to you hat you have her support because it's what you truly need in order to be successful and happy and reach your final goal.
  • hannahrgilbert
    hannahrgilbert Posts: 23 Member
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    I totally get what you're saying! I know it's hard and I wish that you didn't have to deal with that. My parents have always sat me down and talked to me about how I'm "fat", and I know how much it hurts! Try drinking more water and every time you feel as though you may take some of the yummy goodies your mom makes, grab an apple or some carrots. Or if that doesn't satisfy you, just try eating a few semi-sweet chocolate chips. That's what I do when my family bakes! I've been there, I am there. I'm a 18 and a senior and I peaked my highest weight of 200. It sucks, especially with society shaming girls who are considered overweight. Love your skin and who you are. Other people don't really matter, it's about you and what makes you happy. Add me if you want and we can chat more. :) I'd love to encourage you on this journey. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing great!!
  • brookekato
    brookekato Posts: 6 Member
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    I totally understand! My mom was the same way for a really long time. August through November I suffered with an eating disorder and now, I suffer with bingeing (which I guess is another eating disorder) and I gained back all the weight I lost, plus some. I constantly cry and I'm always hiding myself under baggy clothing- hoping no one will notice. But I think the biggest thing is reminding yourself that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to start fresh and take the wheel and take control of your life. You have your whole life ahead of you- decades and decades- and just imagine a few months from now, even a year, and you'll be glad you started now. Now is the perfect time. Tomorrow is too far away, and you can't change the past, but now is, well, now. ("there's no better time like the present", haha!) Sure, I mean I get really upset and I cry and I hate myself, but you're not alone in that. I'm 5'6" and I'm not overweight, but I feel like it because I'm not used to all this weight on my body. I'm comfortable at around 120 pounds and I think that is a good number for me, but right now I'm 15 pounds above that, which sucks, and I could also easily lose that in almost 2 months, but I keep binge eating. It's a serious problem that many people suffer from and you're not alone. I'm here with you and so is everyone else on here- stay strong and focused, we can do this together! (Also, sorry for writing a novel but I thought you needed that advice.)
  • HAZeuner
    HAZeuner Posts: 3
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    You may think I sounds crazy. But maybe check out an Overeaters Anonymous. I go to other meetings and the support group at these places are just wonderful. You really are able to create your own family. People will be very motivational. And you will be able to "learn to control yourself". Seems like there are just some other underlying issue as to why you may find comfort in food and complete and overwhelming need for control when on a diet.

    Certainly give it a chance. May change the world for you.

    Keep your head up. Things will get better. Plus you don't want to date people in HS. They all suck. You're life will begin when you make it.
    :p
  • Coreycee
    Coreycee Posts: 1 Member
    edited March 2015
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  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
    edited March 2015
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    OP, I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder too and the only way to beat it is cold turkey I'm afraid.

    As for the weight, go for a walk as much as you can (don't run if you're too overweight, it'll damage your joints like it did for mine) and the weight will slowly melt away.

    At the risk of making this about me, here's the difference a year made for me, maybe it can motivate you to do the same :)

    8Dx3fuxl.jpg

    Give my blog a read, it might be useful for you:

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/lewispwest

    Take care of yourself and remember: life has infinite potential, death is boring.
  • altogirl2
    altogirl2 Posts: 105 Member
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    Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you have so little support at home. My family was also fixated on weight. I was never really heavy but always made to feel like the "fat" one of the family because I weighed 130 instead of 120. I wish I had known how lovely I was and that people liked me for who I was and not how much I weighed.

    160 pounds is not a lot! If you want to lose a little, stick with MFP and make some online friends here. Make a goal to lose slowly and steadily, maybe 1/2 lb a week. Track your food and you really won't be hungry AND you can have a brownie when your mom bakes! You don't have to give up the foods you love.

    You sound smart and motivated and capable. If you want this, I know you can do it!

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