I'm lost, scared, alone and in tears ...

fastingfurious35 · March 2015

Yes.. I'm sitting in the dark room - alone and in tears.
- I feel like I can't get a break . I'm so scared of what will be... I don't know where to turn and who to talk to - that will understand what I'm going through physically and emotionally....
-
now to explain what's happening so you know what it is about..

Back in 2006 I was 280lbs - joined weight watchers - and within one year lost 60 lbs. Got stuck at 220 for about 8 months - no matter what I did- I couldn't get past that weight.
Eventually I gave up.
Slowly but surely - every single pound came back. And brought some friends along.. so I ended up at 295/300 Lbs.
I had tried every single diet that existed- I had personal trainers.. I was chronic bulimic all my teenage- life - until about 22 - so about 6-7 years I was vomiting about 6-7 times a day..
So I knew - there wasn't anything else for me to do - and I decided to have a Lap Band surgery as my last resort and my last try.

In July 2013 - I finally had my band placed and felt on clouds. I thought my life finally will be what I always wanted. I thought I will be finally a " healthy -skinny person "
I did everything I was told by my doctors and dietitins. I worked out- ate exactly how I was supposed to do it.. And it worked fine for the first 12 monts ( I'm saying fine because I lost weight I reached 218 !! ) I broke that 220 mark. Finally.
As soon as I celebrated that and could really see the light at the end of the tunnel - ( meaning getting below 200 lbs ) .. problems started.
Pain in my stomach - daily issues. Daily acid and heart burn. Daily vomiting because food wouldn't go down. Pain and Nausea. The life became miserable and the band pretty much controlled my life- Some days I wanted to workout but couldn't because I was in pain. Or I wanted to eat healthy but could only dream about swallowing a piece of salad or a veggie.. because no food would go down and I had no energy I would take a spoon or two of nutella.. I need energy - but nothing will go down or stay down - and that's going on for months.
And still I was working out as much as I could.
But - no weight is coming off anymore. I even started gaining. HOW ?? I'm hardly eating anything ?
Going back to the doctor..they only care about the numbers on the scale they could care less about the inches or muscles if the scale didnt' show smaller number - you are failing.
Well guess what " you need to make the band tighter " .. - even tighter ? I can't eat anything as it is ? Ok.. let's make it tighter.. than few days later I'm chocking on water because I can't swallow-
Run to the emergency - on call doctors get it lose again because you are dying in pain..
Oh well- let's send you to have an upper GI.. " normal " lets send you to EGD ' oh .. you have inflamations in your stomach and your esophagus and this and that .. Le'ts do a CT , let's do this and that..
apointments, money , more test, more pain.. more money.. more frustration - and no loss.

Finally the doctor told me- we have to remove the band.
.........

It is hard to explain if you didn't go through it yourself. It feels like- you have a baby in you and you are loving and protecting it - but it is being taken away from you because it is harming you and your body. You love it - but your body is not accepting it.

The doctor right away- basically in same breath suggested " take it out and lets do sleeve ( gastric bypass surgery )..
I still didn't digest the first part - and he is telling me to do another surgery- right afer I recover from this surgery ( Lap Band removal ).. heal- than come back let's open you up and cut some more - and hope that works " ..

This band has put a huge financial strain on my family . I felt guilty for spending so much $$ that wasn't planned.. but because the complications were not really explained to me in the beginning I ended up in this disaster of run-around- live in pain- and keep spending $ but no weight loss anymore.

Now .. I'm waiting for the insurance approval - and than the band Is coming out.

Why am I scared ?

Because I don't know what will happen to me after it is out ..
Nobody understands - I mean yes - everybody says " oh just eat healthy- and eat less and hopefully you won't gain it back "

YEs - that is logical.. yes,,.. sounds easy ..
But have I not done that before I decided to have this surgery ? I mean - you don't do a surgery like a " Monday-diet " .. you probably have done 100 different diets and resolutions before you decided to have a weight loss surgery.

So - I keep telling myself- I have learned something through this jourey, I know how to eat healthy- I d exercise.. I know how to portion my food now.. I try to reason - but deep down .. this fear Is just growing.. and growing and I'm afraid.

Will my body go crazy after the band is out ? Will the hormones be out of my control ? What if I do everything right and still the weight comes back ? I mean .. I AM SO SCARED.. and I feel so alone.
Most other patients in the support group - that had the band removed- right away signed up for the gastric bypass ( sleeve surgery_ ) so they kind of don't relate to this fear..

I want to find someone that has been in similar situation. Someone that knows what I'm going through. Someone that can tell me it will be ok - because they have gone through it and they have not gained the weight back.

I just need someone to tell me it will be ok

.. the support group from the weihght loss place was my support for 20+ months and they always could relate to all my troubles and vc/vs.. but now I feel like - I'm losing the band and the support group because I will no longer be a " weight loss-surgery patient " ..

I'm so sorry to write here a whole life story- I needed this to come out somewhere .. I hope someone has the time to read and connect

fnoblebrown · March 2015

First, you're still a "weight loss surgery patient." It sort of seems odd that you would lose that support group just because, you know, you're at risk of major medical problems, possibly even death, because it must be reversed.

Second, bypass is no guarantee, either. Plenty of people have had the surgery, lost weight, and then gradually put it back on because they didn't stick to the diet and exercise regimen that you're supposed to follow post-op.

I've seen it.

The surgeries can help; especially with patients that are at risk of death if something drastic isn't done, but they are not the final solution to weight problems.

The solution always has been a consistently good diet and consistent exercise.

I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, but I'm going to tell you what you need to hear: This is an adverse situation, and I am not at all dismissing or making light of your fears; I know well enough that they are quite real. But you must overcome this, and the only way to do it is through commitment and willpower.

There are plenty of us here to help you with that.

I have lost 70 pounds since September through rigorous diet and exercise. I am scared to death it might come back. I am scared to death I won't lose the remaining weight I have to lose. I know it's very easy to slip.

The accountability of this community helps a LOT. The support helps a LOT. Seeing so many others fight the same fight proves I'm not alone.

No, I haven't had bypass or lap-band; I can't relate directly to that. But I have loved ones who have, and I've seen it fail them, for a number of reasons.

Do not despair. You are 100% in control of every calorie that you consume, and every calorie you burn. That is all you need. You can do it.

fastingfurious35 · March 2015

Thank you for replying - here where I'm it's few minutes before midnight- it's dead silence- and a very dark room.. Your response brought tears again - but at least - I can sense hope in your response and - just thank you

fnoblebrown · March 2015

halfcuporless wrote: »

Thank you for replying - here where I'm it's few minutes before midnight- it's dead silence- and a very dark room.. Your response brought tears again - but at least - I can sense hope in your response and - just thank you

I apologize if I come across too bluntly; I did not mean to lack empathy. I cannot fathom the uncertainty you must feel regarding the impending surgery; I've never had any surgical procedure aside from having an ingrown toenail removed.

But I can relate to the weight loss bit. I was heavy in my early 20's... lost it all and was super-fit in my late 20's, then gained it all back with interest in my 30's. Now I'm 40, and I'm already having a harder time losing it than I did 15 years ago (to be expected, for sure), and I am indeed afraid to put it back on, because I don't know if I'll ever get it back off again.

And the I see people here 10-20-30 years older than me having success, and I know it's foolish to think I cannot do the same.

It's just before midnight here, too... but I've got all the lights on.

fastingfurious35 · March 2015

No - I didn't sense any " lack of empathy-" the opposite- I needed to hear anything positive - . I needed to hear another voice- beside all the ones in my head.. and I'm just thankful you even took the time to read that long story

.. I guess we all are somehow in the same boat- we all tried and keep trying many routes but we all have the same destination.
- All lights out- it's easier to cry in the dark

fnoblebrown · March 2015

Stop crying! You're making me feel bad!

jenncornelsen · March 2015

I have not faced your struggle and commend u for all u have gone through. But I truly think u can do it! After all u have done it! The band may have helped but u were the one eating less food every single day. The band didn't make u get out there and exercise u did. And judging by ur picture u felt awesome. I truly think u have the tools u need. It won't be easy but give it a go on here for a bit. Talk to others. We've all had struggles. They may not be the same but we have the same goals. Day by day. I hope u can find some rest tonight.

AyaRowan · March 2015

It's very easy to feel powerless, helpless, or hopeless for individuals who have battled with their weight for years upon years. The weight itself is dangerous, but so is the resulting mental and emotional state.

I wore a size 22 jeans before I was out of junior high. I had low self-esteem, retreated from society, and the like. In university, my highest known weight was 318lb at the time I was diagnosed with intracranial hypertension (high pressure in the brain) and had to have emergency shunt surgery to save my vision.

I haven't had weight loss surgery, I don't know the fear from that. But I know a somewhat similar fear, as at the time of that emergency surgery I had almost gone entirely blind due to pressure on my optic nerves. The doctors couldn't guarantee my vision would ever come back, let alone enough to drive, read, write, etc. I've never been so fearful as then, when the faces of my mother and father were nothing but a blur to my eyes. Thankfully, I regained most of my vision.

Fear isn't a certainty. It isn't a given. There's no guarantee that the things you fear will come to pass. I didn't go blind, for instance. There's also no certainty that you CAN'T do it without the surgery, is there? It's perfectly ok and natural to be afraid but don't assume your fears will come to pass.

Until I was 26 years of age, I thought it was impossible for me to lose weight. I knew the right ways to do it, I knew the science behind it, I knew what NOT to do as well. But I just thought it would all be pointless and wouldn't work for me, so I never so much as seriously tried.

But then I did. And you know what? I logged in at 217lb a couple days ago. 100lb less than my highest weight. It wasn't fast. I didn't lose it all in a year like some have done. I fell off the track several times, but I never allowed myself to regain more than ten pounds before starting right back up again without beating myself up about it.

From what I've read, you've been relying on your band as a crutch. As something to make sure you lost weight, something to keep you on track. You've attached a lot of emotions, a lot of hopes to that band, but that band was never meant to do it all for you. It's helped you lose a lot of weight already, and that's amazing! Be thankful to it for that, be grateful that you have more energy, more mobility, more ability to look towards the future and continue losing more.

When the band is removed, you're thinking you'll be losing a crutch. You're thinking you'll fall flat on your face without its help. The purpose of a crutch is to help you until you can help yourself. And you'll never know if you've learned and grown and healed enough to help yourself until you try to take some steps without it.

You can do it! It won't be easy, it will take a lot of attention and care and tracking. Weighing food and recipes precisely, buying the right foods. Knowing when to stop eating on your own without the band telling you to stop. You don't NEED weight loss surgery to lose weight. Try to calm your mental state, make peace with your emotions. Find your zen place, try to separate yourself from all the fears and stress bouncing around in your head. They'll still be there, but don't let them dominate you. And when you've had a few moments of calm, look forward into the future with determination and say "I can do it!"

fastingfurious35 · March 2015

AyaRowan- thank you so much for this - you really said some things that hit a lot of the spots .. especially the analogy with the " crutch " makes really sense. .. You are an inspiration - and you really should be proud of your accomplishments so far. - and you can do the rest as well. Yes some people lose it fast- and some need a lot of more time. I have done most of the work in the past year- the band was there just for an emotional security - but caused more damage than good- still the " piece of mind " was there - I thought if I noticed weight coming back up I could just go to my doctor and have it made tight and the problem would be solved ( that was the piece of mind I had ) .. Yes I know I had to do all the work - and thank you to point that out to me jenncornelsen I had to plan my meals, I had to eat my proteins I was the one choosing the protein over the un healthy stuff- and I was the one working out despite the pain I had from the band.. but it is so .. I don't know- with all the negatives- it still was something that gave me in the back of my mind " a piece of mind " ..

MonsoonStorm · March 2015

One other thing to consider, in the time that you have had the band and haven't been eating much, it is highly likely that your stomach will have shrunk from the size it used to be. You will feel full sooner than you used to even without the band in place.

Try to keep your portion sizes small (how they should be really, swap your dinner plates for side plates to fool your brain into thinking it is getting a "plate full" of food - that one simple step made the world of difference to me) and you may well find that as your body heals and you start to feel better, everything may well fall in to place and your weight loss will kick in again.

Think of the band as a temporary kick-starter on your journey to good health. It's done it's job, now it's time for you to take over

mamadon · March 2015

I havent been through the same things you have, as I havent had the surgery. I can relate to the fear of gaining weight back though. I have been maintaing for a year and am still scared I will suddenly lose control and gain it all back, even though I know logically I wont.
Personally, I think since you already tried surgery and it didnt work out, I would stay away from another one. That seems so awful hard on your poor body. Youv'e already had success, maybe you could continue to use this site, and try counting calories again when you have recovered.

shelbymikszath1 · March 2015

I am not going to say that i know what you are going through or tell you anything for the future other than you arent alone. So many people go through this and even if they dont they will be here for you (like me) if you ever feel alone and just want to vent you can message me. I will alway listen and try to help the best i can. I want you to feel good and not be alone. I have been in fear, sitting alone and hearing the future for different reasons but i would love to help if i could

jessjess210 · March 2015

Hi there. I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. I've always struggled with weight in a very unhealthy way. I've never been skinny, but at the same time I haven't been as heavy as I think I am. What I'm trying to say is maybe you can look at other resources for support. I didn't come to this realization til about a week ago. I saw that my obsession with the scale and constant logging and weighing was stressing me out. My husband pointed this out. Every time we went out for a romantic date night instead of talking to him I was staring at my phone trying to log every single bite. And if the scale showed even a half pound increase I would be moody and snappy towards him and the kids all day.

I'm not saying this is all in your head. I know the struggle is real and you have physical things you are seeing. But maybe you could talk to a specialist on (I hate using this term Cuz I flipped out on my husband when he used it) eating disorders. After fighting with him and thinking about it for a few days, I've got my first appt next week. Let's see how it goes

_Waffle_ · March 2015

The band was like a drill sergeant forcing you to do what you needed to do. You CAN move past that and do the right things now that you know what works. The band did not cause you to lose weight. Planning your meals, making decisions about the quality and quantity of food. Those things are what caused you to lose weight. You can still make the same decisions without the band.

Both of my parents had a full gastric bypass and they both lost a lot of weight and they've put back on quite a bit of weight even with the bypass. You have to take control of your diet to be healthy. Don't think of this as something you're doing till you get below 200. Think of it as a lifestyle where you're healthy and can do things and feel good about yourself.

bhealthy1516 · March 2015

you've gotten so many wonderful replies I can't think of anything to add, other than definitely don't do another surgery and you can do this and I just found this site a few days ago, and I'm struggling to follow but we are all stronger than we really think we are, we're not giving anything that we can`t handle and you have a family and you have people on here to support you. I agree with a couple of people said about it being a support group there must be other people who couldn't handle the surgery, and cant have the other surgery

bhealthy1516 · March 2015

even Al Roker was on dr. oz recently, and spoke about how he put back a lot of his weight from his surgery, and how he had to relearn everything, he might have written a book I'm not sure you can look it up

I'm lost, scared, alone and in tears ...

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