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MyFitnessPal Community

I think I might have an eating disorder

mom2aeg03

I have come to the realization this morning that I might have an Binge eating disorder. I find myself buying junk food and eating it while alone. I have bought stuff, like donuts or bread and have eaten it without even realizing it. I hide candy wrappers, I will stop someplace on the way home to throw away the evidence so that no one sees it. One time I wanted a vanilla milkshake so bad that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I caved in to shut up that little voice and got it. The first sip was sheer heaven. It was like being a crack addict and getting my fix. I drank the whole thing, but after that first sip, I couldn't tell you what it tasted like. Quite honestly, I can't even remember drinking the rest of it. From the moment I wake up until I go to bed all I think about is food. If I know that I am going to be alone at home, all I can think about is what junk food am I going to eat. I have gained a tremendous amount of weight because of this. Now, when I am around my hubby or kids, I eat better. We go to gym and we work out hard. It's kinda like my dirty little secret. And I hate it. I feel ashamed.
Some background information that I sometimes wonder if it plays a part, not that I am trying to find excuses. I want to get help and get this under control. My last marriage was a VERY abusive one. He was (still is) an alcoholic. He would hit me quite often. He was also verbally/emotionally abusive. He told me that I was fat and disgusting. He told me that I grossed him out. There were many nights that we would be all ready to go out for dinner and he would cancel the last minute because he said that he was embarrassed to be with me in public. I was so skinny...the skinniest I've ever been! The man I am with now is wonderful. He tells me I am beautiful every single day. He never mentions that I am overweight. He supports that I am trying to lose weight because he wants me to be healthy and around for a long time.

So, what do you think? Do I have an eating disorder? I am not trying to make up excuses why I can't lose weight. Lord knows that I want to lose weight so that I can feel better about myself. I ache all over and it's because of all this extra weight I carry.

I came to this forum because I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. It's way easier to be anonymous and get some advice.

Replies

KarenJanine

It's not what you want to hear but you should be speaking to a professional. A counsellor may help you to work through your past relationship probems, and if you're concerned about an eating disorder then ask your doctor to refer you to a registered dietitian.

FluffySandwich

I agree with the above poster, that you should speak with a professional. Though I can say I used to suffer from bulimia and can see a lot of my past self in your comment. I'm happy you have a great man who can encourage you

Know that there are people here who believe in you as well!

MommysLittleMeatball

Being aware and addressing this issue anonymously on forum is a good starting point, however, you won't be getting a lot (if any) professional help here which seems like it would benefit you best. You'll simply be getting some rational (hopefully) advice and random 2 cents from strangers - which could be good or bad.

You seem to have stated you have an emotional tie and triggers to your binge eating. You fixate on binging and even go out of your way to hide it. My personal opinion is to seek out a therapist. They are trained and would know how to help you pin-point why and how to deal with it. You may be embarrassed to talk to anyone, but you're talking about it now. You say you don't want to make excuses about why you can't lose weight, well maybe you also don't want to make excuses about why you can't seek help for this issue.

You've made one step, now keep moving forward. Good luck!

Esterhase

I think you came to the right place. There are a lot of people here who have/have had some variation on what you're faced with, people who have done a lot of hard work on themselves and will be more than happy to help you. As far as asking for a broscience diagnosis about an eating disorder, well, you might want to talk to a real therapist about that one. I know a little about alchohol dependency; if you're obsessing about the substance, consuming the substance in secret and to excess, and letting the craving for the substance prevail against your better judgement, yes, those are behaviors that you may be able to do something about, in time.

Best wishes to you. You'll find a lot of support in here.

PeachyPlum

I am a domestic violence survivor as well, so I know a little bit of what you are going through. It definitely does make shame a habit, almost a part of you, causing you to do things like eat in secret and then throw away the evidence.

I think that often, when we are able to get past the shame, it can really change our eating habits. There's nothing wrong with wanting a vanilla milkshake now and then, for a cheat day or if it fits into your calorie goals. I think if you go out for milkshakes with the family and enjoy it without hiding it, you'll find that you can enjoy each sip of the milkshake and can stop when enough is enough.

When you buy it in secret and start to feel ashamed, you'll gulp it all down to get rid of it and hide the evidence (even from yourself, because you want to stop feeling the shame).

Have you been through any counseling or therapy to help you work through the abuse you suffered? If not, I can't recommend it enough.

jkwolly

This.

It seems you have a support system now, so take the time to take care of yourself.

In the end, you're only lying to yourself when you closet eat, so be ready to help YOU!

adamitri

I went to a counselor and it was the best decision I ever made. I was so afraid of the judgement but she was so understanding. She didn't tell me I was right or wrong. She helped me focus.

mom2aeg03

I just made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders among other things. Thanks everyone...you gave me the push I needed.

KarenJanine

That takes courage - well done in taking that big first step. I hope you find the help you need. :flowerforyou:

jkwolly

Glad to hear! :flowerforyou:

kindrabbit

Yay! Thats the first step toward the new you! Happy, healthy, confident, strong and all the other cool stuff

Good luck hun X

AliceDark

Well done, OP! Here are some additional resources that might help:

https://myfitnesspal.desk.com/customer/portal/articles/1575987-eating-disorder-resources
http://www.overeatersanonymous.org/
http://www.youreatopia.com/

HeySwoleSister

Good for you!

And, you know...you survived and escaped a violent and emotionally abusive relationship. You recognized another emerging problem and are seeking help. You are pretty amazing, you know that? It takes a TON of personal strength to do those things. I'm pretty damned impressed by you, lady.

sofaking6

That's awesome. No need for you to continue to suffer from that abuse in your previous relationship. You seem like a person who is positive and resilient and I see a lot of peace and happiness in your future.

mom2aeg03

Thanks everyone...you are all so kind!

retropactum

This was the best thing I did for myself. The therapist I saw had a holistic approach to my unhealthy relationship with food and it's stem from my anxiety and depression. We worked through some much through different activities. I was only able to attend weekly for a few months due to some financial reasons, but she sent me off with practices to help me on my own and even an app for the anxiety.

I suggest that you keep a journal during this time. Even if you are just reflecting on talking points, it will help you recall the teachings and practices at times when you need it most.

Good luck!

mom2aeg03

Thank you, retropactum! Journaling is a good idea!

PeachyCarol

^This. All of this.

cazpom37

i third this x

JAT74

I have sent you a message

jgnatca

+4
Well said!