I can't stop thinking about food and it's killing me

All I think about during the day is food. Even when I'm sleeping, I dream about gorging on all kinds of sweets and baked goods. I absolutely hate myself for this because it leads to unnecessary cravings and an inability to focus on other things. I've binged more than a few times these past couple of weeks which resulted in a 5 pound weight gain. I haven't weighed this much in 2 years! Knowing that I'm the heaviest I've ever been creates so much self hatred and disgust. Sometimes I even refuse to be seen in public. I spent the last hour crying over what I did to myself. The guilt will not leave my head no matter what. Punishing myself no longer works, so I'm feeling hopeless. I can't purge because that will damage the lining of my already inflamed esophagus. But I can't deal with this anymore. I'm extremely depressed and I don't know who to turn to anymore. My life is falling apart all because of my addiction to food and my obsession to be a certain weight. A voice in my head always tells me "if you're not at this weight, you're an ugly fat cow and no one will like you". Well, I'm no longer at that weight after 2 years of maintenance and hard work at the gym. I've screwed everything up. Help?