How do you deal with people encouraging the wrong things?

sjadev1108
sjadev1108 Posts: 26 Member
edited November 15 in Motivation and Support
My mom constantly is saying things like "you can take a day off" whether she is referring to me slamming a cheeseburger once or twice a week, or like today, I had to reschedule a workout for my lunch time because I didn't sleep much last night and didn't make it before work this morning. Of course, her response was not one of support, i.e. "that's great you are making an effort even during your work day".....no, it was "you can take a day off, you've done so well"......NO I CAN'T, AND I'VE SAID THAT!!! I'm not one of those people, I do some cardio every single day, because I have to or I'll get lazy and quit. I'm only 2 months in and down 18 pounds. Obviously I've done something right, so why would I do something differently?!!? It's frustrating because she was one that bugged me about my being overweight for years!!! What do you say when people say "you can afford one cookie, piece of cake etc" or encourage you the wrong ways?!

Replies

  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    In one ear and out the other so I cannot recall any of these incidents it happens to me.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    Smile and nod
  • devoslosingit
    devoslosingit Posts: 48 Member
    I personally ignore them and tell myself that they aren't on the same path as i am. There are always going to be people who say these things. For whatever the reason. Don't get into a discussion about it because it will most likely lead to an argument.
  • cj94404
    cj94404 Posts: 154 Member
    If their comment is out of the blue, ignore them or be noncommittal.

    If you mom is responding to you expressing stress at making it to the gym, you need to realize she is just responding to your distress and wants to help you. People offer bad advice all the time. It isn't meant to be cruel necessarily.

    You know what is best for you. When your mom sees you happy she will understand. I don't think parents like it when their kids are stressed. They want to fix it if possible.

    Good luck and good for you! 18 lbs is a lot!
  • Charliegottheruns
    Charliegottheruns Posts: 286 Member
    Try not to emphasis the negative thoughts of her comment and express the positive outcomes of your behavior. Example, instead of saying, "NO I CAN'T , AND I'VE SAID THAT!!! " Express the positive feelings you have when you, ".........................". She will get the point, she may distance herself at first, but she will come back.
    Good luck
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    Parents and spouses always want to make you feel better, and often that's a quick fix. She's probably not trying to undermine your hard work, she just sees you are stressed out and wants you to feel better on a difficult day. My own husband struggles with weight and I know that but sometimes I want to make him a dinner that isn't in his calorie goal because I know he'll enjoy it. This makes me an enabler. I'm not deliberately trying to undermine him but just want to make him feel happy for a brief moment.
    Sit your mom down and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell her that you understand she's trying to make you feel better, but that you actually feel worse and unsupported when she makes those suggestions. She'll probably appreciate your honesty.
  • sodakat
    sodakat Posts: 1,126 Member
    I don't know your mom's experience with weight loss and setting exercise goals, but maybe she is looking at this from a different perspective. She might be seeing the big picture and not remembering how it feels when you finally make a change (you don't want to take any chances on messing up because you are so happy finding something that works). At some point you probably will be okay with "taking a day off". It just isn't now.

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  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    Meh...I learned long ago not to pay too much attention to what other people say or think, particularly if it's in an area for which they are completely un-knowledgeable and I'm very knowledgeable.

    That said...and I understand that you're only two months in...but you do have to learn to cut yourself some slack. You inevitably are going to miss workouts and whatnot...life does happen...and missing a workout here and there is pretty irrelevant in the big picture. Long term, sustained success is ultimately going to require you to be able to see the bigger picture; people who get too wrapped up in the minutia tend to drown in it and ultimately fail because they equate not being 100% on all of the time as failure...they fail to see the big picture and thus fail in their nutrition and fitness aspirations.
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
    edited March 2015
    Smile, thank the person for their input and then do what you believe is best for you.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,323 Member
    It depends if you want that particular relationship to grow in your life if you do you have to set a boundary. Let her know how you feel when she makes these comments and let her know it pushes you awaY.
  • futuremanda
    futuremanda Posts: 816 Member
    Another thing to consider is to avoid saying things that trigger these responses. Of course your mother thinks you could take a rest day or eat one cookie... you could. It's your choice though, not hers.

    If you have to reschedule a workout, and you know that saying something like "Ugh, I missed my workout this morning and now I'll have to do one at lunch, and I'm so tired!" will cause your mother to suggest you take a rest, then just don't talk about it. Or phrase it differently: "I missed my workout this morning and I'm feeling tired as a result. Can't wait to get going at lunch!"

    Don't raise subjects for discussion if you're only going to find certain responses acceptable. Don't complain about things (if you are) if you don't want to hear solutions. Because people have their own reactions, and aren't just going to say what you want to hear. You can TRY to tell her what is and is not supportive for you, but she is who she is, so you may not be able to get her to say exactly what you wish she would.

    And remember that people just love you. Your mom sees you working hard, she hears that you are tired, of course she would think it would be okay to take one day off. It isn't the support you want, but she sounds supportive and loving to me, just in HER way. Don't get mad, just love her for who she is and adjust your own behaviour accordingly. Set boundaries when you need to, but don't bait her to overstep them either. (Meaning, let her know that she can't tell you to eat things. Only you know whether you can "afford" to or not. But then also do not bring the subject up, complain about missing foods, etc.)
  • ardiamckenzie
    ardiamckenzie Posts: 7 Member
    devoslosingit wrote: »
    I personally ignore them and tell myself that they aren't on the same path as i am. There are always going to be people who say these things. For whatever the reason. Don't get into a discussion about it because it will most likely lead to an argument.

    I agree :)
  • marinabreeze
    marinabreeze Posts: 141 Member
    edited March 2015
    futuremanda wrote: »
    Another thing to consider is to avoid saying things that trigger these responses. Of course your mother thinks you could take a rest day or eat one cookie... you could. It's your choice though, not hers.

    If you have to reschedule a workout, and you know that saying something like "Ugh, I missed my workout this morning and now I'll have to do one at lunch, and I'm so tired!" will cause your mother to suggest you take a rest, then just don't talk about it. Or phrase it differently: "I missed my workout this morning and I'm feeling tired as a result. Can't wait to get going at lunch!"

    Don't raise subjects for discussion if you're only going to find certain responses acceptable. Don't complain about things (if you are) if you don't want to hear solutions. Because people have their own reactions, and aren't just going to say what you want to hear. You can TRY to tell her what is and is not supportive for you, but she is who she is, so you may not be able to get her to say exactly what you wish she would.

    And remember that people just love you. Your mom sees you working hard, she hears that you are tired, of course she would think it would be okay to take one day off. It isn't the support you want, but she sounds supportive and loving to me, just in HER way. Don't get mad, just love her for who she is and adjust your own behaviour accordingly. Set boundaries when you need to, but don't bait her to overstep them either. (Meaning, let her know that she can't tell you to eat things. Only you know whether you can "afford" to or not. But then also do not bring the subject up, complain about missing foods, etc.)

    This 100%.

    To the OP:

    I love my mother dearly. I also know how she is about certain subjects, and I know that I cannot change her. And that's okay. So I don't bring them up with her. If my mom says something I disagree with - with her, it's giving me Dr. Oz or Doctors tips - I let her talk, and I nod and smile, tell her something like "thanks, I'll think about that" and then do what works for me. I respect her and understand that she is advising me from a place of caring, even if the advice itself may be wrong or something I don't agree with. So I respond with that in mind, but I still do what I know works for me.

    From what it sounds like, your mom has good intentions and is not intentionally trying to derail your progress. However, you also know she will not respond in the way you want her to. So either you can keep yourself from bringing it up altogether, or you can accept that her mindset is not yours, nod, acknowledge what she says, but then make your own decisions regarding your caloric intake and exercise.
  • 47Jacqueline
    47Jacqueline Posts: 6,993 Member
    I ignore people who comment on the way I live my life.
  • lieajane
    lieajane Posts: 78 Member
    "I can take a day off, but I don't feel like using my day off today"

    It usually happens when they've made cake for no reason whatsoever. It bugs me that they assume they can make that choice for me, but I suppose it's because they aren't used to the idea that it IS a choice.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    edited March 2015
    Focus on what you need to do, so what rabbit said in how to deal with it. they are background noise once ive understood and am satisfied im proceeding safely. She has a point in a way, tread the line between being focused without being obssessed and overstressing things. That way flexibility makes you more resilient.

    Dont forget to take a rest day at least once a week.
  • sjadev1108
    sjadev1108 Posts: 26 Member
    Thank you all very much!! And when I say "I can't" take a rest day or "cheat/indulge"....I just mean for NOW. Like I said, I'm only 2 months in and I've quit and restarted this journey 100 times, and I want this one to stick, so I'm setting permanent habits. I swear, I feel like I've lost the same 20 pounds 15 different times. I don't want to do that, so I know what I need to do. Just sometimes I feel this need to say to people, "taking your advice would put me back where I started", when, in reality, you are all right, I should ignore and assume it's coming from a good, positive place. Thanks again.
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