How do I tell my husband, that He needs to lose weight?
Robyn405
Posts: 48
Okay guys, I need advice. Backround info: My husband and I have been married 4 years, right out of highschool, highschool sweeties, yadda yadda yadda. With the birth of our son ( and mcdonalds) i ballooned up to 236 lbs. Ever since joining MFP and my active job, ive lost 20 steadily. My husband is about 6ft, and weighs about 245. He doesnt look overweight, but hes a BIG guy. Broad shouldered and thick.
Heres the dilema. My husband is a workaholic, hes the area manager for our local rental car company and has zero time to exercise. He eats horribly. Hes sad for himself when he sees me losing weight and my confidence rising, while being happy for me. Ive asked him numerous times to perhaps drop our son off to daycare a bit early and make use of his gym membership, but he has ZERO motivation. I know that if he just lost a few pounds, that motivation would come! Hes not confident, he hates how he looks and I dont know how to help him
The first few years of our marriage he was a dedicated skateboarder. he tore his ACL and since then, has gained about 50 pounds.
We do tend to do outdoor activities whenever we can, and i always try to mention little ways for him to help himself out ( drink more water, cut back on fast food, etc) without being pushy or anything, because thats the LAST thing i want to do to him. I think hes gorgeous, and he KNOWS i do, but i tell him I just want him to be around for me as long as possible, and taking care of himself is a way to ensure that.
Any tips on how to motivate him? Have any of you been in similar situations? Thanks guys!
Heres the dilema. My husband is a workaholic, hes the area manager for our local rental car company and has zero time to exercise. He eats horribly. Hes sad for himself when he sees me losing weight and my confidence rising, while being happy for me. Ive asked him numerous times to perhaps drop our son off to daycare a bit early and make use of his gym membership, but he has ZERO motivation. I know that if he just lost a few pounds, that motivation would come! Hes not confident, he hates how he looks and I dont know how to help him
The first few years of our marriage he was a dedicated skateboarder. he tore his ACL and since then, has gained about 50 pounds.We do tend to do outdoor activities whenever we can, and i always try to mention little ways for him to help himself out ( drink more water, cut back on fast food, etc) without being pushy or anything, because thats the LAST thing i want to do to him. I think hes gorgeous, and he KNOWS i do, but i tell him I just want him to be around for me as long as possible, and taking care of himself is a way to ensure that.
Any tips on how to motivate him? Have any of you been in similar situations? Thanks guys!
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Replies
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Tell him you love him and ask if you and he can find the time together. Meet him at lunch. He sounds stressed!!! Seeing a smiling face would be wonderful at lunch time.0
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I don't think you can tell him. If you really want him to get motivated, he has to be his own driving force. You can, however, help him without words. Pack lunches for him, sit next to him with a healthy snack to share, ask him to help you by going for a walk together and chatting about anything but weight-loss.
No matter how delicately or how well-meaning you are, he still may feel guilt or negativity about weight-loss when you broach the subject. He will go for it when he's ready.0 -
Oh my gosh. I was JUST asking myself this today! Since I started seeing some real success on MFP I notice how horrible my huband's food choices are. He is about 6' tall and HE says he weighs 225 but NO WAY....I'm thinkin' 245-ish. He's chubbin' in the face and the gut and I'm starting to worry for his health. Funny but I never worried before I started losing weight pretty steadily. I was hoping my choices would influence him, but they aren't. As I type this he's eating a huge piece of cake and a Pepsi. [sigh]0
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Sometimes its tough to motivate someone else when they dont want to do it. They have to want to it for themselves. My fiance was on MFP and fell off the band wagon and it upsets me because he was making some progress.
I guess just try to implement healthy meals at home, and try to encourage and support him as much as you can!0 -
Cook healthy meals at home, get groceries that allow him to take a lunch to work, exercise with him.0
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Encourage him to start with small steps. Maybe while eating fast food he should get diet soda or water. Then he can slowly get smaller size meals or start going to places that offer healthier choices. Pretty much, if you can encourage him to make ever ONE small change...it might motivate him to make even more good changes!!0
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can you pack him a lunch? put a little love note in it. I always told my husband that his lunch was packed with love.0
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Oh my gosh. I was JUST asking myself this today! Since I started seeing some real success on MFP I notice how horrible my huband's food choices are. He is about 6' tall and HE says he weighs 225 but NO WAY....I'm thinkin' 245-ish. He's chubbin' in the face and the gut and I'm starting to worry for his health. Funny but I never worried before I started losing weight pretty steadily. I was hoping my choices would influence him, but they aren't. As I type this he's eating a huge piece of cake and a Pepsi. [sigh]
This sounds so familiar, to the point of him even kind of making me WEAK lol. He bought dr pepper cherry today, knowing im on an all water kick.. and it makes it hard on both of us. I looked at him without a shirt on the other day, REALLY too a good look at his tummy and I worry for him. Hes got a 6 pack, a 6 pack of beer! lol.0 -
What really got my hubby into it was me showing him that I could be on a "diet" and still eat things that taste good. I encouraged him to try new things, and packed some lunches for him so he could eat healthy while being a super busy college student. We are working right now on making the gym a priority before we've got kids to care for, but maybe see if there is any possible way that you could find a sitter for a couple hours and go with him to the gym? Or if your gym has childcare, even better, but a lot of them don't.
A lot of people seem to be skeptical of eating healthy because of the bad stigma it's given. I proved that I could still eat healthy and have a burger that tastes good, that was enough convincing for my hubby. Good luck to you!!0 -
^ ^
I have an elliptical machine but the majority of my cardio is from simple walking. I do at least 40 minutes at 3.0 mph a night and the results have been amazing.
I'd show him exactly how easy it is to follow MFP including the exercise entries. I was amazed to see the calorie burns from doing things as simple as gardening, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow. If he kept track of calories consumed and calories burned, I think he would see how easy it can be to drop the weight. I could think of some mean ways but that doesn't help and nagging sure didn't help me. If you can catch him in a very uncomfortable pose (usually sitting) and snap a picture, that might shock him into starting. That's what got me motivated. I saw a pic of me that someone took on their cell phone and I was shocked. I never really realized how fat I had gotten. It's on my refrigerator now.0 -
I don't think you can tell him. If you really want him to get motivated, he has to be his own driving force. You can, however, help him without words. Pack lunches for him, sit next to him with a healthy snack to share, ask him to help you by going for a walk together and chatting about anything but weight-loss.
No matter how delicately or how well-meaning you are, he still may feel guilt or negativity about weight-loss when you broach the subject. He will go for it when he's ready.
This is so true. If a month ago, someone tried to approach me about my fat butt, chances are I would have flipped out on em. I guess I can be there for him when he needs me, and try to encourage him as much as I can when hes ready. I also like the making him lunch Idea, i could def do that. Whether he stops for a burger on the way home tho, remains to be seen ;P 0 -
Im in the same situation, but I've been married 16 yrs, I have always watched my weight and tried to eat healthy and my husband eats junk, doesn't exercise and is a workaholic!!!! I plain out tell him that he is overweight and needs to loose weight, the bad thing is he is 45 now and it is starting to affect his health, heart rate has been out of wack lately, blood pressure up, etc. I will cook healthy for him, then on his way from work, him and his crew will stop off at a huddle house or whatever and eat junk, come in with doughnuts, cake's u name it, he has it. I think what it boils down to and know that you don't want to hear this, is he is basically going to have to decide on his own that he wants to make a life style change, untill then, all you can do is exactly what your doing now. It's hard and it takes somebody who really really wants to make a change. Good luck, ive been trying, I would say for the past ten yrs!! Lol0
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My husband finally got on board when I brought home a scale. But after he realized his weight and was unhappy about it, he wasn't sure what to do about it and quite frankly did nothing. So, one night, I drew him a bath and washed his back. We had a nice conversation and it led into "the discussion". I told him I would help him. I even told him I would create him a MFP account and do all his logging for him b/c he hates that kind of thing. Now, he gets on the excercise bike while watching his favorite shows, and I pack his breakfast and lunch the night before (because I'm not about to get up at 5am to fix him meals!). He's down 16 pounds and is beginning to put a lot more effort into his weight loss. But I think your hubby just has to decide he's fed up. (BTW my husband tore his ACL in high school and the excercise bike and regular bike riding work best for him!)0
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I feel with you! My husband and I are in almost the same situation, married right out of HS and all (but we're going on 16 years now). He is also 6' and currently weighs about 245. Doesn't look as bad as a lot of people I see, but I definitely notice the difference between now and when we got married (he was 190 then).
I've been telling him for years, begging him, really, to do something about his weight. I've told him that I love him no matter what but I would love to be turned on again by just looking him. I've challenged him to loose weight with me. All sorts of things. He starts up and then falls off the wagon.
What finally did it was when we were at his family's party and his dad had to leave early yet again because of severe back pain. I looked at my husband that night, and told him I am scared to death of that being him in 20 years (they have almost the exact same body style, long torso, all the weight right in the front). I think that was a wakeup call for him. That, and his brother just started MFP and convinced all the brothers and wives to give it a try too.
Don't know if that will help you any. The biggest thing was that it was it was as much his idea (from his brother) as mine.0 -
Ask him to join you in walks around the neighborhood or at the park take your son with you and just tell him you would feel better if he came with you0
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Hmm, I am not married, but when I started MFP I didn't have a job and was living with my parents (who are both overweight) so I can relate. Basically I think you can't make someone be motivated. How did you arrive at your own motivation? Were there people who tried to push you in that direction? What helped you? I think if you read through the newbie section and read what is motivating people to start you might get some ideas.
But, if talking has not helped matters back off on that, because that could make him feel worse. Try just cooking delicious healthy meals you can all enjoy together, but don't point out how healthy it is. He will be able to tell I am sure. Pack a healthy and delicious lunch, and put a sweet "I miss you and love you" note in there with it.
Prepare healthy snacks to keep in the fringe or the counter (Like carrot sticks and hummus, apples and peanut butter...). Make sure you have some healthy munchies around the house all the time where he will see them, but don't ask him to eat them instead of chips. Just start eating some and offer him half or whatever.
Someone else mentioned this, but asking him to go on walks with you could be good too. Don't label it exercise, tell him you want to go on a romantic walk just before dusk.
I think if you do these things for him without talking about WHY then he will start to have good associations with all the healthy things and may even start to notice his body feels better after a week or two. Don't put pressure on him to do any of this for himself though, just make him feel special and loved and he might find the motivation there 0 -
Robyn,
You know him best so you know if you can come out and say it or if you need to be more slick about it. I agree with you that success is it's own motivator so you just need to help him get the ball rolling. If he was a skater, and is a manager/workaholic, I have a feeling that once he gets a hold of something, he'll run with it.
One-third of the time I spend coaching seems to go to time management. Surely he isn't crammed 24/7/365! When do you get family time in? What do you do as a family? If you have a television, you have time to workout! Start by turning it off! Make him take a walk with you and the kids after dinner. Take the kids to the local play ground and play with them on the monkey bars for a while; this is the start of pull-ups. Step this up on the weekends by looking for short hikes up fair hills. Not being able to keep up with your kids can be a great motivator for us middle-aged men! Gettign winded will force him to admit and vocalize, "I have got to get myself in shape." BAM! You got'im!
Each time he joins you on this, make sure to give him rewards that he can appreciate. Ever read the Five Love Languages? Read it! He receives positive feedback best via one of the following:
1. Words of Praise
2. Physical touch
3. Gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Quality Time- if this were his love language, he wouldn't miss a trip!
Use one of these techniques to let him know how much it means to you that he joined you even for something small at first.
Once that's in motion, maybe consider a home workout program like P90X. The moves are modifiable and there is a one-legged man doing the most serious leg workout so I doubt the ACL will stand as an excuse. These programs are great because you don't have to leave your home, you get max results in minimum time, you don't need to tolerate the hassle of a gym, and many of them require little or no equipment (see INSANITY by the makers of P90X). I brought P90X home for my wife and I several years ago and it has changed our life together.
Keep with the praise in the way he receives it best!
As for time management, you may ask him his priorities. Have him rank them in order of what's most important to him. Is health on this list in any form? Later, ask him to check his calendar and assess how much time he spends on each of these priorities. If he spends the most time on the least important thing, it will be an eye opener. If health is on the list but he spends no time towards it, he will have to face that.
I find that after this exercise, it's easier to get a person to budget their time proactively rather than letting time boss them around. Time is just like money: You tell it what you're going to do with it or it tells you what's left over. Looking at your time budgeting proactively, it's easier for a person to look at their calendar and say, "no matter what, I am going to wake up early and exercise 30 minutes per day."
Feel free to friend me if you would like me to expand on any of this. Otherwise look us up on Facebook, my wife and I are in the habit of helping people with problems just like this.
Jeff and Gena
facebook.com/tillamookfitness0 -
I'm glad you're concerned for his health. However, it's really hard to hear from your spouse "you should change."
Set a good example, provide healthy alternatives, and (in my opinion) don't criticise or offer helpful suggestions. Pay attention to him, and don't tell him "you know you should change X so i will like you better." I know - you don't think you're saying that, but from his eyes/ears when you say "change" he hears "so I will like you."
Anyway, my opinion.
My wife has tried for years to get me to lose weight, but I steadily gained. I heard all the sermons and lectures about what I "should" eat and drink. I just got resentful.
What got me to change was the alarm over the way I look and the way I actually feel.
Good luck. It really will work out - and I'm glad you care so much for your husband.0 -
bump0
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"I looked at him without a shirt on the other day, REALLY too a good look at his tummy and I worry for him. Hes got a 6 pack, a 6 pack of beer! lol."
Am I the only one feeling bad for her husband?
To the op: Did he talk about you like that on a public forum before you decided it was time to start losing weight? Sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't seem like a kind thing for one to say about her husband.0 -
I'm with you Isd0070
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haha I have a REALLY open relationship with my hubs... I said "hunny, I'm gonna be all sexy and skinny and well... I guess your just gonna be fat." after some denial and excuse making i told him that his health was his choice and now he's agreed tomorrow he will start "dieting" with me. Perhaps a less up front approach but simple telling him your concerned maybe a better approach. Heart disease runs in my husbands family and mine so we agreed when we got married to eat healthy, we just failed a little.0
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"I looked at him without a shirt on the other day, REALLY too a good look at his tummy and I worry for him. Hes got a 6 pack, a 6 pack of beer! lol."
Am I the only one feeling bad for her husband?
To the op: Did he talk about you like that on a public forum before you decided it was time to start losing weight? Sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't seem like a kind thing for one to say about her husband.
I think this might fall under the whole if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything.
I was surprised, but you know what? I don't know ANYTHING about their marriage, and I trust the OP does know something about her marriage, and her husband. Don't be so judgmental.0 -
"I looked at him without a shirt on the other day, REALLY too a good look at his tummy and I worry for him. Hes got a 6 pack, a 6 pack of beer! lol."
Am I the only one feeling bad for her husband?
To the op: Did he talk about you like that on a public forum before you decided it was time to start losing weight? Sorry, I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't seem like a kind thing for one to say about her husband.
Not really. She was worried for him, the rest is called humor. Its not like any of us personally know him. I have an entire blog based on my marital problems. My hubby found it one day because I accidentally left it up and he laughed about it.
Man my husband was honest with me when i was getting fat. I'd say "man I am fat I need to lose some weight and he'd publicly say "YEP You do! Your butt is huge" or he'd say "I like em big!" its called making light of a somewhat hard situation. My husband had washboard abs and a hard muscle body when we med. Now he is a marshmallow. Its life. God forbid we poke fun at getting fat on a public forum.0 -
You could tell him that you're struggling with your own weight loss efforts and tell him that you would like him to support your efforts by joining you. If he's not motivated to do it for himself, maybe he'd be willing to do it for you?0
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Exciting Update! My husband is going to start P90X this week when the weights and resistance bands come in the mail! A co-worker has the dvd set that we can borrow FREE! Who knows, I might even try P90X too :]0
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