Best Friend Weightloss Jealousy

vannaly92
vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
in Motivation and Support
One of my best friends is jealous of my weightloss almost to the point of being hateful. While I've lost 32 pounds so far while she has gained that and more. I've tried introducing her to mfp and encourage her to walk with me to help her fitness level but im not about to control what she eats. It's starting to get to the point where if i buy a new pair of yoga pants or a new shirt (I finally fit a size small) she tells me i can't because it makes HER feel bad. Any Help?

Replies

  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited April 2015
    Stop talking about your weight loss, and stop trying to give her tips. She's got the info if she wants it, heck, it's a 5 second google if she wants to do it.

    Seriously - just never talk about weight or workouts or food with her again. It probably does make her feel bad. Come to MFP if you want to share that stuff.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    You can't fix people. People change when they want to and they're ready.
  • vannaly92
    vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
    I'm far from trying to change her. She asked me about what i do so i told her once but it's the change you can see that keeps her so mad. I don't ever push my food or eating habits on her and she mentions my clothing sizes.
  • bself0128
    bself0128 Posts: 29 Member
    There is very little you can do to fix her low self esteem and poor self image.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    vannaly92 wrote: »
    It's starting to get to the point where if i buy a new pair of yoga pants or a new shirt (I finally fit a size small) she tells me i can't because it makes HER feel bad. Any Help?

    Yeah, tell her to support you like a real friend or find a new person to boss around.
  • vannaly92
    vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
    It just makes me feel so bad for wanting to enjoy my weightloss. Am i never allowed to bring it up? I'm just finding it hard to understand. Everyone else in my family is so proud of me and happy for me.
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    She's jealous and being a *kitten* about it. You don't need that negativity about this great thing you're doing for yourself. Talk to her about how this is making you feel and then if she can't be supportive you know she's not a real friend.
  • bonniefireandice
    bonniefireandice Posts: 2 Member
    I know how you feel, because I had a best friend that got jealous of me when I was losing weight. I had to break my ties with her, because it was getting to the point I would sabotage my own efforts to keep her happy. True friends are happy for their friends to succeed. Don't let her negativity affect you. Don't give your happiness up to please another person. If she wants to change she will. Don't feel guilty about your success, because that's what she wants to do to you, and that is make you feel guilty. Keep going toward your goal, and I wish you good luck.
  • aaliceinw
    aaliceinw Posts: 747 Member
    vannaly92 wrote: »
    One of my best friends is jealous of my weightloss almost to the point of being hateful. While I've lost 32 pounds so far while she has gained that and more. I've tried introducing her to mfp and encourage her to walk with me to help her fitness level but im not about to control what she eats. It's starting to get to the point where if i buy a new pair of yoga pants or a new shirt (I finally fit a size small) she tells me i can't because it makes HER feel bad. Any Help?

    It sounds like it may be time to move on from the friendship. You have made a commitment to yourself and kept yo it. A true friend would honour that and not put you down for the way it makes her feel. Especially since you are making healthy choices. Does your friend also put others down others down and are you okay with that?
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    To be fair, she may not realize how she's coming across. She may just be jealous or worried you'll find new thinner friends and move on... whatever.

    I suggest talking to her about it before you make any extreme actions... but I WOULD deal with it. It's not a healthy relationship.
  • vannaly92
    vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
    I'm not sure if she is this judgemental to others. It seems to only be me. I honestly would have no patience for her if i caught her judging others like this but i love her like a sister and it's hard to let go. I'm supposed to be her freaking maid of honor next year. ..
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited April 2015
    vannaly92 wrote: »
    It just makes me feel so bad for wanting to enjoy my weightloss. Am i never allowed to bring it up? I'm just finding it hard to understand. Everyone else in my family is so proud of me and happy for me.

    Nope, don't bring it up with her. If you have a lot of people who are happy for you, get what you need from them. Your friend obviously has issues. That's why I'm saying, this should just not be a topic between you at all (if you care about the friendship). Don't talk about your sizes, nothing on those lines at all.

    Next time she brings it up, say something like, "I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk about this. I care about you, and it seems like this is touching a sore spot, and I don't wish for you to feel bad. If you want support, I can try to help - if you don't, it's totally up to you. You're still my friend no matter what." (If you feel that way)

    Some people do feel envious, because weight is a touchy subject for most, but that doesn't mean they don't still have good qualities. Not everyone's in a place where they can do what you're doing. Better to accept that.

    If you feel more comfortable around other people who are fit or losing weight, spend some more time with them for now, but if this friend means something to you, don't let it get between you.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited April 2015
    I'm saying this because I was super excited about my weight loss. I noticed some friends getting weird. (Not rude or whiny or anything, just obviously uncomfortable.) Turned out, I talked about it much more than I thought I did. My friends (older than yours) work 9-5 (sometimes 9-9), some have kids, they're married, they're just not in the headspace to do it. So I learned to shut up about this around them. There were still other things to talk about.
  • LoveMyBabes3
    LoveMyBabes3 Posts: 53 Member
    Don't let her jealousy stop you. If you are truly that good of friends then next time she says something just let her know it is hurtful. Talking about your feelings can help and who knows maybe that will inspire her to get healthy for her wedding. :)
  • vannaly92
    vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
    I'm not the type of person to take **** but we have been friends for so long and this situation is soo frustrating. I'd rather talk to her straight out rather than avoiding the subject. I've worked my *** off on this. So if it comes up again I guess we will have to talk about it.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    When she mentions weight loss, clothing size and so on, just tell her that u don't want to discuss those topics with her anymore. When she asks why, just remind her of how angry she got in the past over your success and that u don't want her to get upset.
    She may then realize how angry she was being and it might start to sink in .
    It sounds like she's very jealous right now and just isn't ready to begin herself yet . I've been in her shoes, I will admit that I used to get so jealous and upset to see my friends in bikinis. One day I realized that I needed to put in the work necessary and that I too could achieve that.
    But until she's truly ready, there's not much that can be done besides avoid the conversations for now. She likely doesn't realize how awful she's behaving.
  • vannaly92
    vannaly92 Posts: 23 Member
    Thank you everyone for the support. I'm not about to avoid the situation so she and i will be having a talk when we both seem ready. Wish me luck. And good wishes to everyone on their journeys. May you have as much support as you've given me.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    thorsmom01 wrote: »
    When she mentions weight loss, clothing size and so on, just tell her that u don't want to discuss those topics with her anymore. When she asks why, just remind her of how angry she got in the past over your success and that u don't want her to get upset.
    She may then realize how angry she was being and it might start to sink in .
    It sounds like she's very jealous right now and just isn't ready to begin herself yet . I've been in her shoes, I will admit that I used to get so jealous and upset to see my friends in bikinis. One day I realized that I needed to put in the work necessary and that I too could achieve that.
    But until she's truly ready, there's not much that can be done besides avoid the conversations for now. She likely doesn't realize how awful she's behaving.

    I'm sure that's true. She just gained a whack of weight, just got engaged, has the stress of planning a wedding, I'm sure other stuff's going on. Eh, try to see things from her perspective. When she gets moody about your size or whatever, change the topic and then in a bit focus on something positive she's doing. Seriously, just let this drop.
  • Lrdoflamancha
    Lrdoflamancha Posts: 1,280 Member
    Drop her like a hot rock... You don't need that crap.
  • dawniemate
    dawniemate Posts: 395 Member
    i dont think i would class her as a friend !! keep up the good work you earned it..x
  • monkey246
    monkey246 Posts: 30 Member
    vannaly92 wrote: »
    I'm not sure if she is this judgemental to others. It seems to only be me. I honestly would have no patience for her if i caught her judging others like this but i love her like a sister and it's hard to let go. I'm supposed to be her freaking maid of honor next year. ..

    Those who are upset/angry/jealous always take it out on the ones closest to them.
    Sit her down and say... I feel like you hate me for losing weight. Be blunt and honest. As everyone has said - if she only likes you the way you were and not the way you are now - she's not a true friend.

    Hope that helps and good luck :)
  • silencioesoro
    silencioesoro Posts: 318 Member
    Like you said, it's time to talk to her about it. I had a friend a lot like yours, I had to explain that this wasn't being done for her- but for me. If she couldn't handle it, then too bad - it's still for me.

    <3 I hope the talk turns out well.
  • NoIdea101NoIdea
    NoIdea101NoIdea Posts: 659 Member
    I would say just don't bring it up in front of her.....for example, if you said you were buying a new shirt and yoga pants because you needed a size small, that may be a no-no. But if you just say 'oh, I just want to pop in here to buy some new clothes as mine are getting a bit baggy', and she still has a problem....then, I can totally see your point.

    I used to be the skinny one in our group of friends, but over the past year or so I've gained about 30lbs, and as I've done that, my friends all seem to be losing weight so now I'm the 'fat' one. There is one friend in particular who loves to brag about how much weight she has lost. My reaction? Let her! She worked hard and looks fab!

    However, we were discussing our weight one evening and I was saying how enough is enough for me, I've hit 9st and a half and it is time to lose the weight. She then came out with how she thought 8-9st was a healthy weight for our size, with a snide, side glance at me. She was basically calling me a 'dangerous weight', or as my insecure mind set interpreted it, fat. And it hurt, and I was angry at the fact that she had lost weight and I was allowing her to enjoy it, but now she was thinner than me she felt it OK to judge and deem me 'not worthy' almost. (By the way, we're 5ft 3 so my weight is still in the healthy BMI range). It wasn't that long ago she was well over 9st.

    So, I can understand it from both points of view; on the one hand it feels great to lose weight and you want to shout it form the rooftops and you want everyone to be happy for you and they should be! But on the other hand, if your friend is gaining weight whilst you're losing, I can see how that must be hard for her. Granted, she doesn't seem to be doing anything to combat that, but it can be a very hard 'first step' to take when you're feeling really low about the amount of weight you have put on and like you will never be skinny again.

    My advice is to not be blatant about it around her, and stop trying to get her to lose weight. If she is attacking you for losing weight though, and you really are trying not to be so blatant about it, I would suggest staying away form her for a bit, as you don't need that negativity bringing you down when you are doing so well!
  • Trishy2012
    Trishy2012 Posts: 6 Member
    Understandably there could be jealousy if one friend is losing while the other battles but seriously no matter what your friend should put the jealousy aside and support and be happy for you. I wouldn't throw your success in her face all the time which I'm sure you don't do but you shouldn't be made to feel that you can't share your success with her.... She is your friend after all and that's what friends do. Hopefully she starts to feel better about herself and can find motivation from your success. Best of luck with your goal and your friend :)
  • Chezzie84
    Chezzie84 Posts: 873 Member
    vannaly92 wrote: »
    I'm not sure if she is this judgemental to others. It seems to only be me. I honestly would have no patience for her if i caught her judging others like this but i love her like a sister and it's hard to let go. I'm supposed to be her freaking maid of honor next year. ..

    Think you may have hit the nail on the head.
    Sounds like she is worried that you will look better than she does on her wedding day.

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