proud of myself

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kbkat7
kbkat7 Posts: 28 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I let my journal show red today, for some this might not seem significant but for me it was huge... I have struggled with an ED for the past two years but have really been trying to recover recently. the idea of going over my calorie goal often causes me huge anxiety and results in me not tracking honestly, tonight I found myself feeling a little sad and lonely and beginning to binge, I reached for almonds, pretzels, hummus, chocolate.. really anything I had. I know these are all generally healthy foods but I was par taking in purely emotional eating and if I had had a pizza in the house I would have devoured that!! mid way through the mindless eating I stopped I realized I was not hungry but more just sad/hurt/angry/ overall feeling emotional. Once I realized what I was doing and that I was mid binge I knew I had two choices, either one revert to my old habits of purging or two make a change. I PICKED THE LATER, I took a deep breath asked myself why I was doing this/what was causing these feelings and then decided to go track what I ate, in reality I had not even consumed that much food which definitely helped with the guilt, and I was able to avoid making myself vomit THIS FELT AMAZING.. anyway I'm going to be for the night having eaten 400 calories over my limit, and having "broken" my own personal guidelines of not eating after 9 (or dinner and dessert) and rather than being mad at myself I'm actually quite happy I resisted the urge to purge I told me ED to suck it and I AM AWESOME
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Replies

  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,150 Member
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    Great job!
  • galaxie_gurl
    galaxie_gurl Posts: 38 Member
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    That's amazing! It sounds like you had a real breakthrough tonight!! I'm glad you were able to make those connections and forgive yourself!!
  • kbkat7
    kbkat7 Posts: 28 Member
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    thank you both :) know it might not seem like much to some, but having had food control my life for as long as I can remember it was a really relieving and encouraging moment
  • eyeofnewt555
    eyeofnewt555 Posts: 47 Member
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    Go you!!! That's amazing and you should absolutely be proud.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,943 Member
    edited April 2015
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    Congratulations on your success. That is wonderful. :)

    However......

    Please tell me you are under a doctor's care for your ED.

    As someone who battled bulimia when I was in my early twenties after my mother died, stopped cold turkey, and have the urge to come back in my thirties after a divorce, I can tell you that you must be in treatment. When the urges came back, I did not give in but called my doctor and got into a treatment program immediately.

    You cannot do this alone.
  • Diana_GettingFit
    Diana_GettingFit Posts: 458 Member
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    Yes you are! Chalk that up as a WIN!
  • uvi5
    uvi5 Posts: 710 Member
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    Fantastic! Breakthrough!
  • LovingLife_Erin
    LovingLife_Erin Posts: 328 Member
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    Well done! That is something to be very very proud of! :)
  • shadowfax_c11
    shadowfax_c11 Posts: 1,942 Member
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    Excellent! It is so difficult to overcome the emotional and psychological issues related to food. I know I struggle with this every day myself. You have much to be proud of. :)
  • ArvinSloane
    ArvinSloane Posts: 80 Member
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    Go you!!! That is a SUPER MAJOR accomplishment. It's awesome that you wrote it down--remember how great you feel now, next time you feel those sad/hurt/angry feelings. You have just proven that you are stronger than your ED and you can do this!
  • dawnmcneil10
    dawnmcneil10 Posts: 638 Member
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    This is a fantastic thing, you should be very proud of yourself!
  • crazyjerseygirl
    crazyjerseygirl Posts: 1,252 Member
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    kbkat7 wrote: »
    I let my journal show red today, for some this might not seem significant but for me it was huge... I have struggled with an ED for the past two years but have really been trying to recover recently. the idea of going over my calorie goal often causes me huge anxiety and results in me not tracking honestly, tonight I found myself feeling a little sad and lonely and beginning to binge, I reached for almonds, pretzels, hummus, chocolate.. really anything I had. I know these are all generally healthy foods but I was par taking in purely emotional eating and if I had had a pizza in the house I would have devoured that!! mid way through the mindless eating I stopped I realized I was not hungry but more just sad/hurt/angry/ overall feeling emotional. Once I realized what I was doing and that I was mid binge I knew I had two choices, either one revert to my old habits of purging or two make a change. I PICKED THE LATER, I took a deep breath asked myself why I was doing this/what was causing these feelings and then decided to go track what I ate, in reality I had not even consumed that much food which definitely helped with the guilt, and I was able to avoid making myself vomit THIS FELT AMAZING.. anyway I'm going to be for the night having eaten 400 calories over my limit, and having "broken" my own personal guidelines of not eating after 9 (or dinner and dessert) and rather than being mad at myself I'm actually quite happy I resisted the urge to purge I told me ED to suck it and I AM AWESOME

    Holy crap on a cracker that is AWESOME!!!!
  • SBRRepeat
    SBRRepeat Posts: 384 Member
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    Seriously awesome job!
    I know exactly how hard that is. Stopping mid binge is an incredible feat of willpower. Stopping a purge is even harder. You are a rockstar, m'dear!

    I do agree with SLLRunner's post about being in regular therapy. ED can come raging back with a vengeance if not properly treated.
  • missvaleriebardot
    missvaleriebardot Posts: 7
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    That takes a lot of strength! Be Super proud of yourself because all of us are too!!
  • threnjen
    threnjen Posts: 687 Member
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    OP that is really great. Good on you :) That sounds like a huge mental breakthrough! Keep up the great work.
  • fairy2b
    fairy2b Posts: 126 Member
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    WAY TO GO!!!! I'm SOOO happy for you darling! This is a HUGE step in healing, and you are doing AWESOME!! We all support you and are rooting for you! Remember: Be kind to yourself. You got this. Each day is a new begining towards a new you. Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself. <3 *hugs*
  • davis978
    davis978 Posts: 103 Member
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    I'm proud of you too! Good for you for being in the moment, identifying your pattern, and stopping it. That's really hard, and you did it!

    I echo the earlier comments about therapy and support though.
  • dswope85
    dswope85 Posts: 9 Member
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    that's awesome
  • KelGen02
    KelGen02 Posts: 668 Member
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    Proud of you!! I don't even know you but I do have friends who have struggled with ED so I can certainly understand what a great achievement this was for you! You took the bull by the horn and won!!! GREAT JOB!!!!! Always remember, tomorrow is a new day!!! ;)
  • kbkat7
    kbkat7 Posts: 28 Member
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    thank you all so so so much!! for those of you who mentioned therapy, I do see an ED specialist regularly as well as reach out to my mom for support :) thank you all for caring and for being so kind! it means the world

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