At a complete loss. Breaking point.

just stop doing what you don't want to do and start doing what you want to do, it's all in your head, do those people eat for you? no.. so do what you want to do and what makes you happiest and healthiest. simple as that

Stop focusing on yourself so much in general.

I also completely obsess over food and my weight and everything else. I have never enjoyed eating, it is just something I do because you have to if you want to stay alive. My issue is that if it were up to me I would live on DQ cookie dough Blizzards and cheese pizza with no sauce because those are the only 2 foods that actually make me even a little bit healthy. But, I can't eat those and stay thin, so I skip them completely and then torture myself by binging on them for a week or two every few months. It's a vicious cycle. I don't know if it ever gets better. I know logging made me more obsessed and then exercising constantly made it even worse and now I am where I am and I don't know how to get out. A lot of people can do all this stuff and not ever get to a bad place and then there are those of us who are stuck in a bad spot forever. It's frustrating and disheartening and makes me wish that humans were meant to be fat so we could just eat what we want and be happy and not obsess over our bodies and what clothing sizes we wear. I went from a 14 to a 6 and now I am scared to death that if I eat anything I won't fit into my 6's anymore, so I am super careful about my calories and about exercise. I went from wearing a large to wearing a small in shirts and so my obsession there is the same.

I've battled eating disorders since I was 9 years old. Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in things like this? There is a lot that goes along with eating disorders aside from the obvious and maybe it will help to have someone who understands and can talk to you in depth. You are battling a lot of emotions and problems in your head and it may help to have someone to talk to. I know it may seem embarrassing or pointless, but it really can feel like a weight has been lifted. Its at least worth a shot.

If you are 120 pounds and 5'5 you are not fat by any stretch of the imagination. You definitely seem to still be in the throws of your eating disorder in regards to your perception of your body. Please keep working with a specialist.

beekay098 wrote: »

I feel coated in this layer of fat that feels so alien to me. It doesn’t look right on me. I am so uncomfortable in this body

From your description, from the reaction of your family and friends, from the words you use above, it sure sounds like you do have a problem; but, not one that can be solved with the help of a weight loss and fitness app like MFP, or with the help of random strangers in a random internet forum.

And as you've already discovered, your family and friends have tried their best, yet they have not been able to help you move forward!

If you are wondering whether you should be talking to your doctor about how you view your body and your relationship with food, the simple answer is that YES, you should!

Please try to talk to a pro!

You used to be in tune with your hunger cues. Then by dieting (aggressively, possibly not eating when you were actually hungry?) and feeling like you had to eat more than you were hungry for, or perhaps when you weren't hungry, you lost touch with your hunger cues.

You used to be able to intuitively eat the right amount of foods for your body. Now you have come to think of some foods as forbidden. Or dangerous, but that only makes you want them more often and in greater quantities than you would naturally eat. This actually had almost nothing to do with willpower, really. It's something else.

You have an internal dialogue, not an unusual one, but yours seems a bit extreme, that the body you have, no matter what size, is not good enough. You can see, looking back, that this thinking was incorrect in the past. It's not correct now. It's the only body you have. It does amazing things for you every day. When you go through life enjoying it less because your body doesn't feel right, you miss out on so much. You put off living properly until the day when your body is just right and then you think you can start living properly at last. The thing is, even at the perfect size, life isn't perfect. You know that already. You've been there, and still weren't satisfied.

This is all disordered thinking, about food, and about your body. There are lots of books out there about just this. "Overcoming Overeating" by Hirschmann and Munter is fabulous, simple and comforting. Even if it's not the help you need right now, I think reading it will make you feel better about yourself. You seem to be well aware of what your problem is, which is a great start so reading one them and properly applying the techniques (some of them are scary, like eating all you want of your favourite foods) might be all you need to help you get back in touch with your hunger and return to your natural size. Which may be a 00. It may be the size you are now, which there's actually nothing wrong with. You're a normal size. Your thinking about your size, however, is not normal.

I think your problem might be more serious than this though, as your unhappiness about your weight seems out of proportion to your actual weight gain. The problem might be much more complicated, linked to issues that you aren't even aware have anything to do with food and fat. You might have an inkling of what they are. There are lots of professionals who deal with disordered thinking, especially around food and weight. There is no shame in seeing one. In my experience, the strongest, most impressive people are the ones who see they have a problem, accept it, and get the help they need to fix it.

Edited to add: I am fat. I'm 40 now, and have been fat since I was 8. I've been a more normal size before, but never thin. So I'm not quite like you. But I have a long history of disordered eating and I recognise my life in a lot of what you say. I've worked on this on and off for the past 12 years, and I'm working on it again now. I can tell you that it does get better. But how much is directly proportional to how much help you are able to accept, how much you are willing to find other help if the help you are getting isn't working, and how much of the necessary work you are able to do.

See a therapist. For real, see a therapist.

First of all, being super thin "your whole life" is pretty meaningless when you're mostly taking about prepubescence. So the first thing you need to recognize is that an adult body is naturally going to want to weigh more. There will be changes in your body fat distribution throughout your life. So you have to make some adjustments in your lifestyle. But trying to maintain a teenage body isn't reasonable for most people. What you want is to have a strong and attractive woman's body.

Second, if you have aesthetic goals, maybe start focusing on training for health and musculature vs dieting for body weight. Think fit and strong vs skinny. Training vs dieting means eating healthy for fuel, not starving yourself. It's just a different mindset, and it could help you tune into what your body really needs to be healthy. Lift weights!

Third, talking to a qualified therapist could help you adjust and recover from whatever you've put yourself through as far as your body image and eating habits.