Social life and pressure from friends

shoshona26 · May 2011

I have an issue and I am not quite sure how to handle it. I have skinny and not so skinny friends alike and both seem to be really unsupportive of my weight loss journey. I know they are not purposely trying to saboutage it because we all care about eachother, but I am not really sure why they feel it's necessary to make it so hard.

I know there is a lot of people out there say if your friends are supportive, they aren't your real friends but the truth is we all have our own body image hang ups and it's unfair to jusge them. In my current position, if I saw a friend dropping a significant amount of weight I would probably be jealous too, but I'd like to think it would motivate me to dive into the journey with them.

Anyway, so here's my problem: At my age (27) my whole social life revovles around eating and drinking. I do belly dance and other go to grad school, but I just haven't made any connections at either place yet. I like to hike and be active and so does my boyfriend, but there never seems to be enough time in a week. When my friends want to go out to eat I try and suggest places that I know have healthy options, but they always pressure me to eat the appetizer or have "just one more drink." I feel like just saying no once should be enough, but then they say I'm not fun on a diet. The problem is, for me, this isn't supposed to be a diet. It's supposed to be a lifestyle change, so if I'm no fun anymore in their minds once I am not eating and drinking like a fiend, maybe we aren't going to fit into eachother's lives anymore???

Has anyone dealt with this or is currently dealing with this? It's hurtful, but not as hurtful as the thought of losing my friends?

Any advise is appreciated!

All good things,
Shoni

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Fattack · May 2011

Hey, I'm 26, and I met up with some friends this weekend from university, and the next day we all went out for breakfast. There were a few upturned eyebrows as I ordered the greek yoghurt and fruit whilst they ALL picked a fried breakfast, and yeah, I did feel a bit out of place, but the feeling I had afterwards for making a healthy choice was better than anything

The reason your friends probably act weird about it is because you remind them that they could be healthier, and home truths can sometimes hurt! But if they're friends, they won't care when you say no to the appetiser, the extra drink etc. Stick to your guns

Good luck!

brian90 · May 2011

i understand how you feel. Everyone has people like this around you. I go through that all the time. Instead of encouraging you, they try to drag you down. They know they should be doing the same, but try to make you feel bad about it. Do it for yourself and avoid what they say. When you go out, you should be able to find healthier options. Dont let them get to you. You are in this journey for yourself.

emsibun · May 2011

From the point of view of someone who is only a little older than you I think your friends will most likely 'catch up' with you within the next six months to a year and also want to change their lifestyle to be more health conscious.

In the meantime it's your lifestyle change and you are responsible for managing it. We all have our saboteurs and it's not fair to use them as an excuse to do the things we'd really like to do but shouldn't for whatever reason. Stick to your guns - you are no less fun 'on a diet' - you are still you no matter how many appetizers you skip!

:flowerforyou:

sweetiepie31612 · May 2011

I find it best not to tell my friends I'm on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm not having an appetizer because I'm really looking forward to my meal. And I ordered the salad b/c it looked yummy. I'm not having another drink b/c I have to get up early, or I've offered to be the DD. If you tell people you're on a diet, they're just going to feel guily b/c they're not on one and so they're going to try to sabatoge yours. I find it best not to talk about my diet and weightloss unless someone asks.

getsveltEagain · May 2011

Well I tell my friends point blank that this is me... I actually do this with my lifestyle choice about not drinking. I make sure that all my friends know I don't drink and I won't drink. They know and understand this. They don't pressure me to change and accept me for who I am.

Depending on how long you have been "getting healthy", they may think you are going to fall off the wagon. Just stick to your guns and have one drink or one bite of the appetizer... everything in moderation

Prove them wrong that you are making a new lifestyle for yourself and still are fun! :bigsmile:

P.s. make the meal healthier by asking for different cooking options, like grilled chicken instead of fried. Light sauces insteam of cream based. That kind of thing

Creiche · May 2011

Have you sat down with some of these friends one on one and discussed these feelings? They're likely just having trouble adjusting to your new healthy lifestyle and how it makes them feel about themselves, but if they're true friends (which it sounds like they are), they should respond to you telling them how their words and pressure makes you feel. Assure them that you're not judging them when you don't want the app or don't have one more drink when they do, but that they need to meet you halfway on letting it go when you say no to something.

sam363 · May 2011

Have you tried speaking with them one on one before you get into this situation? It might help for them to know that it's not fun for you to go out with them knowing that they are going to tease/pressure you into something that you don't want to do. So instead of them focusing on what you are or are not putting into your body - have conversations focus around other fun topics like movies, funny dancing. If the only thing you have in common is getting hammered and binge eating then I would say start distancing yourself. The good ones will stick.

dosesr4winners20 · May 2011

Hello! I understand where you're coming from. I don't think it's done out of meanness or anything but both of us are young and being super social is part of our age group.Even if this means going out to drink and eat. You can do those things but try to make better choces when you do. I get made fun of by my friends for eating a salad instead of a huge plate of pasta or a burger and fries. I don't care though because the next day I don't have to par take in the "I feel so fat convos" lol! Instead I get to say if only you had a salad too! I also have a super skinny roommate who is always cooking and then saying I made this for you, you can start your diet again tomorrow. I have learned to say thanks but no thanks. Friends come and go, your health doesn't.

stella77 · May 2011

I have a similar issue - with everybody. I don't drink alcohol. Ever. Not for any occasion.
People (friends and strangers alike) just can't handle that for some reason. I can't say no once or twice or three times - sometimes I just have to keep saying no the whole evening long and the drunker they get the pushier they get.
I just keep saying no. And the more they push me the less I want to drink in the first place.
It is annoying.

But I figure - people like for everyone to be just the same - nothing out of the norm is comfortable. If you know what I mean.

As for your friends - they probably don't want anything to change. It makes them feel insecure.

If you can actually stick to your no - I really don't think you need to be too upset with them. I think it is just normal human behavior.

Although extremely annoying!

apenabaz · May 2011

I went through something similar with my friends when we were younger. Whenever someone was on a diet, it would make the rest of us feel guilty. We almost felt like why go out if you can't eat or drink. But, now that we are 34 and want to get healthier, with slower metabolisms and busier lives, we are all on the same page and are very supportive of each other.

So, it doesn't mean they are not good friends, they are just not there yet. Don't tell them you are on a diet. Alternate drinks with water when you go out and don't eat what you don't want to. If you feel pressured, try to just have a bite or half of a portion. Good luck.

ritarampage · May 2011

When I lost a lot of weight in my late teens/early twenties, I lost all (well, most) of my friends. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just being real with you. I never changed who I was, but everyone expected me to be the "fat friend" and to make themselves feel better by looking at me in that light. When I didn't fill that spot anymore, the friendships were ruined. It started with catty comments about what I was eating, then catty comments about how I shouldn't lose anymore weight, then accusations of an eating disorder, then distance, and finally, nothing.

I tried to talk to my friends about it, and that's really all you can do. It was ineffective for me, but maybe you have better people surrounding you than I did.

I can tell you that I have met some absolutely wonderful people since then and have developed friendships that will last, regardless of my size. You need to surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If they can't be there for you during some minor weight loss, what else won't they be supportive through?

SLaw4215 · May 2011

I am much older than you and have not had to deal with this problem but I've read a lot of posts where spouces are insensitive to the other's spouce's attempt to lose weight and that's almost like what you are going through. If there is any one person or couple of people in particular who are making you feel pressured to not stick with your game plan then maybe you should write them an email or have a 1 on 1 conversation with that person and explain that while you value your friendship and times when you hang out, your goal to get healthy is a life-style choice and staying focussed is really hard right now. Tell them what you need from them -- to accept the word "no" the first time you say it because it's hard enough to resist and that you wuold appreciate it if they wouldn't taunt you by saying you're no fun unless you over-indulge because it hurts your feelings. And thinking like a Mother...sometimes these kids of messages go over better to the listener if they feel "needed" so they don't get defensive. Hope that helps....

ESVABelle · May 2011

You're doing this for you. Not your friends. If they can't respect that, send them a text/email and include the Webster's definition of a friend...

lutzsher · May 2011

It is common for most people to be afraid of change, and instead of focusing on how it will affect you these people are only concerned about how your changes will affect them . . . yes it IS selfish but unfortunately quite common.

Rule #1 - you ARE rule #1 because in your life you ARE #1 on the list, so don't allow anyones influence to make decisions for you. I go out socially and have 1 drink and then only water, and I don't eat any unhealthy food including appy's. If anyone gives me one of the comments like you listed I just laugh at them and ignore it. After a while instead of negative comments I realized everyone had a healthy dose of respect for me for "sticking to my guns".

Lead by example. They will come around, and those that don't are really not great friends so you can cross that bridge when you come to it!

Fattack · May 2011

I find it best not to tell my friends I'm on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm not having an appetizer because I'm really looking forward to my meal. And I ordered the salad b/c it looked yummy. I'm not having another drink b/c I have to get up early, or I've offered to be the DD. If you tell people you're on a diet, they're just going to feel guily b/c they're not on one and so they're going to try to sabatoge yours. I find it best not to talk about my diet and weightloss unless someone asks.

I'm going to try this when I eat out - I like the idea of justifying the salad for a reason other than IT'S LOW CALORIE AND HEALTHY - saying it's yummy is far more carefree than "It has 500 calories less than the steak".

sarahenagy · May 2011

My husband is a food pusher - so I live with it day in and day out. He doesn't do it out of malice at all, he can just eat WAY more than I can and in fact needs more calories than I do. If it were up to him we would go out for drinks or ice cream every night of the week. I have made him aware and it has gotten a little better, but he still suggests ice cream at least twice a week and it's very hard to say no.

dlaplume2 · May 2011

Your friends are probably not ready for the change and growing up that you are doing. It is a sad part of life, that we all grow up and our goals change. It's not because of a diet, or losing weight, it is because you are growing into a different person. This is a good thing. It happened to me when I was 21 and the only one of my friends that was married. I didn't go out drinking to get drunk anymore. If your friends are telling you that you are no fun if you are not drinking and eatiling like they are, then that is where their priorities are. Yours are in a different place now. It's not time to say that they aren't true friends or anything, it is just that you need to be more selective in the activities you chose to do with them. They will grow up and come around and then you can hang out again and have a good time.

Best wishes

Behavior_Modification · May 2011

Remember this is a lifestyle change. If your lifestyle revolves around food, you should try to take that out of the equation. I'm 29 and over the last year and a half or so I've definitely had a change in my social life. I still do once in a while meet with friends specifically for dinner, but most of the time it is to take a walk, work out, or do something else active. It allows me to still keep in touch with them, and get in my much needed exercise. Instead of consuming calories, we are burning them off. You need to take care of you and your real friends with be there for you no matter what. :flowerforyou:

Angela_MA · May 2011

Sometimes we as people change and that means our friends change too. I know it is hard, but sometimes lifestyle choices means a complete change, friends can be and usually are included in this.

Now if you do not want to loose your friends then talk to them, tell them that this is important to you and if they understand, support, and agree with your decision then they are good friends and friends you want to keep around. However, if they continually harp on you or try to make you do things you do not want to do, then it is time to say goodbye to those friends. I know people say that no one can make you do things, but peer pressure can be difficult, especially for someone chnaging their current lifestyle.

You do not need people making you feel bad for the decisions you are making in your life, you need to be supported and good friends with support oyur efforts! :happy:

MinnieInMaine · May 2011

I like SweetiePie's suggestion too. It's obviously too late to avoid them knowing you're trying to eat better and exercise but do try to make you're reasoning about your choices less about the "diet" and mroe about other things. My hubby sometimes asks me if I'd like (or downright pressures me to have) another serving or a snack of movie butter popcorn with him. At first it sort of hurt his feelings when I didn't join him in gorging on bad stuff but I tried not to make it about my diet and that seemed to help. I just told him I was full or didn't feel like having popcorn kernels stuck in my teeth.

Take the same approach with your friends...
"hey, have another drink"....."no thanks, I can't handle my liquor like I used to" or "no thanks, hubby and I have plans tomorrow and I don't want to be hungover"

Charlotte012 · May 2011

Well, I can totally relate to that. Actually, I have to say that most of the diets I did in my life failed because of peer or family pressure. Sometimes, they seem to be supportive (my family for example), but they would complain if I ask a healthier choice for dessert or when I control my portions. They often say "just one time won't hurt you!". Well, it does hurt me. Now, I always ask my mom what we gonna eat before I go, I pressure her to cook more veggies and I bring my own dessert (thinsations or low fat yogourt). It is still really hard to be strong and not overeat in a house where I've always been used to be addicted to food.

I usually don't tell my friends I'm on a diet (or on a life change process!) - in part because I know most of them are going to judge me. Most of the time, we meet around food and/or alcohol. And most of the time, there is just no healthy choices. I try to find alternatives. If we do a potluck, I will make sure I bring all healthy options I need. If we go for drinks, I will drink 2 glasses and then sparkling water (I sometimes say I'm on medecine so I cannot drink). I plan my workout around these events, but if I don't have time to workout enough, or if they are going to a burger place, I just say I can't go and I join them later.

I know it's not fun, but I know that if I have 2 dinners and 1 brunch in the weekend, I am not gonna be able to meet my goals, I'm gonna feel disgusting on Monday, and I'm gonna lose all my motivation - that happened to me enough! So I just have to stick to what I need for myself.

Good luck!

Louiselesley · May 2011

hi, i have the exact same problem!

my problem is more to do with the fact i'm normally the 'skinny' friend so when i say something about being on a diet or not wanting to eat that, i normally get laughed at. why would i need to loose weight when i'm already small? i hate that, i really do.

i know they don't mean it in a horrible way but it still hurts. i finally got to the point where i just cracked and ranted for about 20minutes about how maybe they think i'm small but i like to be healthy, not just as a good weight. i enjoy being healthy. i'm happy when i'm healthy!

shoshona26 · May 2011

Thank you all so much! I found this to be almost therapuetic! I will definitely be using many of these suggestions!

boomboom011 · May 2011

I have a similar situtation with 2 of my good friends. One of which I have been able to tell her that Im going to have to limit driveway time (our free therapy with booze where we get together in one of my friend's driveway and vent about our troubles) and it usually ends up with all 3 of us intoxicated. HOWEVER, one of my 2 friends is very supportive but the other one (the overweight one) is always saying "oh come on one more wont hurt". Basically she just doesnt want to drink alone because then she thinks she isnt the only drunk in the group. I finally had to tell her that sitting and drinking beer for hours isnt conducive to my weight loss goal. Dont get me wrong I love going over there but the end result will not be what I really want.

Keep your goal in mind and maybe invite them to go to the gym with you or if they all want to go out to eat offer to have them over for dinner and skinny girl margaritas or something. That way you are not only saving calories you are also saving money. EATING OUT IS EXPENSIVE TO YOUR POCKETBOOK AS WELL AS YOUR WAIST. Everyone is right about people not liking change.

Maybe you have one friend that is really supportive and the two of you can join forces and the others may follow. Dont let it get to you. This too shall pass. Its new and they will eventually get past it. If they dont then cut them loose. Like a quote i heard a while back that says "we dont choose who comes into our lives but we have the choice of who stays". Keep yourself surrounded by positive people.

YvetteBabich · May 2011

I find it best not to tell my friends I'm on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm not having an appetizer because I'm really looking forward to my meal. And I ordered the salad b/c it looked yummy. I'm not having another drink b/c I have to get up early, or I've offered to be the DD. If you tell people you're on a diet, they're just going to feel guily b/c they're not on one and so they're going to try to sabatoge yours. I find it best not to talk about my diet and weightloss unless someone asks.

This. It's best to just keep your mouth shut about your health changes so as not to make other people feel uncomfortable about their own habits. People will accept that you have something to wake up for which is why you don't want to have more drinks, or that you really like salad more than they will enjoy hearing that you are just being healthier than them.

I actually find it pretty funny, I've beeing consciously "dieting" (lifestyle changed) and exercising and making the effort to lose weight without mentioning it or bringing it up to anyone but my mom and almost nobody else for over four months now, and just last weekend, one of my best friends that I hang out with all the time asked me jokingly "what, are you watching your weight?" when I ordered a mixed drink with diet coke at the bar. It made me smile to think that no one really has to know how much effort I've put into losing all this weight, and also that people don't think it's all I focus on, because it definitely isn't. It's good to have a life outside of weight loss, and that's easier to do when your friends don't know about it.

Edit: This being said, I think it's totally great to talk about your diet and lifestyle changes with your friends if they approach you about it for advice or if they are curious or whatever. I'm just saying it's best not to be the one bringing it up. At least, that's how I am. I don't like feeling like I'm shoving ideas down peoples' throats, and that's how it would probably make me feel...

MandiPandi757 · May 2011

Well first of all, if they are true friends they will stick by you and be supportive NO MATTER WHAT! I suggest doing what Creiche said to do.....sit down with some or one on one with these friends of yours and tell them how you feel. They are probably just adjusting to your new lifestyle and maybe some of these friends have some insecurities about themselves that your bringing out in them when they see you eat what your eating and doing what your doing. But talking to them is the first thing you should do to lay it all out and express your concern. Then we'll see who sticks by you and who doesn't. Unfortuneately you may lose some of them, but then again it's their loss. I had a friend who I considered one of my best friends (or so I thought) when I started my weight loss journey. Before my journey, we did all kinds of stuff together and I also worked with her. Slowly she started pulling away and then a year later we were hardly doing anything anymore. Now we barely talk. It's sad, really sad that she couldn't stick with me. She's a big girl, too. Needless to say, I don't work in the same place as her anymore either, so it makes it kinda easy to not have to see her. I don't really know what happened, but I do know that I made her feel bad without even saying anything, because I was doing something about my weight and she wasn't. So, don't beat yourself up and don't feel guilty about what your doing. Stick to your guns and talk to your friends. If they are your friends, they'll understand.

Good Luck!

Social life and pressure from friends

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