Will this be the last time I start? Revised. Will I even start? Oh wait, maybe I just did.

Hi all
I joined loseit and I found out about myfitnesspal ...a few days ago. I had a drastic environment change, -cross country move- and I thought that this would do it for me. Stats: F 47, 314 pounds 5'5' I was a very athletic skinny kid and a dancer. When puberty hit me, -really hit me- I started having weight issues. A couple of pounds in the beginning, which my Mother made a terribly big deal about and put me on an only protein diet, when I was 14. I mean, just eggs and ground meat, and tons of it for days. Combined with ice cream only days. By 20 I was 10 pounds overweight and by 30 I was 20 pounds overweight and by 35 I started accumulating serious amount of fat. I have been on a diet my whole adult life. There has been not one day that I can remember that the number on the scale did not dictate exactly how I would feel that day, to the point of absolute misery, if the scale would be up or even not had moved downwards. Highest weight before was 307. Lost 80 pounds on an all liquid diet high protein shakes from a major medical institution in just 4 months and I would be cheating a lot too. I though I would never gain that weight back, I had to stop the program for financial reasons. For the first and only time in my life I begged. I begged the director of the program to allow me to continue, I begged to the point of stupidity, so humiliating it was, but he did not allow me. I kept going back for every 5 pounds that I would gain, begging him. He would not badge, but then again, the program did not seem to be working for him, he was still overweight LOL The cost was $300 per month, but that was a terrible moment in my life, -part of a 7 year long terribly miserable stretch- and I just could not pay it. I gained back 60 pounds within 2 years and then I worked by myself, combination of shake days and food days, and 2 miles or more of swimming per day plus hot yoga, plus elliptical and I went down to 220. Again no money to buy the shakes and again I gained everything back. It took me 2 years to do it, but now I am 314 and that is after I have lost about 10, or so, from driving cross country. I am now absolutely desperate. My health is great, but I have no idea why. I do feel though that I will get very sick very suddenly, I mean, how much longer can my body take of this insanity? I have always been eating massive amounts of food, I really should be at least 700 pounds according to my calculations. And I seem to be able to lose fast. But of course I hit terrible plateaus. I can not take good care of my beloved dogs anymore as I can hardly walk. Years of exercising have saved my body but it has now started cracking under the pressure of the massive weight that it has to carry.
I honestly thought that the very big change of environment would help me, but I am back to my old tricks. I am here almost 2 weeks, and even though I lost immediately 7 pounds in 4 days, once I did not lose on the 5th day, I started eating and eating and then eating some more. For the first time in 2 years it is at least real food that I am eating, and not junk from drive through burger places or taco bell, which I existed on. And even though I have some left over Z pro shakes, I want this time to lose weight with real food. I want to try.... no, not try, I want to learn to hold myself accountable, and exercise control and log in for the very first time ever, what I am eating.
When I m hungry, I have the feeling that I could actually kill, it is so bad. I get beyond cranky, I feel like I am dying, I experience very strong emotions, unbearable to be honest. The moment I eat happiness ensues, and this is why Z pro has worked for me. I was supposed to have 5 to 7 shakes per day, but I would have 15. Two at a time I would have and sometimes over 15 per day. Then I would have a few proti soups. I would reach 2,500 calories and still lose weight like crazy, but I was exercising a lot too.
I need, I should, I MUST learn to control myself. I honestly feel -and I feel that for the very first time in my life- that this is the moment to do it, that I will get seriously in trouble if I do not, as my saving grace, exercise, is not here anymore, at this weight, I can hardly move, let alone exercise.
Is anyone else experiencing such strong effects from deprivation of food?
I registered with my fitnesspal a few days ago, but I have yet to use it, one more time eating, has been my thing, and 30 plus years have passed.
Sometimes I think that I must be a very selfish, weak person. People are sick, starving, battling cancer, and here I am, destroyed my life, suffering financially, just from one more time of eating. But maybe it is real? Maybe I am not just a spoiled brat without any will power. I mean, I have accomplished many things in my life, my will power is unwavering for everything else that I decide to do but losing the fat.
I feel like Andie MacDowell in the movie the object of beauty. She would drink when she was happy she would drink when she was sad she would drink to celebrate or to overcome her sorrows.
To celebrate the fact that I am "starting" and I am writing about my weight problem which is exceedingly difficult or me to do, and to celebrate the fact that I logged in to MFP my breakfast of yogurt with choolate syrup, while I am writing this post, I have eaten 2 slices of bread, about 10 slices of ham, mustard, a pickle, and to top it off, I had a bowl of cereal with whole milk. HOORAY! WHAT A START!!!
But...instead of giving up and saying I will start fresh tomorrow, I am thinking now, I have started today, and I better make it work for the rest of the day. NO starting tomorrow this time. I am here, I started, a bit of a false start, I admit, but its a start. Maybe that accounts for something. Maybe this is the reasoning behind logging and sharing and holding yourself accountable in front of the community.