How do you deal with people who bullied or shamed you when you were fat.

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  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
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    I have no trouble telling them that they are @$$clowns.
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
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    harvo wrote: »
    The simply answer is, thanks but the truth is my looks have never defined me and I am glad you raised your son to see my inner beauty, which has not changed even though my outward appearce has...
    Ha that would imply that he raised his son, which he didn't thank god!
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    edited March 2015
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    I have sex with their significant others, then post pics of it on 4Chan.

    ...it just irks me when people who used to fat shame me get the satisfaction of "being right" about how I should have lost weight.

    Well, in fairness, that's on you, TBH. You needed to lose weight, so they absolutely *were* right. Sounds like there may still be some denial about it all at your end....maybe, just possibly...?
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
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    Dutchie848 wrote: »
    I've always been really honest with people like that. My mom used to always bring up my weight every time we talked, and she even got my sister doing it. Finally I got fed up and told them not to bring up my weight or I would stop calling (we live thousands of miles apart). Now that I've lost 102 lbs, I can tell they talk to me differently and really want to say something, but they know not to unless I bring it up. I occasionally run into people now that used to say things or just look at me in that way, and they say something now and I just completely ignore them or say something backhanded back. One girl used to bully me for my weight, and I saw her the other day and she had clearly gained a lot of weight. She said: "I see you've finally managed to lose some weight." I was so mad she said that, clearly not expecting me to ever lose it that I told her right back: "I see you haven't" and walked away. Was it mean? Absolutely. But sometimes you just have to say something to get them to stop.

    I can relate to that, ever since I was little my mother would discuss my being overweight at every meal. It really tore down the 6 year old in me. She didn't help me, just criticized from age 6 onward. She even had a doctor lie to me and tell me I would die if I ate sugar. Funny thing is, I didn't at sugar and was still fat. It was an emotional thing for me and the fact that my mom always cooked fattening foods. I'm glad you said that to her, sounds like she deserved it. My sister in law said to me the other day, I see your finally taking care of yourself now. I just wanted to tell her off this girl that has no idea what it was like for me. Doesn't help that my cousin married my junior high bully, and my other cousin married a man who bullies me now. The things that people did and said to me have definitely stuck with me. I hope I will be able to move past this without turning my family away. Except for the cousins husband that bullies me now, I told him to shove it.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
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    Well, with your father-in-law, you don't really have any recourse, and honestly he sounds so stubbornly ignorant (or full of self-loathing) that, unless you're fairly sure saying something will cause him to change, it might not be worth it.
    Your boss, however? That's called harassment, and there are laws against that kind of behavior. Talk to him once, if you can. If he doesn't change, report him.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    My first reaction to the title of this thread was, "they aren't in my life any more." But idiot relatives are another thing. There are the obligatory visits a few times a year. They aren't going to change and you don't have to tolerate them long.

    The biggest insult you can pay him is dismiss any idea that he can change. Nod and smile. So just brush him off. He's wallpaper in your life. Not worth the attention.
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
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    Yeah I used to have a boss who would tell me I needed to lose weight all the time, he had a monopoly in my field of work so there was no other options other than leaving my chosen profession that I went to school for. I find that our justice system is really failing in this as well. Innocent until proven guilty, if you don't get a confession or recording your likely not going to win. It's comparative to charging someone for rape. Lawyers spend a lot of time attacking your character, morals, your past. I wasn't willing to be torn down in front of my coworkers and family.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to remove negative people from your life. As for family? Well that is why God created alcohol.
  • inchwormbyinchworm
    inchwormbyinchworm Posts: 180 Member
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    And that’s the funny thing about shame. The commenter above said “It’s only shaming you if you let it.” That’s only half-true. The way I receive a comment about my size or my build doesn’t change the fact that the intention was still to make me feel bad about my body. What I can do, however, is develop the ability to call this behavior out for what it is – an attempt to make me feel bad about who I am and where I am in my life – and I can reject the effects it tries to have over me. I can laugh at someone’s need to control how I view myself. I can acknowledge, in a positive fashion, that I am on my own journey of love and self-discovery, and no one has the right to make me feel bad about that.
    It doesn’t require an outward and open display of rebellion. In fact, smiling at a shamer while shaking your head and changing the subject, drawing a clear boundary line, and/or walking away are often the strongest forms of resisting outward pressure. And, if something that was said hurts your feelings, you remind yourself – “I am on my own journey, and I’ll get where I’m going eventually… with the love, support, and encouragement of the people who love me in the healthiest way possible.” The strongest weapon against shame is a developing sense of self-love. No weapon formed against that can prosper, not even shame.


    Excerpted from What Fat-Shaming Looks Like In Action - A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss
    http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/social-construct/what-fat-shaming-looks-like-in-action/
  • ForeverSunshine09
    ForeverSunshine09 Posts: 966 Member
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    I have an uncle who is just an all around awful person. I straight up ignore him. I dont mean to just nod and agree. I mean he says something to me and I turn and walk away. I dont care if it is polite. I dont care if it makes ppl feel awkward. You earn the right to be family and if you screw with me enough you lose that right. I am a smartass and through my late 20s and now beginning of my 30s I have learned to stick up for myself. If that means telling you to go f yourself I will gladly put you in your place. I am so sick of ppl allowing themselves to become doormats because it is the polite thing to do. I will not allow an ahole to just spout crap because he feels all high and mighty.
  • fatcity66
    fatcity66 Posts: 1,544 Member
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    redoakcircus wrote: »
    Why do you need to deal with him? It's ok for your spouse to go to his father's house by himself.

    ^^THIS. OP, you're allowed to cut anyone out of your life, including family. If it's not a healthy relationship, you shouldn't continue to associate with them, just as you wouldn't continue to see an abusive partner.
  • dolliesdaughter
    dolliesdaughter Posts: 544 Member
    edited March 2015
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    1st, the kids can go see their grandfather with your spouse\their father. You do not have to go unless you don't trust your husband with the kids.

    2nd Just give an off the wall response that has nothing to do with what he said.
    FIL "You are looking awfully fat today."
    You: "Yeah, the roses are really red outside."
    FIL: ?!?!?!?! (Looking like the @$$ he is)

    Quit playing the game, you are an adult.
  • mountain01
    mountain01 Posts: 65 Member
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    They need to f themselves. So tired of peoples criticism of others and people using other people to make them happy, and then when they are happy they throw you under the bus. Life is too short my friend.
  • Hvngfaith88
    Hvngfaith88 Posts: 147 Member
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    my parents told me after I gained weight that I was fat, ugly and unloveable and that no one would be able to love to me... this caused me to eat more... I have chosen not to see my parents in 3 years and have cut them off. I am now ready to lose the weight
  • NewMeSM75
    NewMeSM75 Posts: 971 Member
    edited April 2015
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    My kids came home after visiting with their dad and his girlfriend. They told me how his girlfriend was making remarks about my kid's weights. My son is heavy but my daughter is not. Nonetheless, it did not set well with me for her to make any kind of remark about my children. So...... I told them. Don't be ugly or insult her. Then I told them - Kid's next time all of you sit down to eat. Look over at her and say, "Are you going to eat all of that? You've gained some weight lately.." :D

    They did as I said. She pushed her plate and stormed off all pissy! Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

    Score!!!! They said, "Mama you were right. She got mad and even her daughter's friend said yeah you have gained some".

    Hahahahahahaha..

    I would beat them at their own game but tactfully!
  • MisterZ33
    MisterZ33 Posts: 567 Member
    edited April 2015
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    i was bullied by just 1 person in middle school for being fat. i hated the guy. i would fantasize about beating the snot out of him or shoving him down the stairs. if i wanted, i could have done some serious physical damage to the guy...i couldnt avoid him either as were were in the same classes and lived in the same neighbourhood.

    then a few years later in high school, out of the blue, he came to me and apologized for being such an a-hole. he atributed his behaviour to immaturity and that his mockery of me were ill attempts at being funny. he told me he sincerely regretted the trouble he caused me. I asked him why he had this change of heart and he told me it was because people were making fun of him because of his big eye balls (they teased him by calling him "froggy"). he told me that it really hurt him when people made fun f him so he can only expect that i felt the same way wwhen he bullied me. for grade 10, it was very profound reasoning.

    It was really big of him to own up to his mistake, and i forgave him. he never bothered me again and in fact, we became friends. To be honest, the moment i realized his apolgy was sincere, i never thought about the hard time he put me through. he really was sorry and i really needed to let go.

    im thankful that we were both able to get past it.

    i know not all bullying stories end this way, but this is my story and i hope there are others out there like my friend who can realize their wrong ways early in their lives.
  • wrenegade64
    wrenegade64 Posts: 410 Member
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    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    maybe ask your husband to speak to him?? or... don't go. there's no way u could make me go to someone's house who put me down all the time. i think my husband would understand why i didn't want this person in my life. i feel for u though i really do. it's not easy to cut someone out. i had an uncle like that. 'had' being the key word. haven't seen him in 10 years. no loss

    I agree. If there is anybody for sure that should be your most relivant aly, it should be your spouse. It takes time to shake off the chains of shamers, but it can be done. Give it time and in the meantime, relish in your accomplishments and keep on truckin. U GOT THIS!!!
  • ear1011
    ear1011 Posts: 50 Member
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    I have a sister who acts like she is better than me because she is skinny!! Another member reminded me it's more of a problem with herself than me which is true... She said to me the other day "I don't like the way I look when I am 140lbs or more" I work like a dog to stay under 149!! I think acknowledging you are not the one with the problem and that they are was helpful for me. Also what everyone else says, stay away don't go if you can!! Avoid toxic people who bring you down. I'm sure there are plenty of people who love u and don't judge you and make you feel like garbage. I just canceled dinner plans with her because I don't want to watch her eat lettuce and be judged when I eat an actual healthy meal. I made plans with people who love me and accept I am trying to be healthy but still eat.
  • tiptoethruthetulips
    tiptoethruthetulips Posts: 3,360 Member
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    You don't have to deal with the father in law, but your husband should have taken him aside a long time ago and told him him that his comments are not acceptable.
  • taymam
    taymam Posts: 55 Member
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    Thanks for all your thoughts. I have been avoiding those few family members for a while. Warded off another one by asking him what his problem was. I'm actually looking forward to seeing my FIL, because almost every time I see him he says he hates gay/fat/ugly people. Next time that comes out of his mouth I'm just going to say "well you must really hate yourself then" done being nice.

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