is this rock bottom?

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ellelit
ellelit Posts: 806 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
i stepped on the scale, and i'm at my highest ever. 325 pounds.

my previous highest was october last year when my dad died. i was 295.

i went full bore after that, and dropped down to 265, and looking at my journal from last year, on this day i was 270. i've gained 55 pounds in a year. i've never in my life gained so much weight so fast.

i know why it has happened, from a food standpoint. i've been pretty much on a perpetual binge ever since i found out about my cervical pre cancer back in march. eating eating eating.

i was going to wait until jan.1 to make some big changes, but i woke up this morning, weighed myself and am completely disgusted. i have to stop NOW.

anyhow, just wanted to let you all know what's been happening. i'm starting my own blog on january 1st (with hopes of turing it into a book, so it will be pretty personal and detailed), but i have to start the process now. i woke up this morning with a food-hangover, and i think this is defintiely rock-bottom.

just an idea of what i ate yesterday:

breakfast:
1 ham egg and cheese breakfast bagel
1 apple raspberry muffin

snack:
3 fibre cookies, 1 peaches cup, 3 purdy's chocolates

lunch:
1 BLT wrap, large fries and gravy
1 chocolate
1 lolipop
1 caramel

snack:
1 mandarin orange
2 caramels

supper:
1 big bacon classic, 1 fried chicken sandwich, 1 large fries and a medium diet coke, a ranch sauce for dipping

snack:
3/4 big bag of cheesies
3/4 big bag of chips
3 packs of peanut m&M's
3/4's of a ring of ham garlic sausage
1 2l bottle of ginger ale.

ya, i threw up. seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? it's not only frustrating, it's infuriating. i try and try to get control, but it seems like it just slips through my fingers. anyhow i'm going to keep trying, and keep you all posted... thanks for being here.

Replies

  • ellelit
    ellelit Posts: 806 Member
    Options
    i stepped on the scale, and i'm at my highest ever. 325 pounds.

    my previous highest was october last year when my dad died. i was 295.

    i went full bore after that, and dropped down to 265, and looking at my journal from last year, on this day i was 270. i've gained 55 pounds in a year. i've never in my life gained so much weight so fast.

    i know why it has happened, from a food standpoint. i've been pretty much on a perpetual binge ever since i found out about my cervical pre cancer back in march. eating eating eating.

    i was going to wait until jan.1 to make some big changes, but i woke up this morning, weighed myself and am completely disgusted. i have to stop NOW.

    anyhow, just wanted to let you all know what's been happening. i'm starting my own blog on january 1st (with hopes of turing it into a book, so it will be pretty personal and detailed), but i have to start the process now. i woke up this morning with a food-hangover, and i think this is defintiely rock-bottom.

    just an idea of what i ate yesterday:

    breakfast:
    1 ham egg and cheese breakfast bagel
    1 apple raspberry muffin

    snack:
    3 fibre cookies, 1 peaches cup, 3 purdy's chocolates

    lunch:
    1 BLT wrap, large fries and gravy
    1 chocolate
    1 lolipop
    1 caramel

    snack:
    1 mandarin orange
    2 caramels

    supper:
    1 big bacon classic, 1 fried chicken sandwich, 1 large fries and a medium diet coke, a ranch sauce for dipping

    snack:
    3/4 big bag of cheesies
    3/4 big bag of chips
    3 packs of peanut m&M's
    3/4's of a ring of ham garlic sausage
    1 2l bottle of ginger ale.

    ya, i threw up. seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? it's not only frustrating, it's infuriating. i try and try to get control, but it seems like it just slips through my fingers. anyhow i'm going to keep trying, and keep you all posted... thanks for being here.
  • HustleRose
    HustleRose Posts: 88
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    Man, I don't know where everyone is.

    I just wanna say that, even though you're struggling, I think it's amazing that you own it all and hold yourself responsible in order to learn from your mistakes and work towards being more healthy.

    An actual eating disorder isn't something you can just overcome overnight, especially with all the stress you've had in your life recently, but you're taking all the right steps and handling the issue with maturity; I really respect you for that.

    I always look forward to your posts. I can relate to you in many ways, and I'm always here if you want to talk; I have no life. :flowerforyou:
  • joann
    joann Posts: 624 Member
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    My heart goes out to you...Im sorry to hear about all the things that have happened to you...I have had days in my past that I have ate everything in my site..trying to fill a hole that couldnt be filled...Take every day one day at a time. There are days that you are when you eat more than your suppose to but the important things is dont let them go on for days and days...That is what helped me. I've lost almost 50 lbs since Nov. 2007..Should I have lost more? Im sure but there were days that I didnt stick to it but Im right back on track..I havent gained....thats the important thing...
    Just remeber you are not alone if you need to talk Im always hear.....good luck...joann
  • renae5
    renae5 Posts: 393 Member
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    Darling, get a hold of yourself!! I know EXACTLY what you are going through, and everything WILL be alright. I dealt with "pre-cancer" on my cervix for several years, since before my 7 year old was born. I was even told 6 months before I got pregnant with my 10 month old that i would never have any more children - this seriously hurt me even though I already had two healthy, beautiful children - one boy and one girl - but someone telling mr this chapter in my life was over at 32 just about killed my spirit. Well, over the years I have had numerous cryos (freezing) and LEEP (lazor cutting) of the "bad" cells on my cervix and I just had my hysterectomy 6 weeks ago. #1 you HAVE to take care of yourself!!! I lost my Momma to cancer in 2005 and I was NOT going to let it take me from my children!! And hey, I even got another baby out of the deal, I prayed to God to either cure me of the cancer or give me another baby so I could have the hysterectomy in peace and he gave me my Lola Gracen, so have faith that everything will work out!! But no matter what know that the healthier YOU are the easier it will be to deal with AND heal from any treatments or procedures you may have to face. KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!:bigsmile:
  • hwilliams519
    hwilliams519 Posts: 428
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    I'm so sorry about your loss and your pain. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater, but it's something that I'm working on. I think sometimes we get so dependent on food, and we don't even realize it until we're pushed to our limit. One very important thing to remember is that it took time to put on the weight, so it's going to take time to get it off. And no matter what, you can do this!

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