WEIGHT GAIN EFFECTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

You need to learn to put yourself first - no, I don't mean eat what you like and regain all that weight and who gives a damn what the OH thinks, but eat better and do it for you. If your partner is happy you're in shape, well, that's a side benefit. This is about you.

You've lost 30b already - way to go - are you telling me you don't feel better for it? I bet you do. Focus on reaching a weight which makes you feel great and body confident. People judge on weight, of course they do, humans: we're bloody shallow. But actually, it's confidence which is often more attractive. When you hit whatever your GW is, you'll have a swagger in your walk.

Your ex sounds like a jerk - I know it's easier said than done, but don't judge every guy like him. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a loved one to get healthy, but there are ways of communicating that, and he doesn't sound like he was supportive at all.

You've done so well so far - keep going, do this for you, and if you do meet someone special, evaluate him for who he is. It's so tempting to compare people to others, but that only needs to unhappiness.

S x

This is going to be long-winded...

I'm 5' 8" and I have always been muscled but curvy, weighing ~140lbs. I think I look pretty good, but I'm like perpetually bigger than almost all my friends. I let that put me in a bad head space. Instead of just accepting and being proud of my body, I was constantly trying to get "skinny" (my friends' parents telling me I was chubby/out of shape/just plain fat every time they saw me sure didn't help). Constantly dieting, exercising, buying smaller clothes that would "fit when I got thin," and mentally beating myself up. I ended up gaining a lot of weight from binges and emotional eating.

I was terrified - literally - at the thought of dating a skinny guy, or a guy who was the same height or shorter than me. I felt like I needed to be smaller, smaller, smaller. It seems silly, but I really thought that I didn't deserve someone "hot" or skinnier than me. Why? According to some skewed personal logic, my body was disgusting, that bodyfat was something to be ashamed of, and a significant other wouldn't be happy with me unless I looked like a model, and since I was tallish, I'd have to be extra-slim to make up for being so big...

And guess what? A while ago, a really hot guy met me and proceeded to chase me around for a year. A skinny guy. Like, 5' 9" and 120lbs skinny. Begging me to go on a date. I had eaten myself up to 170lbs (probably more - I couldn't bear to get on the scale and only wore stretchy clothes because nothing fit right) and all I could think of was "how will he ever be happy with me? I'm a big bloated whale of a girl. I don't look good. I'm fat fat fat fat!" I wasn't even thinking about how happy *I* would be - I was projecting my own insecurities onto someone else. I was so caught up in this stupid mindset of needing to be skinny before I could be in a relationship with someone "attractive."

Well the skinny hot guy won me over. He won me over with his wit, charm, intelligence, humor, talent, and a lot of poetry (much of it concerning my womanly curves!). Nothing to do with the fact that the smallest part of my waist is still bigger than his, that I weigh more than him, that I eat more than he does, or that I wear heels all the time and end up dwarfing him. That stuff doesn't even come up, except when I wear really high heels - then I'm a "glamazon." (I think that's glamorous+Amazon?) We've been dating for years. He knows about my body insecurity, and is nothing but supportive and caring.

I still harbor negative feelings about food and self-image. I make him promise to tell me if I "get fat again." I log my food on MFP or in a journal. I make time in my day to go to the gym or work out at home. I eat differently from him (he subsides on poptarts and pizza...oh, the male metabolism). That sometimes makes him pouty, like why can't I just eat candy and popcorn every night with him? But it's not a big deal, he knows I'm proud of myself and feel better when I eat right and exercise (don't we all feel better? ). I wonder if I look that different now that I've gotten my weight more or less under control. I ask him all the time what he'll think if I gain weight again. He says, "I dunno, you're just so hot. Fantastic. You looked great when we started dating, and you look perfect now. You look like a strong woman! My woman."

The previous two responses above me are right: you've been successful losing weight (30 pounds is no small feat!), you should put yourself first, and if some guy thinks your body is anything less than an absolute privilege to cuddle up against at night...let them go! A significant other worthy of your time and effort is going to love your body because it's YOURS. If you need them to check in with you on their weight, they should understand how important it is to be positive and sensitive about it.


PS: How much did your ex weigh? I think you could say you lost his # plus 30lbs of unwanted weight!

kandell wrote: »

I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend who doesn't care what I weigh. He actually prefers curvier women anyway. After we started dating, I started gaining weight. Slowly at first, then about 15 pounds in a couple of months. The effects that it's had on our relationship are all on my side. I'm a lot less confident, and I've been less interested in intimacy and that put a bit of strain on things for a while. It's something that we just had to work through, though.

Same here. I asked my bf of 4 years (we were even high school sweethearts back in the day) if he honestly felt I should lose weight. He said:

"Yes. But only because you were a lot happier when you were thinner."

He was right. When I gained weight, I was miserable and always felt like he was going to dump me because I was so big.

ALLCAPSKATIE wrote: »

This is going to be long-winded...

I'm 5' 8" and I have always been muscled but curvy, weighing ~140lbs. I think I look pretty good, but I'm like perpetually bigger than almost all my friends. I let that put me in a bad head space. Instead of just accepting and being proud of my body, I was constantly trying to get "skinny" (my friends' parents telling me I was chubby/out of shape/just plain fat every time they saw me sure didn't help). Constantly dieting, exercising, buying smaller clothes that would "fit when I got thin," and mentally beating myself up. I ended up gaining a lot of weight from binges and emotional eating.

I was terrified - literally - at the thought of dating a skinny guy, or a guy who was the same height or shorter than me. I felt like I needed to be smaller, smaller, smaller. It seems silly, but I really thought that I didn't deserve someone "hot" or skinnier than me. Why? According to some skewed personal logic, my body was disgusting, that bodyfat was something to be ashamed of, and a significant other wouldn't be happy with me unless I looked like a model, and since I was tallish, I'd have to be extra-slim to make up for being so big...

And guess what? A while ago, a really hot guy met me and proceeded to chase me around for a year. A skinny guy. Like, 5' 9" and 120lbs skinny. Begging me to go on a date. I had eaten myself up to 170lbs (probably more - I couldn't bear to get on the scale and only wore stretchy clothes because nothing fit right) and all I could think of was "how will he ever be happy with me? I'm a big bloated whale of a girl. I don't look good. I'm fat fat fat fat!" I wasn't even thinking about how happy *I* would be - I was projecting my own insecurities onto someone else. I was so caught up in this stupid mindset of needing to be skinny before I could be in a relationship with someone "attractive."

Well the skinny hot guy won me over. He won me over with his wit, charm, intelligence, humor, talent, and a lot of poetry (much of it concerning my womanly curves!). Nothing to do with the fact that the smallest part of my waist is still bigger than his, that I weigh more than him, that I eat more than he does, or that I wear heels all the time and end up dwarfing him. That stuff doesn't even come up, except when I wear really high heels - then I'm a "glamazon." (I think that's glamorous+Amazon?) We've been dating for years. He knows about my body insecurity, and is nothing but supportive and caring.

I still harbor negative feelings about food and self-image. I make him promise to tell me if I "get fat again." I log my food on MFP or in a journal. I make time in my day to go to the gym or work out at home. I eat differently from him (he subsides on poptarts and pizza...oh, the male metabolism). That sometimes makes him pouty, like why can't I just eat candy and popcorn every night with him? But it's not a big deal, he knows I'm proud of myself and feel better when I eat right and exercise (don't we all feel better? ). I wonder if I look that different now that I've gotten my weight more or less under control. I ask him all the time what he'll think if I gain weight again. He says, "I dunno, you're just so hot. Fantastic. You looked great when we started dating, and you look perfect now. You look like a strong woman! My woman."

The previous two responses above me are right: you've been successful losing weight (30 pounds is no small feat!), you should put yourself first, and if some guy thinks your body is anything less than an absolute privilege to cuddle up against at night...let them go! A significant other worthy of your time and effort is going to love your body because it's YOURS. If you need them to check in with you on their weight, they should understand how important it is to be positive and sensitive about it.


PS: How much did your ex weigh? I think you could say you lost his # plus 30lbs of unwanted weight!

Loved all of this!!! So cute

Yes once...I was about 165 when I met my ex...I had quit smoking and was going to the gym.

He was great with that until it caused him "issues'...which were he didn't have a car so he had to wait for me at the gym after work...he wouldn't join me or anything.

I eventually stopped my exercise..started eating more and gained...he said it made me unattractive to him...I was like bite me...so we split...best thing that ever happened to me.

Met my now husband who didn't care when I ballooned up to my heaviest in our first year of marriage...doesn't care that our grocery bill is higher now (I eat a lot) and encourages my workouts and found me as sexy and desirable at 205 as he does now at 150...I found a keeper.

Yea get yourself back out there. Not everyone even wants a skinny girl. The feelings you have about being heavier than you're used to are just feelings. There's someone out there for everyone.

And no one that loves you will ever care about a weight gain. BFdeal had a point about when weight gain signifies a deeper issue. But when it's bc you're older or comfortable or just a normal person that puts on weight sometimes, it doesn't matter.

I met my boyfriend when I was just really getting into working out. He loved me and would kiss my "guns" when I thought I was getting too muscular. He loved me when I was prepping for a show and would help me pose (even though friends thought it was weird). He loves me now that I've gained 20 pounds. And I love him even though he's gained over 30. I think he's as sexy as ever and try to believe he feels the same way. Not everyone is so shallow. You deserve someone like this and I'm sure you'll find him :-)

I hope I'm as lucky to find the supportive men that have been described above. I just recently ended a 9 year relationship...there were a few issues, but one of them was that he was no longer attracted to me due to my weight gain. I was about 165-170 when we met and had yo-yo'd over the course of the relationship. It was this year that I hit my heaviest (& current) weight of 235.

I knew he still cared about me, but it was obvious he had no interest in me physically and had fallen out of love because of it. We would go months without intimacy and my already fragile self esteem was shattered...oddly enough, I just did not have the motivation to do anything about it at the time. I'm guessing it was indifference from being depressed and stressed about other factors in our relationship/life.

We ended things amicably, and again, my weight was only one factor of a few in the end of things...but it would be nice to find that unconditional supportive partnership. I get totally get what BFdeal is saying, and I do agree to a point...but I think if the ex would have been supportive rather than belittling, perhaps I would have the motivation I have now to have worked on bettering myself then.