WEIGHT GAIN EFFECTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

Selina_Kyle_60
Selina_Kyle_60 Posts: 41 Member
edited November 17 in Motivation and Support
Hi I just posted this in my feed and decided to reach out to hear stories from other people on this site. I was just wondering have any of you been in a situation in your life where your weight gain effected your relationship? I remember years ago when I was at my thinnest probably around 130 pounds I gained about 10-15 pounds. So I went from being very thin to medium size I guess. Anyway my boyfriend at the time would not stop complaining about it and gave me a really hard time. He made me feel really self conscious and unattractive. After we broke up I eventually ended up gaining a lot more weight which what got me up to 180 pounds which is where i was when I started this site and now Im at 150. I guess now that Im getting closer to my goal I have a fear that when I start dating again what if I gain a some weight back and end up disappointing the person Im with. I feel very confident that I will be able to keep the weight off this time but I am worried about maintaining it. Has anyone been through a similar situation? I understand attraction is very important in the beginning but I think after you fall in love and have been with someone for a while their personality is whats the most important. I wish people were not as shallow as we are. Im almost afraid to start dating again, knowing that someone will be judging me and sizing me up based on my apperance or that they will make me feel bad or will want to leave if i don't look perfect. I would like to know what you guys think about this.

Replies

  • scb515
    scb515 Posts: 133 Member
    You need to learn to put yourself first - no, I don't mean eat what you like and regain all that weight and who gives a damn what the OH thinks, but eat better and do it for you. If your partner is happy you're in shape, well, that's a side benefit. This is about you.

    You've lost 30b already - way to go - are you telling me you don't feel better for it? I bet you do. Focus on reaching a weight which makes you feel great and body confident. People judge on weight, of course they do, humans: we're bloody shallow. But actually, it's confidence which is often more attractive. When you hit whatever your GW is, you'll have a swagger in your walk.

    Your ex sounds like a jerk - I know it's easier said than done, but don't judge every guy like him. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a loved one to get healthy, but there are ways of communicating that, and he doesn't sound like he was supportive at all.

    You've done so well so far - keep going, do this for you, and if you do meet someone special, evaluate him for who he is. It's so tempting to compare people to others, but that only needs to unhappiness.

    S x
  • softblondechick
    softblondechick Posts: 1,275 Member
    My ex used weight and food as "control". I was stupid enough to buy into his low self esteem. I was 5'11", and 130 pounds. I never ate. Maybe some chicken once in awhile. And he still acted like I was a fat pig. I was never thin enough, smart enough, the house was not clean enough, I made the wrong dish for dinner...always something. I was a wreck. Always trying to please him. Never good enough.

    Fine. I left. Let him find his perfect woman.
  • ALLCAPSKATIE
    ALLCAPSKATIE Posts: 8 Member
    This is going to be long-winded...

    I'm 5' 8" and I have always been muscled but curvy, weighing ~140lbs. I think I look pretty good, but I'm like perpetually bigger than almost all my friends. I let that put me in a bad head space. Instead of just accepting and being proud of my body, I was constantly trying to get "skinny" (my friends' parents telling me I was chubby/out of shape/just plain fat every time they saw me sure didn't help). Constantly dieting, exercising, buying smaller clothes that would "fit when I got thin," and mentally beating myself up. I ended up gaining a lot of weight from binges and emotional eating.

    I was terrified - literally - at the thought of dating a skinny guy, or a guy who was the same height or shorter than me. I felt like I needed to be smaller, smaller, smaller. It seems silly, but I really thought that I didn't deserve someone "hot" or skinnier than me. Why? According to some skewed personal logic, my body was disgusting, that bodyfat was something to be ashamed of, and a significant other wouldn't be happy with me unless I looked like a model, and since I was tallish, I'd have to be extra-slim to make up for being so big...

    And guess what? A while ago, a really hot guy met me and proceeded to chase me around for a year. A skinny guy. Like, 5' 9" and 120lbs skinny. Begging me to go on a date. I had eaten myself up to 170lbs (probably more - I couldn't bear to get on the scale and only wore stretchy clothes because nothing fit right) and all I could think of was "how will he ever be happy with me? I'm a big bloated whale of a girl. I don't look good. I'm fat fat fat fat!" I wasn't even thinking about how happy *I* would be - I was projecting my own insecurities onto someone else. I was so caught up in this stupid mindset of needing to be skinny before I could be in a relationship with someone "attractive."

    Well the skinny hot guy won me over. He won me over with his wit, charm, intelligence, humor, talent, and a lot of poetry (much of it concerning my womanly curves!). Nothing to do with the fact that the smallest part of my waist is still bigger than his, that I weigh more than him, that I eat more than he does, or that I wear heels all the time and end up dwarfing him. That stuff doesn't even come up, except when I wear really high heels - then I'm a "glamazon." (I think that's glamorous+Amazon?) We've been dating for years. He knows about my body insecurity, and is nothing but supportive and caring.

    I still harbor negative feelings about food and self-image. I make him promise to tell me if I "get fat again." I log my food on MFP or in a journal. I make time in my day to go to the gym or work out at home. I eat differently from him (he subsides on poptarts and pizza...oh, the male metabolism). That sometimes makes him pouty, like why can't I just eat candy and popcorn every night with him? But it's not a big deal, he knows I'm proud of myself and feel better when I eat right and exercise (don't we all feel better? :wink: ). I wonder if I look that different now that I've gotten my weight more or less under control. I ask him all the time what he'll think if I gain weight again. He says, "I dunno, you're just so hot. Fantastic. You looked great when we started dating, and you look perfect now. You look like a strong woman! My woman."

    The previous two responses above me are right: you've been successful losing weight (30 pounds is no small feat!), you should put yourself first, and if some guy thinks your body is anything less than an absolute privilege to cuddle up against at night...let them go! A significant other worthy of your time and effort is going to love your body because it's YOURS. If you need them to check in with you on their weight, they should understand how important it is to be positive and sensitive about it.


    PS: How much did your ex weigh? I think you could say you lost his # plus 30lbs of unwanted weight!
  • kandell
    kandell Posts: 473 Member
    I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend who doesn't care what I weigh. He actually prefers curvier women anyway. After we started dating, I started gaining weight. Slowly at first, then about 15 pounds in a couple of months. The effects that it's had on our relationship are all on my side. I'm a lot less confident, and I've been less interested in intimacy and that put a bit of strain on things for a while. It's something that we just had to work through, though.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited April 2015
    This content has been removed.
  • techgal128
    techgal128 Posts: 719 Member
    kandell wrote: »
    I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend who doesn't care what I weigh. He actually prefers curvier women anyway. After we started dating, I started gaining weight. Slowly at first, then about 15 pounds in a couple of months. The effects that it's had on our relationship are all on my side. I'm a lot less confident, and I've been less interested in intimacy and that put a bit of strain on things for a while. It's something that we just had to work through, though.

    Same here. I asked my bf of 4 years (we were even high school sweethearts back in the day) if he honestly felt I should lose weight. He said:

    "Yes. But only because you were a lot happier when you were thinner."

    He was right. When I gained weight, I was miserable and always felt like he was going to dump me because I was so big.
  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
    When I met my boyfriend, I was 140 lbs (I'm 5'7"). I started to eat with him (think: pizza and beer) and stopped running (that was my escape from my previous bad relationship), and started to put on weight. I'm around 160 lbs now... he loves me just the same. He constantly tells me he loves the shape of my legs, my stomach, and he adores that my boobs got bigger. We've talked about my weight (and his!). He says that he finds anything under around 200 lbs sexy, and even if I gained more weight, he'd still love me. I'm ok with that. I acknowledge that at some point, I'd find him less sexually attractive if he gained a bunch of weight. I would still love him, but it would be different. (I hope that doesn't offend anyone. That's just how we feel about each other in the context of our relationship, and in no way extends to other people in their relationships).
  • Sweetiepiestef
    Sweetiepiestef Posts: 343 Member
    ALLCAPSKATIE wrote: »
    This is going to be long-winded...

    I'm 5' 8" and I have always been muscled but curvy, weighing ~140lbs. I think I look pretty good, but I'm like perpetually bigger than almost all my friends. I let that put me in a bad head space. Instead of just accepting and being proud of my body, I was constantly trying to get "skinny" (my friends' parents telling me I was chubby/out of shape/just plain fat every time they saw me sure didn't help). Constantly dieting, exercising, buying smaller clothes that would "fit when I got thin," and mentally beating myself up. I ended up gaining a lot of weight from binges and emotional eating.

    I was terrified - literally - at the thought of dating a skinny guy, or a guy who was the same height or shorter than me. I felt like I needed to be smaller, smaller, smaller. It seems silly, but I really thought that I didn't deserve someone "hot" or skinnier than me. Why? According to some skewed personal logic, my body was disgusting, that bodyfat was something to be ashamed of, and a significant other wouldn't be happy with me unless I looked like a model, and since I was tallish, I'd have to be extra-slim to make up for being so big...

    And guess what? A while ago, a really hot guy met me and proceeded to chase me around for a year. A skinny guy. Like, 5' 9" and 120lbs skinny. Begging me to go on a date. I had eaten myself up to 170lbs (probably more - I couldn't bear to get on the scale and only wore stretchy clothes because nothing fit right) and all I could think of was "how will he ever be happy with me? I'm a big bloated whale of a girl. I don't look good. I'm fat fat fat fat!" I wasn't even thinking about how happy *I* would be - I was projecting my own insecurities onto someone else. I was so caught up in this stupid mindset of needing to be skinny before I could be in a relationship with someone "attractive."

    Well the skinny hot guy won me over. He won me over with his wit, charm, intelligence, humor, talent, and a lot of poetry (much of it concerning my womanly curves!). Nothing to do with the fact that the smallest part of my waist is still bigger than his, that I weigh more than him, that I eat more than he does, or that I wear heels all the time and end up dwarfing him. That stuff doesn't even come up, except when I wear really high heels - then I'm a "glamazon." (I think that's glamorous+Amazon?) We've been dating for years. He knows about my body insecurity, and is nothing but supportive and caring.

    I still harbor negative feelings about food and self-image. I make him promise to tell me if I "get fat again." I log my food on MFP or in a journal. I make time in my day to go to the gym or work out at home. I eat differently from him (he subsides on poptarts and pizza...oh, the male metabolism). That sometimes makes him pouty, like why can't I just eat candy and popcorn every night with him? But it's not a big deal, he knows I'm proud of myself and feel better when I eat right and exercise (don't we all feel better? :wink: ). I wonder if I look that different now that I've gotten my weight more or less under control. I ask him all the time what he'll think if I gain weight again. He says, "I dunno, you're just so hot. Fantastic. You looked great when we started dating, and you look perfect now. You look like a strong woman! My woman."

    The previous two responses above me are right: you've been successful losing weight (30 pounds is no small feat!), you should put yourself first, and if some guy thinks your body is anything less than an absolute privilege to cuddle up against at night...let them go! A significant other worthy of your time and effort is going to love your body because it's YOURS. If you need them to check in with you on their weight, they should understand how important it is to be positive and sensitive about it.


    PS: How much did your ex weigh? I think you could say you lost his # plus 30lbs of unwanted weight!

    Loved all of this!!! So cute :)
  • pawoodhull
    pawoodhull Posts: 1,759 Member
    I got married the day after I turned 18 and weighed 160 pounds. I was chunky, 20 pounds overweight at that point. Four kids and 36 years later, at 386 pounds, I had weight loss surgery. I now weigh 222 and am working my way back to that 160 (which oddly enough is now my ideal weight for age, height, etc.). In all that time he encouraged me to lose weight because he knew I was unhappy with myself, but he never made me feel anything negative about my weight, myself, or anything else.

    He truly loves me for me. Was the weight gain hard on the marriage? Yes, from a variety of standpoints. It was expensive as I had to keep replacing clothes as they got too small (and Lord knows the bigger the size the more they cost and the harder they are to find). It was bad for my health so he stood by me through injuries and surgeries. It was hard on my ego and self esteem and he put up with or ignored the emotional times when I couldn't leave the house because I looked like a blimp in my own eyes. And it was hard on him emotionally as it's not as easy to be physically attracted to someone so big, no matter how much you love them, so he felt guilty for noticing other women and wishing I would do something about my weight.

    He also suported and encouraged me through every weight loss fad, program and pill I tried. And he never once told me I was a failure when I failed. And I failed all of them. And then almost 4 years ago now, I finally stopped lying to myself that I could get over 200 pounds off on my own and decided on weight loss surgery. He was concerned. Any surgery is risky, but he also knew that my mobility was gone and it was going to take drastic measures to get me mobile and healthy again. So once again, he supported and encouraged me and promised to do anything I needed to help me succeed at this. And he has. I've dropped 164 pounds so far and he's encouraged and supported me every pound of it.

    We are celebrating 41 years of marriage this summer. It hasn't all been wine and roses, but it's been good and solid, exciting and boring, and most of time it's been a wonderful life together. There is someone out there for you who won't care what you weigh. The only advise I will give you is find a man who shares your values and beliefs. A man who wants the same kind of life you do. That's the man who won't care if you weigh a little more or even a lot more than you did 10 years ago, because that man will love you for you.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    Yes once...I was about 165 when I met my ex...I had quit smoking and was going to the gym.

    He was great with that until it caused him "issues'...which were he didn't have a car so he had to wait for me at the gym after work...he wouldn't join me or anything.

    I eventually stopped my exercise..started eating more and gained...he said it made me unattractive to him...I was like bite me...so we split...best thing that ever happened to me.

    Met my now husband who didn't care when I ballooned up to my heaviest in our first year of marriage...doesn't care that our grocery bill is higher now (I eat a lot) and encourages my workouts and found me as sexy and desirable at 205 as he does now at 150...I found a keeper.
  • keezo1
    keezo1 Posts: 204 Member
    I just turned 29 met my other half at age 20.During our 9 years together i have gained over 100 lbs which i am now trying to lose.He never shamed me or complained or ever disrespected me.Even now he keeps saying he does not believe i have gained 100 lbs.Weight loss is for you,no one else.Let the person you are with know what you will accept and they will fall in line.If they dont,understand you owe it to yourself to find someone better and move on.
  • slaite1
    slaite1 Posts: 1,307 Member
    edited April 2015
    Yea get yourself back out there. Not everyone even wants a skinny girl. The feelings you have about being heavier than you're used to are just feelings. There's someone out there for everyone.

    And no one that loves you will ever care about a weight gain. BFdeal had a point about when weight gain signifies a deeper issue. But when it's bc you're older or comfortable or just a normal person that puts on weight sometimes, it doesn't matter.

    I met my boyfriend when I was just really getting into working out. He loved me and would kiss my "guns" when I thought I was getting too muscular. He loved me when I was prepping for a show and would help me pose (even though friends thought it was weird). He loves me now that I've gained 20 pounds. And I love him even though he's gained over 30. I think he's as sexy as ever and try to believe he feels the same way. Not everyone is so shallow. You deserve someone like this and I'm sure you'll find him :-)
  • stmariepearl
    stmariepearl Posts: 56 Member
    I have gained 40 pounds since I met my love 3 years ago, and have only just started working on it. Like some other replies, the only effect the extra weight has on our relationship is because of my change in confidence! He has never mentioned it and treats me as if I'm as sexy as ever and doesn't understand why I'm counting calories. Attraction is important in sustaining relationships, and being healthy should and does effect attraction, but I am interested in being fit and healthy so I feel good, not to keep my boyfriend interested! If you seek out someone who you are truly comfortable with and who is KIND, then you don't need to have that anxiety over 10-20 pounds. Stay healthy because it makes sense, and let the *kitten* of the world watch from far far away.
  • nikoba
    nikoba Posts: 291 Member
    I hope I'm as lucky to find the supportive men that have been described above. I just recently ended a 9 year relationship...there were a few issues, but one of them was that he was no longer attracted to me due to my weight gain. I was about 165-170 when we met and had yo-yo'd over the course of the relationship. It was this year that I hit my heaviest (& current) weight of 235.

    I knew he still cared about me, but it was obvious he had no interest in me physically and had fallen out of love because of it. We would go months without intimacy and my already fragile self esteem was shattered...oddly enough, I just did not have the motivation to do anything about it at the time. I'm guessing it was indifference from being depressed and stressed about other factors in our relationship/life.

    We ended things amicably, and again, my weight was only one factor of a few in the end of things...but it would be nice to find that unconditional supportive partnership. I get totally get what BFdeal is saying, and I do agree to a point...but I think if the ex would have been supportive rather than belittling, perhaps I would have the motivation I have now to have worked on bettering myself then.
  • Selina_Kyle_60
    Selina_Kyle_60 Posts: 41 Member
    Thanks for commenting everyone, made me feel better. I guess im not alone. Yeah i def agree with every last comment. Its a complicated ussue. U should def be with someone who appreciates ypu no matter what but at the end of the day we do live in a society where looks matter. As women we have high standards to meet. No matter how hard we may try most of us will not look like victoria secrets models but we have to learn to put that aside n have confidence. But yeah its hard to feel that way for some people.
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