small boy's school behavior... thoughts?

bynsky · May 2011

My oldest boy is 6 years old and just about to finish his first year of kindergarten. They have a color system at the school where they start on green and if they misbehave it progresses from yellow, to red, to black. My boy has been off & on throughout the year on any of these colors. However, we received a call from his teacher about a month ago and have been trying to help him with his behavior. Up until this week he had been doing spectacular and staying on the green color. However, this week it's been black almost every day. The teacher states that he's arguing, spacing off, and not doing the tasks that he's told to do. On top of that, yesterday he supposedly tried to hit her when she wasn't looking. I can not get a straight answer from him whether or not this was something he would have done had he not been caught, or if he was just pretending to do so in order to get a rise out of his classmates.

Here is my quandry... we do not see this type of behavior from him at home. Yes, he argues sometimes, but that's as all kids do. The description I get from my teacher I'm picturing this beligerent little boy who doesn't do anything that he's told. At home and daycare, he argues on occasion but usually stops if he's told to. He's never tried to strike either my husband or myself, and this just does not sound normal. We've talked to him to find out if he doesn't like the teacher, school, classmates, etc... and he doesn't seem to have issues. My daycare provider mentioned that this teacher seems to be the toughest on the kids in regards to behavior problems. At the same time, both my husband and I feel that this teacher "rubs us the wrong way" as she's so soft spoken and just doesn't seem to exude authority. We've already made the decision we're going to request that our younger boy not have this teacher due to some of these feelings, but we're still worried about what's going on with our older boy. Whenever we try to explain to her that he's similar to how I was as a child and just wants to do his own thing if he feels that he's not being challenged enough, she brushes it off.

I don't want to be that parent that turns a blind eye to what's going on outside of home. I feel like I'm at my wits end in regards to my son, and we aren't sure what more can be done this year with only 2 weeks left of school. At the same time, we want to be sure we find the root of the problem so it doesn't continue in the future.

Did anyone else go through issues like this? Any teachers out there with thoughts? Just very concerned and confused over here.

fteale · May 2011

My 5 year old is the other way round. He is apparently a model pupil at school and they all adore him. At home he is a shouty, argumentitive, aggressive and often violent ball of anger. I can't get through to him at all. The teachers always say wouldn't I rather it was this way round than that he was badly behaved at school, but I am honestly not sure. I wish he was nicer to have around at home. I want to be a nice Mummy to him, but it's almost impossible when he behaves like a rabid badger. I seem to be telling him off all the time, which is hard when I love him so much.

So I don't know. It sounds like his teacher doesn't understand him, can you sit down with her and go through what you do at home when he is badly behaved?

Atlantique · May 2011

It's hard to unravel this when you aren't actually there to observe the behavior. :frown:

Can you figure out the circumstances in which he exhibits the behavior? For example, does he compete assignments more quickly than his classmates and then he's bored so he acts up? Or conversely, is he struggling with something and gets frustrated, but the teacher hasn't noticed? Maybe if you can discern a pattern around when the poor behavior is observed, you can get closer to finding a solution?

Good luck!

psb13 · May 2011

just a couple of thoughts from a former school nurse and mom of a now teenager. it's very close to the end of the school year and these little guys sometimes "burn out" by now. could be just time for a break if this is not normal behavior for him. if you see this behavior continuing and he has no specific reason for it you might want to chat with his doctor about it. could also be just a personality clash with this particular teacher. i would also probably request to not have her for your younger child. probably not much you can do about it yet this school year. i would just monitor his behavior over the summer and into the next school year to be alert for any similar problems. you already have daycare in the loop, so that's a good thing. if things are fine in the summer and it starts up again with the new school year, consider talking to the school guidance counselor for input. good luck!!

Robin1117 · May 2011

Hi there, I too have a 6 year old boy. We learned in his first year of pre-k that he had some development lags--it wasn't really behavior. I learned really quickly from some really knowledgeable teachers that it really had to do with a lack of coping skills. We sat down with his teacher and and some of the school specialists (occupational therapist and speech language pathologist), and were able to develop a plan to help my little guy learn how to cope when things do not go his way, what language you need to use to communicate, things like that. For instance--instead of getting mad and yelling or falling on the ground, here are some words to say when you are sad, or mad, etc.....

It sounds like your sons teacher is kind of old school and wants everyone to behave one way, and if they don't, they aren't really helping them. I would check in w/the principal and see if you can get some additional support from the school system. Your boy isn't bad--he just may need some extra help learning how to cope with the structure of the classroom, and within the social group setting.

Good luck!!

jlewis2896 · May 2011

My son is 9 and we have similar problems, not with argumentativeness, but mainly with him not listening to directions or walking around the classroom during the middle of a lesson. (He layed down on the floor during one activity because 'he was bored.')

His teacher is new, just out of college, and very soft-spoken. At first I assumed that she just lacked the experience to deal with a child who was obviously just bored. But after talking to her a few times, I realized she just was not confident around parents, she is very good with the children.

I guess my only advice to you would be to set limits and rewards for your son. Since it would be difficult to get a better understanding of his teacher's actions/thoughts, set goals for your son. We told my son that if he went one week with all blue days he could pick out a movie for us to watch together. Every day that he comes home, I ask him "Blue Day?" and high five him if it was a good day.

If he has a mark against him, I make him write apology letters to his teachers for not paying attention or talking during class. He HATES this!!! But it's been very effective. He's written two letters and then had no further incidences in those classes.

Good luck to you, I think it's great that you are addressing the issue instead of ignoring it!

MLouis1 · May 2011

Kids do/will act differently at school. What happens after he reaches black or even red? Is there a set school "punishment?" Of course, kids do not act the same if parent is there but sometimes they revert back to school "mode." If possible I would go spend a day at school with him. Sit in the back. Don't be his buddy all day. Of course be kind to him, maybe eat lunch with him. Tell teacher you are only there to watch him and see if you can figure out why he is acting like this. I am a retired teacher - 7/8 grades - haaving parents "visit" for the day was a great behavior "shaper" with them, only because they were mortified! Good luck! School is over soon, new teacher/new class next year.

mandijo · May 2011

I'm going to come at this from 2 sides- a teacher and a parent.

First off, all teachers are different. So let me make it clear that these are MY opinions and may or may not have anything to do with this teacher. How long has this teacher been teaching? If it's only a few years, she may still be learning the ropes. 2nd, pat yourself on the back that you are doing something to help solve this problem. There is nothing worse as a teacher when you are having issues with a child, and the parents refuse to believe there is a problem. With that being said, I know that our children can be 2 VERY different kids at home and at school. Maybe share some things that have worked with you at home to help stop/prevent those behaviors. Sit down with this teacher and figure out the situations detail by detail so that next year you can be prepared to deal with them, if they in fact, are issues next year. I don't know how many days of school there are left for your son, but over here, our kids have CHECKED out. That's not to say the behaviors are appropriate, but could be a reason for why this is going on. Either way, keep communicating and answers will come.

As a parent, it is super frustrating to get these calls and wonder how the heck to solve a problem when it isn't a problem at home. I often wonder if the teachers always have such a strong presence. I'm a teacher that demands respect and responsibility, but I try to teach them in loving ways, and it's disappointing when my kids have teachers who lack those things or worse yet, don't teach them. My child was caught cheating on a spelling test 2 times this year. My daughter is typically a great student, and we've never had any issues so this was totally surprising to me. I was furious. When we sat down with her and asked her why, she said she didn't want to get any wrong. She was afraid of failure. Wrong as it may be, there was a reason-logical to her, as to why she did it. We used it as a teachable moment and said that there are consequences to those actions. The teacher was aware that we supported the consequences, and at home, we made her study spelling words for a half hour each night. It never happened again.

My point is this. Kids are kids. Sometimes there are explainable reasons for this behavior, and sometimes there aren't. Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and sit down with her. If you find you were right all along, request your other children don't have her. BUT REMEMBER, you are doing the right thing, and this too will pass! Good luck to you. Sorry for the incredibly long post. I hope it was helpful!

ZebraHead · May 2011

Preface: I am old (very old). Punishment back in my day meant something different than it does today. Is that right or wrong? That's another topic for another time.

When my parents needed to instill right and wrong after repeated verbal attempts, they knew of a sure fire way to force my compliance. And it worked. My father was a career Army Sergeant with little time for bullcrap. My mother was his backup.

Some may cringe in horror at the brutal concept, but nothing says loving like some real "TUFF LOVE" sometimes.

I am a better man today, with a value system that can't not be found in today's youth by and large. I credit this to my strict upbringing.

There may be a time when words and time-outs fail to produce the desired result in the growth of our offspring. And we as a society my not be offering them any kind of road map for the future without having this tool of discipline in our toolbox as parents.

It has almost become illegal to discipline our children in the manner I am alluding to, and this may be more government interference in 'family' matters, but this too is a topic for another time.

Having said all of this; my son is now 17 and he has been disciplined in the manner I am speaking of only once in his life. And he to this day remembers it and does not deny that he deserved it. I am able to convey my wishes for his behavior with a look, a tone, a subtle reminder of the 'tools' available to ensure compliance. These are the legacy my father left me.

And no I am not an evil person!

:flowerforyou: To each their own.:flowerforyou:

JenniferH81 · May 2011

My daughter gets a blue card (first card after 3 verbal warnings) just about every day at school. She has issues with talking, she just is unable to control it.
She's 8, and it's been happening since she started school.

I've tried all sorts of punishments, no toys, no video games, no tv. Also rewards on days where she doesn't get a blue card...but nothing works. she'd rather just be social I guess.

TexasNurseMom78 · May 2011

My son is 7 in first grade and has a lot of these issues too. I think boys are easily distracted in general and have a hard time stying on task. Also, could he be bored? thats what was going on with mine too. And my daughter too for that matter. If they are not challanged and are bored, they tend to act out. I know it is frusterating. maybe next year will be better. Have you asked to have him tested for learning difficulties? Kids who are dyslexic or have other issues act out too out of frustration due to not understanding the material or feeling left out. Hope it gets better.

SommerJo · May 2011

We have struggles with our 11 year old too.

My suggestion would be to have someone unknown to your child observe his behavior in the classroom. As a graduate student working on my social work degree -- I provided case management services for a local behavioral/mental health center. I was frequently assigned to schools to observe a specific student's behavior. At first, kids were apt to "behave" since there was a new face -- but most settled into their normal patterns of behavior.

I would suggest against having a parent or other relative present for two reasons -- 1. he'll likely adjust his behavior to "home" behavior and the teacher will want you there everyday 2. the known person will be a distraction to your child -- causing him to seek out one on one attention when he should be focus on school.

Since this behavior is mainly seen at school -- more than likely it has environmental causes and is not some indication that he has "rotten egg" syndrome.

Best of luck to you and your family.

SweetLe · May 2011

just a couple of thoughts from a former school nurse and mom of a now teenager. it's very close to the end of the school year and these little guys sometimes "burn out" by now. could be just time for a break if this is not normal behavior for him. if you see this behavior continuing and he has no specific reason for it you might want to chat with his doctor about it. could also be just a personality clash with this particular teacher. i would also probably request to not have her for your younger child. probably not much you can do about it yet this school year. i would just monitor his behavior over the summer and into the next school year to be alert for any similar problems. you already have daycare in the loop, so that's a good thing. if things are fine in the summer and it starts up again with the new school year, consider talking to the school guidance counselor for input. good luck!!

I SO agree with this. My daughter also has the color coding at school (but they go by the rainbow, starting at Green for the day, they can move up to a blue or purple if they are good or they can go to yellow, orange and red if they are bad). In the beginning of the school year she always got green or better. Now for the last 2 months all she has been getting is yellow or orange....nearly everyday. She is pokeing other kids, talking over the teacher, calling out etc. Its now nearly impossible to get anything better than an yellow from her. But she also brings this attitude home with her. Even grounding her (yes i ground my 6 year old) doesnt do anything. She ends up smiling at me and walking away. WTH

Anyway i agree with it being the end of the school year, he is probably burnt out like the rest of the kids. Just know that your not alone hun, we can go crazy together over this lol

Hope things go better for you!

Akiyah · May 2011

I have had to go to school and sit with my son the whole day but it didn't work b/c he behaved rather well when I was there.

kelsully · May 2011

I taught high school for a few years before having my crew of 4 kids. I now substitute teach in the elementary grades. The one thing that I think is imperative in handling this is trying to communicate your desire to facilitate your son in the school setting. It may feel silly or frustrating to have to do this but questions like " can you give me a really clear description of his behavior yesterday so I can rack my brain to see if I have an insight for you?" Make sure when communicating with the school you find out their words and actions too...as the way they communicate with him might trigger him..ie some adults ask when they mean to command.." why don't we get our crayons out...ok ?" Some kids will get their crayons out and some won't until it is a clear command..."ok class, put your glue away now and take out your crayons...thank you". To the one who requests they might think a child is being defiant but doesn't realize they gave the kid the chance to not take out the crayons by making it sound like a request....see if you can determine her approach and how it matches yours and that of daycare and see if maybe you can develop some ideas for the teacher too....

NWfluffy · May 2011

We also tend to think a little out of the modern box for discipline with your 11 year old son. He's terrible about arguing/back talking. He gets one verbal warning. Then I say "that's 10". If he continues arguing/talking back I say "that's 20". I rarely get beyond 30 before he controlls his mouth. The numbers are situps or pushups, which ever I feel like. Some days we add running up the staircase, in which case one run up and down the staircase equals 10 pushups.

Another idea -- if he has a bad day at school (we do

or

from the teacher) he loses all screens for 24 hours (tv, computer, wii, game boy, etc.).

Writing sentences worked well when he was younger, too, and now if he does something really big, he has to write an essay on whatever the offence was e.g. sneaking, teasing that turns into bullying. That usually ends up with some good conversation about motivation, actions, etc.

The advice about finding out if he has challenges in the classrom with the work being too hard or too easy is helpful, too. Many of our previous behavior problems in class stemmed from him getting his work done quickly and then not "making appropriate use of his unstructured time". Yes, they really said that regarding a 2nd/3rd/th grade boy! Good luck - a high energy child with challenges in school can be a handfull

missbp · May 2011

I have so many thoughts floating through my mind at the moment, I would be writing this all day, if I tried to express them all.

Several things could be going on here. If he is not being challenged enough in the classroom, he may be acting out out of boredom. Kids enter kindergarten with a wide range of abilities. In most public schools across the US, curriculums are designed to meet the needs of the average student. The children who are not exceptionally gifted or a struggling learners, are the majority in public schools. All of the children who do not fit into that window, unfortunately do not enter the ideal learning environment most days. I think teachers do their best to accommodate the needs of their kids, but the reality is, the whole system is set up for those middle of the road students.

If your son is a struggling learner, he may be acting out of frustration. In his mind may know he is smart, but for some reason, he is just not getting it like the other kids. I have two of these children. Both are intellectually gifted, but they also have a learning difference which makes it really hard for them to make sense of the curriculum at it is designed. Learning differences could be anything from attentional issues, phonological processing issues, fine motor weakness etc. The list goes on and on.

The thing to remember is, if your son is one of those struggling learners, it does not mean he is not at bright as his classmates. In many cases, he is likely to be of superior intelligence. That is what causes the frustration. I was also this student. I actually believed I was stupid pretty much throughout my academic career.

Another thought that comes to mind is, where is the positive reinforcement in your son's classroom? How are positive behaviors being rewarded? Taking away recess for a kindergardener seems a bit harsh. If a child stays green all day, does he/she earn a privilege? My son was in a class where the teacher handed out tangible rewards for positive behavior. It was a disaster!!! He became programed to believe that everytime he did what he should be doing, he was entitled to some reward. It made our home life hell. And no matter how many times I spoke up and said 'this needs to stop', it never did. I finally pulled him out and put him in a school that was appropriate to his learning style. They don't use a reward system and my son flourished there. BUT, I still think in the case of your son, there is too much focus on the negative behavior and not enough on the positive. Kids should feel empowered by doing the right thing. Many experts believe that shining more light on good behavior is more effective then constant focus on negative behavior. This is true with adults too. We all like being told we are doing a good job.

I don't think you can do much about this with the end of the year drawing near. Maybe just let him know that you love him and realize that this year was tough for him, but you are confident that next year will be better. I also would discover where on the grid your son falls. Is he a middle of the road learner, a gifted learner or a struggling learner. The faster you figure this out, the better you will be able to advocate for his educational needs. I would definitely request teachers who use positive reinforcement in their classrooms. Particularly in the K-5 years.

Inbox me if you have any comments or questions. I have been at this for about 5 years now. My kids are going into 5th grade and I pride myself on being an advocate for all children who want to learn and grow in a safe educational environment.

Michelle

small boy's school behavior... thoughts?

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