Kids' eating disorders?
atypicalsmith
Posts: 2,742 Member
Started to write this on another thread, but didn't want to "hijack" it. But it made me think about my niece and nephew.
I worry about my niece. She's 11 years old, weighs 132 pounds, and is about 5' tall and big boned. She has stretch marks on her inner thighs. I've educated her about calories (using ME, not her, as an example), but of course I have no control over what she eats except at my house once a week. Meanwhile, her brother, age 9, is short and skinny, but has an aversion to most food. When I fix him something he likes, he wolfs it down. They, as their mother does, love sweets more than anything. I usually only get to see them once a week as I pick them up from after-school day care, feed them dinner, then take them to scouts at church. Once every month or two, they might spend a night or two with me over the weekend, but the older they get, the more rarely that happens.
There's nothing I can do about what they eat at home. But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
I worry about my niece. She's 11 years old, weighs 132 pounds, and is about 5' tall and big boned. She has stretch marks on her inner thighs. I've educated her about calories (using ME, not her, as an example), but of course I have no control over what she eats except at my house once a week. Meanwhile, her brother, age 9, is short and skinny, but has an aversion to most food. When I fix him something he likes, he wolfs it down. They, as their mother does, love sweets more than anything. I usually only get to see them once a week as I pick them up from after-school day care, feed them dinner, then take them to scouts at church. Once every month or two, they might spend a night or two with me over the weekend, but the older they get, the more rarely that happens.
There's nothing I can do about what they eat at home. But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
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Replies
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Best advice I can say with what was posted, back off, this is not your job to entertain fixing this... This problem starts and ends in their home..
You can make suggestions while they are in your direct care, but this will not carry over to them practicing any new behaviors and they will continue with the learned behavior of their own parents.
Give them love and attention.0 -
its not your kid
stay out of it0 -
Don't mean this in a rude way but in my opinion it's not really your place. Can you talk to the mom about your concerns? Tell her the reason you want to pick them up? If not, you are treading in dangerous territory.0
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It's not your place and other than to lead by example, there is nothing you should be doing.0
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Good news, nothing here suggests eating disorder. Just model good habits, home cooking, etc.gotobedhungry wrote: »they both sound totally normal. skinny kid who is a picky eater, but eats things he likes. girl at puberty age. She isn't obese, it's normal for girls to put on some weight around puberty. Unless she's a binge eater, she's probably fine. She most likely will lose the weight naturally as she gets taller/older. An 11 year old should not be thinking about calories. Don't project your issues onto her.
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Perhaps you could have a conversation with their mother and casually bring up the topic of the kids and what they like to eat when they're at your house. If she's open to it and not defensive about her kid's diets, then you might want to gently let her know that you may have some concerns about their nutritional needs. Hopefully she'll listen with an open mind and take your advice or at least sincerely address your concerns. I think it's nice of you to love your niece and nephew enough to care about their health. But at the end of the day, it's always up to the parents to make decisions regarding their children. Perhaps they're a bit naive about health and nutrition and maybe you can help educate them about it. If this doesn't work out as you hoped, you can at least know that you tried.0
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It's not your place. So you niece is a little overweight right now... she's a kid... she's still growing. Just because she's chubby now doesn't mean she will be later. For example, my BIL (who is much much younger and only 17), when he was like 10-14 he was chubby. Around 15-16 he started really leaning out. Now he's into Rugby and he's definitely not chubby anymore and getting some muscle growth going on. I think it's premature to assume your niece is going to remain 'bigger'. She hasn't even hit puberty yet, give her a chance. As for your nephew, again, he's a kid. Kids are picky. Leave it alone.
IMO, if it were me and my SIL 'suggested' my kids eat at her house for dinner everyday, not only would I question it, but if I found out the reasoning, I would be offended as hell, and you could bet those few visits that are in place... wouldn't be happening at all.
That's a mighty fine and dangerous line you're walking.0 -
Neither of these say "eating disorder" to me, but obviously I've only got your description to go by, you actually know these kids.
Please be careful about suggesting to a parent that their child has an eating disorder. When I was 16, a family friend told my parents she thought I was bulimic because - get this - I ate three slices of pizza and then went right to the bathroom and left the water in the sink running "too long." It took months of having people all in my business before people realized that was normal teenage girl behavior and not an eating disorder.
I think it's a good discussion though, in terms of how we can model good eating habits for the children we are entrusted to raise or help raise.
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atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.0 -
I guess I should have mentioned that at the beginning.0
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atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Well that's an opportunity, you can just offer to pick them up and feed them a few times a week to give stepdad a break. Then you can teach them to cook some of the healthy things they like.0 -
gotobedhungry wrote: »they both sound totally normal. skinny kid who is a picky eater, but eats things he likes. girl at puberty age. She isn't obese, it's normal for girls to put on some weight around puberty. Unless she's a binge eater, she's probably fine. She most likely will lose the weight naturally as she gets taller/older. An 11 year old should not be thinking about calories. Don't project your issues onto her.
Agree. They sound like normal kids. I had approx. the same stats when I was that age, and I had stretch marks on my legs from a growth spurt. When I joined jr high sports teams in 7th grade, I slimmed down some.
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I have 2 views on a topic like this.
I think this is a really tough subject and it's more than likely a losing battle for you since they are not your kids. If they were not family, immediate family then I would say that you should mind your business. It can only lead to trouble.
These being your niece and nephew I would say you need to consider what the parents reaction would be if you brought it up to them. Then that should tell you what's the right move. Families don't operate the same and I don't know yours.
My brother has a 22 year old daughter who is my god daughter as well and he has 2 sons ages 19 and 16. We are a tight family and we have no boundaries as far as what we address towards each other. I have free reign to say what I please with the kids and I have when it comes to school, hanging out with their friends, dating, drugs, etc. Obviously off limits would be hitting them, that would be wrong and I would never do it.
Thanks, Mr. M27!0 -
PeachyPlum wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Well that's an opportunity, you can just offer to pick them up and feed them a few times a week to give stepdad a break. Then you can teach them to cook some of the healthy things they like.
That's what I was thinking, too, Peachy Plum. Thanks for the support.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Perhaps that is their family time with their stepfather.
I am sure their mother is fully aware of what they are eating since she lives in the same house and presumably buys the groceries.
If my sister tried to tell me how to raise my kids, it would not end well.
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fallenoaks4 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Perhaps that is their family time with their stepfather.
I am sure their mother is fully aware of what they are eating since she lives in the same house and presumably buys the groceries.
If my sister tried to tell me how to raise my kids, it would not end well.
This has nothing to do with me trying to tell them how to raise their kids. Where did you get that from?0 -
What exactly did you say to educate her about calories?
This reminds me of when I was 13 and had two of my aunts and my grandma lecture me about my eating habits. While they didn't outright say anything about my weight, I knew it was their way of telling me that I was fat.
23 years later and I'm still reminded of that incident every time I see green peppers. That was what they were encouraging me to eat during that lecture.
My point is that it might seem harmless to talk about it to her especially if you are talking about yourself, but you never know what kind of impact that will have on your niece. Even if you don't say anything about her weight directly she may take it that way and you have no way of knowing what that will do to her emotionally or what it could do to your relationship with her.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »PeachyPlum wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Well that's an opportunity, you can just offer to pick them up and feed them a few times a week to give stepdad a break. Then you can teach them to cook some of the healthy things they like.
That's what I was thinking, too, Peachy Plum. Thanks for the support.
This all the way. They sound like they are a busy family and could actually use the assistance. Seems like you would be helping in more ways than one. Either way, it is good of you to care enough to sacrifice so much of your time. You're a good sister.0 -
atypicalsmith wrote: »I have 2 views on a topic like this.
I think this is a really tough subject and it's more than likely a losing battle for you since they are not your kids. If they were not family, immediate family then I would say that you should mind your business. It can only lead to trouble.
These being your niece and nephew I would say you need to consider what the parents reaction would be if you brought it up to them. Then that should tell you what's the right move. Families don't operate the same and I don't know yours.
My brother has a 22 year old daughter who is my god daughter as well and he has 2 sons ages 19 and 16. We are a tight family and we have no boundaries as far as what we address towards each other. I have free reign to say what I please with the kids and I have when it comes to school, hanging out with their friends, dating, drugs, etc. Obviously off limits would be hitting them, that would be wrong and I would never do it.
Thanks, Mr. M27!
Don't thank me, it will throw off our feng shui.
ROFL!! (ooops, scratch that)0 -
They don't have an eating disorder. I assess kids/women with eating disorders and... this isn't what it looks like. Do not talk to children about being 'big boned' or anything that talks about their physical appearance. You don't know how it will impact them for years to come.0
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I just love them so, and I don't knowatypicalsmith wrote: »PeachyPlum wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »atypicalsmith wrote: »But I'm thinking of offering to pick them up from day care and feeding them dinner at my house during the week. I doubt their mom will agree, but I suppose it's worth a try. Any suggestions?
Family time around the dinner table is often when parents catch up with their kids, what they did at school, etc.
You want to take that away from this family?
I'm sure your intentions are good, but think about it for a minute.
They don't have family time. She works until 7:00 or 8:00 at night, and her husband, their stepfather, usually feeds them whatever he can get his hands on until he goes to work after their mother gets home.
Well that's an opportunity, you can just offer to pick them up and feed them a few times a week to give stepdad a break. Then you can teach them to cook some of the healthy things they like.
That's what I was thinking, too, Peachy Plum. Thanks for the support.
This all the way. They sound like they are a busy family and could actually use the assistance. Seems like you would be helping in more ways than one. Either way, it is good of you to care enough to sacrifice so much of your time. You're a good sister.
Thanks so much! All I want to do is help, not belittle anyone in any way. Your advice is much appreciated.0 -
I don't think that you need to worry much about them. They both sound like normal, typical kids.
For your niece, at 11, she is hitting puberty (if she hasn't already) and adjusting to all the hormone changes and body shape changes that go with that. There is a good chance she is still growing (height wise), but as someone who is 5' tall, I can tell you that 132 is an okay weight. (Stretch marks are very normal with the rapid growth girls go through at this age). My daughter was also about the same height and weight and build at 11, and still is now at 16 and she has a lovely hourglass shape and is very healthy. It's good to model eating appropriate foods for your body, but be very careful that you don't give her a message that she has to count calories all the time, because that CAN develop into an eating disorder.
As for the 9 year old, boys can often be small and skinny through childhood. Both my sons were small for their age at 9 (one quite a bit so), and quite picky eaters (a lot of it is texture for one). They grow out of it. One of my boys is now 14 and growing like a weed, though still super skinny. That's how boys are.
There's nothing wrong with kids liking sweets. And you really don't know what they eat at home ... it might be far better than you make it sound ("anything he can get his hands on"). When they are with you, model healthy eating behaviors -- fruits and vegetables and lean meats especially, but not counting calories -- and an active lifestyle. If you think it may help your sister out to pick them up a couple of days a week and feed them dinner, offer it, but only as a way to help her out with the difficult schedule she and her husband seem to have. (I know I would/have been upset when a family member suggested I was doing something wrong in raising my kids, even just in how I fed them, and I even lost trust in family members for a while because of that sort of thing, so be very careful to avoid any sort of insinuation)0 -
I'd like to echo MrM27 in that I don't know your family, so I can't give advice so much as some thoughts based on who I am and my own experiences.
I wouldn't bring it up directly. i.e. "I'm concerned about your kids' weight/health" type of thing. It's their mom's business/responsibility, and it sounds like she has a lot going on, and probably wouldn't take it the way you'd want her to. And if the kids got wind of it, especially the 11 year old, I'd worry that it would increase their self-consciousness.
I also wouldn't try to drastically change those kids, "fix" them (their weight, eating habits, etc).
But I don't see why you can't ask to have them come over sometimes, and feed them, and you don't have to feel like you're being underhanded or lying, as if you have a secret agenda. I had family do that for me and those were some of the highlights of my childhood -- I have NO idea if they had any agenda regarding my food, I just liked being there and spending time with them.
So if they aren't sleeping over as often as they used to, the way you spend time together will have to change. A bit of after-school care and food sounds fun to me. Plus, 11 is a great age to learn more about cooking and food prep, and 7 is old enough to get involved, so if you could get them interested / get them to participate, bonus. If they're having fun and learning, that will be really beneficial for their eating habits down the line.
If the parents say no, maybe you could start scheduling the odd activity together. Ice skating or swimming or a picnic in the park or a beach day or something. Again, it doesn't have to be about you trying to butt in or control them. But I think it's fair to incorporate who you are into your exchanges -- you're their aunt, so you are going to have an influence in your own way by just being you. If you have a passion for cooking or are interested in certain foods or you like to be active, then it's great to share that with the kids. I used to bake with my Grandma because she baked a lot. There doesn't have to be anything more to it.
TLDR: Dial down the worry. Don't say anything to the parents. Don't try to "fix" the kids. Do try to spend more time with them, try to have fun, and feel free to do that by sharing who you are and what you like, which can include food and physical activity.0 -
I don't think that you need to worry much about them. They both sound like normal, typical kids.
For your niece, at 11, she is hitting puberty (if she hasn't already) and adjusting to all the hormone changes and body shape changes that go with that. There is a good chance she is still growing (height wise), but as someone who is 5' tall, I can tell you that 132 is an okay weight. (Stretch marks are very normal with the rapid growth girls go through at this age). My daughter was also about the same height and weight and build at 11, and still is now at 16 and she has a lovely hourglass shape and is very healthy. It's good to model eating appropriate foods for your body, but be very careful that you don't give her a message that she has to count calories all the time, because that CAN develop into an eating disorder.
As for the 9 year old, boys can often be small and skinny through childhood. Both my sons were small for their age at 9 (one quite a bit so), and quite picky eaters (a lot of it is texture for one). They grow out of it. One of my boys is now 14 and growing like a weed, though still super skinny. That's how boys are.
There's nothing wrong with kids liking sweets. And you really don't know what they eat at home ... it might be far better than you make it sound ("anything he can get his hands on"). When they are with you, model healthy eating behaviors -- fruits and vegetables and lean meats especially, but not counting calories -- and an active lifestyle. If you think it may help your sister out to pick them up a couple of days a week and feed them dinner, offer it, but only as a way to help her out with the difficult schedule she and her husband seem to have. (I know I would/have been upset when a family member suggested I was doing something wrong in raising my kids, even just in how I fed them, and I even lost trust in family members for a while because of that sort of thing, so be very careful to avoid any sort of insinuation)
I totally agree. I don't quiz them about what goes on at home, but they occasionally let the cat out of the bag. I pretend to not hear and make light of it because the last thing I want to do is to alienate their mother and stepfather. I never told my niece to count her calories; just explained scientifically what a calorie was in response to her questions. Which is why I suspect there is a bit of eating disorders going on at home. I would never, ever suggest that to any of them.0 -
They don't have an eating disorder. I assess kids/women with eating disorders and... this isn't what it looks like. Do not talk to children about being 'big boned' or anything that talks about their physical appearance. You don't know how it will impact them for years to come.
I don't, but suspect their mother does.0 -
futuremanda wrote: »I'd like to echo MrM27 in that I don't know your family, so I can't give advice so much as some thoughts based on who I am and my own experiences.
I wouldn't bring it up directly. i.e. "I'm concerned about your kids' weight/health" type of thing. It's their mom's business/responsibility, and it sounds like she has a lot going on, and probably wouldn't take it the way you'd want her to. And if the kids got wind of it, especially the 11 year old, I'd worry that it would increase their self-consciousness.
I also wouldn't try to drastically change those kids, "fix" them (their weight, eating habits, etc).
But I don't see why you can't ask to have them come over sometimes, and feed them, and you don't have to feel like you're being underhanded or lying, as if you have a secret agenda. I had family do that for me and those were some of the highlights of my childhood -- I have NO idea if they had any agenda regarding my food, I just liked being there and spending time with them.
So if they aren't sleeping over as often as they used to, the way you spend time together will have to change. A bit of after-school care and food sounds fun to me. Plus, 11 is a great age to learn more about cooking and food prep, and 7 is old enough to get involved, so if you could get them interested / get them to participate, bonus. If they're having fun and learning, that will be really beneficial for their eating habits down the line.
If the parents say no, maybe you could start scheduling the odd activity together. Ice skating or swimming or a picnic in the park or a beach day or something. Again, it doesn't have to be about you trying to butt in or control them. But I think it's fair to incorporate who you are into your exchanges -- you're their aunt, so you are going to have an influence in your own way by just being you. If you have a passion for cooking or are interested in certain foods or you like to be active, then it's great to share that with the kids. I used to bake with my Grandma because she baked a lot. There doesn't have to be anything more to it.
TLDR: Dial down the worry. Don't say anything to the parents. Don't try to "fix" the kids. Do try to spend more time with them, try to have fun, and feel free to do that by sharing who you are and what you like, which can include food and physical activity.
Absolutely!0 -
Please don't bother your niece over her weight. She is eleven and too young to worry about that, she is still growing and will probably grow out of the weight. My own mother was constantly on me about calories when I was young(10-15). This lead to me having some serious issues with food for most of high school. Between starving myself and serious over eating the last year or so to prove 'I'm okay with food'. I still am struggling a lot with accepting that in time I may have to eat more than 1400-1500 calories a day to maintain a good weight.
Also a skinny child who is a picky eater. As long as he shows an appetite it is just not eating food he doesn't like. The only advice I give is always offer him a varied diet when he comes to visit. Introduce him to different foods so he can taste them. If he doesn't like it just remind him that taste buds change over time and to always give food and second chance.0 -
They don't have an eating disorder. I assess kids/women with eating disorders and... this isn't what it looks like. Do not talk to children about being 'big boned' or anything that talks about their physical appearance. You don't know how it will impact them for years to come.
So true.
I got 'talked to" A LOT about my weight, including a mother saying I wasn't fat just "big boned," and a father who blamed her because I was fat and asking her why she wasn't making me lose weight. All you can do is lead by example and hope they catch on to some good habits.
No, I would not talk to their parents about their weight. What you describe are not eating disorders.0
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