Dealing with finances

cbratthauer
cbratthauer Posts: 228 Member
edited September 27 in Chit-Chat
So I have an issue, it's really just an issue I think I need to get over, but sometimes it's easier to get some advice from third parties! My fiance makes more money than I do so he contributes more to extras. This is the first relationship I have been in where I haven't been the one who makes the most and pays for most everything so I am having a hard time dealing with this. I pay half of the bills (house payment, cable, internet, phone) and then we each have our own separate car payments that we pay. I make enough at my day job to pay my bills but nothing much to set aside or to spend on "fun" stuff if we do anything. I picked up a second part-time night job just so I could stick a few hundred away each month to go towards a larger house and car when we decide to start having children. My fiance has quite a bit in his saving account saved up for these things. I guess it just bugs me that I can't put as much towards things like this as he can. I graduate in July and am REALLY hoping to get a better paying job. I'm also trying to start my own bakery so that when the time comes to have children I am successful enough that I can do this at home while being home with the kids. I grew up working on a farm, and you pull your weight. I think it's more of a I don't feel like I am pulling my weight. I have talked to him about all of this and how I feel and he doesn't know why I feel like I do. He doesn't think I should, because I pay my half of the bills. I get this, but every rennovation we do on the house comes from his savings, and I pitch in a few hundred when I can. Has anybody else felt this way and how do I make it stop!?

Replies

  • ShiloughCoy
    ShiloughCoy Posts: 73
    Well, let me know if you figure it out, my friend. My boyfriend is a wealthy man and gets extremely upset with me when I refuse to take any help from him when I need it, even if only just a short term loan!

    For me, its a need to know that we stand on equal footing, that I don't owe him anything, my time, my affection, or anything else, for having put in more than I did financially. In trying to justify this to a good friend of mine recently, I had to stop in my tracks when she said "so....you're just stubborn." I have to admit it. Yes, yes I am just stubborn. :/ I like to be independant, sometimes to my own detriment.

    Good luck, I hope we can both figure out the reasons behind these tendancies :)
  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
    How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If you made significantly more and could easily help...and he was working hard and going to school and trying to pull his weight. Would you feel resentful? Or would you be happy to contribute more knowing that down the road it will even out eventually...or not but didn't matter?
  • shanolap
    shanolap Posts: 1,204 Member
    It took me years to get over this with my husband! Let him be the man, the main bread-winner and TRUST that he will take care of you and the finances.

    That being said, we still don't have joint checking accounts and I have my own savings account. But he pays all the bills and takes care of our investments and main savings account. I contribute to a 401k and provide all the health & dental insurance and co-pays.

    My independence is important to our relationship and I need to bring my own to the table, it just has changed over the years. I don't worry about the mortgage payment and he doesn't worry about toilet paper and food. LOL!!
  • Bobbejo
    Bobbejo Posts: 12
    I have never understood 1/2-ing the bills when you are married. My husband and I have always put our money in 1 account, paid the bills, bought groceries, and then decided what to do with the rest. He make a lot more than I do, but I do the laundry, dishes, etc. It's a relationship. Maybe you guys should look at a more even percentage split than 50/50
  • NobodyKnows
    NobodyKnows Posts: 764 Member
    Are both of your names on the house?

    I completely understand you wanting to contribute equally to the finances, but that truly is not what is important in a marriage. I was the breadwinner when my wife and I got together. Over the years her career path has been much better than mine, and now makes a significant amount more than me. It isn't something that either of us worry about. We view our money as a whole, not separate parts.

    One other thing you didn't mention was retirement. Are you contributing to a retirement account? Believe me when I tell you that NOW is the time to contribute, and put as much in every month as you can afford. The sooner you make retirement accounts a priority, the better retirement you will have.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
    Maybe it's a bit different when married. But our incomes have always been "ours" (We've had separate bank accounts from time to time so he can have some play money I don't have to account for, he's a spender, I'm a saver, but most of his paycheck still goes into "my" account to pay the bills). I know that not everybody is like this. But for us, the idea is, we have built a life committed to each other, and we share everything. There have been times I haven't worked (when baby came or when I had a health issue) and times that he wasn't working (laid off or whatever) and we just put it all together anyway. That's part of what a relationship is.

    I know you aren't actually married yet. Maybe that will change how you feel some? Just realize that you are a team, and just because members of the team don't contribute in the exact same way doesn't mean that they are any less valuable to the team. I'm sure you're contributing in a lot of ways that aren't monetary.
  • PeachyKeene
    PeachyKeene Posts: 1,645 Member
    When dealing with finances in a committed relationship, where you share bills, etc., the easiest and best way to look at it is, what's his is mine and what's mine is his. If you are working as hard or harder than him, it doesn't matter that he gets paid more than you. That doesn't mean you don't pull your weight. You do what you can do and that is all that can be asked. If you could find a job you liked that paid more, I am sure you would take it right.

    My husband makes a little more money than I do, but he gets upset that he doesn't make a lot more than me because he is suppose to take care of me and what I make should just be gravy(if you know what I mean). My point is men like to feel needed, and they like to take care of us ladies, so don't feel bad if he makes more.
  • Liatush
    Liatush Posts: 627 Member
    When you think of your relationship as a partnership, you realize that things dont have to be exactly equal to be fair. You pull more than your weight since it seems like you put all of your money from 1 job into your share of the bills. You shouldnt have to feel guilty or bad about the fact that he makes more than you do. That happens often and then it should be a percentage of your income that goes toward your bills and "fun", not an equal split in the middle.
  • DESIREE1210
    DESIREE1210 Posts: 177 Member
    I have the opposite problem. I make a lot more than my husband and I pay for all of our extras, trips or whatever and he feels usless and not a man becuase of it.
    I told him he should be happy I'm not dependant on him and that i do have a great job.
    It also has a lot to do with the fact because of a severe back injury he couldnt work like he did, then eventually he went on disability because of condition.
  • coffeebydesign
    coffeebydesign Posts: 15
    I
  • cbratthauer
    cbratthauer Posts: 228 Member
    Are both of your names on the house?

    I completely understand you wanting to contribute equally to the finances, but that truly is not what is important in a marriage. I was the breadwinner when my wife and I got together. Over the years her career path has been much better than mine, and now makes a significant amount more than me. It isn't something that either of us worry about. We view our money as a whole, not separate parts.

    One other thing you didn't mention was retirement. Are you contributing to a retirement account? Believe me when I tell you that NOW is the time to contribute, and put as much in every month as you can afford. The sooner you make retirement accounts a priority, the better retirement you will have.

    Yes we both have 401Ks at are jobs and are investing quite a bit into these.
  • Thechelsquito
    Thechelsquito Posts: 2
    Stop bellyaching you are fortunate to have a man that takes care of his own, this is youre time to shine lady! let him cater to you, you deserve it, every woman does. I pray for what you have everyday, I am in debt, because of an ex, I am a single mother because of that same ex and I struggle monthy to make ends meet.

    So please, be grateful for what you have, do what you love and love what you do.
  • cbratthauer
    cbratthauer Posts: 228 Member
    Thank you everybody for the advice and support. I know we are a unit and it is "our" stuff not mine not his. I think it just is coming from past relationships where I have been the one to make more. I know he doesn't think of it as his money paying for all of this stuff, so I just need to try harder to be ok with it as he obviously is! Like I said, I grew up working for what I have and I will continue to work for what we have. Maybe some of it has to do with the fact that when we first started dating, I made more than he did. Then I got a new job at a company I was hoping to further my career in and move up in. I am now finding out that this pay cut I took is not going to change, and was told by HR that once I receive my HR degree, I don't have room to move up with this company. It's very depressing knowing I took a pay cut for the last 2 years because I thought I had a future with this company making more, and now finding out I'm basically in a dead end job.
  • cbratthauer
    cbratthauer Posts: 228 Member
    Stop bellyaching you are fortunate to have a man that takes care of his own, this is youre time to shine lady! let him cater to you, you deserve it, every woman does. I pray for what you have everyday, I am in debt, because of an ex, I am a single mother because of that same ex and I struggle monthy to make ends meet.

    So please, be grateful for what you have, do what you love and love what you do.

    I'm sorry I am definitely not trying to come off as ungrateful. I am grateful every day for what I have! I was put into debt by my ex-fiance and after my next paycheck and 5 years I will pay off the last of this debt!
  • NoExcuseTina
    NoExcuseTina Posts: 506 Member
    I have never understood 1/2-ing the bills when you are married. My husband and I have always put our money in 1 account, paid the bills, bought groceries, and then decided what to do with the rest. He make a lot more than I do, but I do the laundry, dishes, etc. It's a relationship. Maybe you guys should look at a more even percentage split than 50/50

    I agree...and want to add...when you and your fiance get married, I hope you look at the finances as "BOTH" your finances and not his and her's anymore...keeping finances separate till you are married is good...but after marriage I think it is best to combine finances into a marital account with marital income and marital expenses.

    The only way I would split things with a significant other or fiance is based on percentages (even if mine were higher)...just my opinion!
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