About 80+ lbs to lose, need support (really long post!)

Backstory:


I’m not sure where to start with this. First of all, thank you for having me. I’m anxious to even write here because I’d rather be avoiding my weight problem, and I’m also nervous about being criticized for my lifestyle but here goes. I’m a male, 27 years old (I don't know why my profile says 33!); I’m 6’2” and about 285 lbs the last time I was weighed. I think that’ll probably be the hardest thing to write here.

My weight has gone up and down since I was very young. I was put on an anti-depressant at age eleven and haven’t been off one since. Other medications have been added over the years, ones that are known to cause weight. You see—I suffer from a few different things, major-depressive disorder and two different types of anxiety disorders being the most difficult to deal with.

I’m not going to go into a whole story about my childhood and how the medication made weight gaining worse. I would like to talk about some history. If I go back to around 2010, I wasn’t this size. I could fit into nice clothing, I was much less self-conscious and I had a job. Fast-forward to 2011, I had a serious mental breakdown. They come every few years but this one was massive; so massive that I had to leave my job and go on short-term disability to recuperate.

I spent a lot of this time trying to come off medications—the worst being clonazepam, an anti-anxiety drug. The timeline for coming off a drug like this is much longer than anyone would assume. Think about a year to taper off and then a year to heal from the post-acute withdrawal symptoms. Anyway, this whole battle of coming OFF medication actually caused new mental disorders to arise (they call this iatrogenesis or something like that) and now I had panic disorder and even worse, agoraphobia (fear of leaving home). By 2013, I had tried to get off this drug three times and the third time was no charm. I got down to the last bit and became severely suicidal and therefor institutionalized. Here I was told that my attempts trying to come off this anti-anxiety drug were detrimental to my mental health and re-instated me on a substantial dosage despite the fact I was tolerant to them by this point. I just agreed to everything, I didn’t really remember much of it because they had me so doped up on a mood stabilizer. They also added an anti-psychotic to the mix which was known to be a weight gainer. So after the hospital, I was on more medication than anyone should be on. A lot of the depression stayed, the suicidal feelings came and gone. I turned to self-medicating with painkillers to kill emotional pain rather than physical. Most of this time was spent at home, in bed, feeling like I didn’t have a place in this world. A lot of the withdrawal symptoms from trying to come off of the clonazepam stuck with me to some degree (and still do to this day).

Weight, health:

After winter of last year, I had a slight boost of energy from the weather change. I weighed a lot and didn’t look healthy whatsoever. I went to the gym for a short while but the power depression held over me made me stop after a month’s time. The weakness, the fatigue, the general malaise, the physical pain, the loss of interest and motivation, it just broke me like it’s done time and time again.

I started covering all the mirrors around the house so I wouldn’t have to see myself. When it was absolutely necessary to shave, I’d have to take quick glances up at the mirror and look back down. I had a huge, disgusting gut, with stretch marks from rapid weight gain due to certain medications. When attendance was absolutely necessary for family functions, I would have to go despite the agoraphobia. I remember a few instances where photos were taken of me and then shown to me. You could not imagine the utter shock it was to see myself in a photo after avoiding looking at yourself for so long. I had a panic attack one time after being shown a photo of myself. I had to sit in the bathroom and wait for myself to stop freaking out. Even after it was over, the deep depression set in and would last for weeks. Just from a stupid photo.

I finally decided to try cognitive-behavioral therapy. It helped to some degree. I was forced to get out once a week and spill all my feelings to my therapist who was really cool but she eventually had to go on maternity leave and I didn’t want to start over with anyone else.

In the sessions I did have with her, we discussed how to replace the negative thoughts about my weight with positive ones. It was hard but I slowly started to feel a bit more confident about self-image whilst learning to accept what I have now and how to set healthy goals.

Right before she left, I had some bloodwork done. I had very low vitamin D levels (not a surprise) but a TERRIBLE cholesterol numbers. Good and bad were both very bad. My LDL was around 237 and I’m going into a panic even writing about it because I didn’t go the doctors to have this addressed. What I should have been thinking was, “Okay, that’s a dangerous number, things need to change now, I need to get my act together!” yet I went into a state of denial. Of course I was terrified when I first saw it but after a few days, I blocked it out of my head. And instead of turning to diet and exercise, I made it WORSE! I ate MORE, I smoke MORE and I’m chalking that up to being traumatized that I’m not even 30 and I’m at risk for heart disease (if I don’t have it already) and other diseases. I thought I probably was going to die young. I still think that when the thoughts about my weight come. I’m probably morbidly obese. Just having that label alone… you may as well say I have some terminal illness.

All of this happened in about 4 years because of mental illness, medication, and being too depressed to do anything about it. Sometimes it’s a blame game, do I blame myself or the mental illnesses? I often blame myself and then just try to put it out of my head again.

I don’t know how to fix this now. My sister gets these “Phentermine” pills that cause her to lose weight but with my anxiety, stimulants may not be good for me. I’ve also considered lap band. The whole thing terrifies me and the money, and will insurance cover it… So now a lifestyle change is WELL in order. I don’t even know if it’s possible. When do you hear from someone going from 300 lbs (which is PROBABLY what I’m at now, I don’t weigh myself because the numbers scare me) going to a normal weight, that had all of this major depression stuff going on? Sometimes I can’t even motivate myself to take a SHOWER during the day. I eventually do but most of the time, it’s at night.

My psychiatrist could change my medications around but it’s not as easy as you think if you aren’t familiar with it. Dropping one med to go another—I’ve done it so many times and it’s very difficult. I tried to switch from my Pristiq to Cymbalta and instantly became very suicidal. Plus, most anti-depressants cause weight gain anyway.

I am so lost right now, and I’m expecting criticism to be honest. I’m expecting to be called lazy, apathetic, and stupid—just with kinder words.

A few positive notes: one being that I’m starting to block everything less. I’m allowing these numbers to haunt me and trying not to let them send me into denial again. I’ve quit smoking and switched to vaping. Spring will be here sooner than later, that means my CBT therapist will return, my depression lessens a tiny bit, and my agoraphobia begins to lift.

Really sorry for the long read, I just had to write everything otherwise I’d be afraid if I do become an active member here, no one would understand my “disposition” or whatever you want to call it.

Please help with some guidance if you can.
Thank you.

tl;dr: Male, 27, probably around 300lbs (last time I was weighed I was 283ish but I fear the scale), hate myself for it, suffer major depression, high cholesterol, fear of dying, still can’t find motivation because of major depression, don’t know if I could the proper amount of weight with diet/exercise, afraid may need surgery.