Sad, need motivation

daisygirl111 · May 2015

I am a bit heavy for my height, I am 155 pounds at 5'5". However, I am in shape and have a lot of muscle. I run and do high intensity workouts regularly. I ran a half marathon this past fall, first ever race and I was able to complete it no problem with no breaks.

My mom acts like I am some obese girl. I honestly don't think I look horribly bad. I was 110 pre-kids, but I was a size zero then and I actually kind of like having some curves. I am currently a size 8/10, I wouldn't mind getting down to a solid size 6, which would mean losing 15-20 pounds. I have been struggling with this though and I think it's because my mom's feelings about me make me feel bad and make me NOT want to do anything. She is constantly giving me advice on how to eat better, how to get in more fruits/veggies, etc. I do eat healthy. She can't accept this. I gained the weight while on bed rest during my pregnancies. I went from a super active lifestyle to having to lay in bed for months. that's when I packed on the pounds, not now. If I could get the jump start cutting calories to lose the weight, I'd have no trouble maintaining it. But, every time I feel good and motivated I feel like she drags me down. She thinks heavy equals unhealthy and that is not necessarily the case. like, if she calls, and I don't answer, she will make comments on my voice mail like "hopefully your exercising now".... Like come on! I am t the gym doing high intensity workouts and running 5 times a week for 1-1.5 hours. I am wwwaaaayyy more fit than she will ever be or has ever been. she is also stuck on numbers, the scale number is everything to her. I have told her the things she says hurt me, and now she tries to hide her comments under other fronts or just makes a weird face if I say anything about being happy and feeling healthy the way I am.

Her comments unmotivated me. It's like now I don't want to work to lose the weight because she will feel it was her doing, that her comments helped me. How do I find the motivation to lose weight for me and not because of her crappy comments?

refuseresist · May 2015

Get a punchbag and express your anger on it!

brittanyhiatte · May 2015

Dont let her get you down, lose the weight for you! As hard as it is to look past what they are saying. Most of the time that people "talk the talk" its because they wont "walk the walk" keep your head up you can do this:)

Deena_Bean · May 2015

She sucks. You don't. Do what works for you, get to where you feel healthiest and that's where you should be. It sounds like you're pretty active, so adjust your calories and watch the magic happen! It doesn't actually matter what she thinks and you should tell her that. When you hit your goal, be done with it and tell her you are healthy and happy - and she should be happy for that and stop nagging.

Nuke807 · May 2015

Your mother sounds very close to mine as well. While I realize that I am a bit overweight she is constantly reminding me that I do not look like I did in my prime while I was in the Navy. You have got to do this for you, from the sounds of it you lead a healthy lifestyle, but as every parent knows, having kids changes your body due to lifestyle changes. As long as your blood work and annual physicals come back clean, and you are happy with how you look, that is all that is important. It got to the point with my mother that I had to explain to her that I am now an adult (36) and am capable of taking care of myself.

Best of luck in your journey, this site is great for support and information. Feel free to add me and we can keep each other accountable.

SonicKrunch · May 2015

Keep repeating this to yourself. "I am in shape and have a lot of muscle. I run and do high intensity workouts regularly. I ran a half marathon this past fall, first ever race and I was able to complete it no problem with no breaks." You are also a mother. You are doing fantastic. Personally 5'5 @155 is a great weight and I'm sure you look amazing.

sofaking6 · May 2015

How old are you that you still let your mom treat you this way? Why do you put up with it? Do you live with her? Does she pay your bills?

It really ought to be HER problem, whatever issues she has that cause her to be hurtful towards you. Now that you are an adult with your own children, show them by example how to stand up for yourself. Otherwise you risk letting her show them that's ok to hate your body and to hate the bodies of the people you're supposed to love.

fallenoaks4 · May 2015

Don't spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

xyzzzrubyannie · May 2015

Sorry to see you sad. Would a reply of .... No, I gave all that up(when she hopes you are exercising) I'm laying on the couch watching my soaps and eating Bon Bons. I would say keep calling her on it when she pushes. Tell her that she makes you so sad you're gonna go have a banana split to feel better, you know, fruit and dairy.....ultimately you need to reach a point where you are doing your exercise and healthy eating just for you. It makes you stronger and fit, both of which extend to every other facet of life.
Hope you feel better. If you're sad would a walk in the park help you feel better? Tickle the kids and listen to their laughter? Best wishes

JenniferIsLosingIt · May 2015

SonicKrunch wrote: »

Keep repeating this to yourself. "I am in shape and have a lot of muscle. I run and do high intensity workouts regularly. I ran a half marathon this past fall, first ever race and I was able to complete it no problem with no breaks." You are also a mother. You are doing fantastic. Personally 5'5 @155 is a great weight and I'm sure you look amazing.

This! ^^^

healthy_life2015 · May 2015

Wow I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. That is terrible!! (and I can totally relate)

Reading between the lines of what you said, it sounds like you are desperate for your mom's approval while at the same time recognizing that her idea of healthy is not correct and, more importantly, not your idea of healthy. Overcoming the need for her approval is ridiculously hard, but once you realize that you are seeking it, you can break the cycle. First you need to stop talking to her about this. Stop telling her that you're happy and healthy hoping that she'll agree with you; just tell YOURSELF that you're happy and healthy.

I've been through this and am still going through this to some degree, so add me if you could use some support!

So_Much_Fab · May 2015

The only thing you can do is hang up, walk away, etc. when she starts up. I wouldn't bother explaining yourself or trying to reason with your mom because she won't hear it anyway. You just need to remove yourself from those conversations when they come up.

daisygirl111 · May 2015

Oh I have tried to explain to my mom that I am adult as well.

Having kids is definitely a lifestyle change. I could eat a ton before kids as my life was full of constant activity, I could go on a 3 hour bike ride on a whim, play tennis with my hubs at any moment, etc. Now it has to be scheduled. I still eat like I am pregnant and breaks feeding also, thus maintaining the higher weight.

I know how to lose the weight, all I really need to do is stop with the night time snacking and learn to just throw away the kids' meals whether they eat it or not.

In my head though I think why bother because my mom thinks 135 is still overweight for me (when in actuality it would be right in the middle of a healthy weight range). she is actually the same height but 130 pounds and wears the exact same size as me..... Difference is my extra weight is muscle so I do weigh more than her.

Ugly, guess I need to just get over it but it is hard. It would be so nice if she just thought I was great the way I am and had less focus one people's appearance.

strong_curves · May 2015

Maybe you need to take a break for a little while from your mom. Especially on the days where you're not feeling your best. You have to change your mindset, try to think more positively about yourself and how you look. Give yourself daily affirmations.

I'm the same size as you, height & weight (I have a full body pic in my profile) and I have NEVER thought of myself as "a bit heavy".

ginny92802 · May 2015

It might be helpful to see a therapist who can help you learn how to establish appropriate boundaries with your mom. It sometimes helps to write down the things you don't want her to get involved with and decide what is really important to you, and then communicate to her that things she says are having a negative effect on your life and if she wants to be a part of it she has to respect your boundaries, including not lecturing you on your weight, making weird faces when you say you are happy, etc. Think about what the consequences of her breaking your rules are and enforce them.

drivenbonkers · May 2015

You know the truth about your progress towards being fit and healthy.

When she makes comments or does the weird face, call her out on it.

There's a great deal of truth in the old saying about you teach people how to treat you. Decide what you will put up with, and what you won't, and stick to it. Just because she's your mother, she's got no right to say things that hurt you.

If she insists of bringing up the subject, shut her down. every time. it may take a few times, but she will realize that you mean it.

jgnatca · May 2015

I would be sad if you dieted to please your mom (which sounds kind of impossible anyways). Your mother has body issues and she is projecting on you. You don't need this kind of dysfunction. What is missing in your relationship is boundaries, and there are things you can do to protect yourself from your mother's destructive comments.

I suggest rather than trying to diet to someone else's projected ideal, that you go and research boundaries and dealing with toxic parents.

http://www.amazon.ca/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming-ebook/dp/B000SEH80I

daisygirl111 · May 2015

Thanks for all of the support.

To the person who asked, oh my dear goodness no I don't live with my mom nor could I ever. While I know she loves us, she has severe anxiety and issues, I have trouble getting through a phone call or short visit with her. I could never live with her. But, she has always tried her best to control me even as an adult. She gets mad when her adult kids don't do/act/think as she does. It's hard to cut her off though because I really think she has our best interest at heart, but her normal meter is way off sometimes.

By saying I was a bit heavy, it wasn't to be offensive to anyone. I just meant that I do have a bit of excess fat on my hips and stomach area, I don't think the toning will help there as the muscle is there, so for my body I could lose a bit there. But, it's nothing that is obvious unless I posted naked pics! (not happening, lol)

You all are right, I just need to walk away from her and be myself.

harpsdesire · May 2015

You're an adult, and your mom is out of line.
Besides, how does she know how many pounds you weigh? I would stop volunteering any information about your health, weight or plans to her, and if she brings it up you can either sweetly change the subject, or tell her more briskly that you're setting a boundary around discussing your weight because he comments are not appropriate between two adults.

daisygirl111 · May 2015

She doesn't know how much I weigh, but she makes comments that she is 130 and therefore needs to lose weight, and how I definitely need to lose weight.

mistikal13 · May 2015

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but until you let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, I don't think you will be able to find the motivation you are looking for.

jgnatca · May 2015

Here's one way to establish boundaries. During one of your short visits, tell your mom that it too difficult to discuss your weight with her and you don't want to talk to her about it ever again. Tell her if she does bring it up again, you will be cutting the conversation short (including hanging up on her, or going home early). If she crosses the line you've clearly established, follow through. Be abrupt, swift, sure, but pleasant. Confident. The first time I hung up on my mom during one of her raves I quietly told her I would be hanging up, then I gently put the headset on it's receiver. Then I unplugged the phone (you know, the old-fashioned kind hard-wired in to the house. I'm old). She learned. Over time.

I think some self-validating talk in front of a mirror would be great. If you are running a half-marathon, you're a fit babe!

Sad, need motivation

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