old habits (anorexia)

heidee86 · May 2015

I used to be amazing at losing the baby weight quickly. I could go from a size 16 pant all the way down to a 10 in a couple of months. After one week of dieting this time and my weight barely budging, I was wondering what in the heck was going on! This time I'm exercising daily (which I never did before), still going under my calorie goal almost every day, and I'm feeling great. So why is the weight not just quickly melting off?!
Curious about the difference between this time and last, I looked up past food diaries from my last successful diet. I had an average daily caloric intake of about 500. This is *without* any kind of exercise. My meals would consist of rice cakes and tomato sauce with a sprinkle of cheese, one egg, a salad with one slice of deli turkey, and so on. A never-ending list of meals under 200 or even 100 calories. I was so focused on keeping this number as low as I could possibly get it.
As a teenager I'd struggle with anorexia, skipping every meal up until dinner and telling my parents I had a big lunch so I wouldn't have to eat a ton of food. Looking at these old diaries, I realize that my old habits never truly died - they just manifested themselves in a new way. Yes, my diet gave me results. No, I didn't gain it all back as soon as I started eating again (I had another baby). But I am fully aware that it wasn't healthy and I don't want to be that kind of example for my children.
At 5'9" I weigh 210lbs. My husband loves the way I look and food is one of our shared passions. But from my stomach down all I can see is this disgusting blob. I want to wear shorts without fearing people's whispers. I want to wear a cute swimsuit.
My youngest baby is now a year and a half old and there aren't really any excuses anymore. That's what I keep reading online at least. But my problem seems to be that either I overdo it on food or I don't eat enough. There doesn't seem to be much of an in-between in my head.
This time around I really need support. I want to lose at least 40 lbs - the slow, healthy way.

zoeysasha37 · May 2015

You need to overhaul your way of thinking about this then. It's great that you've realized your mistakes in the past and want to be healthy this time. You've already taken the first step.
Look at it like you want to be as healthy as possible, not as thin as possible. Look at it like you want to be strong and fit, not skinny. Look at it like a life style change, not a diet.
Start out by setting yourself up with a responsible daily calorie goal and sticking to it. Food is what fuels are bodies so you'll need fuel to keep going :-)
I started at your weight also. So it can be done the healthy way :-)

heidee86 · May 2015

Thanks!

zoeysasha37 · May 2015

Once you start thinking health instead of thin, the rest should follow. Since you already know you had an issue and are trying to prevent that, your a step ahead of the game. Many don't realize how unhealthy severe restriction can be until it's too late. Since your a mom, you want to set a good example for your kids and they deserve to have a happy healthy mom :-)

IAmTheGlue · May 2015

I have a long history of disordered eating. I have a 13 year old daughter and honestly, more than anything, she is the reason I am being very careful to lose weight in a healthy manner this time. I left my first husband (abusive a-hole) because of her. I didn't want my daughter to look at our relationship and see that is an okay way to be treated. I don't want her to see me crash dieting so I don't.

For me, it is still in my head... the disordered part. I don't think it will go away on its own. I just focus on my health and make sure that I am close to my calorie goal. Could I lose weight faster? Absolutely. I'm just trying to do what you described and be a good role model for my kids so maybe they won't have to go through all this.

daydreams_of_pretty · May 2015

heidee86 wrote: »

I used to be amazing at losing the baby weight quickly. I could go from a size 16 pant all the way down to a 10 in a couple of months. After one week of dieting this time and my weight barely budging, I was wondering what in the heck was going on! This time I'm exercising daily (which I never did before), still going under my calorie goal almost every day, and I'm feeling great. So why is the weight not just quickly melting off?!
Curious about the difference between this time and last, I looked up past food diaries from my last successful diet. I had an average daily caloric intake of about 500. This is *without* any kind of exercise. My meals would consist of rice cakes and tomato sauce with a sprinkle of cheese, one egg, a salad with one slice of deli turkey, and so on. A never-ending list of meals under 200 or even 100 calories. I was so focused on keeping this number as low as I could possibly get it.
As a teenager I'd struggle with anorexia, skipping every meal up until dinner and telling my parents I had a big lunch so I wouldn't have to eat a ton of food. Looking at these old diaries, I realize that my old habits never truly died - they just manifested themselves in a new way. Yes, my diet gave me results. No, I didn't gain it all back as soon as I started eating again (I had another baby). But I am fully aware that it wasn't healthy and I don't want to be that kind of example for my children.
At 5'9" I weigh 210lbs. My husband loves the way I look and food is one of our shared passions. But from my stomach down all I can see is this disgusting blob. I want to wear shorts without fearing people's whispers. I want to wear a cute swimsuit.
My youngest baby is now a year and a half old and there aren't really any excuses anymore. That's what I keep reading online at least. But my problem seems to be that either I overdo it on food or I don't eat enough. There doesn't seem to be much of an in-between in my head.
This time around I really need support. I want to lose at least 40 lbs - the slow, healthy way.

This is pretty much what happened to me with my eating disorder. I thought I'd be so freaking smart and figure out how to eat meals plus snacks but still keep my calories in the 500-800 calorie range because then I'd be "eating" and everything would be cool. It was not cool.

Then one day the binge eating started. (This is how I got fat.) For awhile, I kind of cycled between the 500-800 calorie days (where I thought I was beating the system) and binge days.

I had finally started to eat healthily and thought everything was fine, but my life has been a bit of a hot mess lately and it's kind of stirred things up a bit. It doesn't help that I temporarily ran out of food at my house.

I'm not sure what I have to contribute to this discussion advice-wise.

But I get it.

heidee86 · May 2015

I'm just glad other people get it. I don't really have anyone close who understands this problem. Most people wouldn't think I have ever had an eating disorder to look at me now. Each time I've had a kid I've gained between 60 and 80lbs. Yes, they were big babies, but I think I liked that I could finally get fat and have it be "cute". Now after our 3rd and final baby I just cannot get and stay into a healthy dieting mindset.

oedipa_maas · May 2015

It really is so tough to lose weight if you have an eating disorder background. I was bulimic for years and years and now that I'm recovered, I have to be very careful how I lose weight. You have a lot of insight into your past eating, which is a great first step. You sound like you are starting losing weight the right way, which is the way that makes you feel great. No suffering will lead to long term success. Don't be hard on the body you have now. Self hatred or disgust will only sabotage your efforts. Make a concerted effort to both accept your body, while balancing the need to make some changes. It's definitely possible, but you do have something extra to contend with that others don't. You can do it, though! Your clarity about then and now will serve you well. Keep eating well at a small deficit. You will definitely lose weight. Slow and steady will win the race!

amberjo1986 · May 2015

The time will pass anyways so just lose it slow and steady. It sounds like you're at a crossroads and the time to build healthy habits is NOW. You didn't gain weight overnight and you most certainly will not lose it overnight. However long it took to put on weight, that's about how long it will take to lose it. When I feel fat and ugly I try to find five things I like about myself, such as "I like my soft tummy" , "I like how my legs are getting stronger", " I like how my arms are stronger and I can lift boxes at work more easily." Say it out loud in a mirror. Self affirmations DO work, just stick with it.

old habits (anorexia)

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