feeling stuck

Ive been yoyoing with my weight all my life, even when I wasnt that heavy. Im now on theverge of weighing 100kg and im not motivated at all to lose weight. Im stuck in this cycle of hatred that just makes me crave comfort food. I saw a photo of when I was thin and it hurt that I never saw how thin I was. Last yr I lost ten kg and just put on more. Ive tried everything even not caring. I cant look at photos of myself. I never want toleave the house. Nor do I have any will to eat vcorrectly. I exercise but eat it all back as if my body needs fat to survive. Feeling reallydown and demotivated. Keep trying and failing and being judged on how I Look. Thats what set me bk last time. I lost ten kg and this guy mocked me abt how fat I am and how much I eat. At the time I was eating 1000cal a day. Now I cant stay at 1800 cal a day.... any advice or help is