Question about dealing with friends and challenges...

real_eyes · May 2011

Hey guys! So a little back-story here... I was invited to do a challenge with a few friends of mine who set up a 20lb weight loss goal. The idea was that we'd have each other for support and a kick in the *kitten* when we needed it.

About a month in, everyone is doing OK... I'm still starting to get the hang of eating right, but otherwise doing fine. A text to a couple of the girls every now and again to make sure everyone is on track. Fast-forward another month and a bit... I'm down 17lbs. I text the girls again, and without even telling them that I'm down 17, they're starting to get snappy with me. Telling me I'm rubbing it in that they're doing poorly (I'm really not, and had no idea they weren't doing well with the challenge).

I was just trying to encourage them, but they don't want it. So today, I'm down 22lbs and have officially won the challenge... and now I can't even tell anyone without fear of knocking someone off track or giving up because they haven't made it this far yet.

So my question is this... how do you deal with friends who are so down on themselves because of difficulty with weight loss success? Do I mention I'm even down as much as I am? It WAS a challenge, but I'd just rather encourage somehow than "brag".

Thanks in advance, MFP.

(Edited to say, you guys are the most supportive group I've met yet... feel free to friend request me, and I'll do the best I can to encourage all of you as well!)

jvbrooks · May 2011

That's a really good question.

My girlfriend and I are dieting and I've lost far more weight than her. So she's started measuring in terms of inches (which she's losing rapidly), and I've stopped telling her my weight loss.

There isn't much you can do, I guess. Maybe they'll grow up and realise they should be happy for you instead?

Heatherbelle_87 · May 2011

Unfortunantly this one depends on the personality of your friends. Certain friends (and people with personalities like my sister) just arent meant to be challeneged even in a friendly way because they are too competitive, their feelings get hurt too easily, ect. I actually refuse to do real-life challenges with friends or coworkers because of this

robertf57 · May 2011

Real,

You can only take care of you. I would keep my success to myself unless directly asked and be as encouraging as you can where appropriate. You know how well you have done and even if they don't want to admit it, they do too! Keep up the great work!

puggleperson · May 2011

You can brag here!!!!! We are wayyyy proud of you!! Your weight loss is awesome.. I don't think you will even need to say anything because I'm pretty sure they will be able to see it! They are just jealous. I would just le them know that you are there for them if they need you but honestly I say why even bother, they weren't there for you. You always have us at mfp. Keep up the great work!!

katt742 · May 2011

I posted a similar situation last week!! . Be proud of what you have accomplished. Dont feel bad...you are AMAZING for doing that well!!! I know its hard because Im kinda going through the whole thing but you know what? SCREW EM!! Rock on with your bad self!

gatorflyer · May 2011

First off, let me say, congratulations on an awesome job! Don't let anyone take that away from you, and FYI, it is OK to brag, it is quite an accomplishment. Secondly, recognize that you can't change their feelings of resentment towards you. If you have an investment in the frinedship, then you can try one more heart to heart (not via text, be supportive of them and explain you weren't trying to brag you were tryingt o be supportive by checking up on them. If you aren't invested, or if it doesn't work to try to talk to them, I would say, cut your losses and surround yourself with people who are supportive. Great job.

P.S. There is a battle of the bulge challenge going on here that you might be interested in checking out if you haven't already. Totally supportive group with an awesome leader.

Irene8509 · May 2011

Agree with all the above advise and congratulations on your weight loss.

Starleng1 · May 2011

I second everyone's opinion here. Brag away to us and just be encouraging to the others..

aflane · May 2011

I'd say brag! You've earned it!! But then again, I'm kind of obnoxious.

superhippiechik · May 2011

Let me tell you from experience - Not everyone he will want to hear how well you are doing. I made huge lifestyle changes and my best friend of 21 years said I thought I was better than her and cut me off cold. Like out of my life,no more Aunt Kiki kids. Horrible! I did not mean to. We live far away from one another and I thought I could tell her anything. I would save the bragging for MFP and brag a lot here! I want to hear you kick butt and get healthy! It helps keep me motivated! lol

alfdallas21 · May 2011

I agree with the others - BRAG HERE WITH US because WE totally understand and ENCOURAGE SUCCESS!!!! Alot of people truly want to do better but for whatever reason they cannot get over that hurdle and then when someone else accomplish their goals, well it just makes them feel as though they are failures when it's not like that at all. Someone mentioned above to keep it to yourself unless otherwise asked directly and I agree. Whenever your friends see you, they WILL notice your accomplishment. GREAT JOB BTW!!!

blueillusion3 · May 2011

congrats on your weight loss!!! and i agree with one of the above posts, don't tell them about your exact weight loss unless they ask. it all falls on back on the person's personality. two of my friends and i started on our weight loss journey at the same time and one of them is doing a great job and losing much more rapidly than us but instead of being mad or jealous we keep her motivated and text her to keep up the good work. we're happy for her (although a bit jealous nonetheless happy). each person reacts differently when things don't go their way.

just stay on MFP and everyone on here will motivate you and be happy for you. CONGRATS!! be happy about your weight loss

and yes, brag on here, you deserve it!

lovelylawrenn · May 2011

I'm sorry they're being difficult, but I'm sure you can imagine how frustrating it is to be working hard to lose weight and having almost nothing happening. I'm in that position myself, and honestly, it sucks. It's really great for you that it worked, that having that competition and drive helped you to be so successful. Maybe if you don't let them know that you've won, which would technically be calling the competition to an end, then they'll keep trying and see success themselves.

I just say, if they ask, be honest, but be humble about it, and if you're continuing your efforts to lose more weight, put the focus on that and what you're doing to keep losing. Hopefully soon they'll get past their frustration and look to you as an example and ask for help with what they can do. And then you'll be able to help them get on the road to success. Right now, they're probably so focused on themselves and the struggle they're in, they're not realizing that you can help, they only see that they're not having success.

real_eyes · May 2011

Hahah, wow! First of all, thank you guys for all of the encouragement and support! I knew there was a reason I joined this site... this just made me feel 100% better about things. Smart group of people we've got here.

So yes, I think the right thing to do would be to keep it to myself unless I'm asked, but let them know I'm there for support if they need it. I love my friends, so I'd never risk losing a friendship over this. They're not trying to be destructive to my success, only to themselves... which is unfortunate, but not worth losing a friend over.

Jizes318 · May 2011

I have learned through my journey so far that most people you encounter in real life will wish they were you and able to drop the weight. I have a few girls (including) family who pretty much don't want to hear about my loss because they have been battling with diets for years! Soooo I will not say a word unless I am asked. But here is a great way to feel better on your work!!! Congrats!

Thorneapple · May 2011

Unfortunately, this is one of the drawbacks of entering into competitions with friends. Feel proud of yourself for getting to the goal. That takes a lot of hard work. Try to encourage your friends without mentioning your success as that seems to be a bit of a sore spot.

TourThePast · May 2011

So my question is this... how do you deal with friends who are so down on themselves because of difficulty with weight loss success? Do I mention I'm even down as much as I am? It WAS a challenge, but I'd just rather encourage somehow than "brag".

If they're only acquaintances, I'd tell them you reached your goal, you've won, and ask what the prize is!

If they're good friends who you're going to be seeing long term, I'd smile to myself and quietly forget about the whole thing. As you lose even more and more weight, It is only going to become more and more apparent to them that you've lost that 20lb and loads more.

Oh, and when you reach your goal, dress in something fabulous and have a get together and thank them sincerely for getting you started. There's NOTHING crueller than being nice to someone who doesn't deserve it. :bigsmile:

rocklion · May 2011

Everyone has pretty much said what I'd have to say. The fact is, by this point, ditch the challenge and concentrate on you. That's all you can do.

I kind of see the same thing going on here at work. There for awhile I was getting a lot of "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" I guess it was fine at first when I'd lost 10 pounds and was like everyone else who lost a few pounds and then gained it back. I'm just one of the crowd if I do that. Now that I've lost 25 pounds and am doing a lot more outdoor activities, I haven't heard a thing. Not that I'm looking for it.

annacataldo · May 2011

Heres what I do.... I keep going, doing what Im doing... I keep losing weight.. I have a friend that desperatly wants to loose weight but never can and cant figure it out. I dont brag to her, and it drives me crazy to see her eat cuz i can see exactly what she is doing wrong--but i dont want to upset her by saying "r u sure u should be eating that" or "I know why you arent loosing", etc... I hadnt seen her in a couple months, and this weekend i saw her and she couldnt get over how thin I was... she wanted to know what i was doing, and now she plans to join MFP. I let her ask me how much ive lost, i didnt brag.. I didnt talk about weight loss or dieting, i let her bring it up... The only thing i can think to suggest is invite them to lunch or coffee, or movies or whatever ud normally do, or something that u can do together as friends, and if the conversation comes up then great, but otherwise, dont mention that youve lost weight, dont mention anything to do with it... Or you could try asking one of em if they want to go on a walk with you, but even that can be touchy and can be taken wrong.

olyrose · May 2011

You have been doing great, and you deserve to be praised for it!

I have a good friend who has a similar attitude. It seems hard for her to acknowledge good things that happen to me, because I think it makes her reflect on the things she isn't happy with. And I admit sometimes I have those envious feelings when others are doing better than me (but I don't let that get in the way of recognizing and praising what they have accomplished).

With my friend, I've had to just approach it like it's still a challenge for me, and that I struggle with it, and do my best not to seem like I'm bragging. I say things like, 'without this site (MFP) I don't think I would have been able to get even this far,' and when I turn down food choices, I don't say it's because I'm trying to lose weight, i just say that it looks really good but I think i'm going to get something else. Just whatever I can do to not seem like I'm rubbing anything in her face.

Though I will say, sometimes you just want your friends to tell you good job and be happy for you (not just with weight loss, but with any accomplishment).

And I echo other people - here, you get to brag all you want, and you deserve to be recognized for all the hard work you've put in - it's not your fault that they weren't able to make as much progress as you yet.

real_eyes · May 2011

If they're good friends who you're going to be seeing long term, I'd smile to myself and quietly forget about the whole thing. As you lose even more and more weight, It is only going to become more and more apparent to them that you've lost that 20lb and loads more.

Oh, and when you reach your goal, dress in something fabulous and have a get together and thank them sincerely for getting you started. There's NOTHING crueller than being nice to someone who doesn't deserve it. :bigsmile:

Oh, you are devious. hahah.

For those curious, the prize was this:
The first person to reach the 20lb goal receives a dollar for every pound NOT lost by the other competitors. I could stand to make about $100 by telling people I've completed the challenge, but money isn't worth the grief!

My success is for me, not for anyone else... so you guys are right, I'll just brag here and feel good about my accomplishments instead of trying to give a hand when it's not wanted!

whitpsyd · May 2011

I totally understand! It's so frustrating to be on the other side when you've been trying to loose the weight and haven't been able to. Just keep being supportive and offering to help get together for a walk or what ever they may have time to help with. And... I agree... brag on here!

margie_77 · May 2011

I know what you mean. I have a group of friends here in the 'real' world that seem to have problems being happy for each other.

christine24t · May 2011

People get jealous honestly! Something like this happened to me, and I just decided their anger wasn't worth it and I kept working out for myself

Question about dealing with friends and challenges...

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