New & Desperate to lose weight

Hi Everyone! I'm a 20 year old university student majoring in biochemistry and I'm super excited to join this community. I have struggled with disordered eating for 2 years now and I am ever so tired of the restrict, binge and repeat cycle that I can't seem to get off of. This time last year, I reached my lowest weight: 110 lbs at 5'6. Despite reaching this weight, I began struggling with depression (arisen from school stress, lack of nutrition and the 24/7 thoughts of all things food-related). One day, I snapped and started to binge eat. This has continued almost daily to present day. I told myself I didn't care about being thin anymore but everyday I looked in the mirror and hated myself more just a little bit more. It has reached a point where I refuse to go out for reasons beyond school and work. I have lost many friends along this roller coaster of a ride and really don't want to lose the few that I have left. I am 140 lbs and desperate to lose ~20 lbs so that I can once again be at the weight that I was before all of this began. I want to put this behind me so that I can start living my life again.

My disordered eating stemmed from my mother's disapproval of my weight even at 125 lbs. She constantly compared me to my fraternal twin sister's size. I had never been envious of her 5'2 108 lb frame until my mom started pointing it out. I used to have a very close relationship with my sister but now I can barely stand to look at her. Seeing her perfect, petite and lean body make me feel so inadequate and ugly. My jealousy has gotten the best of me and I am desperate to lose this weight so I can once again look her in the eye.

I would never confront my mother of her role in this struggle however. I know that she would deny having ever made the hurtful fat remarks when I was at a healthy weight. Moreover, I was happy then. Yes, I had gained some weight returning from my first year of uni but I thought nothing of it. I did not hate my body and I certainly did not think I was fat. If she had been supportive of the things I did and considered my mental well being she would have strayed away from those comments. I believe that if I had not taken those first steps of restriction to lose weight quickly in order to satisfy her distorted idea of beauty, I would have lost that weight healthily upon returning to uni where I regularly attended the gym. And even if I hadn't lost that weight at least I would not have the love-hate relationship with food that I cannot mend to this day.

All in all, I want to lose this weight so that I can be happy again.