Getting motivated after losing and gaining 40lbs

I don't know much in the way of help, but I can totally relate to your situation.

I started in Jan 2013 at 240, and got down to 202. I was exercising, even jogging, and really watching the food as best I can (I have BED).

I think bc I never got below 200, and size 16, I just thought, F it, why am I bothering? I've gained about 15 lbs back and pretty much stopped exercising - which I never really liked to do.

I still log most food every day, and try to get in a walk or something, but honestly it's a chore

Me too! I was at 201 after my son (5 years ago - it's not baby weight anymore).
i got down to 183 then plateaued - tried a diet plan

Got down to 150something (i cant bear to look) and then back up to 179

I remember a new years eve party, where i was in the 160's and i finally felt good enough to buy a dress (that was my pre-prego weight) and do my hair - but my husband decided he was overweight, got on a diet and exercise kick (insane workouts) and he promptly dropped 10-15% of his body weight. We went to the party, and everyone raved about how awesome my husband looked. We even had a theatre producer gay friend demand to know what he was doing. I felt like a couch. I remember glaring at him on the way home and saying...."wow - you look great! I can't believe you had a baby!" and then i said F--- it.

Anyway, yo yo weight and i started when i was back to 203. I was so depressed i could barely get out of bed.

I have knee and foot problems, so working out is sometimes painful for me and i don't want to injure myself further so i have to be really careful. It's so frustrating to see my husband dead lifting hundreds of pounds just because he can, getting ripped, while I slowly melt into a marshmellow and can make a puppet out of my stomach.

Anyway, it started to get really hard for me to walk up the stairs and i was really out of breath all of the time. I felt like i couldn't do things with my son. I also started to get really insecure when my husband went out and did things without me - i'm pretty sure he was ashamed of me.

So, I've decided that if it's the insecurity because of the weight, then i need to take another stab at trying to lose it. Then, i won't feel like i'm not attractive enough anymore. I am trying to put my husbands obsessive behavior (the man has an entire cabinet of powders and proteins that all look very manly and seem to all have silver labeling and say things like POWER SURGE MUSCLE RIPPED etc on them) aside, and just focus on what i can do.

So...i bought yet another fitbit. Love this freaking thing. it not only tells me the steps on the watch, but also the steps, flights, calories burned. and if i exercise, it tells me how much more i can eat that day and still lose. and it monitors my heart rate and my sleep. (it automatically turns on based on the heart rate). So over the past month, i have slowly started walking more. if i don't hit my 10K steps, i try to take the dogs for a walk. I walk more at work.
Also, it looks like Cortybort, above, just had a baby. It's awesome when the baby wakes you up at night and hubby tries to say he was up last time, and you can prove with data, that you were the last one to get the baby and it's his turn.

Despite all of this didn't feel like it was really doing anything, and i AM TERRIFIED THAT IT WILL FAIL.

So i added a diet back into the plan - makes it easier for me to log, and less time prepping food, and i started spinning. I actually like spinning, i just have to get to 20 min, and then the endorphins kick in. getting onto the bike is the struggle. i stared at it for 5 hours on Sunday. I bought it on craigs list and it's been a clothes rack for most of the year, (holding only the clothes that fit me) - the rest of my closet is too tight. But then i realized that the gym at work has a spin bike, and i dont have to take a class, so instead of eating lunch (which is a protein bar) i go down and try to do 30-40 min on the bike.

I ice my knee and foot every night. I take advil. I don't do anything if it's sore besides this one pilates disc that i've had for 10 years. I feel like a beached whale when i do it. or a turtle that is turned on its back. but i DO feel better after, and stretched out, and its the only thing i can do that does not require standing at all. No strain on knees or foot.

Maybe this time i'll get down to a reasonable weight and do the transition plan like you're supposed to do instead of just going on vacation, eating most of the state's food supply and then avoiding the scale for a year.

You know what? I just hit the double digits - 10 lbs lost. Whenever i get mad at myself and say that's nothing, i go pick up a 10 lb weight. It's not nothing.

And then i go do something nice for myself. Every 10 lbs. Buy a new shirt. Get nails done. (not if i gain back 10 lbs and lose them, only once every 10 lbs). Go to a movie.

I'M TERRIFIED THAT I WILL FAIL TOO. Let's try to support each other.

Good luck and best wishes. Feel free to friend if you want to connect.