The closer my goals get, the further away they seem

hmck123 · June 2015

I'm having a bad day. A bad couple of weeks, really. I just really want to rant to complete strangers, because the moment I mention diet/weight loss/fitness to family or friends, they start to worry (which is lovely of them to be so caring, but not always constructive).

I've been on a health kick/weight loss journey for two months now. At my last weigh in - 2 weeks ago - I'd lost 11lbs, (out of my target 24lbs) which I was really happy about. My other - equally important - goals are improved fitness (I've got my running distance up to 12km in 1hr 7 mins), and improved physical and mental health. I'm meeting all of these goals, except the last one.

Because despite my weight going down and my fitness getting better, I feel worse about myself than ever. Whenever I look in the mirror I want to cry, and normally I do. I spend what feels like hours staring at my reflection and pinching the parts of myself I wish would disappear. I feel sick. Whenever I go to buy clothes or food I normally end up leaving the shop in tears. I feel disgusting and repulsive. When I started this I was looking forward to all the new clothes I could wear, and now I dress in baggier clothes than ever so people can't see me. I can't eat anything without reading the packaging and stressing out for ages about whether the calories are worth it. I'm becoming that person who everyone hates - who goes out for lunch and orders water and won't eat anything because the calories are too high. I don't just think I look terrible, I feel terrible. I'm have no energy - I'm so lethargic and exhausted even when I wake up in the morning. I exercise quite a lot but at the weekend I went on a 20 mile walk and just haven't been able to bounce back and just want to lie around because my muscles doesn't have the energy to recover. Why am I so horrible. Why is every single person in the street more beautiful and happier than I am. Why do I care so much, I never used to care and I hate that I do - there are more important things than how I look and feel, but I can't stop obsessing.

Sorry for my rant, just had to write it down somewhere and will probably delete it in embarrassment. Am sure I'll feel better in a few days

SueInAz · June 2015

First of all, a giant hug for you. I don't know that I can offer much beyond that but I did have a couple of thoughts.

Are you eating enough? The lethargy you're describing could very well be that you aren't getting enough calories to sustain your activity level. Try to net at least 1200 calories, even 1300 or 1400, and see if you don't feel better. It's better to lose weight a little more slowly than to feel terrible all of the time.

The mental aspect of your self-loathing I don't think I can help you with. You might consider talking to a professional if you have access to a counselor. I do empathize, though. I've been there myself. It's funny but I look back and remember how I looked at your age and how much I didn't like what I was seeing then. My thighs were too big, I had extra jiggly bits. Or so I thought. Today, I'd probably kill to have that body back. Age changes our bodies so much.

I'm a lot more comfortable with the way I look now even though it's not nearly as good as it was then. Hopefully, you can get to that mental space yourself. You only get one body. Where your body stores fat isn't going to change. The sooner you can accept that, the happier you're going to be. The one consolation is that other people don't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself.

Oh, and those other people you think are more beautiful and happier? You don't know them or their lives; you're just transferring. That person could be twice as miserable as you, could hate herself and her body at least as much as you hate yours right now.

I hope you can get past these feelings. 11 pounds is a big deal when you only had 17 to lose.

hmck123 · June 2015

Thank you so much for your message, it was really kind and a lovely and supportive thing to read

I think I definitely do eat enough - normally too much! I do have a stupid mindset where I see my target (1200 cal/day to lose approx. 0.75lbs a week) as a challenge, and I should try to get as far below it as I can. I did this more when I started dieting - which was why I got pretty good results to start with - but recently I can barely even get a ~400cal deficit because I'm so hungry and can't summon the energy to exercise. I just think about food all the time - I'm completely obsessed. I'm starving all the time. I try so hard to convince myself it's in my head, and I only want more food and don't need it. But it feels so much like I need it. I think a few days off calorie counting but still eating the same food might help me to stop obsessing a bit.

Thank you for your advice about seeing a professional

It's something I really want to do and I'm really motivated to change this. I think part of the problem is I don't really have anyone to talk to. My family either worry because I want to lose weight, or adopt the "we weigh more than you and we don't care, so you shouldn't either" approach. My best friend gets angry at me for wanting to lose weight - she's had an eating disorder in the past and doesn't tolerate anyone trying to lose weight, particularly using the calorie counting method as she thinks it leads to obsession (in my case - she has a point!). My other friends either have the 'there are more important things in life than this' mindset, or just aren't really nurturing enough to care. My boyfriend's a rock but he just doesn't understand why I would ever want to lose weight or change myself, which I love him for, but sometimes I just wish he'd acknowledge the problem. He thinks that strangers stare at me on the street (which a lot of people have noticed) because I look good. I don't look good. People stare at me because my face is disgusting, I have horrible ginger hair and my body is repulsive. Strangers shout insults at me on the street because of it. Because I'm ginger when I was at school I was told I should kill myself, and that people who look like me should be put in a concentration camp. The only thing I can change about the way I look is my weight.

And writing that all down made me feel so much better... thank you

When I started all of this I didn't even care about losing weight, I just wanted to bring my blood pressure down a bit and be able to run a bit further. Sucks.

jessiruthica · June 2015

If you've got MFP set to 1200 calories a day and you're trying for 400 calories less than that, you are DEFINITELY not eating enough. No wonder you can't exercise! When MFP sets your calorie "limit", the deficit is already built in. So you should be eating 1200 calories and still losing that .75 lbs per week. If you're exercising, you should be eating back at least some of those calories to fuel your body.

On the mental side, it really is difficult and the BEST thing will be to talk to someone before you go further down that rabbit hole. There's a reality about your body and other people that does not match your perceptions. Having someone tell you that and give you mechanisms to realize that when you're on your own is super important.

hmck123 · June 2015

No sorry I worded that wrong - I meant I do try to eat 1200 calories - so I eat 400 calories under maintenance, not 900 calories under maintenance!

I definitely want to talk to someone, but I just have no idea how to go about it! I live in the UK and getting a doctors appointment is impossible - I tried to get one a few months ago for intense chest pains and was told I couldn't have an appointment because I'm (to quote) "young and with no other health problems." But I am actively trying to find some sort of support group I can go to to help with this. I just find it so much easier to believe the opinions of strangers and people I don't know very well, because unlike the people who know me they don't have the motive of trying to make me feel better. I feel like such a dick for caring so much about how I look. I normally don't mind how attractive I am, but since I've been trying to lose weight I've found myself focusing more and more on it, and I suppose the more that my body changes the sadder I get about the things I can't change.

SueInAz · June 2015

hmck123 wrote: »

No sorry I worded that wrong - I meant I do try to eat 1200 calories - so I eat 400 calories under maintenance, not 900 calories under maintenance!

I definitely want to talk to someone, but I just have no idea how to go about it! I live in the UK and getting a doctors appointment is impossible - I tried to get one a few months ago for intense chest pains and was told I couldn't have an appointment because I'm (to quote) "young and with no other health problems." But I am actively trying to find some sort of support group I can go to to help with this. I just find it so much easier to believe the opinions of strangers and people I don't know very well, because unlike the people who know me they don't have the motive of trying to make me feel better. I feel like such a dick for caring so much about how I look. I normally don't mind how attractive I am, but since I've been trying to lose weight I've found myself focusing more and more on it, and I suppose the more that my body changes the sadder I get about the things I can't change.

You apparently have a boyfriend who loves you just the way you are. You realize how lucky you are, right? (I'm lucky in this, too, but I still am trying to make changes for me.) Try to see yourself through his eyes rather than your own. Maybe it would help for you to have a serious talk with him about the things he loves about your physical appearance.

There are always going to be things about ourselves that we can't change. Genetics are a *kitten*. All we can do is try to work toward acceptance of those things. I've gotten there with some of mine but not with others. I'm always going to have big thighs, for example. I hated them in my teens and twenties, now it really doesn't bother me as much; they are just a part of the way I look.

Have you considered strength training to reshape your body rather than merely losing pounds? I started doing that about a year ago and I'm very happy with the changes I'm seeing. It's also been very uplifting to see myself getting stronger. Running is like that for me, too. Being able to run farther and faster, challenging myself to push just a little harder, has been empowering.

hmck123 · June 2015

I do

After past boyfriends making me feel lucky they ever even looked at me, I couldn't appreciate this one more.

Yep genetics are a pain! It's annoying because I feel like I finally got to a stage in my life where I'd realised it doesn't matter, and then I started down the weight loss trail and so many of the websites/social media/blogs I look at have such a rhetoric of weight loss and fitness being related to beauty and confidence... I suppose it made me think that no matter how thin or fit I am, I'll never feel beautiful or confident. The more I think about it, and the more I write it down and talk to all of you (who are all helping so much by the way - thank you!), the more I'm starting to wind myself back to how I used to think about it pre-weight loss. I'll always be sad that I'm not pretty, and not thin/confident enough to wear shorts or tight fitting clothes, or anything remotely girly. I just have to try to find traits in myself that I do like, and be happy with those. And because of that I need to start taking as much care of my mental health as I do ostensibly of my physical health (although I think I need to tone down my deficit on some days) and listen to my brain and my body when I want an evening on the sofa with some pasta - it's not going to ruin my weight loss, and it'll do wonders for my exhausted brain and knackered body. Thank you all so much for talking to me and helping me stop being a knob!

Also I LOVE strength training! I had to quit my gym a couple of months ago because it was so expensive and rubbish, but I'm shopping around for some decent dumbells so I can train at home and annoy my housemates with my squat noises! My grunts literally sound like I'm giving birth to an elephant. So weird.

SueInAz · June 2015

Some days we all need some help stepping back from the ledge. I'm glad I was able to help a bit.

I work out at the gym on my company campus. I am sure I look and sound a fright when I'm cranking out the last rep on the last set.

To be honest, one of the things that has made me feel a bit more confident in myself is the muscle I'm putting on. I'm happier being buff than I would be looking dainty.

The closer my goals get, the further away they seem

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