Why is it okay to say "dude, you're huge!"... but you'd never dare say it to a female.

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LyndaLee68
LyndaLee68 Posts: 16 Member
in Motivation and Support
I can't tell you how many times friends have walked up to my husband and said something like "John! You've gotten huge!", or "Dude, you are out of shape", or similar comments. Yes, my husband is much bigger than he was 15 years ago, and so was I until this year. But no one ever ever ever greeted me with a "Lynda, you've gained a lot of weight", or "wow, you need to loose a few".
Now, my husband is known for having a great sense of humor, but so am I. When did it become okay to assume that a guy is okay with being called out, or his weight joked about? The struggle is real for both males and females, and yes, females are approached at times with insensitive comments about their weight as well. But the assumption that a man isn't frustrated, hurt, or tired of being told that he used to be healthier or thinner is very interesting to me.
Has anyone else noticed this as well? And why do you think there is a double standard.. or is there?

Replies

  • fostersu
    fostersu Posts: 327 Member
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    My best guess is that I'm the larger culture how a woman looks is tied to her identity and for men it is not. To call a woman fat is to insult her personhood and value but for a man it's just how he looks - not who he is or what makes him valuable.
    Now of course this is just a cultural narrative and has nothing to do with the actual impact of these kind of statements on a given individual of either gender. I'm sorry if you or your husband have been put off these kinds of comments
  • LyndaLee68
    LyndaLee68 Posts: 16 Member
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    fostersu wrote: »
    My best guess is that I'm the larger culture how a woman looks is tied to her identity and for men it is not. To call a woman fat is to insult her personhood and value but for a man it's just how he looks - not who he is or what makes him valuable.
    Now of course this is just a cultural narrative and has nothing to do with the actual impact of these kind of statements on a given individual of either gender. I'm sorry if you or your husband have been put off these kinds of comments

    I think you've really nailed it... well said.
    It doesn't usually bother him, but now that I've lost my weight people are bringing up his more often.
    Thanks so much for your comment.
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
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    I agree with you. I think there probably is a double standard. Of course it's wrong for one man to make light of a another man's weight or size. Some men may joke about this, but it's not right to do so. Best not to body shame anyone at anytime.
  • sperkins68
    sperkins68 Posts: 31 Member
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    I know what you mean when my husband and i first started dateing we were in our teens and both of us were fit now 14 yrs later and 4 kids later i have put on over 100lbs and my husband has only put on 32lbs. Now my husband has the bear belly that started just over the last year the rest of his body is toned ive heard his friends joke to him about his belly and he laughs it off with them and It actually staryed bothering me because I think like if they are syaing this to him over an extra 32lbs i wonder what thwy think of me..... I actually never thought it really bothered my husband until i started opening up to him how i feel about my body and he told me he feels similiar and is now to embaresed to take his shirt off. So this has made me think that guys arent all that different then us ingrads to how they feel about there weight, there just not as sensitive to others feelings is what I think.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    Men will often say things to other men that seem mean or insulting to me but they feel are acceptable & friendly. It is a different type of interaction. Men might not share that something hurts their feelings or bothers them because they've been taught to bottle emotions.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
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    I think yeah, men are just different in that they are able to insult one another and it's no big deal (or at least, they will not admit it), but dang, I can't imagine saying that to one of my friends - male or female. How incredibly rude.
  • MikeLeTwigg
    MikeLeTwigg Posts: 162 Member
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    I wouldn't say it and I don't appreciate when people comment me being 'out of shape'. There really is no difference.
  • arnoldmq
    arnoldmq Posts: 5 Member
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    As I guy I can tell you that that is how we usually talk to each other, we make fun of each other and yeah sometimes we do get our feelings hurt but for most of the time we are used to insulting each other, and its funny that the best of friends seem to make fun of each other the most, we (men) dont have such interaction with most women.
  • errollmaclean
    errollmaclean Posts: 562 Member
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    arnoldmq wrote: »
    As I guy I can tell you that that is how we usually talk to each other, we make fun of each other and yeah sometimes we do get our feelings hurt but for most of the time we are used to insulting each other, and its funny that the best of friends seem to make fun of each other the most, we (men) dont have such interaction with most women.

    Agreed. I've read that it's how men build comradery and establish group importance over self or individual importance.

    Personally I've always seen it as just good fun, or almost a game to see who can make the funniest comments.

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