It's time for me to get off the couch.

Hi - I'm certain I am not unique in saying - "Here I go again". This time however, I'm finding it harder to get started.

5 years ago my husband, Eric, and I decided we needed to get healthy and promised each other we would stick with it. Me at almost 300lbs and him at 250lbs we needed a change, So we joined the gym. My husband and I would go to the gym 5 days a week. I used a trainer 3 times a week. I lost 86 lbs. in the 1st year. I was feeling great and proud of myself. Eric came and supported me everyday but did his own thing and lost 50 lbs. We were looking good. We had promised each other that we would get healthy so we would live longer together and be able to do more activities and we were doing it. We began hiking and swimming and planning exciting vacations. My doctor took me of all diabetic meds except 2. He was floored by my success. We were living the dream.

But then, at 43 years old, Eric suddenly without warning or illness, passed away. I stopped going to the gym. I couldn't bear to walk in there. I lost all motivation. Basically I just gave up. He was gone and I wondered what was the point? What happened? I lost my husband, my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. My life stopped. I was alone, angry, sad, and frustrated. I felt cheated, hopeless and lost all at the same time. With no one encouraging me and no one to be accountable to I put 65 lbs. back on in 4 years. I now take 6 different diabetic meds and a shot of insulin every day, My doctor is worried. My 30 yr. old daughter is worried.

I feel sluggish, my knees hurt and I hate my life like this. I've finally realized that in stopping my healthy eating that my body is breaking down. More importantly I realize that in giving up that I've broken my promised to Eric. Something I'd never done before in our 12 year marriage.

The 28th of June will be the 4th year anniversary of his passing, as well as my birthday. I finally decided - it's time to fulfill my promise to Eric.

So now I'm doing it alone. I don't know about going back to the gym - I miss him being there supporting and encouraging me. I thought something different would be a good place to start. I'm going to try kick boxing. My trainer, who has since become a very good friend, thinks it's a good place to start. I've heard some really good things about it. Would be nice if I had someone to go with me but this is my journey and my promise to fulfill. So here I go again.