Just venting.. (Pictures)

JillUrbina
JillUrbina Posts: 32 Member
edited November 20 in Motivation and Support
I don't really know where to begin other than I am currently at a weight lower than when I graduated high school, but I'm possibly the most insecure I've ever been. I've lost nearly 40 pounds from my highest known weight. It's strange because when I look in the mirror I still see 220 pounds of Jill. I know I'm smaller because of the way my clothes fit and I have to double take myself in pictures but I still feel so big. I've almost always been the big girl but that never stopped me from being homecoming and prom queen and the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad in high school. I had this insane amount of confidence back then. I knew I stood out because I was bigger than all the other girls so I decided to make it work for me. My personality and performances were larger that life. I loved the attention and I loved myself regardless of my size. When I decided to begin this journey something changed in me. I don't know how to be anything other than the fat friend. It feels almost like once I lost so much weight I lost my Armor. I used to take comfort in the fact the men probably weren't looking at me lustfully and other women weren't threatened by me. I'm so used to guys flirting with my friends that when guy was clearly hitting on me at work today I didn't know what to do, and I felt as though I had no where to hide. I got so shy and didn't know what to say (which is so not me). I wish my mind could adjust to my new life the way my body had but I have a feeling I will feel this way for awhile considering I have 34 more pounds to lose before my goal weight.

Anyway thanks for sticking with me while I blab, but Im not sure what to do with these feelings and I figure there may be someone out there going through what I am. But Anyone Feel free to add me, I'm very active and supportive on MFP.

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Replies

  • Lizrobin3108
    Lizrobin3108 Posts: 102 Member
    It takes a while to get used to the idea of being smaller. Lots of people on here are still trying to get their minds to catch up to a new body. I just smile and say thank you when I'm complimented.
  • tennileb
    tennileb Posts: 265 Member
    I think my brain takes a lot longer to process weight loss, I think it was about a year after I lost weight before I actually felt like I looked ok.

    When we change our physical image its a slower process to also adjust our perception of ourself. You are beautiful, you were beautiful in the before pics and you are beautiful in the after. You look healthy and fit in the after pics and happy, and your confidence wil grow and people will be drawn to that , you are going to define a new role for your self, not as "the fat friend" but as a strong healthy woman.
  • jlross1972
    jlross1972 Posts: 16 Member
    Congratulations on the weight loss. I just started losing the weight.
    In your all pictures I see a strong, confident, happy young lady. It takes time to get use to another way of looking at ourselves. Up until March of this year I saw myself as a wife and mother. I had a "lump that wasn't a lump" scare. When my lab work came back, my doctor said my bad cholesterol was high. My hubby said I needed to take care of me too. I still get some small feelings of guilt when I think of myself before my kids. But I need/want to be healthy for me and my family.
    Once again congratulations.
  • jnv7594
    jnv7594 Posts: 983 Member
    edited June 2015
    I sympathize. I've lost just over 90 pounds, and sometimes I still don't recognize myself. It seems strange. I'll walk by a mirror in the department store or see my reflection in a window and think it's someone else. When I realize it's me, it's a bit shocking, lol. And I still don't know how to dress myself. :expressionless: Like someone said above, it takes our brains a while to catch up I think.
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
    First of all, congratulations on your progress so far. It sounds like you're doing really well!

    I think yours is a common issue. We are usually our own worst critic, so it may be difficult for some of us to see positive changes. Outside, I still see work that needs to be done, but everyone else is telling me how great I look. Inside, I still feel shy and awkward, but my sister and some other people have said they see a confidence that they've never seen in me before. So, I suppose our minds just need to catch up with our bodies.

    Good luck to you in your fitness goals!
  • meatisadelicacy
    meatisadelicacy Posts: 12 Member
    I lost a lot of weight once (gained it all back and then some, but that's another story), but it was hard for me to see my new skinny body the way others did. I also think it's a lot easier to be hard on ourselves than to be positive. If you've been bigger all your life, and I know a lot of us are lifers, it makes sense that you'd struggle to adjust. Hang in there. Hopefully it will come with time.
  • janiceclark08
    janiceclark08 Posts: 1,341 Member
    Did you keep your armor so you didnt have to deal with guys, with or without realising it? I think I have done that after my second marriage, without meaning to, I have had unwanted attention, due to where I worked, and maybe I didnt, worry about losing the weight I had gained.
  • JillUrbina
    JillUrbina Posts: 32 Member
    janiceclark08 wrote: »
    Did you keep your armor so you didnt have to deal with guys, with or without realising it? I think I have done that after my second marriage, without meaning to, I have had unwanted attention, due to where I worked, and maybe I didnt, worry about losing the weight I had gained.

    I don't think that's quite it, I've had a long term boyfriend. We've been together 7 years now, but there was a time that he wasn't the best guy and I think maybe I let my weight be an excuse for me of why he wasn't treating me the way I deserved.
  • olycar89
    olycar89 Posts: 5 Member
    It definitely takes time to realize the drastic change you've made to your body. It took me a long time to realize the change when I lost the first 30 pounds. I've lost 70 pounds so far and I still don't recognize myself and sometimes reach for the XL when I'm shopping for clothes! It does take time for your mind to catch up and realize that you don't look the same!!
  • JillUrbina
    JillUrbina Posts: 32 Member
    olycar89 wrote: »
    It definitely takes time to realize the drastic change you've made to your body. It took me a long time to realize the change when I lost the first 30 pounds. I've lost 70 pounds so far and I still don't recognize myself and sometimes reach for the XL when I'm shopping for clothes! It does take time for your mind to catch up and realize that you don't look the same!!


    Yes! Shopping is so hard, because I still feel like an XL when I'm not and trying things on 2 and 3 times until I get the Right size is frustrating. Congrats on your loss that's awesome! 70 is what I want to lose also. I can't wait to be where you are
  • lynseys1990
    lynseys1990 Posts: 7 Member
    You look amazing jill! Keep on going no matter how frustrated you are, comparing before and after photos is a good idea!
  • Cortneyrenee04
    Cortneyrenee04 Posts: 1,117 Member
    I know exactly how you feel :( I feel so naked now. I think we'll get used to it over time. You're doing great!!
  • alexislucas84
    alexislucas84 Posts: 10 Member
    You look healthy and that's the most important thing. Sometimes I get down and out when I compare myself to others around my same size but I have to keep reminding myself that I feel good overall and look healthy now whereas there was a time I didn't.
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