How to help so

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discretekim
discretekim Posts: 314 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
my fiancé seems to have some issues with food. I had an ed before so I do understand this and am working very hard to find balance and lose weight without going overboard. The thing is my fiancé really needs to lose weight. He is obese and has several health issues he needs to work on. Sometimes I get really frustrated when he doesn't seem to be working on this. Like I can't get him to go to the gym with me. Anyway. The scale at my gym has been broken so I caved this weekend and got a scale for home. Trust me seeing my weight can be hard because i weighed 60 pounds less than my starting weight about four years ago. But it is an important tool and I need to know it to see my progress and ensure I stay on track. I'm doing this very slowly I'm down about 5 pounds in 6 weeks. Anyway my so won't weigh himself. Now maybe he isn't ready emotionally but how can he track his success without knowing his starting point? I just don't know how else to help him. Any tips? He isn't derailing me too much. I'm really just concerned about his health.

Replies

  • Angierae75
    Angierae75 Posts: 417 Member
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    He's not going to want to lose weight until he's ready. You can't force him to do it, even if you think it's for his own good.
  • Laurend224
    Laurend224 Posts: 1,748 Member
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    It won't happen until he is ready. Do what you are doing for you and be prepared that he may never be ready to make the change.
    Have a conversation and tell him you're concerned about his health, but leave it at that. Nagging (not saying you are) won't help.

  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,904 Member
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    You can only do so much. If you've communicated that you're concerned about his health, and that it's a serious issue, that's it. The best you can do is be supportive when he takes the steps necessary for him. It can suck, I know. Believe me, I know. But people have to make the decisions to make changes themselves. Encourage him when he does make those decisions, however they happen, but don't be pushy about it.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
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    you can't do this for him. he hast to want it.
    all you can do is take care of yourself. and hope it will influence him.

    he may not ever follow suit
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
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    I'm where you are but I've been doing this for over 4 years. I started walking, then I started watching what I was eating, then I started running and then last year I began lifting weights. All of this was done as a part of a natural progression of someone who is trying to be healthier. I made hints to my husband, tried to get him to join MFP, etc. but he wasn't interested.

    You can't nag or cajole people into losing weight, it's something they need to want to do for themselves. Think of how you would have felt a month or a year before you finally made that decision for yourself if someone was harping on your weight, even if it was "for your health" or "your own good". People get defensive and stubborn.

    All you can do is keep doing what you need to do for you and hopefully your SO will come around on his own. While my husband hasn't taken any really active steps I noticed that he has cut down on his nighttime snacking and he mentioned recently that he has lost about 20 pounds. He went out of town for work and while he was packing his suitcase I noticed he'd packed a set of resistance bands. So he's doing things... he may just not want me to see it. Hopefully, your SO will get to that place himself but he needs to do it in his own time and way.
  • ManiacalLaugh
    ManiacalLaugh Posts: 1,048 Member
    edited June 2015
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    I've been having a bit of a struggle with my SO on the topic of weight. Unfortunately, I'm on the opposite side of it. It's getting a little frustrating because A: he met me when I was actually 25 lbs heavier than I am now and B: I think this might actually be affecting his thoughts on potentially getting married.

    I can't help how he reacts or how he feels, but seeing as we love each other very much, I have asked him to keep the following list of my needs from him in mind. (I'm altering it a bit since we're talking about your SO and your perspective.) I don't know if this will help you since I don't know everything about your relationship, but it's given my SO a lot of context about myself and it's really helped us.
    • Be supportive (sounds like you have that down)
    • Be a motivation for him by being a positive, loving influence.
    • Know that it might take more to motivate him into starting (or continuing). Not looking at the scale is a form of denial. He might not be ready to face that number yet.
    • Know that when he does get started, he's going to move at his own pace.
    • Don't fault him or focus on the times when he stumbles a little. Just be there to help him back up, if needs it. (It sounds like this might be a bit of a learning process for him, so stumbles are likely going to happen.)
    • If his weight has any impact on your relationship, how attracted you are to him, or your decision to spend the rest of your life with him, be honest now. That doesn't mean you have to break up, but this is something he needs to know.
  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,485 Member
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    It took my SO about 3 years to finally ask- so what is it that you are doing?

    By that time I had lost all the weight through calorie counting, and got a lot healthier by doing a variety of cardio and resistance work at home and with an annual membership to the local rec centre.

    The jaw dropper for him was when he found out how many calories he was consuming when working away from home, lots of beer, wings, hamburgers & fries. 120 cal a wing! That was it.
    Now it is salad, salmon, wine and water most of the time.

    We have just has a long vacation and it was him that said he missed his aqua fit, swimming and running first.

    He reached his goal weight about 6 months ago and when he puts on old t-shirts for gardening he can't believe he let himself get to the weight he was.

    We put on 2 and 5 lb respectively on our 3 month vacation.

    This anecdote was told to let you know that some times it takes a while for your SO to realise that they too may need to lose a few pounds and get healthier.
    The best thing you can do is quietly lead by example.

    Cheers, h.
  • discretekim
    discretekim Posts: 314 Member
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    Very good points! I know I shouldn't nag him. I just worry and think I'm working hard to overcome my issues and seeing this is possible so I wish he would follow suit. But he will in his time. I will try to focus on the positives more. I do sometimes point out stumbles and can see how that is counterproductive.
  • Gska17
    Gska17 Posts: 752 Member
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    He might hop onto the band wagon after he sees your results. :)
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,988 Member
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    discretekim wrote: »
    my fiancé seems to have some issues with food. I had an ed before so I do understand this and am working very hard to find balance and lose weight without going overboard. The thing is my fiancé really needs to lose weight. He is obese and has several health issues he needs to work on. Sometimes I get really frustrated when he doesn't seem to be working on this. Like I can't get him to go to the gym with me. Anyway. The scale at my gym has been broken so I caved this weekend and got a scale for home. Trust me seeing my weight can be hard because i weighed 60 pounds less than my starting weight about four years ago. But it is an important tool and I need to know it to see my progress and ensure I stay on track. I'm doing this very slowly I'm down about 5 pounds in 6 weeks. Anyway my so won't weigh himself. Now maybe he isn't ready emotionally but how can he track his success without knowing his starting point? I just don't know how else to help him. Any tips? He isn't derailing me too much. I'm really just concerned about his health.

    What about non-gym activities like walking together?

    I'd like to hear fun suggestions from others - my fiance and I do not live together and get our exercise separately and currently only raise our heart rates together in bed.
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,150 Member
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    You do you, he does him, as one can only lead by example.
    Seriously, if you're having issues with this now, I would be taking a close look at where you are in your relationship. Ultimately, is this something you're able to live with? What if he chooses not to make this change?
  • discretekim
    discretekim Posts: 314 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    discretekim wrote: »
    my fiancé seems to have some issues with food. I had an ed before so I do understand this and am working very hard to find balance and lose weight without going overboard. The thing is my fiancé really needs to lose weight. He is obese and has several health issues he needs to work on. Sometimes I get really frustrated when he doesn't seem to be working on this. Like I can't get him to go to the gym with me. Anyway. The scale at my gym has been broken so I caved this weekend and got a scale for home. Trust me seeing my weight can be hard because i weighed 60 pounds less than my starting weight about four years ago. But it is an important tool and I need to know it to see my progress and ensure I stay on track. I'm doing this very slowly I'm down about 5 pounds in 6 weeks. Anyway my so won't weigh himself. Now maybe he isn't ready emotionally but how can he track his success without knowing his starting point? I just don't know how else to help him. Any tips? He isn't derailing me too much. I'm really just concerned about his health.

    What about non-gym activities like walking together?

    I'd like to hear fun suggestions from others - my fiance and I do not live together and get our exercise separately and currently only raise our heart rates together in bed.

    We sometimes walk. I'm a little limited on that front though. I have some serious foot issues.

    Sadly I don't think the bed activities really count. Not sure what else we could do because of my limitations but I'm open to ideas.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
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    Why would u need to track his progress at all ???
    If he wants to track progress , he will do it himself. You cant force him to do this. He'll do it when hes ready.
    Worry about your progress and let him worry about his own. There's no need for you to involve yourself in his weight loss goals, or lack thereof....
  • discretekim
    discretekim Posts: 314 Member
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    Liftng4Lis wrote: »
    You do you, he does him, as one can only lead by example.
    Seriously, if you're having issues with this now, I would be taking a close look at where you are in your relationship. Ultimately, is this something you're able to live with? What if he chooses not to make this change?

    Yeah well we are always talking and working on our relationship. In a lot of ways he's open to change but this is different obviously. It's a good point but it feels like a threat to let him know this will not be acceptable long term. Not that I'm opposed to honesty it just needs to be constructive. It really isn't how he looks although it's gotten a little worse lately it's nothing I even notice usually but my dad died due to how he took care of himself and I'm not willing to be with someone who doesn't tasks his health seriously.

  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,485 Member
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    Hee hee I had to have a giggle a the fun things to do together.
    These weren't fun, but they replaced strength training for a couple of summers, and we did it together.

    1. Take all the grass out if your back yard and lay it to gravel and beds ( flowers, fruit, and veg) hauling 2 dump trucks of gravel to the back yard by wheel barrow replaced dead lifts.
    2. Lay a brick patio, replaces squats.
    3. Build a shed, replaces overhead lifts.
    4. Lay a 24x24 paver path, lift something heavy, put it down, rinse, repeat (literally).

    It was hard, but we now enjoy the results from April until October.
    I still only hit the gym in the winter; the garden is my summer exercise.

    Same applies to in house renovations.

    Cheer, h.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,988 Member
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    Yup, early spring - late fall I do Back Yard Boot Camp every weekend at Mom's and lots of gardening at my house :)
  • NikiChicken
    NikiChicken Posts: 576 Member
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    Angierae75 wrote: »
    He's not going to want to lose weight until he's ready. You can't force him to do it, even if you think it's for his own good.

    This. It doesn't matter how much you care about his health and want to help, he won't lose weight until he is ready to make the changes and put in the effort.
  • discretekim
    discretekim Posts: 314 Member
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    Update. I'm very big on talking so we had a conversation about this last night. He apparently is weighing himself he just didn't want to tell me.I think he's moving in the right direction.
  • ManiacalLaugh
    ManiacalLaugh Posts: 1,048 Member
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    discretekim wrote: »
    Update. I'm very big on talking so we had a conversation about this last night. He apparently is weighing himself he just didn't want to tell me.I think he's moving in the right direction.

    That's great! That's a good first step. So many people have had their "aha" moments after seeing that number for the first time in a while. I would suggest now you just need to step back and support from the shadows - which seemed to be what you'd planned to do anyway.

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