partner shows no support for my fitness goals!

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Jeanette562
Jeanette562 Posts: 11 Member
edited July 2015 in Introduce Yourself
I started my weight loss journey in September of 2014 with a 6 week challenge since then I've been eating right for the most part and working out most days of the week. I've lost 30 lbs i don't plan on stopping now when I've come so far . I'm at my lowest weight ever in my adult life and feel amazing. My partner shows me zero support instead she criticizes my new bod and talks me down about how I've become selfish since I started taking care of myself. I don't know what to do any more. Is anyone on the same boat? I've tried on numerous occasions to get her to join me but this only adds to the drama.. ugh!

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  • Keiyig
    Keiyig Posts: 1 Member
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    What relation do you have to her? Or do you rather not say?
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Keiyig wrote: »
    What relation do you have to her? Or do you rather not say?

    ?? she's her partner..

    OP - it can be hard when one of a couple starts on a new way of eating and working out, the other person can feel pressured to join, or like you want them to change too. Especially when we get really enthused about it, it can unsettle them. Plus, without meaning to, we can often expect them to make changes which they haven't agreed to so. I know for me, wanting my other half to come on walks and the like was, for me, a way of wanting him to join in, but to him he started seeing it as a criticism, like I thought he needed to lose weight too (which he doesn't). Plus if you've always done things (like spend Saturdays on the couch eating chips and watching TV), and then you go and unilaterally change that, it can upset them (and I get why - you have decided to change, it doesn't make it fair that they have to).

    Sometimes partners can be real jerks about us losing weight and getting healthy, but far more often (I think) it's that we are unintentionally foisting our new goals onto them and they get (somewhat understandably) resentful.
  • catgurl_reeree
    catgurl_reeree Posts: 65 Member
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    Keep up with the good work :) she may be a little jealous or maybe feeling left out a bit if your focus is mostly on weight loss, what you eat etc and she feels it's taking away from her. It's a shame though, because your partner is the one person you want to be shown the most support and love. I guess just try to keep positive about it all, and maybe not talk about the diet and exercise etc, and maybe she'll eventually get used to it
  • vixtris
    vixtris Posts: 688 Member
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    Wow :( I'm sorry thats happening to you. You may need to have a conversation with your partner, and tell her she is going to have to learn to respect your decision to lose weight and get in shape. tell her that if she truely loves you, she would love you no matter how your body looked. Ask her if she feels resentment or something against her for your decision to lose weight. Ask her if she wants to join you and work on goals together, and let her know how motivating it would be to you, and how happy it would make you. be sure to tell her how her not supporting you is making you feel. communication is #1 in relationships. Making friends here on MFP is another good way to deal with those in your real life that dont support you. You can find a nice, motivating group of people with similar goals.
  • Zarnoo
    Zarnoo Posts: 3 Member
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    Just do your thing. I don't think you're being selfish, maybe your partner is the one being.. Jealousy, maybe even fear of losing you to someone else, has found a way to her thinking.
    Your partner might think lesser of herself and her reaction is more like defensive attack.
    You can try to keep your fitness related things to yourself for a little amount of time and see if that works. Our enthusiasm might be too much for our partners.
    This method worked for me. Now my partner is even willing to track macros with me!! YAY
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    Jeanette562 wrote: »
    My partner shows me zero support instead she criticizes my new bod and talks me down about how I've become selfish since I started taking care of myself. I don't know what to do any more.

    Sure you do.

    Dump her.
  • oh_happy_day
    oh_happy_day Posts: 1,138 Member
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    Firstly, I would stop asking her to join you. She may be experiencing it as criticism and becoming defensive or feeling threatened in some way. In a perfect world our partners would adapt their lifestyles as well, I dream of being a weight-lifting, meal-prepping team. But it's probably not going to happen. He's very supportive in some ways - says I'm doing great when he sees me making good choices, makes dinner when I'm a gym late etc. But he's also one of those 'can eat anything and not gain a pound types'. I don't know how many times I've had to ask him not keep junk food in the house because I can't control myself around it. At least he hides it now. I found kit kats in his sock drawer the other day. For us it's a balance. He comes with me on runs once a week, brings me fresh berries as a treat instead of buying wine like he used to etc. And in return I make him baked potatoes, chilli and other foods I can't eat when he gets sick of my lower calorie foods.

    I'd raise the topic with her gently, at a time where you're both relaxed. Use 'I' statements - "When X happens, I feel like...." Ask her what her experience has been of you changing your lifestyle. If she feels like you spend less time together now, find a compromise somewhere in your schedules. Maybe she's feeling self-conscious about her own body now that you've made such a huge change.

    Taking care of your health and yourself as a person is 100% NOT selfish. Working towards goals is not selfish. Partners should build each other up, not tear each other down. Criticism of someone's body is not okay. It's hurtful and mean. It's one thing to not participate in your new habits/lifestyle - it's another thing entirely to tear you down.
  • Faithful_Chosen
    Faithful_Chosen Posts: 401 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Jeanette562 wrote: »
    I started my weight loss journey in September of 2014 with a 6 week challenge since then I've been eating right for the most part and working out most days of the week. I've lost 30 lbs i don't plan on stopping now when I've come so far . I'm at my lowest weight ever in my adult life and feel amazing. My partner shows me zero support instead she criticizes my new bod and talks me down about how I've become selfish since I started taking care of myself. I don't know what to do any more. Is anyone on the same boat? I've tried on numerous occasions to get her to join me but this only adds to the drama.. ugh!

    Oh boy, this is literally my story. My partner is a little overweight and she hates it. She is, however, not ready to make a change and I don't force her in any way, shape or form. I was already lighter than her when I started my fitness journey so watching me loose even more weight has made her hit the roof. We had a huge blow-out two weeks ago in which she even questioned if we could go on together 'if we have drifted so far apart'. She realized three hours of tearful talking later that she was projecting her fears and frustrations onto me and that I have not been forcing her to join me on my journey.

    In fact, I make her her own meals every day (healthy but to her tastes so they carry more calories than mine), get what she asks me to buy in the store (she buys the rest herself, mostly in fatty lunch foods and calorie bomb chilled coffees), and I never pull her into my fitness journey unless she asks and then she sticks with it for a day or two before falling off the wagon, or we go skating for 15 minutes together (instead of me going for my usual blast hour). Point is: I don't put any pressure on her, she does that herself. Watching me get leaner reminds her that she is only putting on weight. Not much, but a little bit and it builds.

    I think the fact that we are both women makes things harder. She already feels extrinsic pressure to change her ways outside of the home and plenty intrinsic ones as well but she thinks calorie counting is a sure fire way to get anorexic and she is terrified I am heading there as well. I am not, let me assure you. She is a very emotional person, and she combats self-image issues. She is terrified of losing me--always was, but now it's worse because I am leaning out. She doesn't get that I do this for me, not for her, not for anyone else. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, she has nothing to worry about, but she finds that impossible to believe.

    Anyway, we made it past the calorie counting speed bump pretty much and while I am sure there will be lapses, for now we are doing okay. It's a bit of a mess but I refuse to let her insecurity stand in the way of my journey to health and happiness. I hope one day she will join me, but I love her regardless and I guess I will just have to show her that I am not going anywhere.

    This was a bit of a messy reply, but I hope something in here is helpful to you, OP. All I can say is stick to open communication and be patient with her. If your girl is anything like mine, she is just battling her own demons.

    Good luck!
  • TheNewImprovedJames
    TheNewImprovedJames Posts: 9 Member
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    Keep going and remember why you started as for your partner ever heard the old saying "you can only lead a horse to water you can make them drink" remember it's just as much their choice to stay the same as its your choice to make yourself better. As for your relationship just remember not to stop doing the things that brought you two together in the first place it's always important to never stop try to make your relationship work.

  • TheNewImprovedJames
    TheNewImprovedJames Posts: 9 Member
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    Buy the way I just started MFP two weeks ago and log every day just lost 3 kilo so far 42 to go add me :)
  • oh_happy_day
    oh_happy_day Posts: 1,138 Member
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    Faithful_Chosen wrote: »
    Jeanette562 wrote: »

    It's a bit of a mess but I refuse to let her insecurity stand in the way of my journey to health and happiness. I hope one day she will join me, but I love her regardless and I guess I will just have to show her that I am not going anywhere.

    Love this.
  • theswan0
    theswan0 Posts: 51 Member
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    My husband drinks anywhere between 8-12 cans of larger a night eats rubbish all the time hardly moves and is very over weight he has tried in the passed but i have given up trying to get him to join me into being fit and healthy i don't drink i don't eat rubish, but this is my journey and i want a long and healthy full life if they don't want to you can not encourage them they have to want to for themselves If anything it motivates me more knowing i can make him his bad food have crisps and chocolate in the house and know i am stronger than to give in to temptation because i want it enough, what i would do if i was you is keep motivated reach your goals and hopefully she will see how happy its making you and then maybe she will join you or at least support you as she wants you to be happy and remember its your journey you can do it.

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