When someone important to you gets you down
amehh91
Posts: 1,282 Member
I think I just need to get this off my chest as I'm sitting here getting more and more wound up so please bear with me.
My mum is my best friend and her opinion is very important to me. However she has made some digs over this weight loss that have frequently left me feeling rubbish and doubting myself. I'm 5'6 and have lost around 63lbs so far with a view to losing another 10 or so pounds and I am now the same size in clothes as my mum (having always been a minimum of 3 sizes bigger). She has told me it is unrealistic for someone of my height to be a UK size 10 (the size she wants to be). That I can't shop in certain shops because the sizes come up small (instead of just buying a bigger size) That I am not fun anymore since I have lost weight because I won't eat all the food she offers me. That I'm selfish and wasteful because I ordered a dessert at a restaurant and ate half (she made me feel so bad for leaving some, she really pushed me to eat it all, despite being full - it made me realise some of my eating issues like always having to clear my plate etc) and then today she made a comment about seeing my collarbone and that I must now be anorexic. She just wouldn't let it go - she even mentioned to one of my friends the other week she thinks I'm anorexic but she doesn't say it as if worried, more angry or annoyed. I am certainly not anorexic - I'm 147lbs and love food too much, discovering the secret to losing weight and not starving myself was one of the best things to happen to me.
Anyway, this just plays on my mind a lot - as someone who is supposed to be supportive of me and my goals (and always says she is proud of me) she certainly knows how to bring me down and make me feel bad about what I'm doing. She herself is on mfp so she can see my diary and absolutely see how much I eat every day - and has also commented that she can't believe I eat so much and lose weight! She has now told me today that I can't lose anymore weight or I'll be ill.
What can I do to let this go? I know I am healthy and fit, a good weight and just want to be a little smaller but when she says things like this is makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered losing any weight. I don't feel I can say anything directly as I'm not very confrontational but does anyone have any advice on how to close the conversations if they come up again? Or just anyone with similar experiences and how you dealt with them? I absolutely don't want to fall out with her but I want her to be happy for me, or at least recognise that I am happier now and not try to bring me down.
Thanks for reading - sorry it's so long
My mum is my best friend and her opinion is very important to me. However she has made some digs over this weight loss that have frequently left me feeling rubbish and doubting myself. I'm 5'6 and have lost around 63lbs so far with a view to losing another 10 or so pounds and I am now the same size in clothes as my mum (having always been a minimum of 3 sizes bigger). She has told me it is unrealistic for someone of my height to be a UK size 10 (the size she wants to be). That I can't shop in certain shops because the sizes come up small (instead of just buying a bigger size) That I am not fun anymore since I have lost weight because I won't eat all the food she offers me. That I'm selfish and wasteful because I ordered a dessert at a restaurant and ate half (she made me feel so bad for leaving some, she really pushed me to eat it all, despite being full - it made me realise some of my eating issues like always having to clear my plate etc) and then today she made a comment about seeing my collarbone and that I must now be anorexic. She just wouldn't let it go - she even mentioned to one of my friends the other week she thinks I'm anorexic but she doesn't say it as if worried, more angry or annoyed. I am certainly not anorexic - I'm 147lbs and love food too much, discovering the secret to losing weight and not starving myself was one of the best things to happen to me.
Anyway, this just plays on my mind a lot - as someone who is supposed to be supportive of me and my goals (and always says she is proud of me) she certainly knows how to bring me down and make me feel bad about what I'm doing. She herself is on mfp so she can see my diary and absolutely see how much I eat every day - and has also commented that she can't believe I eat so much and lose weight! She has now told me today that I can't lose anymore weight or I'll be ill.
What can I do to let this go? I know I am healthy and fit, a good weight and just want to be a little smaller but when she says things like this is makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered losing any weight. I don't feel I can say anything directly as I'm not very confrontational but does anyone have any advice on how to close the conversations if they come up again? Or just anyone with similar experiences and how you dealt with them? I absolutely don't want to fall out with her but I want her to be happy for me, or at least recognise that I am happier now and not try to bring me down.
Thanks for reading - sorry it's so long
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Replies
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You have to give yourself the things that the people in our life won't or are unable to give. I'm sure your mum loves you very much but sometime they have a hard time showing it in the ways we need them too. You can't make somebody else be happy for you! You have to be happy for yourself! BTW congratulations on your weight Loss! You look great.0
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First: Great job on your weight loss!
Second: I'm glad to see that you are asking how to let this go. It's unlikely that your Mom will change so all you can do is figure out how to cope with her attitude and behavior.
She might just be jealous of your success. She might be struggling with your transition from a child to an adult.
Be firm about what and when you eat. That's entirely up to you.
Print out a BMI chart so that she can see that your current weight and target weight are just fine. It's up to her whether she believes it or not.
After that, any time she mentions anything about food or your weight, just tell her that you don't want to discuss it anymore. Don't elaborate or argue, just say that you don't want to discuss it.0 -
Perhaps your mom is having a hard time expressing herself and I'm sure she feels you are perfect just the way you are so don't let her comments allow you to give up on your goals. This journey has to be something you do for yourself and sometimes those who are closest to us don't understand how important tis is to us or how their comments can be hurtful which is why this community is so helpful at least to me. You're progress so far is amazing and is proof that you have what it takes to reach any goal you set for yourself. You can do this!! Let me know if I can help
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Love your Mom exactly as she is. Have no expectations of what she "should do" or "how she should act". Have a few stock phrases ready, for example:
a) Thank you for your concern, I need some time to think about that...(change the subject)
b) Mom that is very interesting.......
c) Mom, right this minute I am full, perhaps we could box up that dessert for later...(even if you throw it in the trash)
d)Mom tell me about you.....
e) Mom I only have 10 minutes to talk, I'm leaving for........ (good way to keep phone calls quick)
f) Mom tell me about what it was like growing up in your family.....(I learned a LOT about why my Mom is the way she is)
g) Mom, No is a complete sentence, please respect my decision
Just love her, and be true to yourself. When we change, it takes the rest of the world some time to catch up.0 -
If she's had bad luck with fad diets in the past (or now), and doesn't understand how how you're losing weight by eating "so much", she might be genuinely baffled and concerned by your weight loss. Does she think you're purging food?
Those fad diets that so many women believed worked can promote a disordered way of thinking. Maybe she just can't break free of it.
If so, you could try to teach her, by sending her links to sites with good information... might not get far, but it might start to ring some bells.
The 'finish your plate' thing may also be a hangover from another, more misguided time (as far as wt loss is concerned).
Also she's used to seeing you as her cuddly little girl. Now, you're not only older - which can be hard for parents to accept on its own - but you're looking like a different kind of young woman than she expected. That may be threatening to her for any number of reasons, which she herself may not understand. (One of which may be difficulty processing her own lack of success with weight loss).Love your Mom exactly as she is. Have no expectations of what she "should do" or "how she should act". Have a few stock phrases ready, for example:
a) Thank you for your concern, I need some time to think about that...(change the subject)
b) Mom that is very interesting.......
c) Mom, right this minute I am full, perhaps we could box up that dessert for later...(even if you throw it in the trash)
d)Mom tell me about you.....
e) Mom I only have 10 minutes to talk, I'm leaving for........ (good way to keep phone calls quick)
f) Mom tell me about what it was like growing up in your family.....(I learned a LOT about why my Mom is the way she is)
g) Mom, No is a complete sentence, please respect my decision
Just love her, and be true to yourself. When we change, it takes the rest of the world some time to catch up.
This is perfect.0 -
I'm 5'6 and have lost around 63lbs so far with a view to losing another 10 or so pounds and I am now the same size in clothes as my mum (having always been a minimum of 3 sizes bigger). She has told me it is unrealistic for someone of my height to be a UK size 10 (the size she wants to be). That I can't shop in certain shops because the sizes come up small (instead of just buying a bigger size)
It sounds like she is jealouse really. You are getting closer towards her goal than she has ever gotten.
Also, size 10 for your specs is not unrealistic, I'm 5'10 (178 cm) and I'm 145 lbs and (depending on brand) still wear uk size 10. And yes, sometimes they come up small, but who cares. And yes, occasionally I need to size up because a top might be to short for my height. Since you are 4 inches smaller that should not be an issue for you.
And yes, it is really sad she isn't supporting you. Collarbones showing is totally normal. It does not sound like you are anorexic at all. I'm with tomatoey on this, perhaps she truly does not understand how calorie counting works.
It really does sound like jealousy, so just keep going how you are going. Your goals do not sound unrealistic or unhealthy. Perhaps try education and supporting your mother in her weightloss so she can start feeling good about herself again.
She probably doesn't feel good about herself and wants to be able to achieve what you have been achieving..
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Maybe she'll see this post...0
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It does sound like she's jealous you've gotten to the size she's struggling to get to. You're at a good weight for your height, and a size 10 is not too small. I would stick to answers that are to the point, but not rude "I'm happy with my weight as it is" "I would love to finish it off, but I'm full - I couldn't possibly manage the rest". In time, she should get used to your new weight and leave it alone, don't be disheartened. My sister was rude to me at first when she noticed I had lost some weight - she kept telling me I 'looked disgusting', I was 'too skinny', and trying to get those around to agree with how disgusting I looked. Fortunately everyone else has said how much better I look! I got the ungrateful speech yelled at me too with a cake being shoved right in my face! That was the point I stopped taking it personally, before that it did upset me, but I was so shocked at being called every name under the sun and having a cake shoved in my face for answering 'oh no thank you' to would you like a cake that I ceased taking it to heart! Its stopped now thankfully, but getting close to goal now, so I'm fully expecting to be reminded about how revolting I am soon, but i know the reason behind it is not my weight at all, it's her want to lose weight herself. She wants to lose weight, but she can't be bothered to do anything about it. The way I see it, others can be whatever weight they want to be, but so can I. I try to ignore it, and piolitely reply with a short response about being happier for losing weight, and leave it as that. If they keep banging on, I won't justify it with an answer. You're doing this for you, your mum will just have to get used to it. Be proud of what you've achieved, you've done great
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I'd sit her down and give it to her with both barrels. But I'm a bull in a china shop.0
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BTW, I'm 5'6". At 147, I was too fat on several measures--belly diameter, hip/waist ratio, and body fat percentage were all too high.
When I'm at my happy size, I'm a UK 8-10...12 in the bust from this measure:
http://www.asos.com/infopages/SizeGuide/pgesizechart.aspx
10 is not at all too thin.0 -
I've kind of given up on expecting my husband to be my cheerleader in my quest to lose weight and get healthier
What I have done, is surround myself with friends who DO support me and cheer me on. Hubby says "is your diet helping with this?" (As he pokes my belly)...my gym friends say "you're looking slimmer" "nice legs" and "your waist is definitely getting smaller! !"0 -
Hmmmmm..... The saying goes "we teach people how to treat us"
It is either time to teach him or retrain him - that starts with you
Is your diet helping with this? Why yes dear it is. It is reminding me that I am a beautiful woman inside and out. And I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Thank You!!!0 -
Thank you so much for all your responses. She definitely understands how calorie counting works as she is on here herself and has lost around 7lbs or so. Weight and food has always been a contentious topic in our family, the women particularly are obsessed. My mum is actually a healthy weight for her age and height but has always wanted to be 7lbs lighter than whatever weight she has been haha. I guess I can see how it can be a change to adjust to for everyone else too, I just don't feel that she needs to be so forceful with her opinion but I'm not sure I can change that.
Today it did happen again with anorexic accusations and tried to get my stepdad to agree because I refused some lunch as I'd just had a big fruit pot and a couple of coffees and wasn't hungry at that particular moment. My stepdad just stays out of it (wisely!). The thing that gets me is the hypocrisy as well - I can guarantee that I had eaten more than her by that point in the day and will definitely have had more by the end of the day.
After reading your responses I think I am going to work on a way to cut the conversation off nicely but firmly so it doesn't get to the point where I'm actually upset and worked up, and I'm going to try and take the comments with a pinch of salt. I definitely don't want to upset my mum, we have such a close relationship and I really don't know what I would have done or would do in the future without her - I don't want anything to spoil our relationship. We are in sync for most things but this is one area that we don't seem aligned on.
Thanks again for all the advice, it feels good to have gotten that all off my chest 0 -
I too am very close to my Mom - We are very different people, so I have learned to love her exactly as "she is".
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Non-replies can work well to not escalate until you can think of a way to change the subject.
Hmmm
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
You think so?
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Love your Mom exactly as she is. Have no expectations of what she "should do" or "how she should act". Have a few stock phrases ready, for example:
a) Thank you for your concern, I need some time to think about that...(change the subject)
b) Mom that is very interesting.......
c) Mom, right this minute I am full, perhaps we could box up that dessert for later...(even if you throw it in the trash)
d)Mom tell me about you.....
e) Mom I only have 10 minutes to talk, I'm leaving for........ (good way to keep phone calls quick)
f) Mom tell me about what it was like growing up in your family.....(I learned a LOT about why my Mom is the way she is)
g) Mom, No is a complete sentence, please respect my decision
Just love her, and be true to yourself. When we change, it takes the rest of the world some time to catch up.
Great advice!!0 -
I can totally feel Mom's perspective, and your predicament. A lot of echoing thoughts at my end. She probably grew up with the usual social programming/norms/taboos. Eat everything on your plate. Offering food is a form of love/hospitality, so refusing it hurts or is rude... Add to that, that she should be the nurturing mother, (Starving your child would be an unfathomable crime). I've been a parent for decades and can't just "turn it off". Investing that much energy/thought/time/emotion in a child will last forever. Its hard enough to let go on tge normal stuff. The significant weight l0
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Last sentence. The significant weight loss strikes at the very heart of the nuturing mother. And she may be afraid that you won't know when to stop. Like a car with no breaks, it's terrifying .0
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I understand. When I was a teenager I was about the size I am now and my mom was definitely pretty vocal about it. Not so much that she wasn't supportive about weight loss but she'd definitely make comments regarding my weight that were upsetting. I never did tell her that it upset me and in retrospect maybe I should have. I definitely think she was in a different frame of mind back then though as now she's definitely supportive of me no matter what.
Maybe try talking to your mom. See if you can get her on board with you and you guys can lose the 10 lbs together.0 -
Congrats on your weight loss.
I can say that sometimes we label a relationship one way while the other person may not give it the same label. My daughter once told me I was her best friend and the was the beginning of a very painful conversation - basically to express that I was not her 'friend.' Your mother seems to be having a hard time dealing with the changes you have made, something many of us have gone through, I believe in time it will get better but, you probably won't forget how she has made you feel with the things already said. If you are doing this for yourself, keep at it and use that pain from those words to motivate you.0 -
sarahrbraun wrote: »I've kind of given up on expecting my husband to be my cheerleader in my quest to lose weight and get healthier
What I have done, is surround myself with friends who DO support me and cheer me on. Hubby says "is your diet helping with this?" (As he pokes my belly)...my gym friends say "you're looking slimmer" "nice legs" and "your waist is definitely getting smaller! !"
Wow, that is a terrible thing for your husband to say and do! You should NOT be treated like that. I bolded the GOOD comments because those matter. Keep it up! You are doing this for YOU anyway!
ETA, I also like @mom216's response.0 -
OP, how do you think your mom would respond if she read this thread? Perhaps you should talk to her about this frankly, once, and see how she reacts. Definitely start the conversation with the exact sentence you started here: My mum is my best friend and her opinion is very important to me.
After that, implementing all of the techniques mentioned in the above comments is a great idea. Good luck and congrats!0 -
I love my mom with all my heart, but sometimes she says hurtful things. I have tried to tell her when she says things, "that was really mean" or hurtful or rude or unsupportive; but nothing has ever worked. I now employ two strategies, I have told her when she says something hurtful I will say "that was really hurtful" and get up and walk away. Conversation ended. If I am in a situation where I cannot walk away; I say "that was really hurtful" and I stop talking. Conversation ended. This has not changed my mother from making comments, but does make her realize that she is hurting me with her words.0
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If your mom is on MFP you've probably just told her how you feel, unless she is unaware of the forums. But, I think your post is not offensive so maybe it would be good if she sees it.0
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