Husband wants a divorce completely blindsided

happygalah · July 2015

I'm just devastated as it has come out of the blue. We had a few problems but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

I've lost a whole bunch of weight and got treated for my depression and feel so much happier. I've lost 47lbs total and he has not said one word about my weight loss and keeps insulting my appearance saying I look old. It's like the thinner I get the meaner he is to me.

When I said I was much happier losing weight and not being depressed anymore, he told me I was too happy and it was annoying.

He said he now wanted kids but not with me as I'm too old. That's when he said he wanted out of the marriage. We've been together 10 years and he just springs this on me. He keeps insulting me and blaming me for his unhappiness.

I'm just so shocked. I can't eat anything.

Cahgetsfit · July 2015

Wow that sucks. Here - have a virtual hug (( )) because I don't know what to say to this!

oh_happy_day · July 2015

He sounds like a miserable and bitter person. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Anyone who says to you that your happiness is annoying after you've been treated for depression....is just....I can only think of swear words. Well, basically that's incredibly mean, self-centred and heartless.

Take care of yourself.

DuckReconMajor · July 2015

I am so sorry to hear that. I don't think any of us can give you advice to magically fix everything, but all I can say is as much as this hurts, focus on yourself, how far you've come, and don't let your success slip away in the midst of all this. Good luck to you and well wishes.

ohmscheeks · July 2015

For future reference, the lack of love/support and insults were signs that the marriage would not last. Sorry that you have to go through this! I hope that you have better days ahead.

meganbelt855 · July 2015

Honestly, he sounds threatened by your happiness and weight-loss success. You aren't the one with the problem. Would you tolerate this kind of treatment from a friend? Probably not (at least I hope not). Keep taking care of yourself and doing what makes you feel healthy and happy. You deserve that. You've walked a hard road, don't let his issues take away from everything you've worked for, ok? <hug>

999tigger · July 2015

I can imagine the great shock and am sorry that you are having to deal with it. Nobody should wnat to be with someone who is mean to you. Either you cna talk it out, maybe he is willing to go to counseling or more likely you will need to start preparing yourself for the split. You will be dazed and in shock for a while so try and get the support of firends as well as support yourself and avoid blame. Sometimes people change and grow apart, so am not sure of what benefit there will be in overanalysing whats gone on. He could have been unhappy a long time ago, but for now think of your own happiness and it isnt a good prospect to be with someone who is unpleasant.

Keep on with the weight loss its a wholly good thing and if he cnat deal with it then hes really a misery who doesnt want the best for you. A reason on its own why he will be no great loss.

Maybe consider going to counseling on your own as thats often allowed so you cna talk it through with them .

Do try and eat some nutrition your body needs it.

I always like this thread from MFP as to how the poster took the situation and it helped her grow in terms of confidence into a better life. It might seem like the end right now, but theres a good chance it could be a good thing and you cna find someone who deserves you and makes you happy as well.

Keep going be patient and kind to yourself, stuff happens.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/971636/my-story-of-sweet-revenge-pics/p1

Ps on a pracical side you do need to start identifying what assets you have abd geting some divorce advice. Its not clear what country you are in, but you will need independent advice if there are children or you are not confident about how to deal with finances. If you cnat afford a lawyer or theres relatively few assets, then maybe a friend who you know is clear thinking and able to review things objectively in a common sense sort of way. You may also get advice from some law centre sort of place or punlicly funded advice or legal charity on how to proceed in your jurisdiction.

juleszephyr · July 2015

I totally feel for you. I lost 118 lbs six years ago and my husband who I had been with for 22 years then within 12 months had left me and my two young boys. He hated the thinner and healthier and happier me as he felt intimidated and threatened. I was devastated too. He sounds like an idiot and in the long run you are better off without someone who relishes your successes and make you feel wonderful. Let him go, focus on yourself and enjoy setting your new you free. Oh and a big hug!!! Jules x

happygalah · July 2015

Thank you all so much! I appreciate the kind words and support. It's late here and I'll post more in the morning. Going to try to get some rest since I have only slept a few hours in several days.

spatulamom · July 2015

happygalah wrote: »

Thank you all so much! I appreciate the kind words and support. It's late here and I'll post more in the morning. Going to try to get some rest since I have only slept a few hours in several days.

I've had several friends who've had their marriage end after they lost weight and became happier people overall - I don't know what the correlation is, but it's almost as if their husbands were threatened by their healthier lifestyles. One of my friends said her husband didn't like the attention she got after she lost weight - even though she never would have acted upon that attention.

The most important thing is that YOU are happy for you and that you take care of yourself, both emotionally and financially.

jgnatca · July 2015

This may or may not reflect what happened to you, but I see a lot of demeaning comments from your ex. Healthy people want others to be healthy, too. He wanted you....what? Fat and miserable?

morning_joy · July 2015

I am deeply sorry. It sounds like he is threatened by this new healthy, happy you and maybe a bit insecure.

Try to take this as an opportunity for you to find an even happier life for yourself. I divorced 8 months ago and I have to say it has been the greatest period of growth for both myself and my ex. We are actually living together again but it took several months of us being apart, changing, healing before that could happen. He too use to be very threatened by my activity and desire for health and happiness. He never addressed what was going on with him until I left. Then he changed more in three months than he had in 27 years. My progress is slower but it is happening. We see each other now but I am not willing to be back in a committed relationship until my relationship with myself is healthy and strong. For so much of my life, I did what everyone around me needed done and sorely neglected myself in the process and was miserable.

suzcain · July 2015

I've been exactly where you are - completely blindsided by a divorce. And my husband treated me badly in the months leading up to it, too. You are going through the most difficult thing you will ever experience in your life. I completely understand your shock and pain. If you have family, go stay with them. I mean right now. That was the advice given to me when it happened. One of my coworkers even got online and purchased the plane ticket for me because I couldn't handle even the simplest tasks. And if you don't have family or close friends to lean on, find a divorce support group. It will help you feel less alone.

And this won't mean anything to you right now - right now you are in shock and mourning. But it happened to me 15 years ago. It took a while, but I eventually saw that the way he treated me... In the end, I was lucky he left me. And I just (finally) re-married a few months ago to a man who is kind and full of integrity. Good things are ahead of you, but right now you just have to deal with the pain and loss.

When I was going through the ending of my first marriage, a friend gave me a little book called "Words on Courage" and at the time, there were 2 quotes I kept reading:

"What will see me through the next 20 years (and I am less sure of those 20 than I was of 'forever') is my knowledge that even in the sweeping away of all that I assumed to be permanent, even when the universe made it quite clear to me that I was mistaken in my certainties, in my definitions, I did not break. The shattering of my sureties did not shatter me." (Lucille Clifton)

"It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security." (Anne Morrow Lindbergh, who of all people, knew what this meant)

You can see from all the posts here that you have a lot of people rooting for you!

azulvioleta6 · July 2015

What an awful surprise. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

fannyfrost · July 2015

I am so sorry to hear this. It is funny that when you fix yourself, your spouse does not always come along. There are so many reasons for what happened.

1- When you were depressed you were easier to control
2 - He doesn't like that you are happy since he isn't
3- He was always negative and you didn't really notice until you treated the depression
4- You may now have different things you like

Basically you moved forward and he was left behind. You made positive changes and he didn't so he doesn't know how to handle that. Your positive changes make him look bad.

I know someone who lost weight and got into exercise and sports. Her husband actually said "you don't eat normal food like fried chicken anymore". He wanted her stay the way she was because he was that way too and didn't want to change.

I am sorry it was out of the blue and sorry it happened, but in my opinion look at it as another chapter in your life and a chance to continue moving forward.

R1rainbows · July 2015

Good thing with your lifestyle and hot new bod, new men who are worth your time will be lining right up! You don't need some negative nancy being jealous of your new way of life dragging you down anyways!

tomatoey · July 2015

Ugh. I'm sorry you were blindsided. It's going to suck for a while, no doubt, this was a shock.

But truth be told, he did you a favour. Good riddance. Now (or in a while) you will be free to meet someone decent.

DuckReconMajor · July 2015

reina1979 wrote: »

Good thing with your lifestyle and hot new bod, new men who are worth your time will be lining right up! You don't need some negative nancy being jealous of your new way of life dragging you down anyways!

This too. You could have gotten super out of shape and depressed and your partner left you because of that. Instead your partner left because you were too good. Some people say this to make themselves feel better after a breakup. For you it's true.

Does that make this hurt any less? No. But have you set yourself up for a brighter road ahead? Absolutely.

soldiergrl_101 · July 2015

Wow that sucks. I just divorced 4 months ago...I planned it for a year and as I lost weight in preparation he would insult me all the time in fear that I would leave him for a hotter guy...and welp look what happened...I did leave him. Best decision I ever made. Better to be single than stay married to someone who makes you feel like *kitten*, and talks down to you everyday. You deserve better and guaranteed he'll envy you for it

mbaker566 · July 2015

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this blindsided you and I'm sorry he was such a turd to you

change affects everyone and he likely felt like he was being left behind as you improved yourself. it's much harder to bully a happy and confident person.

keep going and stay happy. It's going to hurt, there will likely be tears and doubt and fear but try to remember that you will probably be in a better place after this is all over. with or without him

schandler1011 · July 2015

Good for you getting healthy! Some people want to blame others for the success they haven't found. People like that aren't reasonable. Hope you can eat something soon!

SueInAz · July 2015

Without knowing all of the back story, which we wouldn't expect you to share, it's impossible to say where his motivation really lies. And I'm not sure it matters anyway. I can say with certainty, however, that he has probably been unhappy for quite some time and that the desire for a divorce has been with him for awhile. Without a traumatic trigger event, marriages don't end on a moment's notice. It's something people think about for quite some time and you'd be surprised how often the spouse has no clue. (I have three acquaintances whose marriages ended that way. It was obvious things weren't great but the divorces surprised everyone but the people who asked for them.) The fact that he didn't ever talk to you about his feelings, other than by saying mean things about you about the things he didn't like about you, is indicative of his personality, though. His problems, are however, his problems. If he became unhappier as you got fit and happy then his problems are probably not something that are going to be fixed by therapy. That's not really the reaction of someone who loves their spouse in the "normal" way. Our happiness should be a cause for them to be happy, too, not a reason to ask for divorce.

I wish you all the best! It sounds like you will be better off in the end but I know the next few months will probably be tough on you.

happygalah · July 2015

Gosh thank you all so very much for your kind words. I managed to get a few hours of sleep and made myself eat something at least to keep up my strength.

Looking back, the only trigger I can see is he became obsessively involved a few months ago, in this activist group online. He spent hours every day chatting in this group. I didn't say anything at first because I just thought he was having fun but when I realised he would log on to the group first thing in the morning and be on it all day until very very late at night I said something about it and he got very angry with me telling me I am spoiling his fun that these people are his real friends and I'm a killjoy.

He is studying and 2 days before a final exam, he was obsessing about some email attachment some "opposing" group sent to him. He was downloading some software to look at it safely. I asked him what he was doing and he told me and I said you know you have an exam in 2 days. Then it is like a light bulb went off in his head and he closed it down and got on with his studying.

A few times he mentioned that I was way out of his league and that he was dragging me down.

shadowfax_c11 · July 2015

You deserve better. Cut him loose. Life is too short to waste it with people who don't contribute to and encourage you to have success in life.

baldielove13 · July 2015

I am so sorry girl. Please keep taking care of yourself. That is the most important thing.

arathena720 · July 2015

Jerk! take your brand new you and go get ya some!

fidangul · July 2015

I'm in shocked to hear how your husband can treat you like that. That is no way anybody should treat another person. He should go sort his own problems out and not try to drag you down with him. You just focus on your happiness , let him be. If he realises his mistake good but if not then don't allow him to ruin your life.

Nataliegetfit · July 2015

I am so sorry about the way your husband is treating you. I know right now it's awful and a shock to you, but 6 months from now looking back, you will be better off without him. It sounds like you don't have children with him yet, if not, good. It would be awful having to deal with him with raising children. No one should have to put up with someone treating them like that. You need to take care of yourself, love yourself, be healthy, talk to a professional if you need to. You are such a beautiful person and you should be treated with love and respect and be treasured. Know that you deserve better, never settle for less. I hope things get easier for you. I will be praying for your situation. Don't let him weasel his way back either, I wouldn't trust how he treats you. Verbal abuse is abuse.

zoeysasha37 · July 2015

Listen, I know this sucks and will be hard but it sounds like you are too good for him anyway. Let him be miserable all by himself. You go on and have a happy life. Get a lawyer and protect your assets. You'll be fine