Husband wants a divorce completely blindsided

2

Replies

  • happygalah
    happygalah Posts: 343 Member
    I am just overwhelmed at all the support on here. It makes me feel a lot better. Today I am thinking that maybe I'm not in love with him anymore. Maybe the emotional abuse and neglect has built up too much.

    I stopped trying to talk to him as every time I go into the same room as he is, he starts accusing me of things I didn't do.
  • DuckReconMajor
    DuckReconMajor Posts: 434 Member
    How feasible would a trial separation be? At first i thought this would sound a bit drastic but then i was like oh yeah, he is the one who wanted the divorce.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    It sounds like he is in a downward spiral and he doesn't want to take you with him. This may be a kindness.
  • Amybcb
    Amybcb Posts: 292 Member
    He sounds like an emotional abuser. He puts you down to try to build himself up. People like him will never be happy or satisfied. You are better off without him. I am sorry if this sounds harsh as I know you are probably hurting but "the more weight I lose, the more mean he is" is a very telling statement. So now that he can't tease you for weight he will find something else to pick on you for ("you are old"). Let me say you are beautiful AS YOU ARE. He cannot dictate your worth. Sounds like you are better off without a person like him bringing you down and dragging you in the mud. You are already healthier and happier, let this be a step in a new direction for you. Head held high, let happiness reign.
  • mom216
    mom216 Posts: 287 Member
    Hmmmmm..... Thank Him! Why would you want someone who is mean, condescending etc. You get freedom and the opportunity to find someone who will give you emotional support, respect, love, kindness, humor and genuine friendship. Continue taking care of yourself and know you are beautiful inside & out!!!! Chin up, shoulders squared, and strut.
  • Mrj183
    Mrj183 Posts: 1,428 Member
    Im sorry to hear. I really do know how hard it is especially when you think its worth saving.
  • tiggerlove
    tiggerlove Posts: 225 Member
    I'm really lost for words, first off congrats on loosing your weight. As for him he maybe unhappy with himself and you loosing the weight says something about himself. Something when ppl or spouses see their partner doing something good and it changes them they get jelous and all they need to do is join thier partner and experince the same feeling. I don't understand why after 10yrs he wants to be cruel. Did all of this start when you started taking care of yourself ??
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    A person's beauty/weight is a measure of status/evidence of "discipline" in our society. When one partner makes a significant change like this, it changes the dynamics of the relationship. The partner may feel threatened, especially if they are not prepared to make changes, too. It takes a mature person to celebrate their loved-one's successes, even if they may be feeling like a failure themselves.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
    i find any time a person makes a significant change, some people are supportive and some are threatened. some of the threatened get over it and others just sink deeper into their pity pot.
  • SherryTeach
    SherryTeach Posts: 2,836 Member
    I have been blindsided by a divorce too, albeit, 33 years ago. It is a huge shock. Get a friend to stay with you for at least a few days. Rally your family and friends, but lay down firm guidelines about how they can be supportive. Definitely get a good therapist to help you work through your grief and make plans for the future. Don't make any important decisions right away (jobs, big financial decisions, etc.) The only thing I can say is that you will eventually be okay, if you choose to be. Relationships are complicated and they don't all last the changes that partners make over time. Do some kind things for yourself.
  • sarah54754
    sarah54754 Posts: 4 Member
    Please forgive me but he sounds like a jerk that you don't want in your life anyway. I know 10 years is a long time to be married to someone but if he is constantly negative towards you especially if you lost a bunch of weight which is not easy to do, he sounds like he's unhappy all on his own not because of you. It's better that you don't have kids with someone like that because it would make the divorce so much harder. I too was in a few verbally abusive relationships and stuck it out because I thought it was the right thing to do. I felt like I'd be failing by leaving. I hung on so long until THEY decided I was no longer good enough for them. Devastated you try and pick up the pieces and at first it's hard, but it's the perfect opportunity to find someone who will respect you and be kind. Keep yourself strong and never let someone lower than you pull you down. ❤️
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    One of the best pieces of advice I received in life was to remove yourself from negative people. I cannot imagine going through this, especially having kids, but in your case spin positive and be grateful that his behavior was exposed now and not later.

    Hang strong. Keep close to your family and friends throughout this.

    As for your husband it sounds as if he is struggling (in large to poor habits) and rather than addressing this, is deflecting his anger with himself towards you. I don't know if you've tried to speak with him about this. Men and women process information and communicate very differently - in Mars/Venus terms he's retreating to his cave.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    There's still grief because it's after all, ten years invested. And also that he has the gall to reject you first. So give yourself time to grieve, separate the bank accounts before he gets ideas on how to spend the money, and start a fresh life. Tears. Relief.
  • saggyandbaggy
    saggyandbaggy Posts: 138 Member
    fannyfrost wrote: »
    I am so sorry to hear this. It is funny that when you fix yourself, your spouse does not always come along. There are so many reasons for what happened.

    1- When you were depressed you were easier to control
    2 - He doesn't like that you are happy since he isn't
    3- He was always negative and you didn't really notice until you treated the depression
    4- You may now have different things you like

    Basically you moved forward and he was left behind. You made positive changes and he didn't so he doesn't know how to handle that. Your positive changes make him look bad.

    I know someone who lost weight and got into exercise and sports. Her husband actually said "you don't eat normal food like fried chicken anymore". He wanted her stay the way she was because he was that way too and didn't want to change.

    I am sorry it was out of the blue and sorry it happened, but in my opinion look at it as another chapter in your life and a chance to continue moving forward.

    This is all very true. often people put us down to keep their own lives in control and can't deal with the changes as it undermines their view of themselves. Time is a great healer even though the present might be so painful, now is the time to focus on your life and the amazing times ahead.
  • VanVan136
    VanVan136 Posts: 9 Member
    This is emotional abuse. Please give him his wish.
    And watch...he probably wont even go
  • happygalah
    happygalah Posts: 343 Member
    I just woke up and log on and see all these lovely kind messages. I'm trying not to cry but I'm so isolated here. All of my family lives in Thailand and the US. Thank you for all the friend requests too.

    I told him if he was so unhappy he could leave at any time but he won't.

    Each day I have more and more nsv with fitting into smaller sizes (wearing a size 10 forever 21 skinny jeans right now) and although I'm so happy with my hard work, I'm so very sad that the person who is supposed to love me insults me. Of course he still is fishing for compliments from me.

    It is especially cruel as I just went through menopause and was feeling a little insecure about aging and he tells me I look old, points out my few gray hairs, say he is embarrassed to be seen with me. :(

    It is funny that he never insulted my appearance when I gained weight and when I was feeling embarrassed at my weight. He isn't overweight but he isn't fit. He fell and injured his back and I took care of him. And yes, he has always been a negative person since we got married. He says how miserable he is but would never do anything to change it.

    I do wish he would go so I can be alone with my thoughts and have a chance to heal. Being around him just hurts too much.





  • debubbie
    debubbie Posts: 767 Member
    Sorry you are having to go through this. Sending hugs your way and I hope that you do not let him derail all of your hard work.
  • khhregister
    khhregister Posts: 229 Member
    Can you get away to visit friends or family? It sounds like it's hard to be in the same room as your husband right now. Please do what it takes to have some peace in your life - you deserve it! And remember you have a whole bunch of people here on MFP who want you to succeed and be happy. Take care.
  • AlwaysOnline6200
    AlwaysOnline6200 Posts: 6 Member
    LOL What does this have to do with fitness? This is a fitness forum, not a marital dispute site hahahahah....JUST KIDDING! He sounds like a complete jerk!!! Dump him and find someone better...
  • NH_1970
    NH_1970 Posts: 544 Member
    Losing someone, even in a relationship ending losing, it's normal to have grief. Not eating can be part of grief, try to reach out to someone who is supportive and a friend who can listen without judgement, if you don't have that try a pastor/minister/or spiritual adviser.
    He may be very insecure, you just keep working on yourself even if you love him you have to love you too.
  • barbecuesauce
    barbecuesauce Posts: 1,771 Member
    So you lost the weight and now he has to drag you for being old? What a cretin. Change the locks (if you can). He's made the decision to end things and I think you should force him to move on. I don't think there's a man in the world worth putting up with emotional abuse.

    And the idea that an older woman is less desirable is nonsense. Maybe to an emotional child like your ex, but not to normal men in their 50s.
  • omnipotentmiku
    omnipotentmiku Posts: 107 Member
    Is that you in your profile pic? Cause you look hella young especially for *glances at your profile pic* WHAT THE F*** !? 52!? How do you do it? Teach me your methods.
  • softblondechick
    softblondechick Posts: 1,275 Member
    Messed up. But, it also goes to prove that losing weight is not the end all solution to all of life's problems. I had this epiphany myself when I weighed 125 and my husband still cheated on me. He kept telling me I was too fat for him. No, he was a jerk.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    reminds me of my parents, they were so verbally abusive, critical of my weight and like someone said after I lost weight they were critical of something else, never ends, you deserve better. I have a husband who is so good to me, that is what you need not negativity
  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    I am really sorry that this is happening to you. I am just so sorry.
  • chelsealamarand
    chelsealamarand Posts: 9 Member
    Don't let him get in the way of your happiness. He is mad you are happy, which should be the opposite, he should be cheering you on every lb or inch you lose. What a miserable guy.. well i'll say it then, and I don't even know you CONGRATS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS! I am very happy for you! :)
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,724 Member
    chelsealamarand wrote: »
    Don't let him get in the way of your happiness. He is mad you are happy, which should be the opposite, he should be cheering you on every lb or inch you lose. What a miserable guy.. well i'll say it then, and I don't even know you CONGRATS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS! I am very happy for you! :)

    Ditto

    Er... wait, the lbs or the jerk? :bigsmile:

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    My hubby fears getting old. Me, I'm embracing it. Perhaps your soon to be ex is projecting. Is there a reason you can't move on/out?
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
    While it wasn't weight loss that prompted my ex to hit the road, I, too was blindsided. It's been over 12 years, and i"m happier, healthier and overall just dandy now! Hang in there!
  • nora_gettingfitnow
    nora_gettingfitnow Posts: 108 Member
    Onwards and Upwards.....stay strong and keep going how you are going. Its obviously working for you and he has just decided to go on a different journey to you. Unfortunately in this world it happens and it sucks but you will be better off in the long run. You need someone who is supportive of what you do in life, no matter what it is even if they are not doing the same as you. Thats how a real realtionship works. Surround yourself with other positive healthy people and they will help to keep you focused. Best of luck in the future girl and massive well done on your achievements so far x
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