Dating, Lowering Expectations

LOL!!!!! No, it just that all the good ones are taken. My wife says this "I blame the feminist movement. Women want to be treated like equals, so men feel they don't need to be chivelrous, respectful, and treat them like one of the guys." I swear, I didn't make that *kitten* up. And lets be honest, we are attracted by looks. It's human nature. I started losing wieght cuz my wife said, "those pants are getting too small for you." Plus, I owe it to myself to be healthy and live for as long as I can for my wife and kids. Anyway, take it how you will. Big may be beautiful, but it's not healthy either.

No do not lower your expectations that is unless you are actively looking for the "perfect" man because there is no perfect man because no one is perfect. So just follow your heart and try to look at the good in people and not to nit picky. Eventually the right man will come around.

You should NEVER lower your expectations EVER.

Just make sure you are expecting the right things.

Don't expect Mr. Perfect super hansom.
Don't expect Mr. Has a great job.
Don't expect Mr. Braniac with a PHD


Do expect him to have at least some things in common with you or at least know that he's likes things you might be interested in.

Do expect him to treat you well and act like a gentleman.

Do expect him to be self sufficient. (You don't have to be anybody's sugar momma)

Do expect him to be supportive and caring.



I'm currently in a relationship with a great man who doesn't have a super great job, doesn't fall into the social standard of hansom, and is in every way a complete and utter nerd.

My mom and my sister can't stand him. They don't like that he is a 'nerd' and to them he looks, acts and dresses like a bum.
But they never gave him a chance.
I gave him a chance though almost five years later I'm happy I did.

I'm a quality, stand up guy who's not looking to settle. Oh, and I'm pretty humble and modest. :bigsmile:

In all seriousness, you shouldn't lower your standards of anything for anyone at any time. Confidence that shines is attractive in itself.

From what I see of your blog, you seem like a sassy, independent, smart, funny, and all around pretty awesome girl. Would you settle for a B on a major test for law school when you know you can study for a few more hours and get an A? Would you accept a job at Traffic Law Hotline once you graduate for 25K a year when you could work a little harder and get the job every graduated dreamed of the the incredibly posh law firm in the highrise downtown? If you were offered free shoes for life, would you shop at Payless rather than Nieman Marshalls?

Something tells me you would say no. Don't settle on anything you truly love and desire in life. You have so much fun and excitement to have through the rest of your 20's....and they are going to FLY by. Man or not in your life, embrace all the awesome things you have going on around you and love every second of it. When the time is right, he is going to come sweep you off your feet.

I work for one of the biggest dating sites in the world and let me tell you something. the biggest thing I learned is that your standards may be crazy. not you personally. but Every single success story i speak to tells me the same thing "i would have never picked them myself." and i'm like thats because whatever you're picking is obviously not working.

don't lower your standards. don't accept crappy people. but also think about whether you're expecting something better or just being judgemental.

let's put it this way... every day on the phones i hear at least 5 people say "my matches are fat." in which i tell them "hows dating thin people going for you?"

same with old, young, bald, hairy, laughs too loud, doesn't laugh enough. isn't smart enough. is too smart for their own good, is too passive, is too aggressive so on. is too thin is too fat is too short is way too tall its amazing what people hold as their standards shutting out so many fantastic people. everything from vanity to race to religion to location and my personal favorite, personality traits. I hear it every single day. so when i hear about people not being able to find the love of their life i ask them... what are you looking for?

what REALLY matters?

anyway.. no. don't lower your standards. but really consider what you are looking for.

let's put it this way... every day on the phones i hear at least 5 people say "my matches are fat." in which i tell them "hows dating thin people going for you?"

That's hilarious lol...

I understand your pain by the way. And no...you shouldn't lower your standards...but, you should do what the kind lady I quoted suggested, and broaden your options a little maybe.

See, I don't date much. Many years ago, I was married. We were together a couple years...it ended horribly, and I was able to win sole custody of my (at the time) 11mo old daughter. I was 23. Fast forward seven years of general singleness. It's not that I didn't WANT a girlfriend...it's that either no one really found me attractive, or at least no one found me attractive enough to give me enough of a signal to pursue. Have you ever heard that song by Dashboard Confessional, called 'So Impossible'?

Here's the chorus:

I'm dying to know...do you like dreaming of things so impossible...
Or only the practical...or ever the what...
Or waiting through all your bad bad days...
Just to end them with...someone you care about...
And do you like making out...
And long drives...and brown eyes...
And guys that just...don't quite fit in...?

Well, that's me. All of it...particularly the last line it seems. Problem is...no one can see it I guess...and I don't quite know how to advertise apparently.

SO...I FINALLY meet the PERFECT girl, and six years later we have two kids that are now living with me...she is 800 miles away...and we're going through a long distance custody battle. She is EXACTLY like my ex wife...I mean, literally almost to the letter. Even my ex wife thinks it's sad I'm going through the same thing twice (she's matured a little...and has fully admitted she screwed up and I didn't deserve it...yay for hindsight??).

Now, you're probably wondering what the hell this all has to do with you?? The point is, the second girl wasn't perfect. The appearance of perfect was there...but deep down all the signs were there too...and I settled...as much out of being happy someone loved me as anything...but it was still the wrong reason. Much as I genuinely loved her...I knew inside. And even more important than my suffering in this situation...is that there's now three little ones suffering for my irrational choice.

Long way to say it I guess...but the moral again, is don't settle...but be willing to slide left or right a little.

Cris

I have lost my faith that there is a guy out there that will love me for me.... i hate to say it but it is true. everyone keeps telling me it will happen when you least expect it. I dont want to lower my expecttions but it is hard not to when u have been let down!! am i the only one that feels this way???

Hmmm, this is a tricky one. In general, I agree that you shouldn't have to lower your standards.
BUT, I think we sometimes don't stop to think about the important things. If your standards include: "wealthy, handsome, 6 pack abs, full head of hair, no past relationship issues", I'm sorry to say that you might be looking for a very, very long time.
If your standards include: "kind, employed/employable, caring, treats you right" then you stand a better chance of meeting someone wonderful.
Is that lowering your standards? Only you can decide that for yourself.

But let me share with you something that I tried a few years ago when I was single. I decided that I was never going to find the "right" man and that I didn't know if I would know what that was anyway. So, I decided to take off the pressure of expecting every single date to be Mr For-ever-after and that I would just "practice" dating by going out with (almost) anyone, just to enjoy the experience and open up my mind to different people, ones that I might normally reject out of hand.
I had a great time - lots of fun nights out, met lots of lovely guys (though the funeral director who told me he was wearing "dead mans shoes" did creep me out a little), and it kept me entertained very well until my lovely husband came along when I had really stopped looking.

Good luck