afraid to get on the scale

jennyb5149 · July 2015

hi everyone,

My name is Jenny. I am NOT new to MyFitnessPal but I have not been here for at least 5 years. Just a little bit about me and my history. I spent most of my twenties and thirties with a raging eating disorder. I used to use MyFitnessPal to monitor my calories and exercise and if I went over the amount I allowed myself I would make myself throw up.

I have been working on recovery from my eating disorder for the last 5 years and it has been going fairly well. Unfortunately, I also piled on a lot of weight during that time. My fiance of 11 years recently left me. It was a mutual decision and even though I'm sad I know that it was the best. I realized that during my last five years of recovery, I was often over eating past the point of fullness just to fill the emptiness inside me from the unfulfilling relationship I was in.

Now that he is gone, I have been walking. I mean walking a lot! I got a fitbit and found that i have been averaging about 15,000 to 20,000 steps a day. I am also super happy and proud to find that my 5 years of recovery work is finally showing up. After he left and the stress of the relationship was gone, I found that I really did not have any desire to overeat like I did when we were together. In fact, I was a little worried that I may not be eating enough especially with all the exercise I was getting. So, I came to myfitnesspal again to start logging my calories just to make sure I was actually getting enough. I am finding that I eat anywhere from 1400 to 1650 calories a day.

So, here is my dilemma. I know I've been eating a lot less and I also know that I've been exercising a lot more. I have had a couple people comment to me that it looks like I've been losing weight. Some days I can look in the mirror and say yeah I think maybe I see that a little bit and then other days when I put on a certain pair of pants I feel like nothing has really changed.

I really do want to start monitoring my weight just to see how the changes I've made in my lifestyle are impacting it. I want to make sure that I am eating enough to support weight loss because I know all too well from experience that if I do not eat enough and yet am exercising a lot my body will literally hold on to every calorie I eat and really make it hard for me to lose weight.

However, I am absolutely terrified to get on the scale. What is the number is bigger than I have ever seen in my entire life? What if I see a number that I just am not ready to see? Will it send me headlong into a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a sack of potatoes chips? Today I got a glance of myself in the mirror before I stepped in the shower. I was not happy with what I saw. So many sagging places that I never used to see. But, to be fair I have not looked at myself naked in the mirror since the days when I weighed a 137 pounds (I am 5'8") and was at the height of my eating disorder behaviors.

I know this probably sounds silly posting this on a weight loss site but if anybody has any helpful thoughts or reassuring supportive stories to share with me about their own fears about getting on the scale, I would really appreciate it. For now, I have made a promise to myself that I will keep doing what I'm doing let my weight do what it will do and not get on the scale until August 28th which is my birthday. I figure that way it will give me enough time to lose a few more pounds so that the number on the scale is not so scary big that I want to start crying, hide under the covers and never come out.

Thank you everyone for any thoughts or suggestions you can send my way. I appreciate it!

Jenny

1mumrevolution · July 2015

No wisdom from me but I hate the scale too. It's a real endurance test for me and I've to psych myself up for it. To give myself a break, I weigh once a month only and use a skirt to monitor inches on my waist. The skirts I used last year are way beyond too big now. So now I'm using a size 8 UK. Similar stats, also 5'8". You sound like a strong, in control woman. Good luck!!!

lseed87 · July 2015

Take pictures or measurements.

leanlicorice · July 2015

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully overcoming your challenges. I relate to so many aspects that you mentioned.

My issue with the scales is that if I see my weight, I will give up on weight loss because it feels too hard. So the first three months this time, I didn't weigh myself at all. Admittedly it was slow progress but the focus on improvement in my mood and energy eventually made the numbers on the scale feel less significant.

It still feels daunting but I try to remember the following:
- My emotional health and fitness are the most important of all; if I am fit and healthy and a size 16 - so be it!
- I am building muscle so of course fat loss is not going to be apparent on the scales.
- No matter what the scales reveal, as long as I am trying, I will love and honour myself.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

AllanMisner · July 2015

The scale is not your friend. It measures something that has absolutely nothing to do with health. Instead, you should ask yourself do you look and feel better? The look part can be hard because we often have a bad image of ourselves. So I always recommend measurements (neck, chest, stomach, waist, hips, upper legs and upper arms). If these are going in the right direction, then you’re on track. To track how you feel, you should keep a journal. Write down how well your sleeping, how you feel when you wake, and how you feel as you’re going to bed.

It is good your recognize this is a journey and not a sprint to some magical destination.

[Edited by MFP mod]

bbinoa · July 2015

I applaud you for your long recovery from the eating disorder! It sounds like you have learned some excellent ways to handle changes and you aren't falling back into old trends and habits. Good for you! Given the history, is it possible for you to reach out to your physician or other practitioner who has helped you in the past? My concern would just to be that you are continuing on your healing path and not letting something like a number on the scale trip you up. They may be able to provide you with a better gauge to how you are doing body composition wise, and not just based on a scale number. Good luck to you!

jennyb5149 · July 2015

Hello all,

Thank you so very much for all your kind words and thoughtful suggestions. I think somebody nailed it on the head when they said they were worried the scale would send me back into old behaviors. I am NOT going to lie. Logging my calories and checking my weight is something that is scary for me because I consider it a slippery slope. I do not want myself to start doing those things to the point that I begin obsessing and then find myself back in eating disorder land.

I have tried doing measurements before but unfortunately I have also learned how to manipulate the tape measure just so to get the measurements I want to see. Does anyone else do that? Lol I take a measurement, don't like it and then just try again this time maybe snugging the tape up just a bit tighter or inching it up a bit higher or lower to get the measurement that I want. I also know how to manipulate the scale but that is a bit harder to fool.

I will try to do the clothing method, I think. I have a pair of pants that I purchased a while ago that were just too tight to wear in public. Since I put on the weight I wear anything from a size 18 to a size 22. I had found a pair of size 18 pants that I liked and have been able to fit into that same size in that particular brand before so I was devastated when they would not fit. I think I will use those pants to be a gauge of my weight. And, I will try to weigh myself only monthly just to get an idea of where I am but not use it as a stick to beat myself up with. In the meantime, I can absolutely say that I feel better, I know things are feeling a little tighter- like muscles and stuff - and I have a lot more energy than I have had in a long time so as someone here said I need to work on focusing on that too!

afraid to get on the scale

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