Losing Weight with history of Eating Disorder

violabec · July 2015

Hi, I have been "recovered" from anorexia for about 5 years now ... I use " " because I sort of view it as more of a process.
Anyway, I haven't thought about food too much for quite some time; I pretty much just eat what I want (tending to the healthy) and that's that. Well, now I'm thinking that I think I could lose 10-15 pounds -- the weight seems to have snuck up on me. I in no way want to enter into ED hell again ~ that wasn't fun. I wasted so much of my life.
So, I at first started on this site (a few weeks ago) thinking I'd go right to the 1200 kcal meal plan, thinking that's what you do. Now, the problem is I can do this no problem. In fact, I started to notice a bit of a struggle to keep to the 1200. So, now I've upped myself to 1450 (and exercise) and my brain seems to prefer this.
I guess I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there with an eating disorder history who is trying to lose weight. I so worry that it might be a slippery slope; but, I'm also in a much stronger place mentally and physically.
Thanks for listening

Kalikel · July 2015

I'm with you on the " " thing and think you're right to be concerned.

Go see the doctor. If you still have the therapist and dietitian you used before (and like them), call them up, too. Not you can't get the same people on board, get new ones.

You should have a team supporting your effort. It might seem like overkill, but it's the smart way to go. If you don't, you might start doing that, "I feel so much better when I'm empty. I don't want to starve myself! But I can skip dinner.."

Before you know it, you're down to one small meal a day.

Get your team in place and then lose your weight.

violabec · July 2015

Thanks so much, Kalikel ... that's brilliant. It didn't even enter my mind to be in touch with a dietician (it'd have to be a new one because the one I used is associated with the hospital and I don't want to go there even as OP) and it would be a good idea to hook up with counselling services at my university (my shrink retired and I was doing fine anyway).
It's amazing what you DON'T think of (I'm speaking for myself here, lol) sometimes!!!
Again, thank you!

kevc1986 · July 2015

I am right there with you. I'm having a hard time not thinking the way I used to think. My goal is 1200 and I've been noticing that I am having a hard time reaching 1200, and my husband has to remind me to eat. Mentally I still struggle with these demons, but I know I can not go down that path for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to go through what I went through. So my main supporters are my husband and my daughter. I'm also using this app and other people on here to help me.

violabec · July 2015

Hi kevc, I'm married, too ~ but, I haven't told him anything. I've even hid the fact that I'm weighing myself which DOES have red flags waving all over the place. I think, for me, I've decided that 1200 is too low ... we'll see. I also don't know if it's doing me any good to be logging the calories .... my mind might get fixated, you know? But, it's really weird when you aren't ED anymore BUT you'd like to drop a few pounds

blah.

dextersp68 · July 2015

Hi there. I have bipolar disorder and a history of anorexia and bulimia. So I know where you are coming from. It is a slippery slope though I think I'm losing weight in a healthy way and my mindset is to eat and log as many calories that MFP tells me to. Thanks for your honest post and stay in touch via this or add me as a friend if you want

RebeccaMaunder · July 2015

I also understand where you are coming from. I suffered for years with ED. I gained much weight in the end and am now trying to take it off. It is hard not being caught in the old ways. I'm with others though, make sure you get yourself a great support system. Thank you for being open.

hekla90 · July 2015

rebeccasheppard96 wrote: »

Hi kevc, I'm married, too ~ but, I haven't told him anything. I've even hid the fact that I'm weighing myself which DOES have red flags waving all over the place. I think, for me, I've decided that 1200 is too low ... we'll see. I also don't know if it's doing me any good to be logging the calories .... my mind might get fixated, you know? But, it's really weird when you aren't ED anymore BUT you'd like to drop a few pounds blah.

You never aren't ED though, even recovered. You have to maintain the recovery. Old triggers and behaviors will likely continue right back where they were when you had an active eating disorder. I would at minimum see a counselor through it and perhaps plan to lose very slowly maybe 0.5 lb a week so the scale moving down isn't such s trigger and only weigh once a week. I only let myself weigh at the gym for example so I can't jump on it all the time at home.

Edit: and by the way the fact you are already hiding it from your husband personally to me speaks volumes that you might be slipping again. When i start hiding from my family and BF it's not because I'm doing well.

z304 · July 2015

+1 for see a doctor (possibly dietician, counselor, or other therapist) and have any weight loss you do supervised. Find someone who will actually follow up regularly with you who ideally you couldn't BS if you started getting in trouble. That's probably the path to the healthiest and most sustainable weight loss for you. It's really fantastic you want to be healthy and maintain your recovery, and were paying attention to warning signs.

kk_inprogress · July 2015

OP, you've already said some great things here. If you're willing to seek out a team for support, you're on the right track. No one can give you relationship advice, but you're right about those "red flags!" Pay attention to those and keep moving forward! Best of luck!

Kalikel · July 2015

Tell your husband. Don't keep secrets about it. You KNOW it's a huge thing.

We get BS trolls here all the time who pretend they're anorexic by announcing all their stuff. I'm always like, "Real anorexics hide it. They don't start threads detailing every little thing."

Real anorexics lie and hide and deny there is a problem when they weigh 90 pounds. "No, I don't have an ED! I'd just like to lose maybe two pounds because I can still see a hint of fat on my thighs and it's gross! No problem here! Really! Just leave me alone!"

I always say that if I were the President and had to hire someone to keep secrets, I'd ask, "Were you ever anorexic?" on the application and hire the first person who said, "Yes." THAT is a person who will keep a secret and deny knowledge no matter what.

Be honest with your husband because 1) He's your husband and deserves it, 2) It will help you to not fall into the hiding and lying that helps you get crazier.

Keep your calories up. A starved brain can't think clearly and a clear-thinking brain goes a long way toward staying healthy.

violabec · July 2015

You guys are great. Thanks so much.
Absolutely my husband deserves to know; I also hate being sneaky. (and lol about the President and secret keeping)
It's weird, though, to think that I'd *never* be NOT ED (excuse the double negative) ... cuz I want to be. So much. I hate myself for having these idiotic thoughts. And strangely enough, what sort of "set me off" was something that happened a few weeks ago ~ it was a very big reminder that anorexia is NOT my life anymore. Which you'd think would be a good, great thing! But, weirdly, I felt a sorta loss. I can't even explain it.
So yeah. I will make an appointment pronto.
And again, thank you so much. All of your words have really helped.

dextersp68 · July 2015

What concerns me most is getting a distorted relationship with food again. Feeling guilty if I eat 53 rather than 50 grams of cottage cheese that sort of thing

liftlovelunge · July 2015

I can 100% relate to your concerns and I'm glad you made this thread - there's some great advice here!

I used MFP to gain 20lbs over the past 2.5 years after relapsing in 2012. I'm at a normal weight for my height but it's been a huge struggle for me to accept being "bigger" than I used to be. What has helped me is setting fitness goals for myself instead of weight related goals. I rarely weigh myself and focus on what I see in the mirror (which I've been pleased with since I started to exercise!). I've also taken breaks from logging food if it's making me feel overwhelmed.

Be honest with yourself through this process - and with your husband!

violabec · August 2015

Hey dextersp68 ~ yeah, I def don't want to get into a distorted relationship with food again ... been there, done that, thought I was over that! Sorry if that's how things are for you right now

liftlovelunge ~ I love the idea of fitness goals instead of weight goals! ~ that'd def. shift the focus (I think)! And good for you for going through the "struggle." It's not fun, is it?

Thanks, guys!

staringatthesun · December 2015

Kalikel wrote: »

I always say that if I were the President and had to hire someone to keep secrets, I'd ask, "Were you ever anorexic?" on the application and hire the first person who said, "Yes." THAT is a person who will keep a secret and deny knowledge no matter what.

I know that this is an old thread, but I was searching for threads related to people with ED histories trying to lose weight, and I have to say, this is SO FUNNY Kalikel!! Made me laugh really hard.

Also, if any of you guys are still around, I'd love some more friends on here! I've been in recovery from anorexia for about the last 5 years, but I put on a lot of weight this past summer while in mental health (non-ED related) treatment, and I'm way above my natural weight and the weight I'm comfortable with and need to lose weight. Looking for people who can relate.

tomteboda · December 2015

I'm glad you ressed the thread, @staringatthesun . I suffered from orthorexia as a teenager, and made myself very sick. Then I gained a lot of weight during my early 30s. Now I'm losing the weight, and I have to be very careful about how I set goals, and how I let myself think about food. I apply all my scientific reasoning, but the temptation to become obsessive is always there.

Losing Weight with history of Eating Disorder

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