Dealing with an over sensitive co worker.
BethanyMasters
Posts: 519 Member
Just recently we had to bring in some managers from other stores to help while our store manager was on medical leave.
One of the girls that came to help might be staying with us permanently and I don't have anything against her and she's a nice person for the most part. The thing is she is seriously morbidly obese and she is WAY super sensitive about it.
One of the first days she was with us she asked me if I wanted anything from the McDonald's next door and I said No thank you and explained that I don't eat McDonalds or much of any fast food so she shouldn't feel obligated to ask me if I want anything when she goes out for lunch. Already I can see her face starting to get a little twitchy with irritation. So she comes back with her food and another co workers food and they are sitting around eating. She asks me why I don't eat McDonalds. Now I didn't say anything about it being bad for you, I didn't tell HER she shouldn't be eating it. All I said was that I used to work at McDonald's (3 different stores) and I've seen some not so sanitary things going on there. She got SUPER defensive saying that it is clean and there's nothing wrong with McDonald's and I don't know what I'm talking about.
Second time she got super defensive was when a different co worker was asking about my diet and exercise and a couple of us were standing around talking about our goals and stuff. I remember saying something along the lines of "I"m about 8 pounds away from the healthy weight range but I want to lose about 20." And she comes around the corner having not at all been invited to the conversation and says "Why would you want to lose 20 pounds if you are only 8 pounds over weight?" I tried to explain to her that 8 more pounds would still put me at the higher end of healthy, and that a good weight range for my height could be anywhere from 115 - 152 pounds and that I'd like to fall some where in the middle because I have wide hips." And she gets all huffy and puffy saying that bmi calculators are not accurate and I'm going to end up being anorexic (which was really hurtful considering I've already had a brush with bulemia) because I have unrealistic goals. She said "I don't even know why you are trying to lose weight. Your not even fat!" At which point I just through up my arms and walked away because I have no idea how to explain to a morbidly obese person that I am over weight and I do need to lose weight.
So now I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her.
Yesterday a customer wanted fried mozzarella sticks and after I got off the phone I slipped and said something about being glad we didn't have them because I love them and I would get so fat. Right after I said it I realized that I had just said this in front of this girl and she was like giving me the death stare.
How do I deal with this? I'm terrible and monitoring what I say especially when I've worked with people who don't generally care what I say for the past 5 years.
At this point I'm just trying to avoid her and not say anything about my diet. She's just so defensive and I'm not even trying to push anything and I've never said anything to her about her weight or her eating habits.
UGH FRUSTRATED!
One of the girls that came to help might be staying with us permanently and I don't have anything against her and she's a nice person for the most part. The thing is she is seriously morbidly obese and she is WAY super sensitive about it.
One of the first days she was with us she asked me if I wanted anything from the McDonald's next door and I said No thank you and explained that I don't eat McDonalds or much of any fast food so she shouldn't feel obligated to ask me if I want anything when she goes out for lunch. Already I can see her face starting to get a little twitchy with irritation. So she comes back with her food and another co workers food and they are sitting around eating. She asks me why I don't eat McDonalds. Now I didn't say anything about it being bad for you, I didn't tell HER she shouldn't be eating it. All I said was that I used to work at McDonald's (3 different stores) and I've seen some not so sanitary things going on there. She got SUPER defensive saying that it is clean and there's nothing wrong with McDonald's and I don't know what I'm talking about.
Second time she got super defensive was when a different co worker was asking about my diet and exercise and a couple of us were standing around talking about our goals and stuff. I remember saying something along the lines of "I"m about 8 pounds away from the healthy weight range but I want to lose about 20." And she comes around the corner having not at all been invited to the conversation and says "Why would you want to lose 20 pounds if you are only 8 pounds over weight?" I tried to explain to her that 8 more pounds would still put me at the higher end of healthy, and that a good weight range for my height could be anywhere from 115 - 152 pounds and that I'd like to fall some where in the middle because I have wide hips." And she gets all huffy and puffy saying that bmi calculators are not accurate and I'm going to end up being anorexic (which was really hurtful considering I've already had a brush with bulemia) because I have unrealistic goals. She said "I don't even know why you are trying to lose weight. Your not even fat!" At which point I just through up my arms and walked away because I have no idea how to explain to a morbidly obese person that I am over weight and I do need to lose weight.
So now I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around her.
Yesterday a customer wanted fried mozzarella sticks and after I got off the phone I slipped and said something about being glad we didn't have them because I love them and I would get so fat. Right after I said it I realized that I had just said this in front of this girl and she was like giving me the death stare.
How do I deal with this? I'm terrible and monitoring what I say especially when I've worked with people who don't generally care what I say for the past 5 years.
At this point I'm just trying to avoid her and not say anything about my diet. She's just so defensive and I'm not even trying to push anything and I've never said anything to her about her weight or her eating habits.
UGH FRUSTRATED!
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Replies
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That is absolutely ridiculous! I wish I had advice for you, but never having been in that situation, I got nothin
. Don't let her bring you down and keep up the good work! 0 -
The only reason she is getting defensive is because she is seeing you are working at your goal and you probably look good. Women are funny that way. I tell people when I train them that excersice and diet is about you and noone else. Go about your business and don't worry about what others have to say. Be proud of you weight loss and you shouldn't have to explain it to anyone. People that are unhappy in there life always try to bring people down. I would just say the next time they ask you if you want anything just say, No, thank you, I'm watching what I eat. I try to eat clean, it's better for my body and makes me feel better. Then go about your business.
Congrats, on the weight loss!!!!!! Remember it's about you and no one else!!!!0 -
You can't help other people's reactions. I don't see that you've said anything wrong or offensive. If it gets worse I would probably pull her aside and tell her "I understand you have food and weight issues, but you are projecting and I need you to stop. I have a right to be here and I have my own goals and needs. I need you to accept that mine are different from yours. You are lashing out at me every time something about food or weight comes up and it isn't fair to me." or something along those lines. There's no reason to walk on egg shells because of other people's issues. Maybe add in that you're on this site and if she wants help or encouragement that she's free to friend you and come join the burn. Either way she needs to learn there are boundaries and she's crossing them.0
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I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape) Some people will tell me that I am doing it wrong (No I'm not, they just havnt done enough research) and others will try to ask me why do I not eat this or that...which just leads to a lot of discussions about the issue and all that leads to is them thinking I am obsessed.
It is pointless arguing about health with people who don't care and have never tried to be healthy.
This is what I would have answered your co-worker.
Why don't you eat McDonalds? I dont like the taste. (This will prevent any ensuing arguments)
Why are you trying to lose more weight? I want a better shape to my body. (Again, this prevents arguments because its a matter of opinion not fact)
So, basically the less info you give the better. Giving more info will just give people amunition against you.0 -
Wow, that is awful that you're in that situation! You know what they say, that misery loves company and it sounds to me like she is wanting some company. I don't even know if trying to sit down and talk to her about it is going to work. If she gets that defensive over McDonald's, it's hard telling what she'd say if you tried to explain that it's your personal decision and she should respect it; and also that nothing you say is meant to offend anyone, let alone her. Honestly, at this point, I'd be 1. praying about it, and 2. try to not let her get to you. Be yourself and if you say something like the mozzarella sticks thing again, just let it go. You didn't say anything bad, you weren't being mean or hurtful to her. You cannot be on eggshells with people you are around more than your family. She's just gonna have to get over it. I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to her either. Sorry I don't have anything better!0
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I understand how you feel, trust me. Just TRY and keep your comments to yourself about weight loss, exercise and eating healthy and that will help but it sounds like in your situation this person is probably thinking you think you are better than everyone else and stuck up thinking people should look a certain way and that is her own personal issues so you can't change it and comfronting it will probably only make it worse so like I said before, I would just keep it strictly professional in the workplace and not comment anymore on the topics of weight loss, excerise and eating healthy. If she brings it up then I would simply keep it "light in conversation" and leave it at that.
Good luck!0 -
Hey there,
There's really very little you can do in the situation. You sound like you've done a great deal of work and research to educate yourself on what is right and healthy for YOU and that's the primary goal for anyone to achieve!
Unfortunately, there will always be people who have deeper issues which often take a serious personal scare for them to want to make a change. I would suspect your co-worker has some other things going on in her world so best thing for you to do is just remain friendly and be yourself.
Your make your own choices as to what it right for you....and nothing anyone else says or does matters in that respect.!
Cheers to you! :-)0 -
Just tell her "this is my life, and I can do what I want with it. I do me, and you do you". What you do with your life has nothing to do with her.0
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Unfortunately, you do have to monitor what you do and say at the work place.
There is not much we can talk about at work....
And yes, it is frustrating...0 -
I had a brush with this last week. I've had a couple co-workers say some *eyeroll* things lately. The second one, I did get defensive and upset about, but I'm over it now.I have no idea how to explain to a morbidly obese person that I am over weight and I do need to lose weight.
Exactly. I tried myself. But then I just gave up because in all seriousness it's really none of their business. They aren't Dr's, Nutritionists, or personal trainers. They are people that know absolutely nothing. Opinions are like *kitten*, everyone has one.
I wouldn't be rude, or insensitive, but I wouldn't walk on eggshells. If she doesn't like what you have to say, that's her problem. Keep saying it. She may get the hint someday.0 -
sounds like that poor coworker is very out of touch w/herself on many levels.
mebbe refrain from using "weight" and "fat" - and just talk about fitness and working out, vs. the eating side of things? it'd be a mental exercise for you, sure - but she's super-sensitive about all that kind of talk because I'm sure she thinks about it every second of every day. or, just try to find something else to talk about - there's a world of topics to discuss
if she gets on you about why you "dont need to lose weight" - reply with something about not feeling comfortable with your body how it is, and how you're looking to ever-improve yourself. there's ALWAYS room for improvement, and you want to be the best you can be, right? when you put it in that light, it's less about fat vs. skinny, and more about feeling good and striving to be better.
I have used this method myself when I tell ppl I need to lose 30lbs and they ask "from where?! you look great!" - I thank them, and let them know there's always room for improvement. it usually quells any comebacks, from my experience. in the meantime, you could always try talking to the coworker, tell her you think you might've gotten off on the wrong foot, and that youd like to start again. might help w/some of the tension there. and in the future, when someone asks you if you want anything from mcd's, you can just say "no thanks, I brought my own" and leave it at that. less prickly a response, less likely to feel like the asker is being judged for eating fast food.
good luck - with your work situation, and w/meeting your goals!0 -
Oooo That's a touchy one. I don't really have any advise.. other than pray for her. Maybe you can take her aside, and explain that you're sorry that she is sensitive about what you talk about, and maybe she should just not be involved in your conversations so her feelings aren't hurt. You aren't talking about her personally and she shouldn't take what you say personally. Maybe suggest for her to ask herself why she gets so sensitive about your conversations.
You just want to be healthy and live a long life... right? You have family and friends that you want to enjoy life with..and you cant do that very well being too much over weight...and that is why YOU choose to be careful of what you eat and exercise...
For not knowing what to say..I said a bit.. but I do see that this is a hard situation... but pose to HER to maybe keep her distance if she doesn't want to be hurt by the things you talk about.... you shouldn't avoid her. What you say is truth... YOUR Truth sets YOU Free... she is trapped in the bondage of Morbid Obesity and she doesn't want to take ownership of it, sadly.0 -
Sorry you have to deal with this woman, but I think that you are on the right track in avoiding discussions about food and overall health when she's in earshot.
However, I have a sneaking suspicion that you will find that she's defensive on other topics as well. 0 -
@afng4n051 EXACTLY!! 0
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I would just try to ignore the looks maybe its just the way she looks. If she feels offended about you not wanting anything from McDonalds and cleanliness depends on (employees, management and store owners) I worked a McDonalds and our stores were very clean. Ask her to get you water with lemon. And don't monitor what you are saying if its not rude don't. There are going to be people through out your life that you are not going to see eye to eye with, just when you see her say hi and be cheerful and when you leave smile and tell her to have a wonderful day. She will get over it give it a little time Good Luck0
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Avoid her as much as possible, she will be nothing but headaches to deal with.0
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Yes, she's probably just jealous and insecure. But, as a former huge girl myself, there is nothing worse than a slim colleague (intentional or not) going on about how "fat" they are, and about diet - not that I'm saying you're going on - but to her, everything you say will be exaggerated in her mind anyway - and maybe she's used to people before making digs at her in that way which is why she's so defensive.
All in all, don't let her bring you down and it's not your fault she's over-sensitive, but as you've posted this you obviously don't want to offend her, so try to monitor what you say - maybe go for the "improve my fitness" angle if it comes up, rather than "want to lose weight" angle.0 -
evidently you're going to have to add weight loss to the list of things our mothers told us to never discuss (politics...religion...child rearing...) which is unfortunate, but the most important thing is YOU and YOUR HEALTH. if you're on a path to success and you have a great support system, that's the awesome success you need to focus on. If you watch what you say, then she can't get you railroaded by the management @work, and it is possible to share your opinions. be positive! and there certainly is lots of great advice in the comments! you all rock
good luck love, with work and weight loss. 0 -
This is basically what I was going to say.I wouldn't be rude, or insensitive, but I wouldn't walk on eggshells. If she doesn't like what you have to say, that's her problem. Keep saying it. She may get the hint someday.
You've been like this for 5 years and other people know how you talk, then she just has to get used to it. She's un aware of the dangers of McDonalds of course, and other fast food. Remember a lot of us were before we joined here.
We had no idea that a big mac combo super sized is the amount of calories that most of us eat all day.0 -
Thanks for listening to my rant. Thers definitely some good advice here. I suppose if shes here to stay ill just have to deal. hopefully she will leave me alone if if I keep to myself for a while.0
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Speaking from her perspective as one who is morbidly obese, my guess is that her comments really have nothing to do with you whatsoever, and everything to do with what she hears in her head, or has heard from people she cares about. Somewhere inside her she recognises what you're saying as true but she's not ready to face up to them, so she feels she needs to defend herself.
Nothing you can do or say at this point is going to change much because you've likely become the personification of her inner demons.
My suggestion is to try your best to avoid such topics around her, though don't let it bother you if you fail to accomplish this. It's not your fault if she misinterprets.0 -
Don't let her get to you! Her insecurities are no reason for you to keep quiet about your journey. Sure, there are certain lines of sensitivity, but if you need a 'Good job' from your friends at work, then don't hesitate to get one!
Just remember that she probably suffers from low self esteem and a lot of insecurity. She is probably just jealous that she doesn't have the will power and determination to do what you do. So just keep doing what you're doing! And Good Luck!0 -
I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape) Some people will tell me that I am doing it wrong (No I'm not, they just havnt done enough research) and others will try to ask me why do I not eat this or that...which just leads to a lot of discussions about the issue and all that leads to is them thinking I am obsessed.
It is pointless arguing about health with people who don't care and have never tried to be healthy.
This is what I would have answered your co-worker.
Why don't you eat McDonalds? I dont like the taste. (This will prevent any ensuing arguments)
Why are you trying to lose more weight? I want a better shape to my body. (Again, this prevents arguments because its a matter of opinion not fact)
So, basically the less info you give the better. Giving more info will just give people ammunition against you.
I'm exactly in the same position...I'm not overweight, I'm actually thin--but the reason why is because I'm so health conscience. I used to be a chunky teenager, so I started this journey years ago and I've been able to maintain a healthy lifestyle by being so vigilante.
But I have learned one important thing: other people are very opinionated and sometimes jealous of that. So from now on, I agree that you should answer the questions short and sweetly..."I don't eat McD's because I don't like it" and "I don't want ____ because I'm not really hungry right now". As for bringing it up yourself, I'd probably stop making comments about weight/diet all together. This way, no one gets offended and your business is your own. I hope you situation improves!!! :-)0 -
I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape) Some people will tell me that I am doing it wrong (No I'm not, they just havnt done enough research) and others will try to ask me why do I not eat this or that...which just leads to a lot of discussions about the issue and all that leads to is them thinking I am obsessed.
It is pointless arguing about health with people who don't care and have never tried to be healthy.
This is what I would have answered your co-worker.
Why don't you eat McDonalds? I dont like the taste. (This will prevent any ensuing arguments)
Why are you trying to lose more weight? I want a better shape to my body. (Again, this prevents arguments because its a matter of opinion not fact)
So, basically the less info you give the better. Giving more info will just give people amunition against you.
This is basically my approach. I don't talk about my weight loss/fitness goals with other people (except for my core support group who are in the same boat as I).
Do you want to grab some lunch?
-"Sorry, I just ate / brought my own lunch from home / have other plans"
There is cake/donuts/ice cream in the break-room, want some?
-"No thanks, just ate / don't like the specific flavor / have sensitive teeth and can't eat really sweet things / etc."
If you don't want to talk about health or weight loss with someone, you don't have to.0 -
I realized after a while that if I am on a path to lose weight, I should not tell anyone about it. Most people will try to tell me that I am already thin (I am not overweight, but I want to be more in shape) Some people will tell me that I am doing it wrong (No I'm not, they just havnt done enough research) and others will try to ask me why do I not eat this or that...which just leads to a lot of discussions about the issue and all that leads to is them thinking I am obsessed.
It is pointless arguing about health with people who don't care and have never tried to be healthy.
This is what I would have answered your co-worker.
Why don't you eat McDonalds? I dont like the taste. (This will prevent any ensuing arguments)
Why are you trying to lose more weight? I want a better shape to my body. (Again, this prevents arguments because its a matter of opinion not fact)
So, basically the less info you give the better. Giving more info will just give people amunition against you.
This is basically my approach. I don't talk about my weight loss/fitness goals with other people (except for my core support group who are in the same boat as I).
Do you want to grab some lunch?
-"Sorry, I just ate / brought my own lunch from home / have other plans"
There is cake/donuts/ice cream in the break-room, want some?
-"No thanks, just ate / don't like the specific flavor / have sensitive teeth and can't eat really sweet things / etc."
If you don't want to talk about health or weight loss with someone, you don't have to.
I agree with both of you, totally! I'm vegetarian so I get away with saying that most of the time.
Less is more. You don't have to explain yourself to her or educate her in anyway. It is her life, this is yours.
I would advise only talking to her about work things or currents events. You can be friendly without trying to be friends.0 -
Tell me where you work and I'll come kick her in the head.
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Opinions are like *kitten*, everyone has one.
Yeah and they all stink! lol0 -
My opinion- humble as it may be- is this. You should go on living your life, being enthusiastic about your weight loss and healthy goal, and let your co worker be responsible for their own reactions. You cannot control her response, or her attitude-- only your own. And to quote:
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you." - Marianne Williamson.
I always think of this when faced with people who would have me change myself to help them feel better. Ultimately it serves no one. BE YOU. OWN your success and your goals and your positivity.0 -
My advice... WHO CARES if she gets her feelings hurt? SHES the one that's overweight, and it's not your fault. Say what's on your mind (NICELY) and be proud of what you are!!0
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Yikes this is a tough one- trust me I feel your pain. It's so hard because I want to help people so bad. In this case you are actually not even bothering her at all or even addressing most of it at her. I am bad about saying Oh my gosh you have to know about this website I am on it's free. And on and on I go- I am so bad. But I want to help EVERYONE. I do not believe anyone is really happy like that. I don't care what they say. Sounds like there are some jealousy issues here and the best thing you can do is what I call the "avoid and ignore" Do not talk to her about anything not business related and if she butts in your converstion pretend you don't even hear. Do not make any gestures or anything just go about your conversation. It works. I pray this girl gets the help she needs from somewhere. Good luck dealing with this. :flowerforyou:0
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