90 Pound Weight Protecting Your Heart.

This past week I watched the most recent episode of Extreme Weightless. Typically, I don't find myself relating specifically to any individual on weightless shows that I watch, but this was different. While watching this episode, every single thing that the woman struggled with has been a struggle for me.

She was in a long term relationship with her first love and he cheated on her.

I also have experience with this. My relationship ended terribly nearly 2 years ago and somehow I cannot let go of the feelings I have to go away. We both knew it was a relationship neither of us wanted to be in, but due to the almost 6 years of our lives we spent together, it seemed like we had to make it work. He emotionally cheated on me, multiple times, until he finally left me to be with another woman (who didn't want to end up being with him in the end..karma gets you doesn't it?)

I have never felt so betrayed by somebody I loved so deeply. I never thought he would ever do something like that to me. I never thought I would have been in the situation I was in. I had lost everything I was within him. I no longer knew who I was because I had turned into a twisted version of him. I completely blame myself for allowing this to happen, but it still hurts. That was possibly one of the worst feelings to have. To find yourself at 23 years old not having an identity. Even the simplest things were impossible for me to differentiate whether or not I liked them for me or if I liked them because he liked them. Eating out, movies, hobbies, ect. I was completely lost and confused.

She ate as protection in order to never get hurt that deeply again

That was the part that I hadn't recognized in myself until watching the episode. I hadn't realized that I do that same exact thing. It is much easier to make up excuses of why you can't date and eat yourself into oblivion than it is to put yourself out there and go through heartbreak again. Heartbreak is a feeling that is indescribable. No words, songs, poems, movies or advice can make you feel better. Healing comes with time and self-reflection. It has been awhile (almost 3 years) since we have not been together, but why am I continually sabotaging myself?

I think I am so terrified to fall in love again and for there to be potential for me to be hurt that badly again that I just never want it to happen. I HATED that feeling of heartbreak, crying myself to sleep, crying at photos and songs, being so angry, driving past their house and wondering if they were thinking of me. I cannot even begin to think about what it would be like to go through all of those emotions again.

So, I eat and eat and eat.
"Tomorrow is the day. The day that I will not binge and track everything I eat. Tomorrow is the day that I start my new life." -said by every god damn night of the week.

When is that tomorrow going to come and stay?

I can't keep doing this to myself. I am so much more than my heartbreak. I deserve to be happy, healthy and ready to find love again.

I guess my question for this discussion would be...
Do any of you use weight as a protection to push people/goals/responsibilities away?
If you have overcome this terrible habit, how did you do so?