The Problem with Dating...
SoldierDad
Posts: 1,602
I don't know if this is more of a vent or a need for advice. Lol but I will just type and see what happens.
I am an incredible blessed man. I have my God, two amazing kids, a good job, a nice home, new car, good friends, served my country, an amazing Nana (the kid's grandmother, my ex's mom), good health, and the time to coach all my sons sports & scouts. I get the joy of playing with my kids nonstop every night. No vent there. Beyond all measure I am blessed .I have full custody of the kids and they are my life. My entire life. I don't date because I want to be completely focused on the kids. But the other day I passed by some baby food at the store and nearly cried. I realized I may never buy baby food again. I know wussy sounding but true. If I stick with my plan of waiting till the kids are in high school I will be close to 50 before dating (I'm 34.5 and my baby girl is not even 2 yet)... That's to old to have more kids. So I want to not date to focus on the kids, but to have more kids I have to date, get married etc. I could pursue adoption but that's nearly impossible to do for a non-celebrity single parent. I could just wait a few years but I am feeling baby pangs bad, and a few more years puts me closer to 40.
What to do, what to do? My friends are all urging me to date because they worry that my life is to focused on the kids.
Ok, like I said, not sure I was asking advice or venting but thank you for listening.You are all such amazing & gorgeous people. I am so blessed to have your support & friendship. Very very very proud of you all.
Love & Blessings,
Ed
I am an incredible blessed man. I have my God, two amazing kids, a good job, a nice home, new car, good friends, served my country, an amazing Nana (the kid's grandmother, my ex's mom), good health, and the time to coach all my sons sports & scouts. I get the joy of playing with my kids nonstop every night. No vent there. Beyond all measure I am blessed .I have full custody of the kids and they are my life. My entire life. I don't date because I want to be completely focused on the kids. But the other day I passed by some baby food at the store and nearly cried. I realized I may never buy baby food again. I know wussy sounding but true. If I stick with my plan of waiting till the kids are in high school I will be close to 50 before dating (I'm 34.5 and my baby girl is not even 2 yet)... That's to old to have more kids. So I want to not date to focus on the kids, but to have more kids I have to date, get married etc. I could pursue adoption but that's nearly impossible to do for a non-celebrity single parent. I could just wait a few years but I am feeling baby pangs bad, and a few more years puts me closer to 40.
What to do, what to do? My friends are all urging me to date because they worry that my life is to focused on the kids.
Ok, like I said, not sure I was asking advice or venting but thank you for listening.You are all such amazing & gorgeous people. I am so blessed to have your support & friendship. Very very very proud of you all.
Love & Blessings,
Ed
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Replies
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I think you definitely have to get out there and date. FOr your own self. You need friends and adult interaction! Trust me.. after I broke up with my daughters dad I didn't date for YEARS. I ended up feeling like I had no identity of my own (not that this comes from dating but from time with adults, adventures of my own and such). Plus, you don't want to feel teh shock, depression and pains more than normal because these wonderful kids of yours are going to grow up and move on.. it's gonna hurt like no other so if you don't have a good supportive adult base it will be even more traumatic. Plus, dating is good. Humans are relational beings, even God said so...Adam had the whole world but "was still not good". Woman = good =P
Good luck out there. You may bomb a ton of dates before you find someone you really like but it will be worth it. Just don't introduce them to your kids until you're sure they're a keeper, cause you're definitely the pick of the litter!
Jonesie 0 -
Ed
You are obviously a wonderful and dedicated dad, but you deserve to have a life of your own as well. We as adults need to mix with other adults in order to keep our minds active. Having interests outside your kids' lives is good for you and allows you to reconnect with the real you and actually will enrich your family life. I've been divorced and widowed so I have some idea how you are feeling.
As for longing for a baby ... That's another thing entirely and maybe because of the loss of your marriage. I know when I lost my father, I felt I wanted another child, but my doctor said it was a primal longing to replace the hole in my life that he left.
I assume it is early days being on your own, and you probably need to give yourself some time to heal and when the time is right, you can take your tentative steps into the world again. Sounds like you have some great friends beside you.
*hugs*
GG0 -
I think you definitely have to get out there and date. FOr your own self. You need friends and adult interaction! Trust me.. after I broke up with my daughters dad I didn't date for YEARS. I ended up feeling like I had no identity of my own (not that this comes from dating but from time with adults, adventures of my own and such). Plus, you don't want to feel teh shock, depression and pains more than normal because these wonderful kids of yours are going to grow up and move on.. it's gonna hurt like no other so if you don't have a good supportive adult base it will be even more traumatic. Plus, dating is good. Humans are relational beings, even God said so...Adam had the whole world but "was still not good". Woman = good =P
Good luck out there. You may bomb a ton of dates before you find someone you really like but it will be worth it. Just don't introduce them to your kids until you're sure they're a keeper, cause you're definitely the pick of the litter! Jonesie
Thank you sweetie. And i will def think on it. Your such an amazing friend!0 -
i have to agree with the above....you have to get out there again. just don't introduce the kids until you are 100 percent sure she's the right one.
you have to find time to focus on yourself, make yourself happy. if you know that dating again will make you happy then go for it. just be smart...there's lots of losers out there, (men and women)
you never know...you might have some fun along the way
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Hi Ed...Patti here....
Finding a special woman who understands you is the key. And trust me, they are out there. They would love to focus on your children with you. They would also like to add to your treasures with more children. It is YOU who have to give that (may have to wade through the throwbacks {and there will be those})special lady the benefit of your love and understanding. You will make a lucky woman very happy if you share YOU with her first....
Focusing 100% of your energies on your children (I dont think this is a bad thing, I did it with mine, but I learned this lesson the hard way) will make it very hard for them to accept another person into their nest....Your children are young enough to be very accepting....time changes that sometimes...
Just my opinion....I think you are amazing and my oldest is a little older than you....but his sister (now 25) was the one who became less than accepting of the man who came next....after my divorce (8 years after).0 -
I think you definitely have to get out there and date. FOr your own self. You need friends and adult interaction! Trust me.. after I broke up with my daughters dad I didn't date for YEARS. I ended up feeling like I had no identity of my own (not that this comes from dating but from time with adults, adventures of my own and such). Plus, you don't want to feel teh shock, depression and pains more than normal because these wonderful kids of yours are going to grow up and move on.. it's gonna hurt like no other so if you don't have a good supportive adult base it will be even more traumatic. Plus, dating is good. Humans are relational beings, even God said so...Adam had the whole world but "was still not good". Woman = good =P
Good luck out there. You may bomb a ton of dates before you find someone you really like but it will be worth it. Just don't introduce them to your kids until you're sure they're a keeper, cause you're definitely the pick of the litter! Jonesie
Everything she said ^^^ She's a very smart girl!!!
Plus --- It CAN be really good for kids to have a second parent figure. A second parent provides a different world view, different opinions, double the knowledge of one parent, different skill sets to draw from, and so on a so forth. Not that it's necessary, but definitely a bonus for children. Especially for your daughter when she reaches "that tender age" where she may not be comfortable with talking about "those things, events, and feelings" with her Daddy... no matter how much she loves and admires him. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think you definitely have to get out there and date. FOr your own self. You need friends and adult interaction! Trust me.. after I broke up with my daughters dad I didn't date for YEARS. I ended up feeling like I had no identity of my own (not that this comes from dating but from time with adults, adventures of my own and such). Plus, you don't want to feel teh shock, depression and pains more than normal because these wonderful kids of yours are going to grow up and move on.. it's gonna hurt like no other so if you don't have a good supportive adult base it will be even more traumatic. Plus, dating is good. Humans are relational beings, even God said so...Adam had the whole world but "was still not good". Woman = good =P
Good luck out there. You may bomb a ton of dates before you find someone you really like but it will be worth it. Just don't introduce them to your kids until you're sure they're a keeper, cause you're definitely the pick of the litter! Jonesie
Thank you sweetie. And i will def think on it. Your such an amazing friend!
Right back at ya
And thank you Mickmelie...0 -
While I know your kids are important to you and you want them to remain your first priority, I don't think you should put dating on hold just for them. You could be passing up an opportunity to meet and fall in love with someone who will not only be there for you but also be a wonderful asset to their lives as well. Also, I personally don't think it's healthy for children to grow up in an environment where the family is all about catering to them. Kids weren't intended to be the center of the family but rather an active contributing member of the family unit. I'm not saying we shouldn't or won't make sacrifices for our children... we ALL do. I'm just saying don't forget about YOU. One day those babies will grow up and move away. What will you be left with then? There is nothing wrong with using this time to also cultivate a loving lasting relationship for yourself as well.0
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Also... I'll be praying for you... that if/when you decide this is a step you want to take that God will put the right person in your life and you will be absolutely certain of it...0
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Thank you all for being so sweet and offering such words of wisdom. You are such amazing ppl. Thank you for taking time to be here for me. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: 0
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The problem I am having is this.
Like you I don't want to date, I am focused on my kids, my weight loss, my education. I am totally content, but my 6 year old keeps asking me to get married LOL. She tells me she wants a dad, whn I remind her that she has one she says "one that didn't get a divorce from our mom". Now that hurts to hear lol. I love her, and she is over simplifying it, she doesn't know that I dont get in serious relationships because it would take a whole lot for me to trust a man enough to be a part of their life. I messed up the first time around, I don't really trust my judgement now either lol.
Having said that I DO date, I just do it on my own time. And if I am lucky enough to find the right man then maybe she will get her wish but idk, I haven't had much luck yet lol. Good luck to you, don't completely discount the idea that there could be an amazing woman out there that wants to love you AND them and fill in as a mommy figure.0 -
Everybody had awesome advice; I've been there, done that. It took me 6 months to feel comfortable introducing my then boyfriend to my oldest son (2 years old then). We've been married now almost 8 years and had two more children together.
We have recently decided we are all done with having children. What would normally be a bittersweet experience that you described while grocery shopping, we've turned into a happier one by finding a way to "celebrate" being done with that chapter in our lives. I'm rewarding myself with a mommy makeover for carrying and nursing 3 children (augmentation & tummy tuck) later this year. I'm only 30, so I have plenty of time to enjoy the results. I suggest rewarding yourself with taking up a new hobby or going on a trip you've always wanted to take as a way to celebrate this new chapter in your life, whether it means more children or not. Point being, it's something >just for you<.
Since you mentioned "serving your country", come join us over here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/253236-calling-all-active-duty-veterans-and-really-motivated-depe0 -
I am going through the same thing myself (without the baby part). I swore that I would not date until my daughter was in college. I did not want to introduce someone into her life that may not be there for the long haul. Now, four years into being on my own, I am really starting to miss that companionship. Five more years is a long time to put life on hold. But I have faith that I will have the strength to move on someday. In His time not mine. When you are ready, you will know and you will find her. You are an amazing man who deserves all the blessings you have received and more. Xoxo0
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Ed, you are a wonderful father, and as everyone mentioned, you too need companionship.
But....something else to consider. Your children will learn how to build lasting relationships and even choosing their mate by the other person in your life. They will learn to build lasting and fulfilling relationships based upon your example. So you should not feel guilty about teaching them the benefit of focusing on them, but realizing that you have enough love and heart to include others in your life. Also so they do not feel the "burden" of being your whole life and they have the freedom and confidence to go about in their independence as well as they know that you will be taken care of. It may be a heavy load for them as they get older to realize that you put your life "on hold" for them. All 3 of you deserve that extra special someone in your lives.
Your youngest being so young, no quick rush. But give you and your family the chance to grow. I am extremely blessed by a man who is raising my children with me, will never have any of his own biologically as I cannot have more children, and is the rock and stability to help me be the best mother possible. There's a lot to be said about having that completeness that a strong personal can provide to you and your children.
HUGS,
Lula0 -
It's great to be focused on your children in the way you are...more people should be! However, children do best when their parents are happiest. It's hard to be TOTALLY fulfilled without a partner in life, especially for such a long time. I echo what others have said. Give it a try, I'm sure you will block your children from people whom you might date but don't ultimately get serious with. Have you considered online dating? I have never done it but if I was single and at a point in my life that I wanted a serious relationship I wouldn't hesitate. That way you can narrow your pool of candidates to people who are already embracing of your beliefs and lifestyle etc. Good luck!0
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Thank you everybody! Such wonderful advice! And it is prob a good thing if I do start dating again. But my rule will be firm. NO ONE meets the kids unless I think I am going to be marrying this woman. Online dating might be a great way to start. Lol to bad all my beautiful MFP friends live so far away!0
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I think you definitely have to get out there and date. FOr your own self. You need friends and adult interaction! Trust me.. after I broke up with my daughters dad I didn't date for YEARS. I ended up feeling like I had no identity of my own (not that this comes from dating but from time with adults, adventures of my own and such). Plus, you don't want to feel teh shock, depression and pains more than normal because these wonderful kids of yours are going to grow up and move on.. it's gonna hurt like no other so if you don't have a good supportive adult base it will be even more traumatic. Plus, dating is good. Humans are relational beings, even God said so...Adam had the whole world but "was still not good". Woman = good =P
Good luck out there. You may bomb a ton of dates before you find someone you really like but it will be worth it. Just don't introduce them to your kids until you're sure they're a keeper, cause you're definitely the pick of the litter! Jonesie
very well said!0 -
Thank you everybody! Such wonderful advice! And it is prob a good thing if I do start dating again. But my rule will be firm. NO ONE meets the kids unless I think I am going to be marrying this woman. Online dating might be a great way to start. Lol to bad all my beautiful MFP friends live so far away!
I think dating is the right thing! You're such a dedicated father but you deserve your own life. Online dating is a good way to meet people. I met my fiance on Chemistry.com. It really helps you get yourself back out there :-) Good luck Ed!!0
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