No support at home

madimox · August 2015

Well I guess I will start off with the basics. I'm a 5'4" 37 year old female that, as of 9 days ago weighed 186, which is the most I have ever weighed not including my one pregnancy 10 years ago. I'm looking to lose 30-40 pounds in about 6 months to start; might be a little overambitious. I have several hurdles to overcome.

My boyfriend of about 7 years eats very unhealthy (We should buy stock in Fruchetta), and is overweight himself, so it is very difficult to stay on track. There is always candy, chips, cookies and other unhealthy food around tempting me... He isn't really one to offer support unless I have already lost more than half the weight on my own "to prove I'm serious". I have usually fell off the wagon by then...Furthermore, he likes me to cook so cooking 2 meals has never appealed to me with my schedule and ordering in pizza, burgers or chinese isn't really going to help me either; another reason I fall off the wagon. I'm not into doing fad diets or anything crazy like that, I'm trying to make a change that I can continue. I want to do things in moderation, but I think I have to learn how to make healthier choices so when I do want a piece of pizza, it's not the end of the world.

I have a fairly bad case of tendinitis in my right arm (I can now bend it but can not put weight on it), and starting to recover from tendonitis in my left arm ( I can now put some weight on this one); this has made working out really difficult for me over the last year due to the pain. I also have a bad knee and back from a slip & fall I took about 5 years ago at work due to cleaners incompetence, sooooo yaaaaa. Anyhoo, I'm really into slim and six types of work outs, something with cardio, areobics, pilaties, strength training. P90X, T25, and the like are way to strenuous for me, and I always end up getting hurt or with badly pinched nerves in my back. My boyfriend would work out with me if I did those ones but I have tried and cannot so he doesn't work out either.

I have been on and off trying on MFP since 2011 and have even gotten down to 150 but then I took that fall I previously mentioned and physical therapy and pain threw off all of my hard work out the window >_< I have never tried the community on here and just thought I would give it a whirl and see if this is what can help me make a life change.

I'm not really the talkative type on MFP but it does really help me to get positive messages and if I'm in a tempting situation to be able to post and have you guys talk me out of it lol.

cjsims66 · August 2015

Hi! Glad you are willing to take steps to a healthier you.
I am really having to restrain myself in what I say concerning your bf. I do know you need all the positive input and support at home that you can get; it makes a huge difference!
I am a 49 year old woman and I've had a lumbar fusion (lower back), a cervical fusion (neck) and knee surgery. What keeps me going is EXERCISE! Sometimes it hurts but I know I will be hurting worse in the long run if I'm not active. The strength that I have built from lifting weights has helped in several ways... Having more muscle protects your bones, resistance training actually can build stronger bones. Lifting and cardio help me keep my weight down and in turn that's less stress on my back and knees. Keeping your core strong can do wonders for the rest of your body too.
I try to go to the gym at least 4 to 5 times a week; if I slack off then my back gets stiff and more painful.
Can you explain to your bf that you are trying to lose weight for health reasons and you REALLY need his support? Surely he would understand that. If not, he's being selfish. You have to take care of your body.
I wish you luck on your weight loss. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

bypah1917 · August 2015

I know how you both feel. I'm in the opposite side of the coin. Both me and my wife are overweight. We are in the yoyo wagon, loose weight and gaining it back several times. I try my best to loose it. I'm 545+ lbs, 6'3, 45 years old and my body is now feeling it.
Just keep up the good fight. If you don't do it, no one will do it for you.

ohmscheeks · August 2015

What the? You have to prove you can lose weight before he will support you? That is unacceptable. Does he bring in all the income? If not, no way that I would make two meals. I cannot imagine having obstacles like in my own home. Where is your happy place, lol? This is not "ok".

wilsonm2014 · August 2015

Dump the boyfriend. Clean up your diet without him. Good luck.

ellie0213 · August 2015

You have to take care of you. What he does is his choice. We all make changes when we are ready. Exercises can be modified to accommodate beginners and injuries. I'm happy to help with that. Add me if you'd like.

lamurano · August 2015

Wow....ummm, here's how my kitchen works: I cook the meal and they eat it. Period. If the kids don't want it they can make peanut butter sandwiches. Hubby eats anything but if he refused I'd hand him a phone and a takeout menu or remind him where the fridge is! Lol Not to be a jerk, I agree wit you.....nobody's got time to cook 2 meals! If I were you I would start cooking healthy for both of you. If he doesn't like it, you have the extra portions for lunch. If he does eat it....he's getting healthier too! Win-win!

I have a broken hand right now and I'm finding there are still lots of exercises that don't bother it. Find what works for you and add new things to your routine as you get better.

SandyEdge · August 2015

Hi
I am also back here...
Lost 10 kilos 3 years ago.
Kept it off for 1.5 years but a move to Dubai has seen it creep back on again.
Would love some new friends - my old ones have become inactive.
I will cheer you on....
Let's do this !

LaurenNotLaura · August 2015

I have found making very small changes one at a time has helped me become healthier than I've ever been! With the changes being so miniscule, no one in my house (hub and 3 kids) had even noticed! I'd love to help you on your journey, if youd like! Add me! Good luck

970Mikaela1 · August 2015

lamurano wrote: »

Wow....ummm, here's how my kitchen works: I cook the meal and they eat it.

Mine too. I do let my daughter cook a few things so I don't have to hear her whine everday.

6502programmer · August 2015

If he likes you to cook, he should LOVE you cooking healthy, nutritious meals for your family. If he doesn't like them, perhaps he should take up the cause and start cooking? Not supporting you until you're halfway there is a copout, plain and simple.

gizmosmom02 · August 2015

You don't have to "prove" anything to anyone. Support yourself and get some friends here. If you cook, he should say thank you. period. Especially if you are cooking healthy meals. I will now also restrain my comments about your boyfriend. Real partners support each other.

helenpaigejarden413 · August 2015

I'm agreeing with everyone here. Your bf sounds like he's being a total jerk to you. If he won't support you in this, then prove to him you DON'T need his support and you are strong enough to do it on your own.

If anything, at least make it a rule that whatever you decide to cook, he either eats it or makes his own darn meal. He's a grown adult, he can do it if he feels that strongly about it.

Mizz_Mo · August 2015

Check out Barre3 workouts. There are a few on YouTube for free. It's a combo of yoga/ballet/pilates. Low to no impact with modifications for those with health issues - but it will make your muscles hum for a an hour or two after your workout. You can also get a free 15 day trial at http://www.barre3.com/onlinefreetrial/ The woman who developed Barre3, Sadie Lincoln, is Madonna's latest workout guru.

As for the lack of support at home - easy - Ditch The Dude! Seriously. Step outside of your relationship for a moment - what would you tell your daughter if she was in your position? A true partner with your best interest at heart won't hold you back and make success hard for you. Instead of trying to prove yourself to him - he should step up and prove himself worthy of the two of you. You're setting the example of how to live life - set a great example for her.

And as others have stated - you're the one cooking - make what is best for the whole family. If he doesn't like it - he can cook for himself - or go get his own. Quit coddling the grown man - he doesn't do the same for you.

FocusMarlon · August 2015

Every little change helps. 1 step at a time. You can eat out but make healthier choices

LonaSmith1 · August 2015

I can completely sympathize with your lack of support. My husband was guilty of this for years. Oddly, now that he has dementia, he's much more supportive and he's eating the same things I do. ( i dont recommend this as an option btw) I am a live in housekeeper with a 400 lb boss who is about to undergo gastric bypass surgery . He cant lose because he wont control portion sizes. I do, however, have a couple of tricks for you.

For yourself--cut out soda. Start by switching to carbonated flavored water. in 2 weeks, switch to propel fitness water. Along the way, cut them down a little at a time with plain water. Eventually your mouth will find them too sweet. That's when you start making fruit infused waters to drink. Treat yourself to an infusing pitcher or water bottle. As the soda is cut out of your diet, you will notice that certain other things taste too sweet as well, and you will naturally avoid them. I lost 40 pounds just from cutting soda from my diet.

If you're really struggling as far as activity, get in the pool! do leg lifts and other things using the water for resistance. Zero impact! Check out your local Y for water aerobics classes.

Another thing I did was to start making home made treats where I could control the sugar and salt , and to start measuring portions according to the serving size on the box. Have you ever actually measured your breakfast cereal? 1 cup is not much. I measure everything now, and its a shock to find out how much more we really eat than we think we do.

As for the boyfriend, if your sister or daughter were saddled with this kind of man, what would you advise her? Think about the kind of example you're setting for your daughter. You're teaching her by example that it's acceptable for a man to treat a woman this way. She'll allow it as an adult because it's what she knows. What she's familiar with. I'm willing to bet its the same way for you, too. You're familiar with it and it's better than being alone. WRONG! you know why? because you're not alone. You have a beautiful daughter whom you are raising to be a strong, intelligent, healthy, confident woman. If he treats you like this, what's to stop him from doing the same thing to her? No woman should have to prove her worth to any man. A good man will treat you like his queen. NOT his SERVANT!

madimox · August 2015

You guys are right, I'm the cook so I make the food and now if he doesn't like it then he's agreed to cook a pizza. Thanks for giving me a little boost of strength. I also don't drink much soda or juice, only the occasional ginger ale or watered down cranberry juice (half water), so not much to cut down there. I don't drink enough water at all, but working on that too; I have never really been a thirsty person. I think my huge problem is portion sizes and nighttime is the worst for controlling myself.

Now, not completely defending my boyfriend for his actions when it comes to my trying to lose weight (because that is indeed a sucky thing to do), but he really is a good guy overall, he was just brought up with the old values of the women is supposed to take care of the home, and well, everything including looking good lol, and the man is supposed to bring home the bacon and that is all. I also grew up with those values as well even though I'm not quite as docile as my mom was, so I guess I am "familiar with it" as Lona mentioned, but I have found after we broke up once, after about 5 years together, that he loves me with all he has and really is the one for me and he knows that only I am the one for him. I can't ditch him because I love him in spite of his flaws which I think long lasting love is supposed to be about, and well, the heart wants what it wants so that is why 7 years later we are still together. I appreciate those who responded and to those who wanted to rip him a new one but held back because I need support to lose weight, I don't need the stress of being pressured to dump my boyfriend, losing weight is stressful enough. Thanks guys!

Pinnacle_IAO · August 2015

When one party in an unhealthy relationship heals, he or she usually moves on.

Don't worry about your boyfriend. Focus on your health and fitness priorities, and once you reach the goal, move on to better opportunities. You'll be much too good for him then.

Best of luck to you...and stay motivated!

justrollme · August 2015

Good for you for deciding to help yourself get well and feel better! There have been some great tips here. I understand your concerns, I am married to a man who eats very unhealthy processed foods (and refuses to really believe that.) He is trying to at least moderate some things, though. And, I've nagged him about at least cutting out soda and red meat, which he is making an effort to do. I'm one of those people who does cook two meals, but not every single day. I usually cook something for my husband & son 2 or 3 times per week, and then use leftovers creatively (and freeze stuff), and let my husband have one or two days where he makes something that he and my son want to eat. For myself, I usually cook something also 2 or 3 times per week, and just make big enough batches to have servings to stretch me through a few days. I will also say that if you have a slowcooker, use it! It makes cooking very easy, and it's delicious, too. You could use it to make things for yourself, or for your boyfriend (or both!)

I am also 5'4" and started out at 185. I began about 1 week before joining MFP. It's now 59 days later and so far I've lost about 25lbs, so nearly halfway to my first goal. I do some strength-training with weights 6-7 days per week, only takes about 30 minutes, and most days I walk out at a local park at least another 30 minutes, but that's mostly in an effort to prevent a lot of muscle loss. The weight loss is happening from CICO. (Although I do second @Mizz_Mo 's suggestion about the barre workout, that is one of my absolute favorites.)

The only support that really, truly matters is your own. Other people's support, including loved ones, would be nice and helpful to have, but you don't need it to succeed, harsh as that may sound. And, it could be that once a loved one sees your progress (as you've mentioned your boyfriend may need proof that what you're doing is working), then it could inspire them to make changes to be healthier, too. Good luck!

sophomorelove · August 2015

ellie0213 wrote: »

You have to take care of you. What he does is his choice. We all make changes when we are ready. Exercises can be modified to accommodate beginners and injuries. I'm happy to help with that. Add me if you'd like.

^^^ This. Why do people assume that the partner must change his habits, too? A person has to be mentally ready to make life long changes. Being a cheer leader for someone else is not substantial motivation. Why did we all end up overweight, if it's so "easy" to just commit? Yes, it's nice to have support at home but don't expect anyone to change for you. That said, there are tons of people on MFP with similar struggles and experiences, and we are all happy to be there for each other. Good luck, add me (I'm a newsfeed talker), and accept the responsibility of your own choices.

christabelle66 · August 2015

Perhaps there are some compromises that can be made-- your boyfriend doesn't have to share your health and fitness goals right now, but perhaps you can negotiate about concrete things that you feel could tempt or sabotage you. Perhaps junk food can be kept in its own cabinet, big rubbermaid bin or even the trunk of your boyfriend's car so its less tempting (out of sight really is often out of mind). Can you menu plan some healthier meals together? I am mostly vegan but my family are omnivores-- we plan a lot of meals where I eat a healthier version of what they eat, such as homemade pizza (I'll have hummus and vegetables while they have cheese and pepperoni) or tacos (they have ground meat and cheese, I have beans and avocado). Can soda be bought in cans and there be a rule about how many can be kept cold in the house at any time? (a friend is trying to cut back on soda and only keeps two in the fridge at any given time and the rest are kept in the garage. Sometimes our loved ones don't know what we want when we ask for their support and get nervous that you are going to ask them to make huge changes to their lifestyle-- smaller, concrete changes (particularly on a trial basis) are more reassuring and would probably benefit everyone.

sheermomentum · August 2015

Yeah, you don't have to dump your boyfriend, but you do have to remove his adorable little desires from the equation of what YOU are going to do with regard to your own eating and exercise, and you do need to make peace with the idea that his "support" is not required for you to do what you want to do here. And, honestly, if you are really serious about this as a permanent relationship, the sooner you do this, the better off you and he will be as a couple in the long run (assuming of course that he can adjust). You are cooking healthy meals. He is eating them or not, as he likes. You are taking on the physical activities that you want to do and doing them when and how it is convenient for you. He is joining in or not, as he prefers. Get it? You lead, and he either follows or gets out of the way. These are simply not matters subject to joint decisions. Those matters will come up in other areas, but not here.

No support at home

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